Should I do a rendition of the Aristocrats, or would that be better for RSP?
Only if it is dominion themed.
I will take that challenge.
...continue reading at your own peril.
...
...
A talent agent is just about to close shop for the day, when in walks a family of four - a man, his wife, and their son and daughter. They are all dressed immaculately, the men in freshly-pressed tuxedos, and the women in beautiful, tasteful evening gowns. They have a great big suitcase with them. The man walks up to the talent agent, and says: "Good evening. I would like to humbly present my family's act to you, in the hopes that we might someday grace the vaunted halls of theatre." The talent agent, intrigued, gestures for them to proceed, and leans back in his chair.
The man bows, walks over to his family, and the family as a whole bows. Then they bring up the suitcase, and open the front pocket, taking out a pair of scissors. With the scissors, they proceed to cut their beautiful (and hideously expensive) formal wear away, leaving them stark naked. The man then pulls out the Dominion base set from the suitcase, and opens it. The wife shrieks out: "AHH DOMINION I LOOOOOOVE DOMINION AHHH" and starts rubbing the rulebook all over herself, while epileptically seizing on the floor. The daughter curtsies, then takes out the Chancellor cards, and starts rubbing them all over herself, screaming: "AHHHH CHANCELLOR I LOVE CHANCELLOR IT'S THE BEST CARD EVER I BUY IT IN EVERY GAME AHHH CHANCELLOR!" Then the son takes out the Laboratory cards, and starts ripping them up, shouting "LABORATORY IS STUPID WHY WOULD ANYONE BUY THIS I HATE THIS CARD RAWR," and then shoving the pieces into his mouth, chewing and swallowing them. Finally, the man takes out the Chapel cards, squats down, holds them under his bottom, and screams: "THIS IS THE WORST CARD EVER IN RELATION TO ITS COST WHY WOULD ANYONE BUY THIS WHEN THERE AREN'T ANY CURSES" and with a loud fart, defecates all over the Chapel cards and his hand.
The talent agent is horrified, but the family doesn't seem to be done yet, so he merely continues to watch.
The man wipes off his excrement on his daughter's face, then takes out the Intrigue expansion, setting it down and removing the lid. The wife, who had been bouncing around on the floor rubbing the base rulebook on herself this entire time, suddenly grabs the Intrigue rulebook, rubbing that over herself as well, moaning in ecstasy. The daughter then grabs the Scout cards out of the box, and tries to make out with the two-dimensional face of the Scout, crying: "AHHH SCOUT IS MY FAVORITE CARD EVER IT COMBOS SO WELL WITH EVERYTHING!" The son then reverentially takes out Saboteur, and hands it to his father. The son then proceeds to urinate into the box, shrieking: "EVERYTHING ELSE IN THIS SET IS TERRIBLE WHY WOULD YOU EVER BUY THIS" while his father gently rubs the Saboteur cards, calmly crooning: "Ohhh yesssss Saboteur I love you you're so amazing Saboteur oooo yessss oooo Saboteur you're the best card ever designed oooooooo I'd cheat on my wife with you ooo yessss Saboteur you're the best thing in the entire universe oooo yess Saboteur you are my God and I worship you oooo Saboteur..."
The family proceed in this manner with the rest of the expansions. The talent agent is glued to his seat in shock and morbid fascination. Finally, when all the expansions had been strewn about the room, covered with urine and feces and other bodily fluids, the daughter walks up to the talent agent cradling Counting House in her tiny hands. She holds the card up to him, and asks him to kiss it. The talent agent furtively glances around, then quickly touches his lips to the card. The daughter then walks back over to her family, where they are all lined up, and they all face the talent agent and take a bow. They then about face, and march out of the talent agent's office, stark naked. The talent agent finally comes out of his stupor, and calls out: "Hey! Wait!" The family stops, and looks to the man, who walks back over to the talent agent. The talent agent struggles to find something to say, finally blurting out: "Well, what the hell do you call yourselves?" The man smiles, and says: "We are... the Aristocrats!"
