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Author Topic: A joke thread  (Read 181837 times)

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Drab Emordnilap

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #150 on: October 24, 2012, 09:41:33 am »
+4

must of

*twitch*

eHalcyon, may I axe you what's wrong?

I think he has seen a problem on there post
Oh, come on. Your just doing that for spite now. Its not funny any more.
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Galzria

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #151 on: October 24, 2012, 09:46:31 am »
+3

must of

*twitch*

eHalcyon, may I axe you what's wrong?

I think he has seen a problem on there post
Oh, come on. Your just doing that for spite now. Its not funny any more.

Yeah, but to get that many responses it must of been funny the first time. It's either that, witch is possible, oar their all crazy. Weather you prefer the first or second is up to yew.
« Last Edit: October 24, 2012, 09:49:03 am by Galzria »
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Derphammering is when quickhammers go derp.

Faust has also been incredibly stubborn this game. In other news, it's hot in the summer, and water falls from the sky when it rains.


Mafia Record:
TOWN Wins: M3, M5, M6, M11, M17, M28, M32, M105, M108, M114, M118, M120, M122, DM1, DoM1, OZ2, RM45, RM47, RM48, RM49, RM55
TOWN Losses: M4, M7, M8, M9, M13, M14, M18, M31, M110, M111, M113, M117, M125, RM3, RM4, RM54
SCUM Wins: M2, M19, M23, M100, DM3, RM1, RM2, RM48, RM50
SCUM Losses: M15 (SK), M102 (Tr), OZ1, RM55

Total Wins: 30
Total Losses: 20

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #152 on: October 24, 2012, 10:17:47 am »
0

must of

*twitch*

eHalcyon, may I axe you what's wrong?

I think he has seen a problem on there post
Oh, come on. Your just doing that for spite now. Its not funny any more.

Yeah, but to get that many responses it must of been funny the first time. It's either that, witch is possible, oar their all crazy. Weather you prefer the first or second is up to yew.

lawl
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Drab Emordnilap

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #153 on: October 24, 2012, 10:27:30 am »
0

must of

*twitch*

eHalcyon, may I axe you what's wrong?

I think he has seen a problem on there post
Oh, come on. Your just doing that for spite now. Its not funny any more.

Yeah, but to get that many responses it must of been funny the first time. It's either that, witch is possible, oar their all crazy. Weather you prefer the first or second is up to yew.

lawl
64 20 77 61 79 73 2c 20 61 6e 64 20 74 68 61 74 e2 80 99 73 20 6a 75 73 74 20 77 69 74 68 20 6d 79 20 62 61 72 65 20 68 61 6e 64 73 2e 20 4e 6f 74 20 6f 6e 6c 79 20 61 6d 20 49 20 65 78 74 65 6e 73 69 76 65 6c 79 20 74 72 61 69 6e 65 64 20 69 6e 20 75 6e 61 72 6d 65 64 20 63 6f 6d 62 61 74 2c 20 62 75 74 20 49 20 68 61 76 65 20 61 63 63 65 73 73 20 74 6f 20 74 68 65 20 65 6e 74 69 72 65 20 61 72 73 65 6e 61 6c 20 6f 66 20 74 68 65 20 55 6e 69 74 65 64 20 53 74 61 74 65 73 20 4d 61 72 69 6e 65 20 43 6f 72 70 73 20 61 6e 64 20 49 20 77 69 6c 6c 20 75 73 65 20 69 74 20 74 6f 20 69 74 73 20 66 75 6c 6c 20 65 78 74 65 6e 74 20 74 6f 20 77 69 70 65 20 79 6f 75 72 20 6d 69 73 65 72 61 62 6c 65 20 61 73 73 20 6f 66 66 20 74 68 65 20 66 61 63 65 20 6f 66 20 74 68 65 20 63 6f 6e 74 69 6e 65 6e 74 2c 20 79 6f 75 20 6c 69 74 74 6c 65 20 73 68 69 74 2e 20 49 66 20 6f 6e 6c 79 20 79 6f 75 20 63 6f 75 6c 64 20 68 61 76 65 20 6b 6e 6f 77 6e 20 77 68 61 74 20 75 6e 68 6f 6c 79 20 72 65 74 72 69 62 75 74 69 6f 6e 20 79 6f 75 72 20 6c 69 74 74 6c 65 20 e2 80 9c 63 6c 65 76 65 72 e2 80 9d 20 63 6f 6d 6d 65 6e 74 20 77 61 73 20 61 62 6f 75 74 20 74 6f 20 62 72 69 6e 67 20 64 6f 77 6e 20 75 70 6f 6e 20 79 6f 75 2c 20 6d 61 79 62 65 20 79 6f 75 20 77 6f 75 6c 64 20 68 61 76 65 20 68 65 6c 64 20 79 6f 75 72 20 66 75 63 6b 69 6e 67 20 74 6f 6e 67 75 65 2e 20 42 75 74 20 79 6f 75 20 63 6f 75 6c 64 6e e2 80 99 74 2c 20 79 6f 75 20 64 69 64 6e e2 80 99 74 2c 20 61 6e 64 20 6e 6f 77 20 79 6f 75 e2 80 99 72 65 20 70 61 79 69 6e 67 20 74 68 65 20 70 72 69 63 65 2c 20 79 6f 75 20 67 6f 64 64 61 6d 6e 20 69 64 69 6f 74 2e 20 49 20 77 69 6c 6c 20 73 68 69 74 20 66 75 72 79 20 61 6c 6c 20 6f 76 65 72 20 79 6f 75 20 61 6e 64 20 79 6f 75 20 77 69 6c 6c 20 64 72 6f 77 6e 20 69 6e 20 69 74 2e 20 59 6f 75 e2 80 99 72 65 20 66 75 63 6b 69 6e 67 20 64 65 61 64 2c 20 6b 69 64 64 6f 2e
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #154 on: October 24, 2012, 10:46:30 am »
+1

must of

*twitch*

eHalcyon, may I axe you what's wrong?

I think he has seen a problem on there post
Oh, come on. Your just doing that for spite now. Its not funny any more.

Yeah, but to get that many responses it must of been funny the first time. It's either that, witch is possible, oar their all crazy. Weather you prefer the first or second is up to yew.

lawl
64 20 77 61 79 73 2c 20 61 6e 64 20 74 68 61 74 e2 80 99 73 20 6a 75 73 74 20 77 69 74 68 20 6d 79 20 62 61 72 65 20 68 61 6e 64 73 2e 20 4e 6f 74 20 6f 6e 6c 79 20 61 6d 20 49 20 65 78 74 65 6e 73 69 76 65 6c 79 20 74 72 61 69 6e 65 64 20 69 6e 20 75 6e 61 72 6d 65 64 20 63 6f 6d 62 61 74 2c 20 62 75 74 20 49 20 68 61 76 65 20 61 63 63 65 73 73 20 74 6f 20 74 68 65 20 65 6e 74 69 72 65 20 61 72 73 65 6e 61 6c 20 6f 66 20 74 68 65 20 55 6e 69 74 65 64 20 53 74 61 74 65 73 20 4d 61 72 69 6e 65 20 43 6f 72 70 73 20 61 6e 64 20 49 20 77 69 6c 6c 20 75 73 65 20 69 74 20 74 6f 20 69 74 73 20 66 75 6c 6c 20 65 78 74 65 6e 74 20 74 6f 20 77 69 70 65 20 79 6f 75 72 20 6d 69 73 65 72 61 62 6c 65 20 61 73 73 20 6f 66 66 20 74 68 65 20 66 61 63 65 20 6f 66 20 74 68 65 20 63 6f 6e 74 69 6e 65 6e 74 2c 20 79 6f 75 20 6c 69 74 74 6c 65 20 73 68 69 74 2e 20 49 66 20 6f 6e 6c 79 20 79 6f 75 20 63 6f 75 6c 64 20 68 61 76 65 20 6b 6e 6f 77 6e 20 77 68 61 74 20 75 6e 68 6f 6c 79 20 72 65 74 72 69 62 75 74 69 6f 6e 20 79 6f 75 72 20 6c 69 74 74 6c 65 20 e2 80 9c 63 6c 65 76 65 72 e2 80 9d 20 63 6f 6d 6d 65 6e 74 20 77 61 73 20 61 62 6f 75 74 20 74 6f 20 62 72 69 6e 67 20 64 6f 77 6e 20 75 70 6f 6e 20 79 6f 75 2c 20 6d 61 79 62 65 20 79 6f 75 20 77 6f 75 6c 64 20 68 61 76 65 20 68 65 6c 64 20 79 6f 75 72 20 66 75 63 6b 69 6e 67 20 74 6f 6e 67 75 65 2e 20 42 75 74 20 79 6f 75 20 63 6f 75 6c 64 6e e2 80 99 74 2c 20 79 6f 75 20 64 69 64 6e e2 80 99 74 2c 20 61 6e 64 20 6e 6f 77 20 79 6f 75 e2 80 99 72 65 20 70 61 79 69 6e 67 20 74 68 65 20 70 72 69 63 65 2c 20 79 6f 75 20 67 6f 64 64 61 6d 6e 20 69 64 69 6f 74 2e 20 49 20 77 69 6c 6c 20 73 68 69 74 20 66 75 72 79 20 61 6c 6c 20 6f 76 65 72 20 79 6f 75 20 61 6e 64 20 79 6f 75 20 77 69 6c 6c 20 64 72 6f 77 6e 20 69 6e 20 69 74 2e 20 59 6f 75 e2 80 99 72 65 20 66 75 63 6b 69 6e 67 20 64 65 61 64 2c 20 6b 69 64 64 6f 2e

Hey, Im not a kiddo!  I don't care if you are a badass.
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Kuildeous

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #155 on: October 24, 2012, 03:36:03 pm »
+10

In honor of eHalcyon, I present this old joke. It really works better when spoken aloud, but you should get the gist.


Bob and Frank were walking down a beach when they saw a stunningly beautiful woman eyeing them. Seductively, she removes her t-shirt, revealing a tantalizing bikini top.

Frank elbows Bob and says, "Hey, Bob. That girl is checking you out, and she's showing off that great rack. You should take off your shirt and show her your chest.

Bob agrees and removes his shirt in kind. The woman flutters her eyelashes at Bob in approval and then pulls down her shorts, leaving her in nothing but a bikini.

Frank's eyes pop out of his head, and he says, "Man, that is a sweet ass. Bob, you should flex for her. Show her your muscles."

So Bob flexes and shows the woman what 2 hours a day in a gym looks like.

By this point, the woman is definitely interested in Bob, and she demonstrates this by undoing her bikini top and presenting her bare breasts to the two men.

Frank incredulously stammers, "Holy shit, Bob. Those are gorgeous. You've got to show her your nuts!"

So Bob goes on a rampage and shoots up a shopping mall.
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theory

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #156 on: October 24, 2012, 03:59:38 pm »
+12

Along a similar vein of "jokes better told in person"...

Two whales walk into a bar. The first turns to the bartender and says, "WHOOOOOOOEEEE EEeEeeeeeeeeeoooooooo wwobwoobwoob! WwoooooooEEEEEEEEEEEEee eee woobwoobwoobwoob! Oooooooeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ooooooooo! Weeee weeeee wooooo ooob ooobooobooob!"

The second whale sighs and says, "Shut up Frank, you're drunk."
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Ozle

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #157 on: October 24, 2012, 05:41:43 pm »
+2

and a similar one

Man walks into a bar...and asks for a beer.

 As the barman is pouring it the bloke hears a voice. "Nice suit mate. Bet you pull tonight."

 He asks the barman if he'd said anything. The barman says no. Again he hears a voice.

 "The aftershave is nifty as well. You won't fail tonight."

 The barman again denies he's said anything and gives the guy his beer.

 Somewhat shattered, the guy decides he's going to have start smoking again. He walks up to the fag machine.

 "Fuck off you cock. Don't you realise smoking will kill you? What a f*cking loser you are. Piss off and leave me alone," the machine says.

 Now the guy is well worried and says to the barman. "Look I'll know you'll think I'm mad but ever since I've come in here, I've been hearing voices. One was saying nice things about the suit and then the cigarette machine started abusing me."

 "I do apologise sir," says the barman. "The peanuts are complementary and the cigarette machine is out of order...."
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SwitchedFromStarcraft

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #158 on: October 24, 2012, 05:48:42 pm »
0

complementary

*twitch*

(Sorry, couldn't give a second upvote to the original occurrence.)
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Archetype

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #159 on: October 24, 2012, 06:28:13 pm »
+1

With the number of piles he must of emptied, I wouldnt be suprised if that man was a Woodcutter.
Woodcutter helps empty piles?
It has ever since it has had a +Buy.
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theory

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #160 on: October 24, 2012, 06:31:57 pm »
+7

Given that Apple's last two hardware technologies are named Thunderbolt and Lightning, I expect the next one to be named Very Very Frightening.

Did you hear that Al Gore is trying his hand at music?  His band is called Algorithms.
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Captain_Frisk

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #161 on: October 24, 2012, 06:32:16 pm »
+6


 "Fuck off you cock. Don't you realise smoking will kill you? What a f*cking loser you are. Piss off and leave me alone," the machine says.

Is anyone else amused by the inconsistent censorship here?
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Ozle

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #162 on: October 24, 2012, 06:32:59 pm »
0


 "Fuck off you cock. Don't you realise smoking will kill you? What a f*cking loser you are. Piss off and leave me alone," the machine says.

Is anyone else amused by the inconsistent censorship here?

Boredom + copy/Paste + ipad
« Last Edit: October 24, 2012, 06:37:43 pm by Ozle »
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theory

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #163 on: October 24, 2012, 06:36:23 pm »
+7

A pair of PG-13/R-rated jokes:

A woman is in a coma with apparently little hope of recovery.  But a nurse, while sponge-bathing her, noticed a bit of brain activity when they washed between her legs.  They tried it again, and sure enough, there was definitely some activity, but not enough to wake her.

So the doctor went to her husband and told him, "Look, maybe this won't work, but based on some of the things we did, we think, maybe, some oral sex could help bring your wife out of her coma."  The husband was skeptical, but let himself be convinced.  What was there to lose?

The nurses took him to his wife’s room and explained that they would leave them alone so they could have more privacy, but would be checking her vitals in the other room for any reaction.

After a few minutes the monitor’s alarm goes off and she flatlines – no pulse, no heartbeat, nothing!

The nurses panic and run into the room.  "What happened?!"

The husband replies, "I don't know!  I think she choked ..."

===

A married couple of 20 years were as normal as could be, bar one little quirk the husband had in the bedroom.

He'd only have sex with the lights off.

The wife assumed he merely had some shame in the penile department, but she loved him, so happily obliged. An added bonus was that it felt like he was actually reasonably well-equipped downstairs, so everything was good.

However, 20 years of blind sex took its toll on her and their relationship. In the middle of one of their love-making sessions, the wife dived for the lamp and turned on the light.

She saw her husband with his pants on and a dildo in hand.

There was a brief moment of silence, then the wife sternly stated, "You have some explaining to do."

The husband looked her dead in the eye and said, "I'll explain this when you explain the kids".
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jotheonah

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #164 on: October 24, 2012, 06:39:13 pm »
+3

Given that Apple's last two hardware technologies are named Thunderbolt and Lightning, I expect the next one to be named Very Very Frightening.

When I first sent my older brother a gmail invitation, he looked at me with a perfectly straight face and said "gmail? I completely missed fmail!"
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theory

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #165 on: October 24, 2012, 06:39:51 pm »
+6

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blond replies....."Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

===

Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he as feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.  And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sat up and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

He looked around the room and saw that it was in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So was the rest of the house. He took the aspirins, and cringed when he saw a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.

Then he noticed a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!"

He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son was also at the table, eating.

Jack asked, "Son, what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??

His son replied, "Oh THAT! Mum dragged you to the bathroom to clean you up, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!"
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #166 on: October 24, 2012, 06:42:15 pm »
0

.
« Last Edit: July 19, 2013, 10:11:40 am by () | (_) ^/ »
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theory

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #167 on: December 20, 2012, 07:52:06 pm »
+1

I can't believe I only discovered http://liblr.com/popular today
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Axxle

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #168 on: December 20, 2012, 08:23:09 pm »
0

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #169 on: December 20, 2012, 08:42:37 pm »
+2

FEEDMEMORE
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SwitchedFromStarcraft

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #170 on: December 20, 2012, 08:53:37 pm »
+1

I can't believe I only discovered http://liblr.com/popular today
I am so freakin' old.
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #171 on: December 20, 2012, 09:32:18 pm »
0

I can't believe I only discovered http://liblr.com/popular today

I don't get it.
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SwitchedFromStarcraft

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #172 on: December 20, 2012, 09:34:09 pm »
+1

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There is a sucker born every minute.

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #173 on: December 20, 2012, 09:35:53 pm »
0

.
« Last Edit: July 19, 2013, 12:27:04 pm by () | (_) ^/ »
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SwitchedFromStarcraft

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #174 on: December 20, 2012, 09:44:09 pm »
+1

I can't believe I only discovered http://liblr.com/popular today

I don't get it.
Precisely my point.

Fair enough.  Have an old curmudgeon +1.  It's on me.  ;D
Why thank you so much.  Have a dram of Tomatin 25. It's on me.

Uh, can you scoot that glass a little closer?
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