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[Donald X.]

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'

"Twenty-six."

Calment's remarkable health presaged her later record. At age 85 (1960), she took up fencing, and continued to ride her bicycle up until her 100th birthday. She was reportedly neither athletic nor fanatical about her health.[9] Calment lived on her own until shortly before her 110th birthday, when it was decided that she needed to be moved to a nursing home after starting a small fire in her house, caused by a cooking accident, which has been attributed to complications with sight. However, Calment was still in good shape, and continued to walk until she fractured her femur during a fall at age 114 years 11 months (January 1990), which required surgery.[5][14]

Calment smoked cigarettes from the age of 21 (1896) to 117 (1992),[2][15] though according to an unspecified source, she smoked no more than two cigarettes per day towards the end of her life.[16] After her operation, Calment needed to use a wheelchair. In 1994, age 119, she weighed 45 kilograms (99 lb).

Calment ascribed her longevity and relatively youthful appearance for her age to a diet rich in olive oil[4] (which she also rubbed onto her skin), as well as a diet of port wine, and ate nearly one kilogram (2.2 lb) of chocolate every week. She also credited her calmness, saying, "That's why they call me Calment."[17] Calment reportedly remained mentally intact until her very end.[4]

On 4 August 1997, around 10 AM Central European Time [18] Calment died, aged 122. After her death, 116-year-old Marie-Louise Meilleur became the oldest recognized living person.

[Kuildeous]

On 4 August 1997, around 10 AM Central European Time [18] Calment died, aged 122. After her death, 116-year-old Marie-Louise Meilleur became the oldest recognized living person.

Vote: Meilleur

[Seprix]

What do you get when you cross a monk and a goat?

You get a moat

[Witherweaver]

What do you get when you cross a monk and a goat?

You get a moat

You may see yourself out.

[Seprix]

What do you get when you cross a monk and a goat?

You get a moat

You may see yourself out.

I'm sorry you didn't like my big reveal. I'll try to not make you cross in the future.

[skip wooznum]

What do you get when you cross a monk and a goat?

You get a gonk

fixed

[Kuildeous]

What do you get when you cross a monk and a goat?

You get a gonk

fixed

Thanks for that. I don't know what Seprix was thinking. That other punchline made no sense!

[Seprix]

What do you get when you cross a monk and a goat?

You get a gonk

fixed

Thanks for that. I don't know what Seprix was thinking. That other punchline made no sense!

Yeah, that joke didn't sink in well with WW either. There's just a gap with me and everyone else when it comes to jokes in honestly. I just can't find that mental bridge to go over to get with everyone else joke-wise.

[SwitchedFromStarcraft]

We are all WW.

[Darth Vader]

Luke and Leia tried to have a relationship, but they looked in Alderaan places. It's funny because they'll never find any Alderaan location ever again.

[jonts26]

I just got a new job at a prison library. It has its prose and cons.

[Axxle]

What do you get when you cross a monk and a goat?

You get a gonk

fixed

Thanks for that. I don't know what Seprix was thinking. That other punchline made no sense!

Yeah, that joke didn't sink in well with WW either. There's just a gap with me and everyone else when it comes to jokes in honestly. I just can't find that mental bridge to go over to get with everyone else joke-wise.

Yeah, you never know what kind of reaction people will have, but don't let it get you blue.

[pacovf]

Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishit? He got off on a technicality.

[Polk5440]

What do this thread and entropy have in common?
They aren't what they used to be.

[Elanchana]

I have a new business.
What's your new business?
I'm a wine merchant.
How is business?
Sorry, what was that? I've been in the tavern all day and I'm kinda hungover... ooh, shiny!

[pacovf]

A pirate walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender gives him a beer, stares at him, and asks:
"Sir, have you noticed that you have a ship's wheel coming out of your pants?"
And the pirate answers:
"Arrrr, it be drivin' me nuts!"

[LastFootnote]

A pirate walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender gives him a beer, stares at him, and asks:
"Sir, have you noticed that you have a ship's wheel coming out of your pants?"
And the pirate answers:
"Arrrr, it be drivin' me nuts!"

My favorite version of that joke was always:

A pirate walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender gives him a beer, stares at him, and asks:
"Sir, have you noticed that you have a ship's wheel coming out of your pants?"
And the pirate answers:
"Yes, there was a terrible nautical accident. Please call an ambulance immediately."

[Haddock]

How do you titillate an ocelot?
Oscillate its tit a lot.

[Kirian]

There once was a man from Nantucket
                                                                                   
                                           
                                   
                                  Moat.                           

[A Drowned Kernel]

Interrupting tachyons.

[ConMan]

Who's there?

[A Drowned Kernel]

Knock knock.

[Witherweaver]

Hey, want to hear a joke?

[2.71828.....]

Hey, want to hear a joke?

Yes

[Axxle]

3.14159% of sailors are pi rates.