Dominion Strategy Forum
Miscellaneous => General Discussion => Topic started by: jonts26 on September 07, 2012, 12:22:00 pm
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So jokes are good, but anti-jokes, well, they're good too. And you know what they say about anti-jokes: they are a type of indirect humor that involves the joke-teller delivering something which is deliberately not funny, while the audience expects something humorous, and when this does not happen, the irony itself is of comedic value.
I'll start.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?" The horse says nothing because it lacks the necessary cognition to comprehend English. It becomes confused by the noise and unfamiliar surroundings and causes thousands of dollars in property damage as it frantically gallops out of the bar.
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You know what's worse than a worm in your apple?
The discovery of a second worm in that apple.
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Why did the armadillo cross the road?
Trick question. Armadillos never make it that far.
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What's worse than a worm in your apple? Scout
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How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Usually one.
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Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?
Because she was blind and deaf. Seriously, why would you think she would be able to drive?
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Should I do a rendition of the Aristocrats, or would that be better for RSP?
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Should I do a rendition of the Aristocrats, or would that be better for RSP?
Only if it is dominion themed.
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Should I do a rendition of the Aristocrats, or would that be better for RSP?
Only if it is dominion themed.
I will take that challenge.
...continue reading at your own peril.
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A talent agent is just about to close shop for the day, when in walks a family of four - a man, his wife, and their son and daughter. They are all dressed immaculately, the men in freshly-pressed tuxedos, and the women in beautiful, tasteful evening gowns. They have a great big suitcase with them. The man walks up to the talent agent, and says: "Good evening. I would like to humbly present my family's act to you, in the hopes that we might someday grace the vaunted halls of theatre." The talent agent, intrigued, gestures for them to proceed, and leans back in his chair.
The man bows, walks over to his family, and the family as a whole bows. Then they bring up the suitcase, and open the front pocket, taking out a pair of scissors. With the scissors, they proceed to cut their beautiful (and hideously expensive) formal wear away, leaving them stark naked. The man then pulls out the Dominion base set from the suitcase, and opens it. The wife shrieks out: "AHH DOMINION I LOOOOOOVE DOMINION AHHH" and starts rubbing the rulebook all over herself, while epileptically seizing on the floor. The daughter curtsies, then takes out the Chancellor cards, and starts rubbing them all over herself, screaming: "AHHHH CHANCELLOR I LOVE CHANCELLOR IT'S THE BEST CARD EVER I BUY IT IN EVERY GAME AHHH CHANCELLOR!" Then the son takes out the Laboratory cards, and starts ripping them up, shouting "LABORATORY IS STUPID WHY WOULD ANYONE BUY THIS I HATE THIS CARD RAWR," and then shoving the pieces into his mouth, chewing and swallowing them. Finally, the man takes out the Chapel cards, squats down, holds them under his bottom, and screams: "THIS IS THE WORST CARD EVER IN RELATION TO ITS COST WHY WOULD ANYONE BUY THIS WHEN THERE AREN'T ANY CURSES" and with a loud fart, defecates all over the Chapel cards and his hand.
The talent agent is horrified, but the family doesn't seem to be done yet, so he merely continues to watch.
The man wipes off his excrement on his daughter's face, then takes out the Intrigue expansion, setting it down and removing the lid. The wife, who had been bouncing around on the floor rubbing the base rulebook on herself this entire time, suddenly grabs the Intrigue rulebook, rubbing that over herself as well, moaning in ecstasy. The daughter then grabs the Scout cards out of the box, and tries to make out with the two-dimensional face of the Scout, crying: "AHHH SCOUT IS MY FAVORITE CARD EVER IT COMBOS SO WELL WITH EVERYTHING!" The son then reverentially takes out Saboteur, and hands it to his father. The son then proceeds to urinate into the box, shrieking: "EVERYTHING ELSE IN THIS SET IS TERRIBLE WHY WOULD YOU EVER BUY THIS" while his father gently rubs the Saboteur cards, calmly crooning: "Ohhh yesssss Saboteur I love you you're so amazing Saboteur oooo yessss oooo Saboteur you're the best card ever designed oooooooo I'd cheat on my wife with you ooo yessss Saboteur you're the best thing in the entire universe oooo yess Saboteur you are my God and I worship you oooo Saboteur..."
The family proceed in this manner with the rest of the expansions. The talent agent is glued to his seat in shock and morbid fascination. Finally, when all the expansions had been strewn about the room, covered with urine and feces and other bodily fluids, the daughter walks up to the talent agent cradling Counting House in her tiny hands. She holds the card up to him, and asks him to kiss it. The talent agent furtively glances around, then quickly touches his lips to the card. The daughter then walks back over to her family, where they are all lined up, and they all face the talent agent and take a bow. They then about face, and march out of the talent agent's office, stark naked. The talent agent finally comes out of his stupor, and calls out: "Hey! Wait!" The family stops, and looks to the man, who walks back over to the talent agent. The talent agent struggles to find something to say, finally blurting out: "Well, what the hell do you call yourselves?" The man smiles, and says: "We are... the Aristocrats!"
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wow
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wow
You should see Doug Walker's rendition.
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The man smiles, and says: "We are... the AristocratsNobles!"
FTFY. It is dominion themed after all.
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while the audience expects something humorous
Is an anti-joke an anti-joke if we expect it to be an anti-joke?
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wow
You should see Doug Walker's rendition.
No, the perfect rendition is Gilbert Gottfried's. It's on YouTube.
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No, the perfect rendition is Gilbert Gottfried's. It's on YouTube.
He sure is disturbed by sweat.
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wow
You should see Doug Walker's rendition.
No, the perfect rendition is Gilbert Gottfried's. It's on YouTube.
Bob Saget's is quite something as well.
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wow
You should see Doug Walker's rendition.
No, the perfect rendition is Gilbert Gottfried's. It's on YouTube.
Bob Saget's is quite something as well.
lol, the third result for searching "bob saget the aristocrats" on YouTube includes "(family-friendly comedy!)" in the title. Preying on those poor innocent people who only know him from Full House and AFHV.
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Now THAT"S funny.
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while the audience expects something humorous
Is an anti-joke an anti-joke if we expect it to be an anti-joke?
Insert Philosoporaptor here.
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What's harder than winning a game with 4/3 against 5/2 on a Witch/Chapel board? A diamond
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What's the difference between Village and Worker's Village?
+1 Buy. Also the cost. And the name. And the art. And which set it came from.
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What's the difference between Village and Worker's Village?
+1 Buy. Also the cost. And the name. And the art. And which set it came from.
(1 - Worker's) Village
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Two lawyers are driving in a Mustang convertible when they hit a patch of gravel and swerve off of a bridge and into a ravine. What's the worst part?
They were my friends and I cared about them deeply
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Why can't Adolf Hitler drive Japanese cars?
Because he's dead.
What do you call a Mexican who flies a plane?
A pilot.
How do (did, I guess) you know it's bedtime at Michael Jackson's house?
He turns off the light and goes to bed.
What did the prostitute say to the priest?
That was a wonderful sermon, father, I look forward to next week.
A sailor goes into a whore house after a long voyage, but he only has 50 cents. It's too expensive so he goes home sad.
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What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
Those species are not biologically compatible; any coupling would fail to produce an offspring, and genetic engineering has not yet progressed sufficiently to create an artificial hybrid.
Why was six afraid of seven?
Those are abstract mathematical constructs and as such do not have human emotions.
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Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?
Because she was blind and deaf. Seriously, why would you think she would be able to drive?
Because she was a woman.
Or... because she's dead.
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What do you get when drnk Grujah plays on-an-iPad Young Nick? Very low quality Dominion.
Why did Young Nick open Copper / Silver? Because he misclicked while on an iPad.
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Why did the idiot throw a clock out the window?
He wasn't very intelligent.
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A man walks into a bar. His alcoholism has devastated his marriage.
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2 men walk into a bar The third one ducks
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A man walks into a bar and has a delightful conversation with the man sitting next to him, resulting in a wonderful evening where they go out to the movies, and finally head back to one of their apartments where they proceed to fuck each other's brains out.
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A man walks into a bar and has a delightful conversation with the man sitting next to him, resulting in a wonderful evening where they go out to the movies, and finally head back to one of their apartments where they proceed to fuck each other's brains out.
Well, that escalated quickly.
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Why is one side of a geese formation longer than the other?
It has more geese
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Why is one side of a geese formation longer than the other?
It has more geese
Or the geese are spaced further apart
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What's the difference between Village and Worker's Village?
+1 Buy. Also the cost. And the name. And the art. And which set it came from.
(1 - Worker's) Village
I like how you factored that into the discussion.
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2 men walk into a bar The third one ducks
I don't know, I think this one works as an actual joke. It's sort of half Steven Wright, half (insert your choice of old-time comic's name).
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What's the hardest thing about Dark Ages?
The box.
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You know what's worse than a worm in your apple?
The Holocaust
A photon enters a bar. No one much notices since it's accompanied by countless others and is a fairly routine event.
A priest and a rabbi walk into a chapel. The priest takes off his hat, and the rabbi puts his on.
What's the funniest thing about Michael J. Fox? His performance in the Back to the Future trilogy.
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"Knock knock."
"I'm confused by your sudden deployment of a convention normally used to draw attention to one's hitherto unnoticed presence at the front door, when, in fact, you are sitting here right before me, not at my front door, and, moreover, I am already well aware of your presence. Not to mention that your verbal imitation of the sound produced by a knuckle rapping on a door, while evocative, is puzzling in the extreme in the aforementioned context."
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Why hasn't this one be posted yet?
I don't know.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
What's better than beating Marin with your own complex over-the-top engine?
Being part of a loving family, trust me on this one.
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"Knock knock"
"Who's there?"
"Brian."
"Brian who?"
Brian breaks down and starts sobbing as he realizes his father's dementia has progressed to the point where he can't recognize his own son.
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"Knock knock."
"I'm confused by your sudden deployment of a convention normally used to draw attention to one's hitherto unnoticed presence at the front door, when, in face, you are sitting here right before me, not at my front door, and, moreover, I am already well aware of your presence. Not to mention that your verbal imitation of the sound produced by a knuckle rapping on a door, while evocative, is puzzling in the extreme in the aforementioned context."
Does anyone else read this in Lt. Cdr. Data's voice? The opening contraction, though, would seem to negate the idea that it is a Data quote. IIRC, the character only used contractions in one episode (possibly only once, at that), and it was an important part of the plot in that episode.
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This guy is walking down the street, and he passes a guy going the other way who has an orange for a head. He thinks to himself that if he doesn't ask why this guy has an orange for a head, it will annoy him forever. So he chases after this guy and says "Excuse me for asking, but why have you got an orange for a head?"
"Well," the gentleman replies, "it's a really funny story actually. One day I was walking through town minding my own business and this Genie pops up out of nowhere, and says I can have three wishes. So I thought about it for a while, and for my first wish I asked for $100 million. The Genie then snapped his fingers and told me to go and check my bank account and then disappeared. So I went and checked it, and lo and behold there it was just over $100 million in my account. Then the Genie pops up again and says "What is your 2nd wish?" Not being a very big hit with the ladies, I decided to ask for 10 women on call at any hour of the day to fulfil my every sexual need. "Done" says the Genie, and disappears into thin air. When I got home I was greeted by 10 beautiful women who immediately ripped my clothes off and begin to pleasure me in ways I never imagined. Later on that day the Genie pops up once again and says, "Right, only one more wish left, what will it be?" Realizing this was my last wish, I thought long and hard... and after 20 minutes of silence I said, "Can I have an orange for a head?"
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A man walks into a bar and has a delightful conversation with the man sitting next to him, resulting in a wonderful evening where they go out to the movies, and finally head back to one of their apartments where they proceed to fuck each other's brains out.
Pics or it didn't happen?
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What's brown and sticky? A Stick.
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That reminds me of one of my favorite jokes ever. But I guess I should go post it in the other thread.
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What's brown and sticky? A Stick.
Want to hear a long joke?
Joooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooke
(Doesn't quite work as well in print, sigh.)
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Would you like to hear a short joke?
jock
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Want to hear a long joke?
Ask chwhite in person
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What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
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He's got a number of recurring strips (some of which are political), but Tom the Dancing Bug's Super-Fun-Pak Comix are loaded with this type of humor.
http://www.gocomics.com/tomthedancingbug/2012/07/20
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Oh oh oh got reminded of this one in the Joke thread
So a Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor, and says "Make me one with tofu, I'm a vegetarian."
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There are two types of people in the world: those who think this would make a good anti-joke and those who don't.
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What do you get when you mix a joke and an anti-joke?
Two photons
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How do you avoid the luck factor of rebuild?
you dont play with it
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There are a lot of types of people in this world.
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http://www.tickld.com/x/25-of-the-best-anti-jokes-ever-12-is-gold
Not all of them are that great, but there are some decent ones. Just have to wade through the others.
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I've become irrationally angry at those types of headlines. #12 is gold? Really? Because it looks pretty white on my screen.
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Friends are like trees: they fall down when you hit them with an axe.
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http://www.tickld.com/x/25-of-the-best-anti-jokes-ever-12-is-gold
Not all of them are that great, but there are some decent ones. Just have to wade through the others.
Not all of them are even anti-jokes. Some of them are just jokes.
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I've become irrationally angry at those types of headlines. #12 is gold? Really? Because it looks pretty white on my screen.
That came across my FB today, and I refused to click on it because of the headline. As I will here.
No click for you, Tickld! (ABP means you wouldn't have gotten ad revenue anyway)
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I've become irrationally angry at those types of headlines. #12 is gold? Really? Because it looks pretty white on my screen.
That came across my FB today, and I refused to click on it because of the headline. As I will here.
No click for you, Tickld! (ABP means you wouldn't have gotten ad revenue anyway)
A link to a joke page comes across Kirian's Facebook feed...
Kirian decides not to click it.
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I've become irrationally angry at those types of headlines. #12 is gold? Really? Because it looks pretty white on my screen.
That came across my FB today, and I refused to click on it because of the headline. As I will here.
No click for you, Tickld! (ABP means you wouldn't have gotten ad revenue anyway)
An even worse headline has the format:
[Some sentence]. What happens next is [some adjective].
Just $@*&*%# tell me what happens next. Gosh.
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For anyone who hasn't seen it yet - http://www.clickhole.com/
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An even worse headline has the format:
[Some sentence]. What happens next is [some adjective].
Just $@*&*%# tell me what happens next. Gosh.
Examining the tautology. What happens next is happening next.
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I've become irrationally angry at those types of headlines. #12 is gold? Really? Because it looks pretty white on my screen.
That came across my FB today, and I refused to click on it because of the headline. As I will here.
No click for you, Tickld! (ABP means you wouldn't have gotten ad revenue anyway)
An even worse headline has the format:
[Some sentence]. What happens next is [some adjective].
Just $@*&*%# tell me what happens next. Gosh.
http://www.cracked.com/video_18887_a-breakup-letter-to-upworthy.html
"Viral" clickbait is perhaps the worst thing invented in the last few years.
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I've become irrationally angry at those types of headlines. #12 is gold? Really? Because it looks pretty white on my screen.
That came across my FB today, and I refused to click on it because of the headline. As I will here.
No click for you, Tickld! (ABP means you wouldn't have gotten ad revenue anyway)
An even worse headline has the format:
[Some sentence]. What happens next is [some adjective].
Just $@*&*%# tell me what happens next. Gosh.
http://www.cracked.com/video_18887_a-breakup-letter-to-upworthy.html
"Viral" clickbait is perhaps the worst thing invented in the last few years.
He said it all, man. He said it all. I even read the first few lines of that "This man is dating even though he's married" article. It's like this xkcd:
http://xkcd.com/169/
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He said it all, man. He said it all. I even read the first few lines of that "This man is dating even though he's married" article. It's like this xkcd:
http://xkcd.com/169/
I think I was lucky enough to not click through to that bait, though I got the general gist.
Amusingly, it was posted around the same time that another FB friend who is poly was talking about his wife and his girlfriend and how well they got along.
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He said it all, man. He said it all. I even read the first few lines of that "This man is dating even though he's married" article. It's like this xkcd:
http://xkcd.com/169/
I think I was lucky enough to not click through to that bait, though I got the general gist.
Amusingly, it was posted around the same time that another FB friend who is poly was talking about his wife and his girlfriend and how well they got along.
When you think about it, it's more shocking that the article wasn't about polygamy. I know that polygamy exists. I didn't know that I was going to be misled for pointless reasons.
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the one that really bugs me is the "You've been doing X wrong your whole life"
I'm like F you Buzzfeed, the banana ends up in my stomach so I think I'm doing it fine. And why you gotta make it so personal? Why not say "Hey, here's a neat new way to eat a banana!"
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The thing I can't stand is when you have to click on a new page to read the next item of the list.
It's a list. List them all on one page, asshole.
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I am guilty of making those for work. Unfortunately, there is no better way to get the same number of pageviews as you get from the slideshow. And you can say "write better stories." But when you look at the numbers, which is all advertisers care about, the shittiest slideshow gets you more clicks than the best article. It is very frustrating for the writer too.
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Well, I know it's to get more clicks, but I don't want to click! I want to just read some random stuff. I don't want a pageload after every sentence.
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the one that really bugs me is the "You've been doing X wrong your whole life"
I'm like F you Buzzfeed, the banana ends up in my stomach so I think I'm doing it fine. And why you gotta make it so personal? Why not say "Hey, here's a neat new way to eat a banana!"
My wife says the same thing when I tell her she's peeling it wrong :(
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Yeah, it's really awful to make you click more stuff so we can get paid, poor you. ;D
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Yeah, it's really awful to make you click more stuff so we can get paid, poor you. ;D
To be fair, if having the slideshow makes people leave your site after viewing one slide, you've done it wrong.
Cracked does this pretty well, breaking their articles into 2 or three pages (rather than 6, or 10, or 100).
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Yeah, it's really awful to make you click more stuff so we can get paid, poor you. ;D
I just refuse to click! "Click here to find out why!" Nosirthankyouverymuch.
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Well, I know it's to get more clicks, but I don't want to click! I want to just read some random stuff. I don't want a pageload after every sentence.
I love it when a site offers an option to view everything on one page. It doesn't even have to have attention drawn to it; I suspect the general populace clicks through all the pages. I go to one of these pages and look for a link to view all on one page. Alternatively, I'll look for a button to print all. When a page formats the list to be printed, it's all on one page.
I like to think of it as a little rebellion on the part of the developer. He's sitting there saying, "Yeah, I know you hate to click 99 times to see the top 100 midget pubes, but I left you a little present. You're welcome."
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Yeah, it's really awful to make you click more stuff so we can get paid, poor you. ;D
I can't believe people actually click on those things in the first place. I guess I just either have too little intellectual curiosity or too much common sense. Or both.
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Yeah, it's really awful to make you click more stuff so we can get paid, poor you. ;D
I can't believe people actually click on those things in the first place. I guess I just either have too little intellectual curiosity or too much common sense. Or both.
BUT IT'S GUARANTEED TO CHANGE THE WAY YOU SEE <blah> FOREVER!!!!!
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(https://38.media.tumblr.com/7d1b9e9b282ddf9f35bdd417418d6061/tumblr_n96e43pUPD1qcn4i6o2_500.jpg)
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I once had a New York City tour guide tell a joke like that.
"Did you know if you took all the wires in the Brooklyn Bridge and laid them end-to-end, the bridge would fall down?"
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In Soviet Russia, things are much better after the fall of Communism and the policies taken since, but we are still faced with the social and economic effects of living in a communist society, and I think we will still be feeling them for generations to come.
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For anyone who hasn't seen it yet - http://www.clickhole.com/
So the Onion keeps putting links to these on my timeline. The problem is that these are funny the first couple dozen times... and then they're just obvious.
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For anyone who hasn't seen it yet - http://www.clickhole.com/
So the Onion keeps putting links to these on my timeline. The problem is that these are funny the first couple dozen times... and then they're just obvious.
For me I always go there and have a good laugh ... and then find myself irresistibly tempted to click on one of the links even as I know I'm on a clickbait parody website.
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I once had a New York City tour guide tell a joke like that.
"Did you know if you took all the wires in the Brooklyn Bridge and laid them end-to-end, the bridge would fall down?"
If you took all the veins in your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
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For anyone who hasn't seen it yet - http://www.clickhole.com/
The chairs one (http://www.clickhole.com/article/10-hilarious-chairs-think-theyre-people-235) gets me every time.
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I once had a New York City tour guide tell a joke like that.
"Did you know if you took all the wires in the Brooklyn Bridge and laid them end-to-end, the bridge would fall down?"
If you took all the veins in your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
Maybe I'm weird, but I think all of these fail as anti-jokes... they're at the very least good for a quick giggle.
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I once had a New York City tour guide tell a joke like that.
"Did you know if you took all the wires in the Brooklyn Bridge and laid them end-to-end, the bridge would fall down?"
If you took all the veins in your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
Maybe I'm weird, but I think all of these fail as anti-jokes... they're at the very least good for a quick giggle.
Anti-jokes can be funny. They often are, actually.
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I once had a New York City tour guide tell a joke like that.
"Did you know if you took all the wires in the Brooklyn Bridge and laid them end-to-end, the bridge would fall down?"
If you took all the veins in your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
Maybe I'm weird, but I think all of these fail as anti-jokes... they're at the very least good for a quick giggle.
Anti-jokes can be funny. They often are, actually.
That's a great anti joke.
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I once had a New York City tour guide tell a joke like that.
"Did you know if you took all the wires in the Brooklyn Bridge and laid them end-to-end, the bridge would fall down?"
If you took all the veins in your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
Maybe I'm weird, but I think all of these fail as anti-jokes... they're at the very least good for a quick giggle.
Anti-jokes can be funny. They often are, actually.
True, but anti-jokes appear to be jokes but then turn out to have no punchline. These don't appear to be jokes, but they have the punchline anyway. So they're kind of reverse anti-jokes. Anti-anti-jokes.
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How do you make a plumber cry?
Murder his family.
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So a guy walks into a bar one day and he can’t believe his eyes. There, in the corner, there’s this one-foot-tall man, in a little tuxedo, playing a tiny grand piano.
So the guy asks the bartender, “Where’d he come from?”
And the bartender’s, like, “There’s a genie in the men’s room who grants wishes.”
So the guy runs into the men’s room and, sure enough, there’s this genie. And the genie’s, like, “Your wish is my command.” So the guy’s, like, “O.K., I wish for world peace.” And there’s this big cloud of smoke—and then the room fills up with geese.
So the guy walks out of the men’s room and he’s, like, “Hey, bartender, I think your genie might be hard of hearing.”
And the bartender’s, like, “No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist?”
So the guy processes this. And he’s, like, “Does that mean you wished for a twelve-inch penis?”
And the bartender’s, like, “Yeah. Why, what did you wish for?”
And the guy’s, like, “World peace.”
So the bartender is understandably ashamed.
And the guy orders a beer, like everything is normal, but it’s obvious that something has changed between him and the bartender.
And the bartender’s, like, “I feel like I should explain myself further.”
And the guy’s, like, “You don’t have to.”
But the bartender continues, in a hushed tone. And he’s, like, “I have what’s known as penile dysmorphic disorder. Basically, what that means is I fixate on my size. It’s not that I’m small down there. I’m actually within the normal range. Whenever I see it, though, I feel inadequate.”
And the guy feels sorry for him. So he’s, like, “Where do you think that comes from?”
And the bartender’s, like, “I don’t know. My dad and I had a tense relationship. He used to cheat on my mom, and I knew it was going on, but I didn’t tell her. I think it’s wrapped up in that somehow.”
And the guy’s, like, “Have you ever seen anyone about this?”
And the bartender’s, like, “Oh, yeah, I started seeing a therapist four years ago. But she says we’ve barely scratched the surface.”
So, at around this point, the twelve-inch pianist finishes up his sonata. And he walks over to the bar and climbs onto one of the stools. And he’s, like, “Listen, I couldn’t help but overhear the end of your conversation. I never told anyone this before, but my dad and I didn’t speak the last ten years of his life.”
And the bartender’s, like, “Tell me more about that.” And he pours the pianist a tiny glass of whiskey.
And the twelve-inch pianist is, like, “He was a total monster. Beat us all. Told me once I was an accident.”
And the bartender’s, like, “That’s horrible.”
And the twelve-inch pianist shrugs. And he’s, like, “You know what? I’m over it. He always said I wouldn’t amount to anything, because of my height? Well, now look at me. I’m a professional musician!”
And the pianist starts to laugh, but it’s a forced kind of laughter, and you can see the pain behind it. And then he’s, like, “When he was in the hospital, he had one of the nurses call me. I was going to go see him. Bought a plane ticket and everything. But before I could make it back to Tampa . . .”
And then he starts to cry. And he’s, like, “I just wish I’d had a chance to say goodbye to my old man.”
And all of a sudden there’s this big cloud of smoke—and a beat-up Plymouth Voyager appears!
And the pianist is, like, “I said ‘old man,’ not ‘old van’!”
And everybody laughs. And the pianist is, like, “Your genie’s hard of hearing.”
And the bartender says, “No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist?”
And as soon as the words leave his lips he regrets them. Because the pianist is, like, “Oh, my God. You didn’t really want me.”
And the bartender’s, like, “No, it’s not like that.” You know, trying to backpedal.
And the pianist smiles ruefully and says, “Once an accident, always an accident.” And he drinks all of his whiskey.
And the bartender’s, like, “Brian, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.”
And the pianist smashes his whiskey glass against the wall and says, “Well, I didn’t mean that.”
And the bartender’s, like, “Whoa, calm down.”
And the pianist is, like, “Fuck you!” And he’s really drunk, because he’s only one foot tall and so his tolerance for alcohol is extremely low. And he’s, like, “Fuck you, asshole! Fuck you!”
And he starts throwing punches, but he’s too small to do any real damage, and eventually he just collapses in the bartender’s arms.
And suddenly he has this revelation. And he’s, like, “My God, I’m just like him. I’m just like him.” And he starts weeping.
And the bartender’s, like, “No, you’re not. You’re better than he was.”
And the pianist is, like, “That’s not true. I’m worthless!”
And the bartender grabs the pianist by the shoulders and says, “Damn it, Brian, listen to me! My life was hell before you entered it. Now I look forward to every day. You’re so talented and kind and you light up this whole bar. Hell, you light up my whole life. If I had a second wish, you know what it would be? It would be for you to realize how beautiful you are.”
And the bartender kisses the pianist on the lips.
So the guy, who’s been watching all this, is surprised, because he didn’t know the bartender was gay. It doesn’t bother him; it just catches him off guard, you know? So he goes to the bathroom, to give them a little privacy. And there’s the genie.
So the guy’s, like, “Hey, genie, you need to get your ears fixed.”
And the genie’s, like, “Who says they’re broken?” And he opens the door, revealing the happy couple, who are kissing and gaining strength from each other.
And the guy’s, like, “Well done.”
And then the genie says, “That bartender’s tiny penis is going to seem huge from the perspective of his one-foot-tall boyfriend.”
And the graphic nature of the comment kind of kills the moment.
And the genie’s, like, “I’m sorry. I should’ve left that part unsaid. I always do that. I take things too far.”
And the guy’s, like, “Don’t worry about it. Let’s just grab a beer. It’s on me.”
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And the genie’s, like, “I’m sorry. I should’ve left that part unsaid. I always do that. I take things too far.”
And the guy’s, like, “Don’t worry about it. Let’s just grab a beer. It’s on me.”
(http://xaharts.org/funny/i/cats/cat_its_beautiful.jpg)
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Yeah, it's really awful to make you click more stuff so we can get paid, poor you. ;D
Yes, poor me. I would rather pay for the content outright rather than waste my time by clicking, clicking, clicking..... It would increase privacy, too. As a libertarian I thought you would appreciate wanting to not be tracked and misled just to read an article for "free".
But when I read those articles anyway, I guess the anti-joke is on me.
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So a guy walks into a bar one day and he can’t believe his eyes. There, in the corner, there’s this one-foot-tall man, in a little tuxedo, playing a tiny grand piano.
...[snip]...
And the guy’s, like, “Don’t worry about it. Let’s just grab a beer. It’s on me.”
Did you write this? You should submit it to a flash fiction journal or something.
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So a guy walks into a bar one day and he can’t believe his eyes. There, in the corner, there’s this one-foot-tall man, in a little tuxedo, playing a tiny grand piano.
...[snip]...
And the guy’s, like, “Don’t worry about it. Let’s just grab a beer. It’s on me.”
Did you write this? You should submit it to a flash fiction journal or something.
Nah I wish...it was in the New Yorker
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peculiar genie
But what happened to the geese?
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Yeah, it's really awful to make you click more stuff so we can get paid, poor you. ;D
Yes, poor me. I would rather pay for the content outright rather than waste my time by clicking, clicking, clicking..... It would increase privacy, too. As a libertarian I thought you would appreciate wanting to not be tracked and mislead just to read an article for "free".
But when I read those articles anyway, I guess the anti-joke is on me.
Aaaaargh! It's "misled"! "Lead" is not like "read"! The past tense of "lead" is "led", and the past tense of "mislead" is "misled"! Goddamit, people! Get it right!
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Yeah, it's really awful to make you click more stuff so we can get paid, poor you. ;D
Yes, poor me. I would rather pay for the content outright rather than waste my time by clicking, clicking, clicking..... It would increase privacy, too. As a libertarian I thought you would appreciate wanting to not be tracked and mislead just to read an article for "free".
But when I read those articles anyway, I guess the anti-joke is on me.
Aaaaargh! It's "misled"! "Lead" is not like "read"! The past tense of "lead" is "led", and the past tense of "mislead" is "misled"! Goddamit, people! Get it right!
Typo, sorry.
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"Like" Count: 43
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Misled is when you take someone some direction by making them think something else, so they make the choice willingly under the false pretense. Mislead is when you hit someone over the head with a pipe and drag them the direction you want them to go.
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Yeah, it's really awful to make you click more stuff so we can get paid, poor you. ;D
Yes, poor me. I would rather pay for the content outright rather than waste my time by clicking, clicking, clicking..... It would increase privacy, too. As a libertarian I thought you would appreciate wanting to not be tracked and mislead just to read an article for "free".
But when I read those articles anyway, I guess the anti-joke is on me.
Aaaaargh! It's "misled"! "Lead" is not like "read"! The past tense of "lead" is "led", and the past tense of "mislead" is "misled"! Goddamit, people! Get it right!
He was just trying to mislead us.
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Does anyone else miss lead? It used to be in everything.
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Does anyone else miss lead? It used to be in everything.
No. Even tiny amounts of lead have been found to be incredibly toxic and detrimental to brain chemistry.
http://www.forbes.com/sites/alexknapp/2013/01/03/how-lead-caused-americas-violent-crime-epidemic/
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Yeah, it's really awful to make you click more stuff so we can get paid, poor you. ;D
Yes, poor me. I would rather pay for the content outright rather than waste my time by clicking, clicking, clicking..... It would increase privacy, too. As a libertarian I thought you would appreciate wanting to not be tracked and mislead just to read an article for "free".
But when I read those articles anyway, I guess the anti-joke is on me.
Aaaaargh! It's "misled"! "Lead" is not like "read"! The past tense of "lead" is "led", and the past tense of "mislead" is "misled"! Goddamit, people! Get it right!
Typo, sorry.
I'm also sorry for flying off the handle. I'm not mad at you, Polk. I've just been seeing this everywhere on the internet recently. Everybody misspells "led".
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Yeah, it's really awful to make you click more stuff so we can get paid, poor you. ;D
Yes, poor me. I would rather pay for the content outright rather than waste my time by clicking, clicking, clicking..... It would increase privacy, too. As a libertarian I thought you would appreciate wanting to not be tracked and mislead just to read an article for "free".
But when I read those articles anyway, I guess the anti-joke is on me.
Aaaaargh! It's "misled"! "Lead" is not like "read"! The past tense of "lead" is "led", and the past tense of "mislead" is "misled"! Goddamit, people! Get it right!
Typo, sorry.
I'm also sorry for flying off the handle. I'm not mad at you, Polk. I've just been seeing this everywhere on the internet recently. Everybody misspells "led".
Except for guided.
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I miss neon more than I miss led.
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Does anyone else miss lead? It used to be in everything.
No. Even tiny amounts of lead have been found to be incredibly toxic and detrimental to brain chemistry.
http://www.forbes.com/sites/alexknapp/2013/01/03/how-lead-caused-americas-violent-crime-epidemic/
The second-best contribution to the anti-joke thread.
The first being the pianist. That was a piece of work.
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Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 has C̷͏̜̘̳͖̻O̳̗̼̠̖̤̙͢ͅL̷̠͖̮̼̜͈̙ͅḐ̮͍̦̮̖͕ͅ ҉̷͓̦̦͖̣̪͘D̛̛̛̪̫̣̼̥ͅE̶͎͕͎̲̞̥̘̠͘A͏̴͉̱̟̻͖͙̙ͅD͚͈̺͎ ̸̬̟͇͇̺̣͡Ȩ̷̦͕̞̲̮̩͘Y҉͚͚̫̥͉̟́͞E͜͏̝S̥̖̠̲͜
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I am finding all of these hillarious, which is against the spirit of this thread, therefore everyone who posts something that amuses me, im going to hunt down on of your previous posts I have +1'd and then unvote it.
(I'm not really because A) that would be mean, b) it would be against the spirit of the forum, C) I'm actually just really really lazy)