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scott_pilgrim

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #550 on: August 05, 2015, 07:26:17 pm »
0

On the Jesus-related subject, someone on a different forum raised this objection relating to Jesus's Road to Emmaus appearance after his resurrection

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Road_to_Emmaus_appearance

My favourite part is how the disciplines didn't recognize Jesus despite spending the day on the road with him. It was only when he broke bread that they realized. That tells us several amazing things. Firstly, he looked like a completely different dude after the resurrection. Like people who lived with him couldn't tell. Hell, he might have been white pre resurrection and black after. Or a chick. Whatever. Secondly, he had such an unbelievably unique way of breaking bread that the logical conclusion wasn't "hey, did you grow up in Nazareth?" or "did you learn that from someone because I know a guy who broke it like that too?". The only logical conclusion that they could reach was that this man, or woman, who looked like a completely different person was the same person as Jesus, who they knew was dead, and that he must have come back, but looking differently.

We're talking something so incredibly unique that resurrection and transformation is more believable than it being replicated by anyone else. This breaking of the bread is world changing, it'll challenge everything you know about bread, breaking and the universe to the point that resurrection seems standard. And this was just how Jesus broke bread every time, they recognized that it was his special way of doing it.

I would love to know what that breaking involved. If he did it with his mind or if angels sliced it with flaming swords or whatever else I can't imagine which is more unbelievable than resurrection. If Jesus came back it's the breaking of the bread I'd want to see.

Well, there was that part where he fed 5000 people with 5 loaves of bread, so maybe he pulled that trick again?
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theory

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #551 on: August 05, 2015, 07:45:39 pm »
+5

On the Jesus-related subject, someone on a different forum raised this objection relating to Jesus's Road to Emmaus appearance after his resurrection

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Road_to_Emmaus_appearance

My favourite part is how the disciplines didn't recognize Jesus despite spending the day on the road with him. It was only when he broke bread that they realized. That tells us several amazing things. Firstly, he looked like a completely different dude after the resurrection. Like people who lived with him couldn't tell. Hell, he might have been white pre resurrection and black after. Or a chick. Whatever. Secondly, he had such an unbelievably unique way of breaking bread that the logical conclusion wasn't "hey, did you grow up in Nazareth?" or "did you learn that from someone because I know a guy who broke it like that too?". The only logical conclusion that they could reach was that this man, or woman, who looked like a completely different person was the same person as Jesus, who they knew was dead, and that he must have come back, but looking differently.

We're talking something so incredibly unique that resurrection and transformation is more believable than it being replicated by anyone else. This breaking of the bread is world changing, it'll challenge everything you know about bread, breaking and the universe to the point that resurrection seems standard. And this was just how Jesus broke bread every time, they recognized that it was his special way of doing it.

I would love to know what that breaking involved. If he did it with his mind or if angels sliced it with flaming swords or whatever else I can't imagine which is more unbelievable than resurrection. If Jesus came back it's the breaking of the bread I'd want to see.

Well, there was that part where he fed 5000 people with 5 loaves of bread, so maybe he pulled that trick again?
That settles it.  Jesus was clearly pro-choice. Try explaining how he fed 5,000 people with five loaves of bread and two fish without using Banach-Tarski.
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theory

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #552 on: August 05, 2015, 07:47:26 pm »
+3

More math jokes:

Three logicians walk into a bar and the bartender asks, "Would you all like a drink?"
The first one says "I'm not sure," the second says, "I'm also unsure."
The third says, "Yes."

What happens if you cross a mountain climber and a mosquito?  Trick question you can't cross a vector and a scalar.
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LibraryAdventurer

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #553 on: August 06, 2015, 01:14:06 am »
0

One day Jesus was teaching the crowds, and at one point he says, "y = 3x2 - 4x + 1". His disciples, of course, have no idea what he's talking about.  They think maybe John will know something, so they ask him.  John says, "Don't worry.  It's just another one of his parabolas."
Could someone explain this joke to me so I can laugh at it? 

On the Jesus-related subject, someone on a different forum raised this objection relating to Jesus's Road to Emmaus appearance after his resurrection
You say "this objection", but what objection do you mean?  I don't see any objection in the linked page. It is part of the math joke that I don't get?

I feel I should post a joke since I'm posting in the joke thread.
...
sorry, can't think of any offhand, so I'll just quote a couple headlines from the Onion:
"Earthquake wipes out Etchasketchistan"
"Ninja Parade Slips By Town Unnoticed Once Again"

sudgy

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #554 on: August 06, 2015, 02:01:28 am »
0

One day Jesus was teaching the crowds, and at one point he says, "y = 3x2 - 4x + 1". His disciples, of course, have no idea what he's talking about.  They think maybe John will know something, so they ask him.  John says, "Don't worry.  It's just another one of his parabolas."
Could someone explain this joke to me so I can laugh at it? 

Jesus often spoke in stories called parables.
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   Quote from: sudgy on June 31, 2011, 11:47:46 pm

LibraryAdventurer

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #555 on: August 06, 2015, 02:22:54 am »
0

One day Jesus was teaching the crowds, and at one point he says, "y = 3x2 - 4x + 1". His disciples, of course, have no idea what he's talking about.  They think maybe John will know something, so they ask him.  John says, "Don't worry.  It's just another one of his parabolas."
Could someone explain this joke to me so I can laugh at it? 

Jesus often spoke in stories called parables.

Um, yes, I got that part, I just don't get the math part. What's a "parabola" as opposed to a "parable"?

scott_pilgrim

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #556 on: August 06, 2015, 03:04:39 am »
+3

One day Jesus was teaching the crowds, and at one point he says, "y = 3x2 - 4x + 1". His disciples, of course, have no idea what he's talking about.  They think maybe John will know something, so they ask him.  John says, "Don't worry.  It's just another one of his parabolas."
Could someone explain this joke to me so I can laugh at it? 

Jesus often spoke in stories called parables.

Um, yes, I got that part, I just don't get the math part. What's a "parabola" as opposed to a "parable"?

A parabola is the shape made by the graph of a quadratic function (i.e. something with an x2 term in it (and possibly linear and constant terms)).  Arguably the joke would have been more accurate if Jesus had said, "The graph of y=3x2-4x+1", rather than just saying the function by itself.

---

Another old joke I just remembered:

A lot of people don't know how Canada got its name.  It turns out, when it was first founded, its founders couldn't decide on a name.  After lots of heated discussions and some long brainstorming sessions, they finally decided that the best thing to do would be to just leave it up to chance.  So they mixed up all the letters and put them in a hat, and brought up a Canadian guy to pull them out.  He pulled the first letter and it was a C, so he said "C, eh?"  He pulled the next letter and it was an N, so he said, "N, eh?"  Finally he pulled the last letter and it was a D, so he said, "D, eh?"  And that's how Canada got its name!
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LibraryAdventurer

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #557 on: August 06, 2015, 03:10:56 am »
+1

One day Jesus was teaching the crowds, and at one point he says, "y = 3x2 - 4x + 1". His disciples, of course, have no idea what he's talking about.  They think maybe John will know something, so they ask him.  John says, "Don't worry.  It's just another one of his parabolas."
Could someone explain this joke to me so I can laugh at it? 

Jesus often spoke in stories called parables.

Um, yes, I got that part, I just don't get the math part. What's a "parabola" as opposed to a "parable"?

A parabola is the shape made by the graph of a quadratic function (i.e. something with an x2 term in it (and possibly linear and constant terms)).  Arguably the joke would have been more accurate if Jesus had said, "The graph of y=3x2-4x+1", rather than just saying the function by itself.

And sudgy apparently thought I was more likely to be familiar with this than the fact that Jesus spoke in stories called parables?  <shakes head and mutters something about crazy fds math-nerds>

EDIT: When I saw the names of the Tool song, I assumed that "parabola" was just "parable" in another language or something, but now I realize it's referring to some math formula shape. ...which doesn't make a lot of sense to me but it's not surprising from what I've heard about Maynard.
« Last Edit: August 06, 2015, 03:19:14 am by LibraryAdventurer »
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ipofanes

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #558 on: August 06, 2015, 04:27:02 am »
+2

That settles it.  Jesus was clearly pro-choice. Try explaining how he fed 5,000 people with five loaves of bread and two fish without using Banach-Tarski.

Current corporate-speak version maintains that he took five loafs and two fish and pirated them.

As St. Augustinus put it: Omnis enim res, quae dando non deficit, dum habetur et non datur, nondum habetur, quomodo habenda est.
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terminalCopper

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #559 on: August 06, 2015, 07:16:38 am »
+9

A guy sits on the balcony, and says to his girlfriend: „Hey Darling, I will smoke a giant monster-joint“.

And so he did.

Suddenly, a fireball flew through the sky!

He was impressed, and decided to smoke another giant monster-joint.

Then again, a fireball flew through the sky …

and after a third giant monster-joint:

once again, a fireball flew threw the sky.

Then, he said to his girlfriend: „Hey darling, I am terribly thirsty!“

She answers: "That doesn’t surprise me, given that you’ve been on the balcony for three days."
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sudgy

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #560 on: August 17, 2015, 01:47:36 pm »
+5

Two muffins are cooking in the oven.  The first says to the other one, "Hey, it's getting hot in here..."  The other replies, "Ah!!!  A talking muffin!!!"
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   Quote from: sudgy on June 31, 2011, 11:47:46 pm

Flip5ide

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #561 on: August 17, 2015, 04:21:36 pm »
0

What did the hippie say when I asked him to get off my couch? Namaste.

Can someone explain this joke from page 1?
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Witherweaver

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #562 on: August 17, 2015, 04:22:58 pm »
+3

What did the hippie say when I asked him to get off my couch? Namaste.

Can someone explain this joke from page 1?

Nah, Imma not gonna explain that joke for you.
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eHalcyon

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #563 on: August 17, 2015, 11:31:58 pm »
+1

And sudgy apparently thought I was more likely to be familiar with this than the fact that Jesus spoke in stories called parables?  <shakes head and mutters something about crazy fds math-nerds>

It doesn't sound that crazy to me?  Parabolas are grade 10 math...
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LibraryAdventurer

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #564 on: August 17, 2015, 11:56:47 pm »
0

And sudgy apparently thought I was more likely to be familiar with this than the fact that Jesus spoke in stories called parables?  <shakes head and mutters something about crazy fds math-nerds>

It doesn't sound that crazy to me?  Parabolas are grade 10 math...

10th grade was a long time ago to remember math stuff I've never used since.

I'm so absent minded that when my teacher called the roll, the rock answered instead, and I forgot why this joke was funny.

terminalCopper

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #565 on: August 18, 2015, 05:35:32 am »
+5

A young boy asks a woman how old she is; she wants him to guess her age.

He says: "Hmmm, maybe you are 40 years old?"

She answers: "Well ... you're right, I am exactly 40 years old. But listen, if you want to be gentle, always guess 10 years less when guessing a womans age".

He replies: "Sorry ma'am, I tried to do so!"
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Asper

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #566 on: August 18, 2015, 06:44:37 am »
+1

And sudgy apparently thought I was more likely to be familiar with this than the fact that Jesus spoke in stories called parables?  <shakes head and mutters something about crazy fds math-nerds>

It doesn't sound that crazy to me?  Parabolas are grade 10 math...

I thought about pointing out that there probably are vastly more people on the globe that are familiar with parabolas than with Jesus (or at least, familiar enough to know he spoke in parables), but as the joke limits the audience to english speakers, and more, to the demographic of this forum, i wasn't sure anymore.
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Awaclus

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #567 on: August 18, 2015, 07:41:53 am »
+1

And sudgy apparently thought I was more likely to be familiar with this than the fact that Jesus spoke in stories called parables?  <shakes head and mutters something about crazy fds math-nerds>

It doesn't sound that crazy to me?  Parabolas are grade 10 math...

I thought about pointing out that there probably are vastly more people on the globe that are familiar with parabolas than with Jesus (or at least, familiar enough to know he spoke in parables), but as the joke limits the audience to english speakers, and more, to the demographic of this forum, i wasn't sure anymore.

Well, I didn't know that the Jesus things were called "parables" in English (although it was not very hard to guess since I was familiar with the word from other contexts). I guess it's not a super good argument since Finnish seems to be one of the few languages where the word for parable does not resemble the English word, but it's not inconceivable that someone here would actually have to ask what sudgy thought LA was asking.
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LibraryAdventurer

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #568 on: August 18, 2015, 07:07:25 pm »
+1

A young boy asks a woman how old she is; she wants him to guess her age.

He says: "Hmmm, maybe you are 40 years old?"

She answers: "Well ... you're right, I am exactly 40 years old. But listen, if you want to be gentle, always guess 10 years less when guessing a womans age".

He replies: "Sorry ma'am, I tried to do so!"
The right answer is to never give an answer when a woman asks you to guess her age. Or always say 21. The last time that happened to me, I thought she looked around 51-52, so I guessed 45. Turns out she was 38.
« Last Edit: August 19, 2015, 12:21:50 am by LibraryAdventurer »
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sudgy

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #569 on: August 19, 2015, 12:07:58 am »
0

Did you know that fruits and veggies support flipping people off?  They're pro-deuce.
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   Quote from: sudgy on June 31, 2011, 11:47:46 pm

Witherweaver

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #570 on: August 19, 2015, 09:51:57 am »
+1

A young boy asks a woman how old she is; she wants him to guess her age.

He says: "Hmmm, maybe you are 40 years old?"

She answers: "Well ... you're right, I am exactly 40 years old. But listen, if you want to be gentle, always guess 10 years less when guessing a womans age".

He replies: "Sorry ma'am, I tried to do so!"
The right answer is to never give an answer when a woman asks you to guess her age. Or always say 21. The last time that happened to me, I thought she looked around 51-52, so I guessed 45. Turns out she was 38.

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #571 on: August 19, 2015, 10:00:49 am »
0

The right answer is to never give an answer when a woman asks you to guess her age. Or always say 21. The last time that happened to me, I thought she looked around 51-52, so I guessed 45. Turns out she was 38.

The difference between 45 and 38 doesn't sound like a big deal to me though.
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #572 on: August 19, 2015, 10:48:17 am »
0

You just answer "85?". Works every time, 60% of the time.
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #573 on: August 19, 2015, 04:32:13 pm »
+2

A young boy asks a woman how old she is; she wants him to guess her age.

He says: "Hmmm, maybe you are 40 years old?"

She answers: "Well ... you're right, I am exactly 40 years old. But listen, if you want to be gentle, always guess 10 years less when guessing a womans age".

He replies: "Sorry ma'am, I tried to do so!"
The right answer is to never give an answer when a woman asks you to guess her age. Or always say 21. The last time that happened to me, I thought she looked around 51-52, so I guessed 45. Turns out she was 38.
I tend bar part time and I'm always surprised at the different reactions I get when I ask women to prove their age.  Twice in the past two weeks I asked women who both happened to be a very youthful 34 for their ID.  The first was thrilled, and I caught her telling her Dad, who came in later, the story.  The second woman was PISSED, like I'd done her bodily harm.  Go figure.
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #574 on: August 19, 2015, 09:49:54 pm »
+6

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'

"Twenty-six."
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