This thread is about defaming your least favorite cards for whatever reasons. Hyperbole is expected and encouraged.
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Sauna/Avanto
Some cards you can tell right away that they're there just to amplify shuffle luck and fuck you over. Before you've even looked at the prize pile, you can tell that Tournament's card art might as well be a piece of buttered toast falling through the air superimposed with the face of Murphy laughing at you. Even if Baker is on the board and you open double Tournament to play it as a Peddler, you know that they're going to land on the bottom of your deck together and the player to your left is going to hook up Vassal with Horse Traders and shuffle the Province into their hand on the turn you play them. You're just totally fucked no matter what, and you already knew there was going to be some dumbass junk prize like a Diadem left over for you to get stuck with with no fucking Villages on the fucking board. Like seriously, fucking Diadem. I knew there was going to be a turd in the prize pile somewhere, but this one exceeded the limits of my imagination.
Some cards are sneakier than Tournament, subtler. Some cards look cute and harmless, but you grow to hate them a little more every time you play with them. Sauna/Avanto is one such card. At first, it looks cute. You're just some rich dude dicking around. I want to warm up, but now I want to cool down, and now I want to warm up again. Look at all this free time I have because I am a rich dude who owns stuff that helps me dick around. But there is a dark, random, game-wreckingly awful demon lurking in the cold and hot places.
This split pile - or perhaps should I say shit pile - is the stealth Tournament of Dominion: 2nd Edition. Once you realize how shitty and unfair this stupid fucking card is, all you can ever do is pray that there's a strong combo on the board that beats it. Otherwise, you can just kiss your buttered toast goodbye as this no-skill piece of shit ruins your game, and there's nothing you can do about it. That toast is landing face down in a pile of dirt, and you're out of paper towels, and that's just Murphy's Law.
Everyone will open Sauna/Silver. The player to your left will collide them, and you won't. You will lose tempo, and the player to your left will have increasingly favorable odds of favorable collisions, rapidly ascending to probability 1, and will be drawing their deck every turn by the fifth shuffle if not sooner. There won't be any villages on the board, but there's this cool thing where Sauna/Avanto/Sauna is equivalent to two fucking Laboratories and a Village, but you can't fucking collide them because you're not the lucky ass motherfucker who was able to collide your Silvers with your Saunas every fucking shuffle and now everyone else is drawing their deck every goddamned turn and you still have five dumbass Coppers and two motherfucking Estates. Like fucking seriously. Strap me on an Acme rocket and fly me into the side of a mountain full of rabid dingos.
If you're player 3 or 4 in a multiplayer, you can fucking forget about ever even getting a second Sauna anyway. You'll just have to decide whether you want yet another Curse from Torturer or not, as your odds of colliding multiple Silvers with a Sauna slowly declines as your Curses fill the spaces between your Sauna and your Silvers because you're Player 3 and you didn't get to trash anything on Shuffle 2, and now there's Curses.
An extra insult is in store in online play to sour the experience, win or lose. If you somehow manage to become the lucky bastard who actually gets to run your engine, you'll get rewarded by constantly being asked whether you want to trash your fucking Provinces four times every fucking turn. Getting the notices to go away is worse than trying to remember how to get Siri to shut the fuck up when you turn off the highway three miles from your house and you know where the fuck you are, fucking stop it Siri my hands are full of coffee and steering wheel!!! while the other players keep texting "hurry the fuck up so I can kill myself ffs" in the chat box.
I mean, Pirate Ship was never fun, but at least it had the decency to suck balls power-wise. Tournament had the decency to wear its general RNG fuckery on its sleeve. Rebuild is mercifully quick, if nothing else good can be said about it.
From the view of player enjoyment, Sauna/Avanto is the worst of all possible worlds.