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[Axxle]

How can you tell if someone is vegan? Don't worry they'll tell you.

How can you tell if someone is from Texas? Don't worry they'll tell you.
How can you tell if someone is a vegan from Texas? Don't worry they don't exist.

[SwitchedFromStarcraft]

Why was the melon sad when it got a dog. Because the dog was a melon collie.

[Kuildeous]

A favorite from Monty Python.


What's brown and sounds like a bell?

Dung!

It's funnier told in person.

[jotheonah]

What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter it won't come.

[Young Nick]

Best told in person, but my favorite:

A: "Wanna hear a knock-knock joke?"
(Unsuspecting) B: Sure!
A: OK, you start!

[Axxle]

What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter it won't come.

"How" do you call...

[J-Kidder]

Best told in person, but my favorite:

A: "Wanna hear a knock-knock joke?"
(Unsuspecting) B: Sure!
A: OK, you start!

I used to love that one till it backfired on me. 
It went something like this:
A: "OK, you start!"
B: "knock-knock"
A: "who's there?"
B: "John"
A: "John who?"
B: "John Pags"
A: .........? (how the heck did this ball end up back in my court?)

[Qvist]

How can you tell if someone is vegan? Don't worry they'll tell you.

A vegan mom says: "Kids, come in. Your food gets withered."

[Turambar]

And now for some mathematics jokes:

What is an anagram for Banach-Tarski? Banach-Tarski Banach-Tarski

There is no uninteresting natural numbers, because assuming the opposite, there has to be a lowest uninteresting natural number. But that's pretty interesting. Contradiction!

Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip? To get to the same side.

[DStu]

What is an anagram for Banach-Tarski? Banach-Tarski Banach-Tarski

To come back to http://spikedmath.com/505.html , Banach-Tarski does not work on finite sets.

[jotheonah]

So the Higgs-Boson walks into a Catholic church.

The priest says "Sorry, we don't allow Higgs-Bosons in here."

The Higgs says "But without me, you can't have Mass!"

[SwitchedFromStarcraft]

What do you call a dog with no legs? Mat

[jonts26]

How many dragonball Z characters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just one but it'll take him 3 episodes.

[Cuzz]

Wanna hear the world's shortest math joke?

Let ε < 0

[Exuberance]

My favorite jokes are one-liners:


A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says "Make me one with everything."

A 3-legged dog walks into a bar and says "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!"

[Jorbles]

How many dragonball Z characters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just one but it'll take him 3 episodes.

I was sure the punchline was going to be IT'S OVER 9000!

[michaeljb]

How many F.DS members does it take to change a light bulb?

Depends on the board; are there any +Lumens, or will all those extra Watts go to waste? Are there any alt-light sources? How many switches are connected to the light? Will the light stay in one state for long periods of time, or will it be turned on and off frequently? How does it interact with other light sources (if any) in the room?

[Asklepios]

Maths jokes then.

An experiment is performed involving two cats, and an inclined roof.
The two cats are very nearly identical; same gender, mass, breed, eye and fur colour.
The scientist places both cats on the apex of the roof and releases them at the same time.
One of the cats fall off the roof first.
So obviously there is some difference between the two cats.

One cat has a greater mew.

===

There are 10 kinds of mathematicians. Those who can think binarily and those who can't..

===

Two men are sitting in the basket of a balloon. For hours, they have been drifting through a thick layer of clouds, and they have lost orientation completely. Suddenly, the clouds part, and the two men see the top of a mountain with a man standing on it.
"Hey! Can you tell us where we are?!"
The man doesn't reply. The minutes pass as the balloon drifts past the mountain. When the balloon is about to be swallowed again by the clouds, the man on the mountain shouts: "You're in a balloon!"
"That must have been a mathematician."
"Why?"
"He thought long and thoroughly about what to say. What he eventually said was irrefutably correct. And it was of no use whatsoever..."



And as I'm a doctor, not a mathematician (dammit, Jim) a joke for doctors:

What's pink and hard?
An ECG on an orthopaedics ward.

[cayvie]

How many F.DS members does it take to change a light bulb?

Depends on the board; are there any +Lumens, or will all those extra Watts go to waste? Are there any alt-light sources? How many switches are connected to the light? Will the light stay in one state for long periods of time, or will it be turned on and off frequently? How does it interact with other light sources (if any) in the room?

Wait, there's going to be a new light bulb? What's going to happen to the old light bulb?

[eHalcyon]

Two men are sitting in the basket of a balloon. For hours, they have been drifting through a thick layer of clouds, and they have lost orientation completely. Suddenly, the clouds part, and the two men see the top of a mountain with a man standing on it.
"Hey! Can you tell us where we are?!"
The man doesn't reply. The minutes pass as the balloon drifts past the mountain. When the balloon is about to be swallowed again by the clouds, the man on the mountain shouts: "You're in a balloon!"
"That must have been a mathematician."
"Why?"
"He thought long and thoroughly about what to say. What he eventually said was irrefutably correct. And it was of no use whatsoever..."

This joke has a longer version.

Speaking of long jokes, have you heard the one about Nate the Snake?  I have been sorely tempted to post it here, but it is very, very long.

[jotheonah]

How many F.DS members does it take to change a light bulb?

Depends on the board; are there any +Lumens, or will all those extra Watts go to waste? Are there any alt-light sources? How many switches are connected to the light? Will the light stay in one state for long periods of time, or will it be turned on and off frequently? How does it interact with other light sources (if any) in the room?

Wait, there's going to be a new light bulb? What's going to happen to the old light bulb?

BRILLIANT

[thirtyseven]

Two men are sitting in the basket of a balloon. For hours, they have been drifting through a thick layer of clouds, and they have lost orientation completely. Suddenly, the clouds part, and the two men see the top of a mountain with a man standing on it.
"Hey! Can you tell us where we are?!"
The man doesn't reply. The minutes pass as the balloon drifts past the mountain. When the balloon is about to be swallowed again by the clouds, the man on the mountain shouts: "You're in a balloon!"
"That must have been a mathematician."
"Why?"
"He thought long and thoroughly about what to say. What he eventually said was irrefutably correct. And it was of no use whatsoever..."

This joke has a longer version.

Speaking of long jokes, have you heard the one about Nate the Snake?  I have been sorely tempted to post it here, but it is very, very long.

I know this joke. It's golden. Post it.

[SwitchedFromStarcraft]

Two men are sitting in the basket of a balloon. For hours, they have been drifting through a thick layer of clouds, and they have lost orientation completely. Suddenly, the clouds part, and the two men see the top of a mountain with a man standing on it.
"Hey! Can you tell us where we are?!"
The man doesn't reply. The minutes pass as the balloon drifts past the mountain. When the balloon is about to be swallowed again by the clouds, the man on the mountain shouts: "You're in a balloon!"
"That must have been a mathematician."
"Why?"
"He thought long and thoroughly about what to say. What he eventually said was irrefutably correct. And it was of no use whatsoever..."

This joke has a longer version.

Speaking of long jokes, have you heard the one about Nate the Snake?  I have been sorely tempted to post it here, but it is very, very long.

I know this joke. It's golden. Post it.

Oh boy.  If you post it (and you should), I'm gonna +1 just for the amount of typing involved.

[thirtyseven]

Two men are sitting in the basket of a balloon. For hours, they have been drifting through a thick layer of clouds, and they have lost orientation completely. Suddenly, the clouds part, and the two men see the top of a mountain with a man standing on it.
"Hey! Can you tell us where we are?!"
The man doesn't reply. The minutes pass as the balloon drifts past the mountain. When the balloon is about to be swallowed again by the clouds, the man on the mountain shouts: "You're in a balloon!"
"That must have been a mathematician."
"Why?"
"He thought long and thoroughly about what to say. What he eventually said was irrefutably correct. And it was of no use whatsoever..."

This joke has a longer version.

Speaking of long jokes, have you heard the one about Nate the Snake?  I have been sorely tempted to post it here, but it is very, very long.

I know this joke. It's golden. Post it.

Oh boy.  If you post it (and you should), I'm gonna +1 just for the amount of typing involved.

And then retract the +1 when you realize he simply copy/pasted it from a website?

[Captain_Frisk]

Two men are sitting in the basket of a balloon. For hours, they have been drifting through a thick layer of clouds, and they have lost orientation completely. Suddenly, the clouds part, and the two men see the top of a mountain with a man standing on it.
"Hey! Can you tell us where we are?!"
The man doesn't reply. The minutes pass as the balloon drifts past the mountain. When the balloon is about to be swallowed again by the clouds, the man on the mountain shouts: "You're in a balloon!"
"That must have been a mathematician."
"Why?"
"He thought long and thoroughly about what to say. What he eventually said was irrefutably correct. And it was of no use whatsoever..."

This joke has a longer version.

Speaking of long jokes, have you heard the one about Nate the Snake?  I have been sorely tempted to post it here, but it is very, very long.

I know this joke. It's golden. Post it.

Oh boy.  If you post it (and you should), I'm gonna +1 just for the amount of typing involved.

And then retract the +1 when you realize he simply copy/pasted it from a website?

Holy crap this "joke" is long.  I'm 2/3 of the way through, but I'll take some +1's for linking to it:

http://natethesnake.com/