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Author Topic: A joke thread  (Read 181905 times)

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mail-mi

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #275 on: February 11, 2014, 08:57:54 pm »
+6

Why was six afraid of seven?

Because seven was a registered six-offender!
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sudgy

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #276 on: March 01, 2014, 08:46:05 pm »
+10

So, when people die, they go to heaven and tell the guy there how they died, and if they like the story, they let them in.  One day, someone tells this story:

"So, I was about to go to the grocery store, but I couldn't find my wallet.  Then I saw a guy on my 8th floor fire escape (I live in an apartment), and I realized he must have the wallet.  So, I start smashing this guy with a hammer, and he falls off.  He lands in some bushes and survives, and I was so mad at him I threw my fridge down at him.  The shock of everything killed me."

They let him in, because that was an interesting story.  The next guy comes up:

"I was tending to my plants on my 9th floor fire escape, but accidentally fell off.  I landed on the 8th floor fire escape, and the guy who lives there suddenly came out and started smashing me with a hammer.  I fell off, and thankfully landed in some bushes.  Then, the guy throws his fridge on me.  The fridge killed me."

They let that guy in too.  The next guy:

"So, I'm in a fridge with a wallet..."
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   Quote from: sudgy on June 31, 2011, 11:47:46 pm

Axxle

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #277 on: March 12, 2014, 09:36:07 pm »
+5


Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?".

The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
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Witherweaver

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #278 on: March 13, 2014, 09:18:02 am »
+4

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SirPeebles

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #279 on: March 29, 2014, 06:57:23 pm »
+8

A thread joke?

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Axxle

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #280 on: April 28, 2014, 08:34:58 pm »
0

Why did the chicken cross the road?
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liopoil

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #281 on: April 28, 2014, 08:41:57 pm »
0

Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don't know, why?
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Axxle

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #282 on: April 28, 2014, 08:53:25 pm »
0

Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don't know, why?
To get to the idiot's house!
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Axxle

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #283 on: April 28, 2014, 08:53:34 pm »
0

Knock Knock.
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Tables

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #284 on: April 28, 2014, 08:56:45 pm »
+6

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WalrusMcFishSr

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #285 on: April 28, 2014, 09:03:26 pm »
+6

Knock Knock.

I don't know, why?

In Soviet Russia, knock knocks YOU!!
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Axxle

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #286 on: April 28, 2014, 09:20:25 pm »
0

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ipofanes

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #287 on: April 29, 2014, 08:16:23 am »
0


"First, let's make sure he's dead."


I can't help wondering if you thought of that one after reading about someone being killed by a hammer.
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GendoIkari

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #288 on: April 29, 2014, 03:26:26 pm »
+7

How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A Brazilian
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eHalcyon

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #289 on: April 29, 2014, 04:52:14 pm »
+6

How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A Brazilian

I heard a longer version of this play on words many years ago.  Here's a version of it that I'm writing on the fly:


President George W. Bush receives an urgent report about a recent incident in South America.  "2 Brazilian soldiers were killed," the aide concludes.

"My God," whispers Bush.  He is visibly moved and the staffers in the room are surprised as the president hangs his head in sorrow.  After several minutes of silence, Bush looks up and asks, "how many is a Brazillian?"
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MarutiaOrtia

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #290 on: May 16, 2014, 07:04:15 am »
+17

 When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think its cute. I just think it's crazy how many people bring knives on a date.
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heron

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #291 on: June 22, 2014, 11:23:21 am »
+7

Everybody should be a socialist; it's just common cents.
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Witherweaver

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #292 on: June 27, 2014, 09:10:53 am »
+4

Not sure if this was done already and didn't feel like searching through the thread (found on some random list of jokes):

An infinite number of Mathematicians walk into a bar.  The first orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer and so on.  After the seventh order the bartender pours two beers and says, "You feels out to know your limits."


Also:

What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?

An etymologist knows the difference.
« Last Edit: June 27, 2014, 09:29:25 am by Witherweaver »
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pacovf

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #293 on: June 27, 2014, 09:56:33 am »
+1

Not sure if this was done already and didn't feel like searching through the thread (found on some random list of jokes):

An infinite number of Mathematicians walk into a bar.  The first orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer and so on.  After the seventh order the bartender pours two beers and says, "You feels out to know your limits."


Also:

What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?

An etymologist knows the difference.

Liked the second one.

The first one, of course, appeared already in this forum, in the maths random stuff thread. It's the second joke in this video:


Bah, enough of that math stuff.  Here are some jokes.  And to make them funnier some British guy interrupts to explain them.



You're welcome!

EDIT: do warn me when I start becoming obnoxious :P
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SirPeebles

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #294 on: June 27, 2014, 12:23:37 pm »
+8

What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?

An etymologist knows the difference.

Something about this joke bugs me.
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Witherweaver

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #295 on: June 27, 2014, 12:29:38 pm »
0

Not sure if this was done already and didn't feel like searching through the thread (found on some random list of jokes):

An infinite number of Mathematicians walk into a bar.  The first orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer and so on.  After the seventh order the bartender pours two beers and says, "You feels out to know your limits."


Also:

What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?

An etymologist knows the difference.

Liked the second one.

The first one, of course, appeared already in this forum, in the maths random stuff thread. It's the second joke in this video:


Bah, enough of that math stuff.  Here are some jokes.  And to make them funnier some British guy interrupts to explain them.


You're welcome!

EDIT: do warn me when I start becoming obnoxious :P

Well, I missed this when Peebles orginally posted it, so this is useful :)

The British guy explaining is great, especially when he explains the lame "seven ate nine" joke.
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Thisisnotasmile

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #296 on: June 27, 2014, 01:47:31 pm »
+1

Not sure if this was done already and didn't feel like searching through the thread (found on some random list of jokes):

An infinite number of Mathematicians walk into a bar.  The first orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer and so on.  After the seventh order the bartender pours two beers and says, "You feels out to know your limits."


Also:

What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?

An etymologist knows the difference.

Liked the second one.

The first one, of course, appeared already in this forum, in the maths random stuff thread. It's the second joke in this video:


Bah, enough of that math stuff.  Here are some jokes.  And to make them funnier some British guy interrupts to explain them.


You're welcome!

EDIT: do warn me when I start becoming obnoxious :P

Well, I missed this when Peebles orginally posted it, so this is useful :)

The British guy explaining is great, especially when he explains the lame "seven ate nine" joke.

Except the British guy is still Australian.
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Witherweaver

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #297 on: June 27, 2014, 01:52:17 pm »
0

I thought that just meant he's a British guy that's also a criminal.
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #298 on: June 27, 2014, 03:30:22 pm »
+7

(Note: This is a long joke, but you really do have to read the whole thing to appreciate it.  It won't take too long.)

There's a guy driving his car out in the boonies (I hope this is a fairly well-known expression) somewhere, and he gets a flat tire.  He can't get the car started again, so he just starts walking down the road trying to find something.  He comes up to a monastery and goes in.  He asks the monks there, "Hey, can I borrow a cell phone or something so I can call someone to come fix my car?"  They reply, "Sorry, we're monks; we don't have cell phones.  But, our wagon is going into town the next day and you can get help there.  We'll let you stay the night here."  He agrees.

In the middle of the night he gets woken up by a loud, amazing, awe-inspiring sound, and he has no idea what it is.  He tries to fall back asleep, but he keeps hearing it.  He gets up because he needs to figure out what it is.  He goes downstairs, goes through winding passageways, and he comes up to the biggest door he's ever seen, and the head monk is standing in front of it.  He can tell the the sound is coming from right behind the door.  He asks the head monk, "What's that sound?"

The head monk replies, "Sorry, I can't tell you; you're not a monk."

"Why not?  Can't you just tell me what it is?"

"Sorry, I can't tell you; you're not a monk."

"Come on, I'm not going to be able to fall asleep if I don't know what that sound is."

"Sorry, I can't tell you; you're not a monk."

The man isn't happy, but he goes back to bed.  He has trouble sleeping that night, and while getting ready to go he keeps asking the monks what the sound is, but they all reply with the same answer: "Sorry, I can't tell you; you're not a monk."

He goes back to town, gets his car fixed, and goes on with life.  But he keeps hearing that sound in his mind, and after a few months he can't stand it any more.  He finds the monastery again and goes back to the head monk.

"Hey, you remember me?  I'm that guy that was here a few months ago.  I just need to figure out what that sound is."

"Sorry, I can't tell you; you're not a monk."

"Well then, how do I become a monk?"

"Are you sure you want to become a monk?  The journey is long and hard."

"Yes.  I need to figure out what that sound is."

"Alright.  First, you need to count all of the stars in the night sky."

He spends a whole year, counting and recounting, consulting astronomers, etc.  He thinks he has the answer, and goes up to the head monk and says it.  "Very good," he replied.  "Now, you must count all of the grains of sand on the seashore."

He spends years and years, crawling on beaches all over the world, counting each individual sand grain, because he needs to figure out what this sound is.  He finally has his answer, and goes to the head monk and says it.  "Very good," he replied.  "Now, you must climb the tallest mountain and see how small you are compared to the world."

He trains himself, gets all of the necessary equipment, and makes it up.  By this point he has gotten quite a bit older and wiser.  He goes up to the head monk and the head monk says, "Finally, you are ready to become a monk."  They go through all of those twisting passageways, and up to the huge door.  The head monk opens the door, and the man finally figures out what the sound is...

...but I can't tell you; you're not a monk.
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   Quote from: sudgy on June 31, 2011, 11:47:46 pm

LastFootnote

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #299 on: June 27, 2014, 05:25:35 pm »
+2

Ah, the Long Joke That Ends In Disappointment. It's a classic! For some reason.
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