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[mail-mi]

I renamed my iPod the titanic. It's syncing now.

Broken pencils are pointless

Edit: This may help: http://m.

[Axxle]

The contractor forgot to tighten all the bolts to the elevator when installing it, now they're screwed.

[Titandrake]

I think he's internalized his girlfriend's attitudes, and so his tastes have changed.

.

http://xkcd.com/559/

.

[Drab Emordnilap]

FROG PARKING ONLY

All Others Will Be Toad

[Kirian]

How does a rabbi make wine for Passover?  Hebrews it!

[Morgrim7]

When chemists die, we barium.

Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.

[^_^_^_^]

A clown retires and decides to hand over the business to his son.
His son says: "I dunno, Dad, those are big shoes to fill."

[werothegreat]

A boy from Alabama marries a girl from Palestine, and they name their son Yasir Yabetcha.

[AdamH]

You can tune a piano but you can't tuna fish.

[Kirian]

You can tune a piano but you can't tuna fish.

Sure you can, you just have to mess with its scales.

[AdamH]

Which knight invented the round table?

Sir Cumference

[Dsell]

Have you seen Skrillex's new cooking video?

He drops the beet.

[mail-mi]

Why did Moses rub his shoulder? Hebrews'd it!

[Axxle]

Have you seen Skrillex's new cooking video?

He drops the beet.

Lettuce
Turnip
The beet

[zporiri]

What do you call someone who teaches people how to fart?

A tutor.

[eHalcyon]

Have you seen Skrillex's new cooking video?

He drops the beet.

[Awaclus]

I sent ten puns to a pun contest, hoping that one would win, but no pun in ten did.

[sudgy]

I sent ten puns to a pun contest, hoping that one would win, but no pun in ten did.

Was it punintentional?

[mail-mi]

I sent ten puns to a pun contest, hoping that one would win, but no pun in ten did.

Was it punintentional?

Aw man I feel like I've been punished.

[Kuildeous]

Which knight invented the round table?

Sir Cumference

I guess it's obvious what Sir Cumcision invented. He started on family, but he had to force kin to do it.

[theory]

Three brothers started a cattle ranch, but could not think of a name for it. 

They asked their father, and he suggested Focus: because that's where the sun's rays meet.

[ConMan]

When you go to a meeting of a historical reenactment society, it's usually pretty easy to work out what nationality everyone is. The Scot is in his Braveheart-style kilt and woad, the Japanese wears Samurai armour, and of course the Czech is in the mail.

[Axxle]

[Galzria]

I feel ripped off.

[Galzria]

I tried to force Sir Cumvent to come post here... but he always seems to find a way of avoiding me.

[Archetype]

Whiteboards are remarkable.

[eHalcyon]

It's tough to explain puns to kleptomaniacs.  They always take things literally.

[theory]

The magic tractor drove down the road, then turned into a field.

[Kuildeous]

The magic tractor drove down the road, then turned into a field.

Doesn't that detract from the subject?

[Axxle]

I tried to get a team together to solve a problem involving massless, frictionless pulleys.  It didn't get much traction.

[mail-mi]

I know a guy that's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

[Dsell]

If you guys have a twitter account, follow @AceMakesWords. Even if you don't, look him up. He consistently has some of the best puns I've ever seen. https://twitter.com/AceMakesWords

Edit: if you don't believe me, here are some samples:

You practice autocannibalism? You're full of yourself

You want a small coffee from Starbucks? That's a tall order

This budding anatomist isn't great yet but his heart is in the right place

First you said Y=X, then Y=2X, and now Y=3X? This is a slippery slope

"You've been diagnosed with acute incredulity" BUT THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE

My failed sculpting company went bust

Why does this police sketch artist keep drawing aggressor's heads facing sideways? That's profiling

The umpires at this baseball game have replaced the balls with human body parts but nobody's even batted an eye

[SirPeebles]

If you guys have a twitter account, follow @AceMakesWords. Even if you don't, look him up. He consistently has some of the best puns I've ever seen. https://twitter.com/AceMakesWords

Found this one:

The candlestick maker is on the mafia's hitlist? He's going to get snuffed.

Edit:  Have you all tried a Mafia game as Guilds characters?

[mail-mi]

If you guys have a twitter account, follow @AceMakesWords. Even if you don't, look him up. He consistently has some of the best puns I've ever seen. https://twitter.com/AceMakesWords

Found this one:

The candlestick maker is on the mafia's hitlist? He's going to get snuffed.

Edit:  Have you all tried a Mafia game as Guilds characters?

No but... we should.

[Axxle]

Edit:  Have you all tried a Mafia game as Guilds characters?

[SirPeebles]

I think I speak for everyone when I say that my becoming a solipsist was the best decision anyone has ever made.

[SirPeebles]

And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life."  But John came fifth and won a toaster.

[Dsell]

In the moment before the apple hit Newton's head, he didn't realize the gravity of the situation.

[eHalcyon]

Rick will happily lend you any movie in his Pixar connection except for one.  Which one?

[Tables]

Rick will happily lend you any movie in his Pixar connection except for one.  Which one?

[Dsell]

(From AceMakesWords)

George Lucas opens a jewelry store and has a day-long sale on necklaces. Happy Indy Pendants Day

[eHalcyon]

[mail-mi]

A friend of mine introduced me to Dominion about a year ago, and we quickly became intrigued

I sea what you did there. 

Was this side comment necessary?

Oh my these are some prosperous puns.

I'm just trying to get the F.DS user base to promote the introduction of a new member.

Oh man all these chesy puns are killing my brain!

Wait, what puns? Can you give me a hint? Or are you just going to keep me in the dark?

I felt these needed to be cross-posted.

[AJD]

I felt these needed to be cross-posted.

Eh, not corny enough.

[Dsell]

*coronation* I dub thee Pun Czar!
Haha I'm Putin the "pun" in "pundit!"
*cheers*
*man sneers in thick Russian accent*
Pun Czar horrible...

[sudgy]

*Puts arm around someone else's shoulder*

"You are now armed."

[mail-mi]

I went on a camping trip last week. It was in tents.

[scott_pilgrim]

"I trash, therefore I +$5" - René Deathcart.

[eHalcyon]

"I trash, therefore I +$5" - René Deathcart.

Probably it would go the other way around.  You get +$5 regardless of whether you trash.

[liopoil]

you could stick with "am" because if deathcart doesn't trash, he is no more.

[eHalcyon]

you could stick with "am" because if deathcart doesn't trash, he is no more.

Death Cart always trashes an action; it's just that he will trash himself as the action if there isn't another one available (exception: TR family).

[theory]

You can't trust atoms.  They make up everything.

[SirPeebles]

You can't trust atoms.  They make up everything.

I trust this neutron star with my life, but man is he dense.