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Author Topic: A joke thread  (Read 67843 times)

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Axxle

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #25 on: September 09, 2012, 09:51:40 pm »
+11

Scout.
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gman314

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #26 on: September 09, 2012, 10:14:00 pm »
+1

So Werner Heisenberg is driving down the road when he gets pulled over for speeding. The officer asks him if he knows how fast he was going. Heisenberg responds with, 'No, but I know where I am.'

I've heard the same joke with a bit of an extension:

So Werner Heisenberg and Erwin Schrodinger are driving down the road when they get pulled over for speeding. The officer asks if they knows how fast they were going. Heisenberg responds with, "No, but I know where I am."
Considering this unusual response to be grounds for a search, the officer proceeds to ask them to open the trunk. Upon examination he says "did you know there's a dead cat in here?" Quite put out, Schrodinger sayds "Well, I do now!"
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RichardNixon

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #27 on: September 09, 2012, 10:59:37 pm »
+5

Who is the opposite of Christopher Reeve?

Christopher Walken.
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Davio

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #28 on: September 10, 2012, 03:25:01 am »
+1

I'm very bad at remembering jokes, in fact, this is the only one I remember.

A man goes to see a doctor and tells him: "Doc, every time I talk to a woman, she turns around and flees in disgust."
The doctor sniffs the man's breath, "You have bad breath", he says.
- "Why could that be, I brush my teeth three times a day!"

The doc looks at the man, sees his hands and says: "Either stop biting your nails or scratching your ass"
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Titandrake

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #29 on: September 10, 2012, 03:53:42 am »
+2

This is the only joke I know that has some level of humor.

A boy asks his dad, "Dad, is God male or female?"
The dad thinks about this. "Son, God is whatever people want to believe in. So you could say that because some see God as male, and others see God as female, then God is both."

The boy takes this in. Then, he says, "Dad, is God white or black?"
The dad thinks about this, but for shorter than before. "Well, it's the same as before. Some see God as white, some see God as black. So God is both."

The boy pauses, then asks, "Dad, is God Michael Jackson?"
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jonts26

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #30 on: September 11, 2012, 02:24:39 am »
+3

What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?         Dr. Dre             
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Kuildeous

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #31 on: September 11, 2012, 10:13:42 am »
+4

A man just joined a monastery. The abbot told the man, "Our order has very strict vows of silence. On each anniversary of your joining this order, you can speak two words."

One year goes by with the man saying nothing. Finally, his first anniversary arrived, and the man approached the abbot and said, "Room drafty."

After another year, the man approached the monk and said, "Food cold."

After the third year, the man told the abbot, "Bed hard."

After the fourth year, the man said, "Roof leaks."

On the man's fifth anniversary, he walked up to the abbot and simply stated, "I quit."

The abbot nodded and replied, "I'm not surprised. You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
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cayvie

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #32 on: September 11, 2012, 07:19:15 pm »
+3

A man just joined a monastery. The abbot told the man, "Our order has very strict vows of silence. On each anniversary of your joining this order, you can speak two words."

One year goes by with the man saying nothing. Finally, his first anniversary arrived, and the man approached the abbot and said, "Room drafty."

After another year, the man approached the monk and said, "Food cold."

After the third year, the man told the abbot, "Bed hard."

After the fourth year, the man said, "Roof leaks."

On the man's fifth anniversary, he walked up to the abbot and simply stated, "I quit."

The abbot nodded and replied, "I'm not surprised. You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

what, does the abbot not have to abide by these rules?

lame

i'd quit too
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #33 on: September 12, 2012, 08:37:41 am »
0

.
« Last Edit: July 19, 2013, 09:58:48 am by () | (_) ^/ »
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jotheonah

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #34 on: September 12, 2012, 10:59:07 am »
+7

So three strings walk into a bar in Texas. Now there's a law in Texas that says strings can't drink, so this is a pretty rebellious thing. But the String #3 says to the others "C'mon, let's have some fun!"

So String #1 walks up to the bar. "Bartender," he says, "I'd like a beer."

"No can do," says the bartender. "You're a string. You want a soda or something?"

The string walks back to the table dejected.

String #2 steps up, but he's a little more crafty. He goes over to the coat rack, throws on a hat and a coat, and walks up to the bar, changing his voice to try to sound more like a person.

"Bartender," he says, "I'd like a beer."

"Sure thing, bud, comin right ... wait a minute! You're a string! Get outta here!"

Well the third string just laughs. He says "Guys, lemme show you how it's done." So he ties himself in a knot and teases out each end of himself. Then he walks up to the bar and confidently order a beer.

"You know I can't do that," says the bartender. "You're a string."

The string looks him squarely in the eyes and says "No sir, I'm a frayed knot."
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dnkywin

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #35 on: September 12, 2012, 11:51:06 pm »
0

I'd tell another chemistry joke here, but all the good ones argon.  Oh wait:

What's a pirate's favorite amino acid?  Arrrrginine!

More pirate jokes:
What's a pirate's favorite element?       Gold
What's a pirate's favorite crime?       Piracy
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eHalcyon

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #36 on: September 13, 2012, 12:25:33 am »
0

I'd tell another chemistry joke here, but all the good ones argon.  Oh wait:

What's a pirate's favorite amino acid?  Arrrrginine!

More pirate jokes:
What's a pirate's favorite element?       Gold
What's a pirate's favorite crime?       Piracy

I believe you are looking for the anti-joke thread. :P
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GendoIkari

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #37 on: September 13, 2012, 12:39:26 am »
0

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?            Two                       

Don't get it... :-[
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jonts26

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #38 on: September 13, 2012, 12:40:27 am »
+1

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?            Two                       

Don't get it... :-[

Sometimes words can mean more than one thing. Also flies are small.
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Galzria

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #39 on: September 13, 2012, 12:41:54 am »
+1

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?            Two                       

Don't get it... :-[

Sometimes words can mean more than one thing. Also flies are small.

*Ahem* :P
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TOWN Wins: ZM11, ZM13
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SCUM Wins: ZM1
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GendoIkari

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #40 on: September 13, 2012, 12:46:44 am »
+1

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?            Two                       

Don't get it... :-[

Sometimes words can mean more than one thing. Also flies are small.

Man I'm slow! Lol.
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kn1tt3r

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #41 on: September 13, 2012, 02:41:16 am »
+4

"Docter, I can't feel my legs anymore!"
"Well, no suprise, we've just amputated your arms."
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jotheonah

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #42 on: September 13, 2012, 09:46:14 am »
0

Two penguins were driving through the desert on a hot day and their car broke down. Luckily they weren't too far from a small, dusty town. They pushed their car into town and left it at a mechanic's shop. He suggested they get some refreshment to cool down at the local diner, and he'd come get them when he fixed the car.

The two penguins order vanilla milkshakes, but one of them is so hot and thirsty he drinks it without the straw, getting it all over his beak.

About an hour later, the mechanic walks in and says "It looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin quickly replies "No, it's just a milkshake!
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Kirian

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #43 on: September 13, 2012, 09:49:43 am »
+3

I'd tell another chemistry joke here, but all the good ones argon.  Oh wait:

What's a pirate's favorite amino acid?  Arrrrginine!

OK, I lied, they aren't all gone:

A mosquito cried out in vain:
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
The cause of his sorrow
was para-dichloro
diphenyltricholorethane.
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SwitchedFromStarcraft

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #44 on: September 13, 2012, 12:00:29 pm »
+1

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?            Two                       

Don't get it... :-[

Sometimes words can mean more than one thing. Also flies are small.

Man I'm slow! Lol.
I didn't get it either.
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DStu

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #45 on: September 13, 2012, 12:06:50 pm »
+1

How many flies does it take (to screw in) (a lightbulb)?
->
How many flies does it take (to screw) (in a lightbulb)?
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Watno

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #46 on: September 13, 2012, 12:36:17 pm »
+2

One of my favorites also with pirates, sadly it only works in German, but I'll post it anyway:
Warum können Seeräuber keinen Kreis zeichnen? Weil sie Pi raten
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DStu

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #47 on: September 13, 2012, 12:40:57 pm »
+1

You can probably get something with 'pi' and 'rate', too....
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Young Nick

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #48 on: September 13, 2012, 02:22:31 pm »
+8

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Jorbles

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #49 on: September 13, 2012, 02:56:06 pm »
+7

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gets him one, and the neutron says, "What do I owe you?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

How can you tell if someone is vegan? Don't worry they'll tell you.

How many pessimists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? What's the point? It'll just burn out again.

How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? That's not funny.

What's brown and sticky? A stick.

Why did the two melons have a big wedding? Because they cantaloupe.
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