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[Kuildeous]

Seems like something that would do us all a bit of good would be to have a joke thread—a little something to pass the day, especially for those who access the forum during work hours.

I'll start with one of my favorite terrible jokes.


What goes clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, bang-bang, clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop?

An Amish drive-by shooting

[theory]

What's the difference between a chemist and a normal person?

A normal person washes his hands after going to the bathroom.  A chemist washes his hands before going to the bathroom. 

[jonts26]

So Werner Heisenberg is driving down the road when he gets pulled over for speeding. The officer asks him if he knows how fast he was going. Heisenberg responds with, 'No, but I know where I am.'

[jonts26]

So a neutrino walks into a bar and the bartender says, 'we don't serve your kind here' and the neutrino says, 'that's alright, I'm just passing through.'

A superconductor walks into a bar and the bartender says, 'we don't serve your kind here' and the superconductor leaves without any resistance.

Two bacteria walk into a bar and the bartender says, 'we don't serve your kind here' and the bacteria reply, 'but were staph!'

A virus walks into a bar and the bartender says, 'we don't serve your kind here' and the the virus shoots the bartender, gets behind the counter and says, 'now we do.'

The bartender says, 'we don't serve your kind here.' A tachyon walks into a bar.

[werothegreat]

How do you get two piccolo players in tune?  Shoot one.

Why is an accordion better than a concertina?  It burns longer.

[Kirian]

What's the difference between a chemist and a normal person?

A normal person washes his hands after going to the bathroom.  A chemist washes his hands before going to the bathroom. 

That's not a joke, though.  That actually happens all the time.

[Kuildeous]

René Descartes walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "Would you like a drink?"

Descartes responds with, "I think not," and then vanished.

[SwitchedFromStarcraft]

I put instant coffee in a microwave today and almost went back in time.

[werothegreat]

A drag queen strolls into a church by mistake to find a priest swinging an incense pot.  The drag queen says: "Honey, I just love your dress, but don't you know your handbag is on fire?"

[SwitchedFromStarcraft]

What's the difference between a chemist and a normal person?

A normal person washes his hands after going to the bathroom.  A chemist washes his hands before going to the bathroom.

I've been a chemist for 35 years and have only heard this one other time. It is both funny and very true.

Do you have any good lawyer jokes?

[werothegreat]

What's the difference between a chemist and a normal person?

A normal person washes his hands after going to the bathroom.  A chemist washes his hands before going to the bathroom.

I've been a chemist for 35 years and have only heard this one other time. It is both funny and very true.

Do you have any good lawyer jokes?

A doctor, an engineer and a lawyer all end up at a conference together, and in the hotel room, they decide to have a good laugh and look through the Gideon Bible.

The doctor says: "Well, surgery must be the oldest profession - says right here in Genesis that God made Eve from Adam's rib."

The engineer says: "Pish tosh.  Read before that - it says that God created the heavens and the earth out of chaos.  Engineering is the oldest profession."

The lawyer says: "Ah, but who created the chaos?"

[cayvie]

lol, it's funny because the engineer says "pish tosh"

[SwitchedFromStarcraft]

I think it's funny because the lawyer said "Ah'.

[Kirian]

What's the difference between a chemist and a normal person?

A normal person washes his hands after going to the bathroom.  A chemist washes his hands before going to the bathroom.

I've been a chemist for 35 years and have only heard this one other time. It is both funny and very true.

Really?  Wow, it seems like this is so old... I've heard it (and told it) so many times!

Do you have any good lawyer jokes?

No, but I have some bad lawyer jokes!

What do you call a hundred lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?

Not enough sand.

----

I'd tell another chemistry joke here, but all the good ones argon.  Oh wait:

What's a pirate's favorite amino acid?  Arrrrginine!

[SwitchedFromStarcraft]

Similarly:

What do you call a busload of lawyers going off a cliff?  A good start.

What's worse than a busload of lawyers going of a cliff?  Having it happen with a seat empty.

Disclaimer:  My GF is a lawyer, and I very much respect most lawyers.  My previous question to Theory was because I'm curious about which (if any) lawyer jokes are funny to lawyers.

[SwitchedFromStarcraft]

As for chemistry jokes, here is one of my own, which I managed to get published in a letter to an industry mag while still in school a million years ago:

If C₅H₁₂ is pentane, and C₆H₁₄ is heptane, then what is C_nH_2n+2?  The answer is obviously inane and deserves no further consideration.

Edited to remove name of magazine.  In this day and age, you can't be too careful on the internet.

[werothegreat]

Now for something completely different:

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?  Two - one to hold the giraffe, the other to put the clocks in the bathtub.

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?  To get to the other side!

How many communists does it take to change a lightbulb?  The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own change.

How many Congresspeople does it take to change a lightbulb?  You don't need a new lightbulb, what you really need is for us to bicker for three months.

[theory]

I don't think anyone actually gets offended by lawyer jokes.  The problem is that most lawyer jokes are not really lawyer jokes, because you can replace lawyer with any other maligned profession and you have essentially the same joke.

Anyway, here are some I like:

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean when they got to talking. The lawyer mentioned, "I'm here because my house burned down and everything got destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."

"That's quite a coincidence," remarked the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood. My insurance company, too, paid for everything."

There was a brief pause, and then the puzzled lawyer asked, "How do you start a flood?"

Farmer Bob: Hey doc, how is Lawyer Jones?
Doctor Ted: Alas, the poor fellow is lying at death's door.
Farmer Bob: Ah, there's grit for ya: at death's door and still lyin'.

[jonts26]

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?            Two                       

[SwitchedFromStarcraft]

In that case, here's my favorite:

An engineer, a paleontologist, and a lawyer are walking through the woods with their dogs.  The paleontologist says 'I've got the most talented dog in the world, watch this'.  He calls his dog. 'Linnaeus, go do your stuff".  The dog puts his nose to the ground and begins searching the area.  He stops near a large tree, starts digging frantically, uncovering bone after bone. He uses the bones to build a full size replica of a T. rex skeleton.

The engineer says 'That's nothing, watch this'.  He calls his dog.  'Fulcrum, go do your stuff'.  The second dog disassembles the skeleton and uses the bones to build a double-cantilevered bridge over the stream they are standing beside.

The lawyer says 'That's nothing, watch this'. He calls his dog. 'Shyster, go do your stuff'.  So his dog screws the other two dogs and skips town.

[kn1tt3r]

"Man, I haven't talked to my wife for two WEEKS!"
"Why not?"
"I didn't want to interrupt her..."

[Turambar]

René Descartes walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "Would you like a drink?"

Descartes responds with, "I think not," and then vanished.

This joke depends on faulty logic, because if we assume Descartes is translated as:

"I think, therefore I am"

This is equivalent to "I am not, therefore i cannot think" and not "I do not think, therefore I am not"( which is equivalent to "I am, therefore I think").

When I think about it, writing this reminds me of this comic .

[Forge!!!]

Racist tic-tac-toe is where you replace the o's with k's.

What do you call an 80's band made up of all Muslim people? Qu'ran Qu'ran

I heard someone say that men are much better at giving massages than women and I told him hey, that's really massagynistic.


i like bad jokes

[Kirian]

Three statisticians decide they're going to try out hunting.  They get themselves a shotgun each, and hire a guide to help them with deer hunting.

On their first day, after only about 2 hours, the guide spots a ten-point buck among the trees.  One of them takes a shot that hits a tree off to the left, leaving a mark on the tree and spooking the buck.  The next aims quickly while the buck is still in sight, but his shot slams into a tree off to the right.

The third statistician jumps in the sir and shouts "We got him!"

[jotheonah]

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino? Hell if I know.

Why did the bicycle fall over? It was two-tired.

What did the hippie say when I asked him to get off my couch? Namaste.

What did the clock do when it was still hungry after lunch? It went back four seconds.

Finally, my favorite Groucho Marx line:
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.