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Author Topic: A joke thread  (Read 181845 times)

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Kirian

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #225 on: November 05, 2013, 05:09:43 pm »
+2

How many fruit flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two.
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Witherweaver

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #226 on: November 05, 2013, 05:10:16 pm »
+1

How many Dominion players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    It depends on the board.

Already done?
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mail-mi

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #227 on: November 05, 2013, 05:22:37 pm »
+2

How many teenagers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One. They hold the lightbulb in the socket and the world revolves around them.
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jonts26

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #228 on: November 05, 2013, 05:26:19 pm »
+1

How many fruit flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two.

I beat you to it over a year ago.

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?            Two                       
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Archetype

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #229 on: November 05, 2013, 05:45:40 pm »
+3

What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married?

Feyoncé
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WalrusMcFishSr

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #230 on: November 05, 2013, 05:51:19 pm »
+8

How many teenage fruit flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Fruit flies have an average lifespan of 30 days and are unlikely to survive to be 13-19 years old.
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jonts26

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #231 on: November 05, 2013, 09:47:49 pm »
+3

How many teenage fruit flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Fruit flies have an average lifespan of 30 days and are unlikely to survive to be 13-19 years old.

Anti-joke thread is this way:
http://forum.dominionstrategy.com/index.php?topic=4584.msg103229#msg103229
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #232 on: November 10, 2013, 09:53:18 pm »
+7

A guy is taking his girlfriend to prom. He goes to the ticket line, waits in the ticket line for a long time, and eventually gets tickets. He wants to rent a limo. He goes to the car rental line, waits in line for a long time, and eventually gets a limo. He wants to buy her flowers. He goes to the florist line, waits in line for a long time, and eventually gets some flowers. At prom, she asks him to go get punch. He goes to the refreshment table and there's no punchline.
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ConMan

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #233 on: November 10, 2013, 10:49:39 pm »
0

A guy is taking his girlfriend to prom. He goes to the ticket line, waits in the ticket line for a long time, and eventually gets tickets. He wants to rent a limo. He goes to the car rental line, waits in line for a long time, and eventually gets a limo. He wants to buy her flowers. He goes to the florist line, waits in line for a long time, and eventually gets some flowers. At prom, she asks him to go get punch. He goes to the refreshment table and there's no punchline.
This exact same joke has just appeared on another forum I'm on (where I'm pretty sure it had been posted previously). Is there any reason it's come back into favour?
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #234 on: November 10, 2013, 10:56:36 pm »
0

A guy is taking his girlfriend to prom. He goes to the ticket line, waits in the ticket line for a long time, and eventually gets tickets. He wants to rent a limo. He goes to the car rental line, waits in line for a long time, and eventually gets a limo. He wants to buy her flowers. He goes to the florist line, waits in line for a long time, and eventually gets some flowers. At prom, she asks him to go get punch. He goes to the refreshment table and there's no punchline.
This exact same joke has just appeared on another forum I'm on (where I'm pretty sure it had been posted previously). Is there any reason it's come back into favour?
I saw it somewhere else and thought it was the funniest thing ever so I posted it here.
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greatexpectations

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #235 on: November 11, 2013, 12:24:43 am »
+3

probably not the first, but dinosaur comics did the joke back in 2006:

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momomoto: ...I looked at the tableau and went "Mountebank? That's for jerks."
rrenaud: Jerks win.

Kirian

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #236 on: November 11, 2013, 12:13:04 pm »
+3

So this guy, Rob, has always been a bit... weird.  He lives way out in the sticks, has a huge wooded lot, a bit suspicious if he didn't also have a pretty high-powered job at a bank.  Odd habits, strange tics, and for some reason he keeps a brick in a fishbowl on his mantle.  It's a strange decoration, but he's always told his friends, "Guys, don't ask about the brick in the fishbowl.  Just... don't."  And they never have, even his best friend, Karl, a psychiatrist.

After a couple years of dating a girl named Julia, she and Rob get married.  Karl is the best man.  He carries her over the threshold of the house, all the standard stuff.  A couple weeks later, figuring that, hey, it's her house too now, she has to know.  When he walks into the room next, she asks, "Rob... why do you keep a brick in that fishbowl?"

And Rob snaps.  Like, 'Hulk smash!' type snaps.  He grabs a poker from the fireplace, catches her right in the neck with it, snaps her neck... she's dead.  No blood or anything.  That night, he drags her out into the woods, dismembers her, digs a ton of holes and scatters the pieces all about the woods.

The next day, he calls the cops.  Julia's missing, obviously.  No sign of a struggle, just disappeared.  Of course the cops search the woods, but Rob's been pretty meticulous; they find nothing.  The case goes cold.  Rob mourns with his friends, helps in searches for a year or so, then starts to move on with his life.  He falls in love again--another Julia, oddly.  A few years later, he marries this Julia.

After a couple of months in his house, she's cleaning up, and takes the brick out of the fishbowl to clean it.  It's really dusty; as far as she can tell it's never been disturbed.  Rob walks into the room.  "You need to put that back in the fishbowl."

Julia turns to him and asks, "Why do you keep this brick in the fishbowl anyway?"

Rob snaps again.  This Julia ends up in small pieces scattered out in the woods.  But the cops, and even Rob's friends, are rightly suspicious.  Two missing wives?  The police take him in for questioning.  During the interrogation, one of the detectives asks the obvious question, and Rob snaps again.  Thankfully for the cops, they're cops, and with no weapons in sight, they're able to tackle Rob and cuff him.  And Rob has a heart attack from the physical strain of straining against the cuffs.  He collapses; they rush him to the hospital.

Meanwhile, the cops take a much better look at the woods than they did before.  They find pieces of the second Julia, and a few bones of the first.  Assaulting an officer, two possible murders; things don't look so great for Rob.  Of course, things don't look so great for him health-wise either.

The next day, Karl, after clearance by the police, goes to talk to Rob, who is handcuffed to the hospital bed, despite being in ICU.  And Rob confesses--to everything, both murders, tells all the details.  Except, of course, the obvious one.

Karl says, "Listen, Rob.  This fishbowl thing.  I mean, I understand now why you didn't want us asking.  I guess maybe it was better that way?  But man, we need to get you some help, even if that help only ends up reaching you in prison.  I'm your best friend, man, I've known you since you were eighteen.  Why, Rob?  Why do you keep that brick in the fishbowl?"

Rob starts to snap, but he's completely restrained, and his body isn't ready for that sort of strain again.  He calms down a bit, then gives Karl a sad look.  "All right.  I suppose... I suppose it can't hurt to tell now."  He sighs, then says nothing; his heart gives out, he codes; the doctors are unable to resuscitate him.  And that's the end of the story.

I learned this one at Scout camp a long time ago. The person telling it has apparently entered it in a "worst joke" competition, and strung the audience along for twenty minutes.  He won, unsurprisingly.

I considered posting this in the anti-joke thread, but I thought that would kind give it away.
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jotheonah

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #237 on: January 24, 2014, 07:02:46 pm »
0

Guys I just made up a new joke.

When is a timeline the same thing as a Venn diagram?

Vhen you're Count Dracula!

Because [dracula voice]a timeline is a diagram zaht shows you vhen things happen[/dracula voice]

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SirPeebles

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #238 on: January 24, 2014, 07:06:47 pm »
0

Guys I just made up a new joke.

When is a timeline the same thing as a Venn diagram?

Vhen you're Count Dracula!

Because [dracula voice]a timeline is a diagram zaht shows you vhen things happen[/dracula voice]

I was about to welcome you back to the forums, then I checked your post history and saw that you've posted over 100 times in the forum games since the start of the year...
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jonts26

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #239 on: January 24, 2014, 07:09:27 pm »
+1

Guys I just made up a new joke.

When is a timeline the same thing as a Venn diagram?

Vhen you're Count Dracula!

Because [dracula voice]a timeline is a diagram zaht shows you vhen things happen[/dracula voice]

We should probably have a separate thread for dad jokes.
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jotheonah

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #240 on: January 24, 2014, 07:11:45 pm »
0

Guys I just made up a new joke.

When is a timeline the same thing as a Venn diagram?

Vhen you're Count Dracula!

Because [dracula voice]a timeline is a diagram zaht shows you vhen things happen[/dracula voice]

I was about to welcome you back to the forums, then I checked your post history and saw that you've posted over 100 times in the forum games since the start of the year...

You can welcome me back to the forum proper. I'm finally leaving my hole.
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jotheonah

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #241 on: January 24, 2014, 07:12:05 pm »
+1

Also, I am not a Dad, but when I am I will be so good at the joke part.
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jotheonah

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #242 on: January 24, 2014, 09:26:05 pm »
+3

Here's an atonement:

What's Gatsby's favorite superhero?

the green lantern

What's Gatsby's least favorite superhero?

deadpool
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eHalcyon

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #243 on: January 26, 2014, 01:59:05 am »
+6


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Tables

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #244 on: January 26, 2014, 04:59:23 pm »
+1

I don't understand this thread.

Could someone explain it to me?
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...spin-offs are still better for all of the previously cited reasons.
But not strictly better, because the spinoff can have a different cost than the expansion.

jonts26

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #245 on: January 26, 2014, 05:07:01 pm »
0

« Last Edit: January 26, 2014, 05:08:16 pm by jonts26 »
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SirPeebles

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #246 on: January 26, 2014, 05:17:12 pm »
+2




Those diagrams are in the linear algebra text I taught out of last semester.  David C. Lay's book.
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #247 on: January 26, 2014, 05:23:33 pm »
0

I don't understand this thread.

Could someone explain it to me?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shear_stress

or possibly: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shear_mapping

Bolded for influence. I'm a mathematician, I better get the Shear joke...
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...spin-offs are still better for all of the previously cited reasons.
But not strictly better, because the spinoff can have a different cost than the expansion.

SirPeebles

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #248 on: January 26, 2014, 05:52:22 pm »
+2

I don't understand this thread.

Could someone explain it to me?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shear_stress

or possibly: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shear_mapping

Bolded for influence. I'm a mathematician, I better get the Shear joke...

After shearing, apply a rotation to spin wool into thread.
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Witherweaver

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #249 on: January 26, 2014, 07:27:55 pm »
0




Those diagrams are in the linear algebra text I taught out of last semester.  David C. Lay's book.

Hahaha, that is awesome.
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