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Kuildeous

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A joke thread
« on: September 07, 2012, 10:16:28 am »
+3

Seems like something that would do us all a bit of good would be to have a joke thread—a little something to pass the day, especially for those who access the forum during work hours.

I'll start with one of my favorite terrible jokes.


What goes clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, bang-bang, clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop?

An Amish drive-by shooting
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theory

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #1 on: September 07, 2012, 10:29:13 am »
+7

What's the difference between a chemist and a normal person?

A normal person washes his hands after going to the bathroom.  A chemist washes his hands before going to the bathroom. 
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #2 on: September 07, 2012, 12:03:36 pm »
+9

So Werner Heisenberg is driving down the road when he gets pulled over for speeding. The officer asks him if he knows how fast he was going. Heisenberg responds with, 'No, but I know where I am.'
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #3 on: September 07, 2012, 12:12:32 pm »
+14

So a neutrino walks into a bar and the bartender says, 'we don't serve your kind here' and the neutrino says, 'that's alright, I'm just passing through.'

A superconductor walks into a bar and the bartender says, 'we don't serve your kind here' and the superconductor leaves without any resistance.

Two bacteria walk into a bar and the bartender says, 'we don't serve your kind here' and the bacteria reply, 'but were staph!'

A virus walks into a bar and the bartender says, 'we don't serve your kind here' and the the virus shoots the bartender, gets behind the counter and says, 'now we do.'

The bartender says, 'we don't serve your kind here.' A tachyon walks into a bar.
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werothegreat

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #4 on: September 07, 2012, 12:19:53 pm »
+4

How do you get two piccolo players in tune?  Shoot one.

Why is an accordion better than a concertina?  It burns longer.

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #5 on: September 07, 2012, 01:05:42 pm »
+3

What's the difference between a chemist and a normal person?

A normal person washes his hands after going to the bathroom.  A chemist washes his hands before going to the bathroom. 

That's not a joke, though.  That actually happens all the time.
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Kuildeous

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #6 on: September 07, 2012, 01:32:06 pm »
+7

René Descartes walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "Would you like a drink?"

Descartes responds with, "I think not," and then vanished.
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SwitchedFromStarcraft

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #7 on: September 07, 2012, 02:04:20 pm »
+2

I put instant coffee in a microwave today and almost went back in time.
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #8 on: September 07, 2012, 02:06:48 pm »
+3

A drag queen strolls into a church by mistake to find a priest swinging an incense pot.  The drag queen says: "Honey, I just love your dress, but don't you know your handbag is on fire?"
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #9 on: September 07, 2012, 02:08:31 pm »
+1

What's the difference between a chemist and a normal person?

A normal person washes his hands after going to the bathroom.  A chemist washes his hands before going to the bathroom.
I've been a chemist for 35 years and have only heard this one other time. It is both funny and very true.

Do you have any good lawyer jokes?
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #10 on: September 07, 2012, 02:11:32 pm »
+8

What's the difference between a chemist and a normal person?

A normal person washes his hands after going to the bathroom.  A chemist washes his hands before going to the bathroom.
I've been a chemist for 35 years and have only heard this one other time. It is both funny and very true.

Do you have any good lawyer jokes?

A doctor, an engineer and a lawyer all end up at a conference together, and in the hotel room, they decide to have a good laugh and look through the Gideon Bible.

The doctor says: "Well, surgery must be the oldest profession - says right here in Genesis that God made Eve from Adam's rib."

The engineer says: "Pish tosh.  Read before that - it says that God created the heavens and the earth out of chaos.  Engineering is the oldest profession."

The lawyer says: "Ah, but who created the chaos?"
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #11 on: September 07, 2012, 02:15:07 pm »
+4

lol, it's funny because the engineer says "pish tosh"
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #12 on: September 07, 2012, 02:23:21 pm »
+3

I think it's funny because the lawyer said "Ah'.

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #13 on: September 07, 2012, 02:37:04 pm »
+4

What's the difference between a chemist and a normal person?

A normal person washes his hands after going to the bathroom.  A chemist washes his hands before going to the bathroom.
I've been a chemist for 35 years and have only heard this one other time. It is both funny and very true.

Really?  Wow, it seems like this is so old... I've heard it (and told it) so many times!

Do you have any good lawyer jokes?

No, but I have some bad lawyer jokes!

What do you call a hundred lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?

Not enough sand.

----

I'd tell another chemistry joke here, but all the good ones argon.  Oh wait:

What's a pirate's favorite amino acid?  Arrrrginine!
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #14 on: September 07, 2012, 02:42:51 pm »
+1

Similarly:

What do you call a busload of lawyers going off a cliff?  A good start.

What's worse than a busload of lawyers going of a cliff?  Having it happen with a seat empty.

Disclaimer:  My GF is a lawyer, and I very much respect most lawyers.  My previous question to Theory was because I'm curious about which (if any) lawyer jokes are funny to lawyers.
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #15 on: September 07, 2012, 02:47:56 pm »
+3

As for chemistry jokes, here is one of my own, which I managed to get published in a letter to an industry mag while still in school a million years ago:

If C5H12 is pentane, and C6H14 is heptane, then what is CnH2n+2The answer is obviously inane and deserves no further consideration.

Edited to remove name of magazine.  In this day and age, you can't be too careful on the internet.
« Last Edit: September 07, 2012, 02:50:37 pm by SwitchedFromStarcraft »
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #16 on: September 07, 2012, 02:55:55 pm »
+6

Now for something completely different:

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?  Two - one to hold the giraffe, the other to put the clocks in the bathtub.

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?  To get to the other side!

How many communists does it take to change a lightbulb?  The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own change.

How many Congresspeople does it take to change a lightbulb?  You don't need a new lightbulb, what you really need is for us to bicker for three months.
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #17 on: September 07, 2012, 03:31:12 pm »
+5

I don't think anyone actually gets offended by lawyer jokes.  The problem is that most lawyer jokes are not really lawyer jokes, because you can replace lawyer with any other maligned profession and you have essentially the same joke.

Anyway, here are some I like:

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean when they got to talking. The lawyer mentioned, "I'm here because my house burned down and everything got destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."

"That's quite a coincidence," remarked the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood. My insurance company, too, paid for everything."

There was a brief pause, and then the puzzled lawyer asked, "How do you start a flood?"

Farmer Bob: Hey doc, how is Lawyer Jones?
Doctor Ted: Alas, the poor fellow is lying at death's door.
Farmer Bob: Ah, there's grit for ya: at death's door and still lyin'.
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #18 on: September 07, 2012, 03:38:18 pm »
+7

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?            Two                       
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #19 on: September 07, 2012, 06:10:06 pm »
+4

In that case, here's my favorite:

An engineer, a paleontologist, and a lawyer are walking through the woods with their dogs.  The paleontologist says 'I've got the most talented dog in the world, watch this'.  He calls his dog. 'Linnaeus, go do your stuff".  The dog puts his nose to the ground and begins searching the area.  He stops near a large tree, starts digging frantically, uncovering bone after bone. He uses the bones to build a full size replica of a T. rex skeleton.

The engineer says 'That's nothing, watch this'.  He calls his dog.  'Fulcrum, go do your stuff'.  The second dog disassembles the skeleton and uses the bones to build a double-cantilevered bridge over the stream they are standing beside.

The lawyer says 'That's nothing, watch this'. He calls his dog. 'Shyster, go do your stuff'.  So his dog screws the other two dogs and skips town.
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #20 on: September 08, 2012, 02:31:45 am »
+1

"Man, I haven't talked to my wife for two WEEKS!"
"Why not?"
"I didn't want to interrupt her..."
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #21 on: September 08, 2012, 11:19:09 am »
+2

René Descartes walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "Would you like a drink?"

Descartes responds with, "I think not," and then vanished.


This joke depends on faulty logic, because if we assume Descartes is translated as:

"I think, therefore I am"

This is equivalent to "I am not, therefore i cannot think" and not "I do not think, therefore I am not"( which is equivalent to "I am, therefore I think").

When I think about it, writing this reminds me of this comic .
« Last Edit: September 08, 2012, 11:51:49 am by Turambar »
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Forge!!!

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #22 on: September 08, 2012, 12:20:55 pm »
0

Racist tic-tac-toe is where you replace the o's with k's.

What do you call an 80's band made up of all Muslim people? Qu'ran Qu'ran

I heard someone say that men are much better at giving massages than women and I told him hey, that's really massagynistic.


i like bad jokes

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #23 on: September 08, 2012, 01:27:45 pm »
+3

Three statisticians decide they're going to try out hunting.  They get themselves a shotgun each, and hire a guide to help them with deer hunting.

On their first day, after only about 2 hours, the guide spots a ten-point buck among the trees.  One of them takes a shot that hits a tree off to the left, leaving a mark on the tree and spooking the buck.  The next aims quickly while the buck is still in sight, but his shot slams into a tree off to the right.

The third statistician jumps in the sir and shouts "We got him!"
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #24 on: September 08, 2012, 03:58:17 pm »
+3

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino? Hell if I know.

Why did the bicycle fall over? It was two-tired.

What did the hippie say when I asked him to get off my couch? Namaste.

What did the clock do when it was still hungry after lunch? It went back four seconds.

Finally, my favorite Groucho Marx line:
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #25 on: September 09, 2012, 09:51:40 pm »
+11

Scout.
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #26 on: September 09, 2012, 10:14:00 pm »
+1

So Werner Heisenberg is driving down the road when he gets pulled over for speeding. The officer asks him if he knows how fast he was going. Heisenberg responds with, 'No, but I know where I am.'

I've heard the same joke with a bit of an extension:

So Werner Heisenberg and Erwin Schrodinger are driving down the road when they get pulled over for speeding. The officer asks if they knows how fast they were going. Heisenberg responds with, "No, but I know where I am."
Considering this unusual response to be grounds for a search, the officer proceeds to ask them to open the trunk. Upon examination he says "did you know there's a dead cat in here?" Quite put out, Schrodinger sayds "Well, I do now!"
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RichardNixon

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #27 on: September 09, 2012, 10:59:37 pm »
+5

Who is the opposite of Christopher Reeve?

Christopher Walken.
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #28 on: September 10, 2012, 03:25:01 am »
+1

I'm very bad at remembering jokes, in fact, this is the only one I remember.

A man goes to see a doctor and tells him: "Doc, every time I talk to a woman, she turns around and flees in disgust."
The doctor sniffs the man's breath, "You have bad breath", he says.
- "Why could that be, I brush my teeth three times a day!"

The doc looks at the man, sees his hands and says: "Either stop biting your nails or scratching your ass"
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #29 on: September 10, 2012, 03:53:42 am »
+2

This is the only joke I know that has some level of humor.

A boy asks his dad, "Dad, is God male or female?"
The dad thinks about this. "Son, God is whatever people want to believe in. So you could say that because some see God as male, and others see God as female, then God is both."

The boy takes this in. Then, he says, "Dad, is God white or black?"
The dad thinks about this, but for shorter than before. "Well, it's the same as before. Some see God as white, some see God as black. So God is both."

The boy pauses, then asks, "Dad, is God Michael Jackson?"
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #30 on: September 11, 2012, 02:24:39 am »
+3

What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?         Dr. Dre             
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #31 on: September 11, 2012, 10:13:42 am »
+4

A man just joined a monastery. The abbot told the man, "Our order has very strict vows of silence. On each anniversary of your joining this order, you can speak two words."

One year goes by with the man saying nothing. Finally, his first anniversary arrived, and the man approached the abbot and said, "Room drafty."

After another year, the man approached the monk and said, "Food cold."

After the third year, the man told the abbot, "Bed hard."

After the fourth year, the man said, "Roof leaks."

On the man's fifth anniversary, he walked up to the abbot and simply stated, "I quit."

The abbot nodded and replied, "I'm not surprised. You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
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cayvie

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #32 on: September 11, 2012, 07:19:15 pm »
+3

A man just joined a monastery. The abbot told the man, "Our order has very strict vows of silence. On each anniversary of your joining this order, you can speak two words."

One year goes by with the man saying nothing. Finally, his first anniversary arrived, and the man approached the abbot and said, "Room drafty."

After another year, the man approached the monk and said, "Food cold."

After the third year, the man told the abbot, "Bed hard."

After the fourth year, the man said, "Roof leaks."

On the man's fifth anniversary, he walked up to the abbot and simply stated, "I quit."

The abbot nodded and replied, "I'm not surprised. You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

what, does the abbot not have to abide by these rules?

lame

i'd quit too
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #33 on: September 12, 2012, 08:37:41 am »
0

.
« Last Edit: July 19, 2013, 09:58:48 am by () | (_) ^/ »
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #34 on: September 12, 2012, 10:59:07 am »
+7

So three strings walk into a bar in Texas. Now there's a law in Texas that says strings can't drink, so this is a pretty rebellious thing. But the String #3 says to the others "C'mon, let's have some fun!"

So String #1 walks up to the bar. "Bartender," he says, "I'd like a beer."

"No can do," says the bartender. "You're a string. You want a soda or something?"

The string walks back to the table dejected.

String #2 steps up, but he's a little more crafty. He goes over to the coat rack, throws on a hat and a coat, and walks up to the bar, changing his voice to try to sound more like a person.

"Bartender," he says, "I'd like a beer."

"Sure thing, bud, comin right ... wait a minute! You're a string! Get outta here!"

Well the third string just laughs. He says "Guys, lemme show you how it's done." So he ties himself in a knot and teases out each end of himself. Then he walks up to the bar and confidently order a beer.

"You know I can't do that," says the bartender. "You're a string."

The string looks him squarely in the eyes and says "No sir, I'm a frayed knot."
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #35 on: September 12, 2012, 11:51:06 pm »
0

I'd tell another chemistry joke here, but all the good ones argon.  Oh wait:

What's a pirate's favorite amino acid?  Arrrrginine!

More pirate jokes:
What's a pirate's favorite element?       Gold
What's a pirate's favorite crime?       Piracy
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #36 on: September 13, 2012, 12:25:33 am »
0

I'd tell another chemistry joke here, but all the good ones argon.  Oh wait:

What's a pirate's favorite amino acid?  Arrrrginine!

More pirate jokes:
What's a pirate's favorite element?       Gold
What's a pirate's favorite crime?       Piracy

I believe you are looking for the anti-joke thread. :P
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GendoIkari

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #37 on: September 13, 2012, 12:39:26 am »
0

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?            Two                       

Don't get it... :-[
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #38 on: September 13, 2012, 12:40:27 am »
+1

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?            Two                       

Don't get it... :-[

Sometimes words can mean more than one thing. Also flies are small.
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Galzria

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #39 on: September 13, 2012, 12:41:54 am »
+1

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?            Two                       

Don't get it... :-[

Sometimes words can mean more than one thing. Also flies are small.

*Ahem* :P
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Blitz:
TOWN Wins: ZM11, ZM13
TOWN Losses: ZM3, ZM5, ZM6, ZM8, ZM9, ZM10
SCUM Wins: ZM1
SCUM Losses: ZM4

Total Wins: 3
Total Losses: 7

Normal Games:
TOWN Wins: M3, M5, M6, M11, M17, M28, M32, M105, M108
TOWN Losses: M4, M7, M8, M9, M13, M14, M18, M31
SCUM Wins: M2, M19, M23, M100
SCUM Losses: M15 (SK), M102 (Traitor)

Total Wins: 13
Total Losses: 10

Other:
TOWN Wins: DM1, BM4, BM4, BM5, BM8, BM13, DoM1, OZ2, RM45
TOWN Losses: BM1, BM2, BM3, BM6, BM11, RM3, RM4
SCUM Wins: DM3, BM7, RM1, RM2
SCUM Losses: BM9, OZ1

Total Wins: 13
Total Losses: 9

GendoIkari

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #40 on: September 13, 2012, 12:46:44 am »
+1

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?            Two                       

Don't get it... :-[

Sometimes words can mean more than one thing. Also flies are small.

Man I'm slow! Lol.
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kn1tt3r

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #41 on: September 13, 2012, 02:41:16 am »
+4

"Docter, I can't feel my legs anymore!"
"Well, no suprise, we've just amputated your arms."
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jotheonah

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #42 on: September 13, 2012, 09:46:14 am »
0

Two penguins were driving through the desert on a hot day and their car broke down. Luckily they weren't too far from a small, dusty town. They pushed their car into town and left it at a mechanic's shop. He suggested they get some refreshment to cool down at the local diner, and he'd come get them when he fixed the car.

The two penguins order vanilla milkshakes, but one of them is so hot and thirsty he drinks it without the straw, getting it all over his beak.

About an hour later, the mechanic walks in and says "It looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin quickly replies "No, it's just a milkshake!
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #43 on: September 13, 2012, 09:49:43 am »
+3

I'd tell another chemistry joke here, but all the good ones argon.  Oh wait:

What's a pirate's favorite amino acid?  Arrrrginine!

OK, I lied, they aren't all gone:

A mosquito cried out in vain:
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
The cause of his sorrow
was para-dichloro
diphenyltricholorethane.
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SwitchedFromStarcraft

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #44 on: September 13, 2012, 12:00:29 pm »
+1

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?            Two                       

Don't get it... :-[

Sometimes words can mean more than one thing. Also flies are small.

Man I'm slow! Lol.
I didn't get it either.
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DStu

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #45 on: September 13, 2012, 12:06:50 pm »
+1

How many flies does it take (to screw in) (a lightbulb)?
->
How many flies does it take (to screw) (in a lightbulb)?
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Watno

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #46 on: September 13, 2012, 12:36:17 pm »
+2

One of my favorites also with pirates, sadly it only works in German, but I'll post it anyway:
Warum können Seeräuber keinen Kreis zeichnen? Weil sie Pi raten
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DStu

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #47 on: September 13, 2012, 12:40:57 pm »
+1

You can probably get something with 'pi' and 'rate', too....
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Young Nick

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #48 on: September 13, 2012, 02:22:31 pm »
+8

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Jorbles

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #49 on: September 13, 2012, 02:56:06 pm »
+7

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gets him one, and the neutron says, "What do I owe you?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

How can you tell if someone is vegan? Don't worry they'll tell you.

How many pessimists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? What's the point? It'll just burn out again.

How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? That's not funny.

What's brown and sticky? A stick.

Why did the two melons have a big wedding? Because they cantaloupe.
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Axxle

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #50 on: September 13, 2012, 02:57:49 pm »
+4

How can you tell if someone is vegan? Don't worry they'll tell you.
How can you tell if someone is from Texas? Don't worry they'll tell you.
How can you tell if someone is a vegan from Texas? Don't worry they don't exist.
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SwitchedFromStarcraft

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #51 on: September 13, 2012, 03:59:45 pm »
0

Why was the melon sad when it got a dog. Because the dog was a melon collie.
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Kuildeous

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #52 on: September 13, 2012, 04:27:55 pm »
+1

A favorite from Monty Python.


What's brown and sounds like a bell?

Dung!

It's funnier told in person.

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jotheonah

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #53 on: September 13, 2012, 11:13:32 pm »
0

What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter it won't come.
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Young Nick

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #54 on: September 13, 2012, 11:21:40 pm »
+3

Best told in person, but my favorite:

A: "Wanna hear a knock-knock joke?"
(Unsuspecting) B: Sure!
A: OK, you start!
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Axxle

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #55 on: September 14, 2012, 12:11:15 am »
0

What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter it won't come.
"How" do you call...
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J-Kidder

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #56 on: September 14, 2012, 12:23:33 am »
+1

Best told in person, but my favorite:

A: "Wanna hear a knock-knock joke?"
(Unsuspecting) B: Sure!
A: OK, you start!
I used to love that one till it backfired on me. 
It went something like this:
A: "OK, you start!"
B: "knock-knock"
A: "who's there?"
B: "John"
A: "John who?"
B: "John Pags"
A: .........? (how the heck did this ball end up back in my court?)
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Qvist

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #57 on: September 14, 2012, 03:00:59 am »
0

How can you tell if someone is vegan? Don't worry they'll tell you.

A vegan mom says: "Kids, come in. Your food gets withered."
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Turambar

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #58 on: September 14, 2012, 04:09:24 am »
+3

And now for some mathematics jokes:

What is an anagram for Banach-Tarski? Banach-Tarski Banach-Tarski

There is no uninteresting natural numbers, because assuming the opposite, there has to be a lowest uninteresting natural number. But that's pretty interesting. Contradiction!

Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip? To get to the same side.
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DStu

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #59 on: September 14, 2012, 04:32:38 am »
+1

What is an anagram for Banach-Tarski? Banach-Tarski Banach-Tarski

To come back to http://spikedmath.com/505.html , Banach-Tarski does not work on finite sets.
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jotheonah

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #60 on: September 14, 2012, 06:11:31 am »
+7

So the Higgs-Boson walks into a Catholic church.

The priest says "Sorry, we don't allow Higgs-Bosons in here."

The Higgs says "But without me, you can't have Mass!"
« Last Edit: September 14, 2012, 11:34:06 am by jotheonah »
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SwitchedFromStarcraft

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #61 on: September 14, 2012, 08:34:25 am »
0

What do you call a dog with no legs? Mat
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jonts26

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #62 on: September 18, 2012, 12:04:14 am »
+3

How many dragonball Z characters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just one but it'll take him 3 episodes.
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Cuzz

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #63 on: September 18, 2012, 08:04:25 am »
+3

Wanna hear the world's shortest math joke?

Let ε < 0
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Exuberance

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #64 on: September 18, 2012, 09:17:04 am »
+1

My favorite jokes are one-liners:


A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says "Make me one with everything."

A 3-legged dog walks into a bar and says "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!"
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Jorbles

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #65 on: September 18, 2012, 02:51:49 pm »
+4

How many dragonball Z characters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just one but it'll take him 3 episodes.

I was sure the punchline was going to be IT'S OVER 9000!
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michaeljb

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #66 on: September 18, 2012, 06:09:13 pm »
+24

How many F.DS members does it take to change a light bulb?

Depends on the board; are there any +Lumens, or will all those extra Watts go to waste? Are there any alt-light sources? How many switches are connected to the light? Will the light stay in one state for long periods of time, or will it be turned on and off frequently? How does it interact with other light sources (if any) in the room?
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Asklepios

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #67 on: September 18, 2012, 07:11:16 pm »
+4

Maths jokes then.

An experiment is performed involving two cats, and an inclined roof.
The two cats are very nearly identical; same gender, mass, breed, eye and fur colour.
The scientist places both cats on the apex of the roof and releases them at the same time.
One of the cats fall off the roof first.
So obviously there is some difference between the two cats.

One cat has a greater mew.

===

There are 10 kinds of mathematicians. Those who can think binarily and those who can't..

===

Two men are sitting in the basket of a balloon. For hours, they have been drifting through a thick layer of clouds, and they have lost orientation completely. Suddenly, the clouds part, and the two men see the top of a mountain with a man standing on it.
"Hey! Can you tell us where we are?!"
The man doesn't reply. The minutes pass as the balloon drifts past the mountain. When the balloon is about to be swallowed again by the clouds, the man on the mountain shouts: "You're in a balloon!"
"That must have been a mathematician."
"Why?"
"He thought long and thoroughly about what to say. What he eventually said was irrefutably correct. And it was of no use whatsoever..."



And as I'm a doctor, not a mathematician (dammit, Jim) a joke for doctors:

What's pink and hard?
An ECG on an orthopaedics ward.
« Last Edit: September 18, 2012, 07:18:45 pm by Asklepios »
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cayvie

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #68 on: September 18, 2012, 07:37:28 pm »
+21

How many F.DS members does it take to change a light bulb?

Depends on the board; are there any +Lumens, or will all those extra Watts go to waste? Are there any alt-light sources? How many switches are connected to the light? Will the light stay in one state for long periods of time, or will it be turned on and off frequently? How does it interact with other light sources (if any) in the room?


Wait, there's going to be a new light bulb? What's going to happen to the old light bulb?
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eHalcyon

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #69 on: September 18, 2012, 10:21:05 pm »
+1

Two men are sitting in the basket of a balloon. For hours, they have been drifting through a thick layer of clouds, and they have lost orientation completely. Suddenly, the clouds part, and the two men see the top of a mountain with a man standing on it.
"Hey! Can you tell us where we are?!"
The man doesn't reply. The minutes pass as the balloon drifts past the mountain. When the balloon is about to be swallowed again by the clouds, the man on the mountain shouts: "You're in a balloon!"
"That must have been a mathematician."
"Why?"
"He thought long and thoroughly about what to say. What he eventually said was irrefutably correct. And it was of no use whatsoever..."

This joke has a longer version.

Speaking of long jokes, have you heard the one about Nate the Snake?  I have been sorely tempted to post it here, but it is very, very long.
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jotheonah

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #70 on: September 18, 2012, 11:17:46 pm »
+1

How many F.DS members does it take to change a light bulb?

Depends on the board; are there any +Lumens, or will all those extra Watts go to waste? Are there any alt-light sources? How many switches are connected to the light? Will the light stay in one state for long periods of time, or will it be turned on and off frequently? How does it interact with other light sources (if any) in the room?


Wait, there's going to be a new light bulb? What's going to happen to the old light bulb?

BRILLIANT
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thirtyseven

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #71 on: September 19, 2012, 11:48:53 am »
+2

Two men are sitting in the basket of a balloon. For hours, they have been drifting through a thick layer of clouds, and they have lost orientation completely. Suddenly, the clouds part, and the two men see the top of a mountain with a man standing on it.
"Hey! Can you tell us where we are?!"
The man doesn't reply. The minutes pass as the balloon drifts past the mountain. When the balloon is about to be swallowed again by the clouds, the man on the mountain shouts: "You're in a balloon!"
"That must have been a mathematician."
"Why?"
"He thought long and thoroughly about what to say. What he eventually said was irrefutably correct. And it was of no use whatsoever..."

This joke has a longer version.

Speaking of long jokes, have you heard the one about Nate the Snake?  I have been sorely tempted to post it here, but it is very, very long.

I know this joke. It's golden. Post it. ;D
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SwitchedFromStarcraft

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #72 on: September 19, 2012, 11:53:22 am »
+2

Two men are sitting in the basket of a balloon. For hours, they have been drifting through a thick layer of clouds, and they have lost orientation completely. Suddenly, the clouds part, and the two men see the top of a mountain with a man standing on it.
"Hey! Can you tell us where we are?!"
The man doesn't reply. The minutes pass as the balloon drifts past the mountain. When the balloon is about to be swallowed again by the clouds, the man on the mountain shouts: "You're in a balloon!"
"That must have been a mathematician."
"Why?"
"He thought long and thoroughly about what to say. What he eventually said was irrefutably correct. And it was of no use whatsoever..."

This joke has a longer version.

Speaking of long jokes, have you heard the one about Nate the Snake?  I have been sorely tempted to post it here, but it is very, very long.

I know this joke. It's golden. Post it. ;D
Oh boy.  If you post it (and you should), I'm gonna +1 just for the amount of typing involved.
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thirtyseven

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #73 on: September 19, 2012, 12:03:21 pm »
+2

Two men are sitting in the basket of a balloon. For hours, they have been drifting through a thick layer of clouds, and they have lost orientation completely. Suddenly, the clouds part, and the two men see the top of a mountain with a man standing on it.
"Hey! Can you tell us where we are?!"
The man doesn't reply. The minutes pass as the balloon drifts past the mountain. When the balloon is about to be swallowed again by the clouds, the man on the mountain shouts: "You're in a balloon!"
"That must have been a mathematician."
"Why?"
"He thought long and thoroughly about what to say. What he eventually said was irrefutably correct. And it was of no use whatsoever..."

This joke has a longer version.

Speaking of long jokes, have you heard the one about Nate the Snake?  I have been sorely tempted to post it here, but it is very, very long.

I know this joke. It's golden. Post it. ;D
Oh boy.  If you post it (and you should), I'm gonna +1 just for the amount of typing involved.

And then retract the +1 when you realize he simply copy/pasted it from a website?
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Captain_Frisk

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #74 on: September 19, 2012, 12:17:12 pm »
+3

Two men are sitting in the basket of a balloon. For hours, they have been drifting through a thick layer of clouds, and they have lost orientation completely. Suddenly, the clouds part, and the two men see the top of a mountain with a man standing on it.
"Hey! Can you tell us where we are?!"
The man doesn't reply. The minutes pass as the balloon drifts past the mountain. When the balloon is about to be swallowed again by the clouds, the man on the mountain shouts: "You're in a balloon!"
"That must have been a mathematician."
"Why?"
"He thought long and thoroughly about what to say. What he eventually said was irrefutably correct. And it was of no use whatsoever..."

This joke has a longer version.

Speaking of long jokes, have you heard the one about Nate the Snake?  I have been sorely tempted to post it here, but it is very, very long.

I know this joke. It's golden. Post it. ;D
Oh boy.  If you post it (and you should), I'm gonna +1 just for the amount of typing involved.

And then retract the +1 when you realize he simply copy/pasted it from a website?

Holy crap this "joke" is long.  I'm 2/3 of the way through, but I'll take some +1's for linking to it:

http://natethesnake.com/
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SwitchedFromStarcraft

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #75 on: September 19, 2012, 01:24:16 pm »
0

Two men are sitting in the basket of a balloon. For hours, they have been drifting through a thick layer of clouds, and they have lost orientation completely. Suddenly, the clouds part, and the two men see the top of a mountain with a man standing on it.
"Hey! Can you tell us where we are?!"
The man doesn't reply. The minutes pass as the balloon drifts past the mountain. When the balloon is about to be swallowed again by the clouds, the man on the mountain shouts: "You're in a balloon!"
"That must have been a mathematician."
"Why?"
"He thought long and thoroughly about what to say. What he eventually said was irrefutably correct. And it was of no use whatsoever..."

This joke has a longer version.

Speaking of long jokes, have you heard the one about Nate the Snake?  I have been sorely tempted to post it here, but it is very, very long.

I know this joke. It's golden. Post it. ;D
Oh boy.  If you post it (and you should), I'm gonna +1 just for the amount of typing involved.

And then retract the +1 when you realize he simply copy/pasted it from a website?
Nah, but after thinking about it, I might only give him the +1 if he logged in from a Google account, search for the source on Google, and owned Walled Village.
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #76 on: September 19, 2012, 01:35:15 pm »
+4

Two men are sitting in the basket of a balloon. For hours, they have been drifting through a thick layer of clouds, and they have lost orientation completely. Suddenly, the clouds part, and the two men see the top of a mountain with a man standing on it.
"Hey! Can you tell us where we are?!"
The man doesn't reply. The minutes pass as the balloon drifts past the mountain. When the balloon is about to be swallowed again by the clouds, the man on the mountain shouts: "You're in a balloon!"
"That must have been a mathematician."
"Why?"
"He thought long and thoroughly about what to say. What he eventually said was irrefutably correct. And it was of no use whatsoever..."

This joke has a longer version.

Speaking of long jokes, have you heard the one about Nate the Snake?  I have been sorely tempted to post it here, but it is very, very long.

I know this joke. It's golden. Post it. ;D
Oh boy.  If you post it (and you should), I'm gonna +1 just for the amount of typing involved.

And then retract the +1 when you realize he simply copy/pasted it from a website?

Holy crap this "joke" is long.  I'm 2/3 of the way through, but I'll take some +1's for linking to it:

http://natethesnake.com/

No +1's for you. You gave me the link, and thus the means, of wasting too many precious minutes of my life on... That... Ugh.
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Derphammering is when quickhammers go derp.


Blitz:
TOWN Wins: ZM11, ZM13
TOWN Losses: ZM3, ZM5, ZM6, ZM8, ZM9, ZM10
SCUM Wins: ZM1
SCUM Losses: ZM4

Total Wins: 3
Total Losses: 7

Normal Games:
TOWN Wins: M3, M5, M6, M11, M17, M28, M32, M105, M108
TOWN Losses: M4, M7, M8, M9, M13, M14, M18, M31
SCUM Wins: M2, M19, M23, M100
SCUM Losses: M15 (SK), M102 (Traitor)

Total Wins: 13
Total Losses: 10

Other:
TOWN Wins: DM1, BM4, BM4, BM5, BM8, BM13, DoM1, OZ2, RM45
TOWN Losses: BM1, BM2, BM3, BM6, BM11, RM3, RM4
SCUM Wins: DM3, BM7, RM1, RM2
SCUM Losses: BM9, OZ1

Total Wins: 13
Total Losses: 9

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #77 on: September 19, 2012, 01:49:22 pm »
+3

To be fair - I hadn't read the amazing punchline.  All that buildup was totally worth it!
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #78 on: September 19, 2012, 01:50:31 pm »
0

To be fair - I hadn't read the amazing punchline.  All that buildup was totally worth it!

Now THAT, that gets a +1
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Derphammering is when quickhammers go derp.


Blitz:
TOWN Wins: ZM11, ZM13
TOWN Losses: ZM3, ZM5, ZM6, ZM8, ZM9, ZM10
SCUM Wins: ZM1
SCUM Losses: ZM4

Total Wins: 3
Total Losses: 7

Normal Games:
TOWN Wins: M3, M5, M6, M11, M17, M28, M32, M105, M108
TOWN Losses: M4, M7, M8, M9, M13, M14, M18, M31
SCUM Wins: M2, M19, M23, M100
SCUM Losses: M15 (SK), M102 (Traitor)

Total Wins: 13
Total Losses: 10

Other:
TOWN Wins: DM1, BM4, BM4, BM5, BM8, BM13, DoM1, OZ2, RM45
TOWN Losses: BM1, BM2, BM3, BM6, BM11, RM3, RM4
SCUM Wins: DM3, BM7, RM1, RM2
SCUM Losses: BM9, OZ1

Total Wins: 13
Total Losses: 9

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #79 on: September 19, 2012, 02:04:30 pm »
+4

Goko.
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #80 on: September 19, 2012, 02:22:28 pm »
0

Goko.

I see we're breaking out the BIG jokes now...
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #81 on: September 19, 2012, 04:55:06 pm »
0

Goko.
Ouch, but +1 here, in addition to the +1 that I gave the post itself.
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #82 on: September 19, 2012, 06:11:16 pm »
0

Two men are sitting in the basket of a balloon. For hours, they have been drifting through a thick layer of clouds, and they have lost orientation completely. Suddenly, the clouds part, and the two men see the top of a mountain with a man standing on it.
"Hey! Can you tell us where we are?!"
The man doesn't reply. The minutes pass as the balloon drifts past the mountain. When the balloon is about to be swallowed again by the clouds, the man on the mountain shouts: "You're in a balloon!"
"That must have been a mathematician."
"Why?"
"He thought long and thoroughly about what to say. What he eventually said was irrefutably correct. And it was of no use whatsoever..."

This joke has a longer version.

Speaking of long jokes, have you heard the one about Nate the Snake?  I have been sorely tempted to post it here, but it is very, very long.

I know this joke. It's golden. Post it. ;D
Oh boy.  If you post it (and you should), I'm gonna +1 just for the amount of typing involved.

And then retract the +1 when you realize he simply copy/pasted it from a website?

Holy crap this "joke" is long.  I'm 2/3 of the way through, but I'll take some +1's for linking to it:

http://natethesnake.com/

Darn, I was going to link it.
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #83 on: September 19, 2012, 08:40:08 pm »
+1


Holy crap this "joke" is long.  I'm 2/3 of the way through, but I'll take some +1's for linking to it:

http://natethesnake.com/

Darn, I was going to link it.

Yeah - and it got me 0 +1s.  Offensive.
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theory

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #84 on: September 20, 2012, 03:59:38 pm »
+1

How can you tell if someone is vegan? Don't worry they'll tell you.

Sorry to get all PC but this joke irritates me.  How can you tell someone is atheist?  How can you tell someone is gay?  How can you tell someone is adopted?  How can you tell if someone is left-handed?

These qualities are all (usually) invisible until we are told of them, because we operate in a world of default assumptions.  You have no idea how many [people of X quality] you've met; the only reason you know any is because they tell you.  There are many [people of X quality] that do not tell you they are [X] and that you just don't know have [X].

You can argue that vegans are more militant about their veganism than atheists/gays/adoptees/left-handedness etc., but I doubt it.  From personal experience, and PETA-crazies aside, most vegans are not evangelical.
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #85 on: September 20, 2012, 04:59:35 pm »
+2

How can you tell if someone is vegan? Don't worry they'll tell you.

Sorry to get all PC but this joke irritates me.  How can you tell someone is atheist?  How can you tell someone is gay?  How can you tell someone is adopted?  How can you tell if someone is left-handed?

These qualities are all (usually) invisible until we are told of them, because we operate in a world of default assumptions.  You have no idea how many [people of X quality] you've met; the only reason you know any is because they tell you.  There are many [people of X quality] that do not tell you they are [X] and that you just don't know have [X].

You can argue that vegans are more militant about their veganism than atheists/gays/adoptees/left-handedness etc., but I doubt it.  From personal experience, and PETA-crazies aside, most vegans are not evangelical.

Sorry if it offends, that wasn't my intention. The joke plays on the fact that vegans do tend to mention it if they're vegan. I think the reason vegans tend to be fairly out about their veganism is not out of any militantism, but because people eat 3+ times a day. Eating comes up a lot more often than your other examples (sexuality, religion, adoption, handedness). I guess the reason it's funny though is that it implies militantism on the part of vegans, which if not actually true is certainly a stereotype that fits. The joke would also work for people who have peanut allergies, but there's no stereotype to play off of so it wouldn't be funny. I thought it was fairly inoffensive, but I'll refrain in the future.
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #86 on: September 20, 2012, 05:02:48 pm »
+14

Another mathy one. Not laugh out loud hilarious but I like it:

One alien says to another, "Look, there are 11 zorgaks over there."

The other alien replies, "No, I clearly see 23 of them."

The first says, "Oh, I see. You must use base 4 on your planet. Here we use base 10."

The second then says, "I use base 10 also. What the hell is a 4?"
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #87 on: September 20, 2012, 05:05:55 pm »
0

Buddha, Jesus, Shiva, Odin, Zeus, The Horned God and the Flying Spaghetti Monster walk into a bar.....
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #88 on: September 20, 2012, 05:15:38 pm »
+1

Another mathy one. Not laugh out loud hilarious but I like it:

One alien says to another, "Look, there are 11 zorgaks over there."

The other alien replies, "No, I clearly see 23 of them."

The first says, "Oh, I see. You must use base 4 on your planet. Here we use base 10."

The second then says, "I use base 10 also. What the hell is a 4?"

But... does this add up?  What bases are the aliens using?  If alien one is using base ten, then it sees eleven zorgaks.
The second alien says 23, so it can't be binary.  It doesn't know 4, so it must be base three.

23 in base three == 12 in base ten

So... it doesn't work?  Unless the first alien is also using something other than base ten?

Edit: no wait, I am misinterpreting.  It must be base four, but yeah, they call it base 10.  MY BAD.  /tired
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #89 on: September 20, 2012, 05:54:29 pm »
+1

"Two plus two equals... bzzz... ten.  In base four, I'm FINE."
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #90 on: September 20, 2012, 06:01:42 pm »
+1

Cersei Lannister
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had to quote this one from the design contest
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theory

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #91 on: September 20, 2012, 06:07:11 pm »
+1

How can you tell if someone is vegan? Don't worry they'll tell you.

Sorry to get all PC but this joke irritates me.  How can you tell someone is atheist?  How can you tell someone is gay?  How can you tell someone is adopted?  How can you tell if someone is left-handed?

These qualities are all (usually) invisible until we are told of them, because we operate in a world of default assumptions.  You have no idea how many [people of X quality] you've met; the only reason you know any is because they tell you.  There are many [people of X quality] that do not tell you they are [X] and that you just don't know have [X].

You can argue that vegans are more militant about their veganism than atheists/gays/adoptees/left-handedness etc., but I doubt it.  From personal experience, and PETA-crazies aside, most vegans are not evangelical.

Sorry if it offends, that wasn't my intention. The joke plays on the fact that vegans do tend to mention it if they're vegan. I think the reason vegans tend to be fairly out about their veganism is not out of any militantism, but because people eat 3+ times a day. Eating comes up a lot more often than your other examples (sexuality, religion, adoption, handedness). I guess the reason it's funny though is that it implies militantism on the part of vegans, which if not actually true is certainly a stereotype that fits. The joke would also work for people who have peanut allergies, but there's no stereotype to play off of so it wouldn't be funny. I thought it was fairly inoffensive, but I'll refrain in the future.

Oh I'm not offended -- except for that part of me that likes good jokes.  I am simply bothered by it in an OCD-esque manner, the same way that I am bothered by anyone who makes a joke that seems illogical. 
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #92 on: September 20, 2012, 07:06:20 pm »
0

How can you tell if someone is vegan? Don't worry they'll tell you.

Sorry to get all PC but this joke irritates me.  How can you tell someone is atheist?  How can you tell someone is gay?  How can you tell someone is adopted?  How can you tell if someone is left-handed?

These qualities are all (usually) invisible until we are told of them, because we operate in a world of default assumptions.  You have no idea how many [people of X quality] you've met; the only reason you know any is because they tell you.  There are many [people of X quality] that do not tell you they are [X] and that you just don't know have [X].

You can argue that vegans are more militant about their veganism than atheists/gays/adoptees/left-handedness etc., but I doubt it.  From personal experience, and PETA-crazies aside, most vegans are not evangelical.

"We don't see meat eating as we do vegetarianism -- as a choice, based on a set of assumptions about animals, our world, and ourselves. Rather, we see it as a given, the "natural" thing do. We eat animals without thinking what we are doing and why because the belief system that underlies this behavior is invisible." -- Melanie Joy.
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #93 on: September 20, 2012, 08:13:11 pm »
+9

Another mathy one. Not laugh out loud hilarious but I like it:

One alien says to another, "Look, there are 11 zorgaks over there."

The other alien replies, "No, I clearly see 23 of them."

The first says, "Oh, I see. You must use base 4 on your planet. Here we use base 10."

The second then says, "I use base 10 also. What the hell is a 4?"

Why do mathematicians get Christmas and Halloween confused?

Because DEC 25 = OCT 31
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #94 on: September 20, 2012, 08:58:57 pm »
0

Cersei Lannister
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When you play the Game of Thrones, reveal this. You win or you die.

had to quote this one from the design contest
I hate that bitch.  I just started GoT II, and can't wait until the dragons roast her alive from the neck down.  Don't want her pretty face spoiled though, as it's going on a pike, next to Ned Stark's.
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #95 on: September 21, 2012, 03:12:16 am »
+6

  How can you tell if someone is left-handed?


The pervading stench of evil coming from them!
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #96 on: September 21, 2012, 09:45:10 am »
+1

So... it doesn't work?  Unless the first alien is also using something other than base ten?

Edit: no wait, I am misinterpreting.  It must be base four, but yeah, they call it base 10.  MY BAD.  /tired

I also had to think that through.

My problem was that I immediately thought of 10 as a construct of binary. So, I was wondering how that alien could even count to 23.

I don't work with other bases enough to pick up on that. When I see 10 (or any combination of 0s and 1s), I instantly think of it as a binary number and not a number in another base that just happens to be made up of 0s and 1s. The only exception would be decimal (and sometimes hexadecimal).

But it is a brilliant joke.
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #97 on: September 21, 2012, 03:16:54 pm »
+1

  How can you tell if someone is left-handed?


The pervading stench of evil coming from them!

I'm left handed!!
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #98 on: September 21, 2012, 06:17:59 pm »
+1

  How can you tell if someone is left-handed?


The pervading stench of evil coming from them!

I'm left handed!!

vote: ehalcyon

(i'm a lefty too)
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #99 on: September 21, 2012, 06:23:31 pm »
0

So... it doesn't work?  Unless the first alien is also using something other than base ten?

Edit: no wait, I am misinterpreting.  It must be base four, but yeah, they call it base 10.  MY BAD.  /tired

I also had to think that through.

My problem was that I immediately thought of 10 as a construct of binary. So, I was wondering how that alien could even count to 23.

I don't work with other bases enough to pick up on that. When I see 10 (or any combination of 0s and 1s), I instantly think of it as a binary number and not a number in another base that just happens to be made up of 0s and 1s. The only exception would be decimal (and sometimes hexadecimal).

But it is a brilliant joke.

It's also brilliant as a caution against egocentrism. We often see "10" and think it means "ten", but it really means [whatever base you're in]. So everyone thinks they are in base "10", it this can mean very different things to them. Similarly, everyone here claims they are "decent" at Dominion, because, well, you're comparing to yourself and the people you get auto-matched with, which is biased toward your own level. So no one thinks they are "bad" or "good", because we're all thinking were are level "10" in base [actual level].
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #100 on: September 21, 2012, 07:53:44 pm »
0

  How can you tell if someone is left-handed?


The pervading stench of evil coming from them!

I'm left handed!!

Point proven.
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #101 on: September 22, 2012, 04:48:02 am »
0

  How can you tell if someone is left-handed?


The pervading stench of evil coming from them!

I'm left handed!!

Point proven.
I am left handed too, am I evil?
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #102 on: September 22, 2012, 09:37:22 am »
0

I think I've said this before, but I am a leftie too, and a total one at that. Most lefties still use mouse with their right, I cannot. I use my left for EVERYTHING.
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #103 on: September 23, 2012, 06:29:49 am »
0

I think I've said this before, but I am a leftie too, and a total one at that. Most lefties still use mouse with their right, I cannot. I use my left for EVERYTHING.
Huh. I use my right for everything.
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #104 on: September 23, 2012, 12:45:09 pm »
0

I think I've said this before, but I am a leftie too, and a total one at that. Most lefties still use mouse with their right, I cannot. I use my left for EVERYTHING.
Huh. I use my right for everything.

I'm right handed except for billiards. I can play billiards with both hands, but I'm a lot better with my left.
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #105 on: September 23, 2012, 05:18:05 pm »
+1

So, US vs EU thing:  How many righties use their left hand for eating?  Lots (lots) of Americans, when eating meat, will use their right hand for cutting meat with a knife, then set down the fork and transfer it to their right hand.  Anyone else seen this?
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #106 on: September 23, 2012, 05:51:49 pm »
+1

So, US vs EU thing:  How many righties use their left hand for eating?  Lots (lots) of Americans, when eating meat, will use their right hand for cutting meat with a knife, then set down the fork and transfer it to their right hand.  Anyone else seen this?

I'm like that with my left hand.  I'm just really clumsy with my right so I can't knife or fork with it.  Yes I just verbed those nouns.
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #107 on: September 23, 2012, 06:11:48 pm »
0

So, US vs EU thing:  How many righties use their left hand for eating?  Lots (lots) of Americans, when eating meat, will use their right hand for cutting meat with a knife, then set down the fork and transfer it to their right hand.  Anyone else seen this?
I got taken to task yesterday for a similar thing.  I'm a righty, but all my fishing reels have the handle on the right side, because after I cast, I move the rod to my left hand and reel right-handed.  The guy at the fishing store said "Why are you adding all those steps?"
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #108 on: September 23, 2012, 06:32:37 pm »
+1

So, US vs EU thing:  How many righties use their left hand for eating?  Lots (lots) of Americans, when eating meat, will use their right hand for cutting meat with a knife, then set down the fork and transfer it to their right hand.  Anyone else seen this?

I do it the way I've been taught is polite. Knife in right hand, Fork in left, always.
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #109 on: September 24, 2012, 09:09:40 am »
+2

See, this just proves that left hand people are trying to cover up their left handedness, and why do they want to cover it up? Because they are up to no good obviously.

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #110 on: September 24, 2012, 09:10:33 am »
+1

I think I've said this before, but I am a leftie too, and a total one at that. Most lefties still use mouse with their right, I cannot. I use my left for EVERYTHING.
Huh. I use my right for everything.

I'm right handed except for billiards. I can play billiards with both hands, but I'm a lot better with my left.

Billiards?! Do you also play in the 1920's as well as with your left hand?!
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #111 on: September 24, 2012, 09:12:24 am »
+1

So, US vs EU thing:  How many righties use their left hand for eating?  Lots (lots) of Americans, when eating meat, will use their right hand for cutting meat with a knife, then set down the fork and transfer it to their right hand.  Anyone else seen this?

This is the way I taught, but abandoned in my older years as I realized that it's acceptable to do it either way, and the transfer is super ineffcient.

I'm not sure that I was taught to actually set the fork down, or just pass it to the right hand prior to eating.

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #112 on: September 24, 2012, 09:13:48 am »
0

Why would people teach people that way?

Surely you put the knife in your strongest hand!

This is like the shoelace tying thing all over again!
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #113 on: September 24, 2012, 09:16:42 am »
0

This is like the shoelace tying thing all over again!
Shoelaces are the work of the devil.  Loafers only!
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #114 on: September 24, 2012, 09:17:24 am »
0

This is like the shoelace tying thing all over again!
Shoelaces are the work of the devil.  Loafers only!
Velcro is a minor sin, but acceptable with an appropriate tithe to offset.
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #115 on: September 24, 2012, 10:30:26 am »
+2

The fork transfer forces you to eat slower, so I've heard that it is an etiquette thing.  The alternative explanation is that it's a way to ferret out British spies during the American Revolution but that seems pretty dubious.
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #116 on: September 24, 2012, 11:56:33 am »
0

The fork transfer forces you to eat slower, so I've heard that it is an etiquette thing.  The alternative explanation is that it's a way to ferret out British spies during the American Revolution but that seems pretty dubious.

Hey, it worked in Inglourious Basterds when the British agent used the wrong way to gesture for "three."

Although, I've grown up with sign language, so I still don't get the hang of how "three" is normally presented. It looks like W.
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #117 on: September 24, 2012, 12:18:30 pm »
+7

The fork transfer forces you to eat slower, so I've heard that it is an etiquette thing.  The alternative explanation is that it's a way to ferret out British spies during the American Revolution but that seems pretty dubious.

<insert joke about Americans not needing cutlery to eat from KFC bargain bucket here>
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #118 on: September 24, 2012, 12:20:04 pm »
0

But it looks like just a style brought across with the settlers that never got changed.

A bit like the French way of eating used to be all courses served at the same time, and the current set meal style that most people use in restaurants is derived from the Russians.
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #119 on: September 24, 2012, 02:55:00 pm »
+7

How did a conversation about left-handers show up in a joke thread? Must be some sort of sinister plot.

To tie the two together, here is a joke I copied directly from some website.

A husband asks his wife, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?"
"After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship."

"If I died and you remarried," the husband asks, "would he live in this house?"
"We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess he would."

"If I died and you remarried, and he lived in this house," the husband asks, "would he sleep in our bed?"
"Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess he would."

"If I died and you remarried, and he lived in this house and slept in our bed, would he use my golf clubs?"
"Oh, no!" the wife replies. "He's left-handed!"
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #120 on: September 24, 2012, 04:25:56 pm »
+1

So, US vs EU thing:  How many righties use their left hand for eating?  Lots (lots) of Americans, when eating meat, will use their right hand for cutting meat with a knife, then set down the fork and transfer it to their right hand.  Anyone else seen this?

This is the way I taught, but abandoned in my older years as I realized that it's acceptable to do it either way, and the transfer is super ineffcient.

I'm not sure that I was taught to actually set the fork down, or just pass it to the right hand prior to eating.

I was explicitly taught as a child that there is an American way and a European way.

I prefer the switch myself, when I eat with my left hand if feels like a different person is feeding me. (No one went there yet?)
« Last Edit: September 24, 2012, 04:27:02 pm by RichardNixon »
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #121 on: September 24, 2012, 04:27:01 pm »
+2

How did a conversation about left-handers show up in a joke thread? Must be some sort of sinister plot.

To tie the two together, here is a joke I copied directly from some website.

A husband asks his wife, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?"
"After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship."

"If I died and you remarried," the husband asks, "would he live in this house?"
"We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess he would."

"If I died and you remarried, and he lived in this house," the husband asks, "would he sleep in our bed?"
"Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess he would."

"If I died and you remarried, and he lived in this house and slept in our bed, would he use my golf clubs?"
"Oh, no!" the wife replies. "He's left-handed!"
+1 more for the chemistry reference ahead of a joke about "chemistry". Is it even possible to take Latin in school anymore?
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #122 on: September 24, 2012, 04:29:28 pm »
0

How did a conversation about left-handers show up in a joke thread? Must be some sort of sinister plot.

To tie the two together, here is a joke I copied directly from some website.

A husband asks his wife, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?"
"After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship."

"If I died and you remarried," the husband asks, "would he live in this house?"
"We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess he would."

"If I died and you remarried, and he lived in this house," the husband asks, "would he sleep in our bed?"
"Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess he would."

"If I died and you remarried, and he lived in this house and slept in our bed, would he use my golf clubs?"
"Oh, no!" the wife replies. "He's left-handed!"
+1 more for the chemistry reference ahead of a joke about "chemistry". Is it even possible to take Latin in school anymore?

How is "sinister" a chemistry reference?  Latin reference, sure.  But Chemistry?
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #123 on: September 24, 2012, 04:35:31 pm »
+1

How did a conversation about left-handers show up in a joke thread? Must be some sort of sinister plot.

To tie the two together, here is a joke I copied directly from some website.

A husband asks his wife, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?"
"After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship."

"If I died and you remarried," the husband asks, "would he live in this house?"
"We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess he would."

"If I died and you remarried, and he lived in this house," the husband asks, "would he sleep in our bed?"
"Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess he would."

"If I died and you remarried, and he lived in this house and slept in our bed, would he use my golf clubs?"
"Oh, no!" the wife replies. "He's left-handed!"
+1 more for the chemistry reference ahead of a joke about "chemistry". Is it even possible to take Latin in school anymore?

How is "sinister" a chemistry reference?  Latin reference, sure.  But Chemistry?
It's used in a naming convention for enantiomers. "Right-handed" molecules are labeled with R, for the rectus, and "left-handed' molecules are labeled with S, for sinister.

See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chirality_(chemistry) in the section under "Naming Conventions".

Edit: Actually, this may be better:

http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/Organic_Chemistry/Chirality/R-S_notational_system
« Last Edit: September 24, 2012, 04:36:40 pm by SwitchedFromStarcraft »
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #124 on: September 24, 2012, 04:40:16 pm »
0

Sinister is also what makes Ozle's #95 funny, otherwise it's either a tease or an editorial comment.
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #125 on: September 24, 2012, 04:57:20 pm »
+1

Sinister is also what makes Ozle's #95 funny, otherwise it's either a tease or an editorial comment.
Sinister was used for left-handedness for much more things outside of chemistry.

"The Latin word sinistra meant "left" as well as "unlucky""
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #126 on: September 24, 2012, 06:20:01 pm »
0

The fork transfer forces you to eat slower, so I've heard that it is an etiquette thing.  The alternative explanation is that it's a way to ferret out British spies during the American Revolution but that seems pretty dubious.

Hey, it worked in Inglourious Basterds when the British agent used the wrong way to gesture for "three."

Although, I've grown up with sign language, so I still don't get the hang of how "three" is normally presented. It looks like W.

what does six look like to you then
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #127 on: September 24, 2012, 08:01:39 pm »
+5

to appreciate this joke fully, say the answers outloud.


what do you call four spanish-speaking people in quicksand? cuatro cinco

what do you call four french felines in quicksand? quatre cinq

what do you call four americans in quicksand? four five
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #128 on: September 24, 2012, 08:31:58 pm »
0

The fork transfer forces you to eat slower, so I've heard that it is an etiquette thing.  The alternative explanation is that it's a way to ferret out British spies during the American Revolution but that seems pretty dubious.

Hey, it worked in Inglourious Basterds when the British agent used the wrong way to gesture for "three."

Although, I've grown up with sign language, so I still don't get the hang of how "three" is normally presented. It looks like W.

what does six look like to you then

Six has the thumb and pinky touching. Not a big deal.

Though there's still the similarity between 2 and V.
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #129 on: September 24, 2012, 08:35:43 pm »
0

The fork transfer forces you to eat slower, so I've heard that it is an etiquette thing.  The alternative explanation is that it's a way to ferret out British spies during the American Revolution but that seems pretty dubious.

Hey, it worked in Inglourious Basterds when the British agent used the wrong way to gesture for "three."

Although, I've grown up with sign language, so I still don't get the hang of how "three" is normally presented. It looks like W.

what does six look like to you then

Six has the thumb and pinky touching. Not a big deal.

Though there's still the similarity between 2 and V.

whoa, you can hold up those 3 fingers to make a "W" without your thumb and pinky touching?

i can't
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #130 on: September 25, 2012, 04:34:01 am »
0

Sinister is also what makes Ozle's #95 funny, otherwise it's either a tease or an editorial comment.
Sinister was used for left-handedness for much more things outside of chemistry.

"The Latin word sinistra meant "left" as well as "unlucky""

I knew the latin bit, which I assume the chemistry comes from

Its also a well known Fact that left handed people are evil, all the great evil people in history were left handed, there has been a bit of a cover up I am sure, but its well known anyway.
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #131 on: September 25, 2012, 08:45:36 am »
0

whoa, you can hold up those 3 fingers to make a "W" without your thumb and pinky touching?

i can't

Sure, they're technically touching in a W, but when a person refers to fingers touching, he normally means fingertips. At least I did.

And that is what makes 6 different from W.
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #132 on: September 25, 2012, 09:32:08 am »
0

Sinister is also what makes Ozle's #95 funny, otherwise it's either a tease or an editorial comment.
Sinister was used for left-handedness for much more things outside of chemistry.

"The Latin word sinistra meant "left" as well as "unlucky""

I knew the latin bit, which I assume the chemistry comes from

Its also a well known Fact that left handed people are evil, all the great evil people in history were left handed, there has been a bit of a cover up I am sure, but its well known anyway.

Including 5 of the last 7 US Presidents and 7 of the last twelve (with no correlation to party affiliation).
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #133 on: September 25, 2012, 09:36:51 am »
+4

See, the more you look into it, the more I am right!
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #134 on: September 26, 2012, 03:47:45 pm »
+4

An oldie:

A bear and a rabbit were taking a dump in the forest. The bear looks over at the rabbit and asks, "Do you have trouble with shit sticking to your fur?"

The rabbit indignantly replied, "No, I do not!"

So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #135 on: September 27, 2012, 08:26:38 am »
+3

Another mathy one. Not laugh out loud hilarious but I like it:

One alien says to another, "Look, there are 11 zorgaks over there."

The other alien replies, "No, I clearly see 23 of them."

The first says, "Oh, I see. You must use base 4 on your planet. Here we use base 10."

The second then says, "I use base 10 also. What the hell is a 4?"

This was originally posted as a Cowbirds in Love comic:

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #136 on: September 27, 2012, 02:56:40 pm »
0

So, US vs EU thing:  How many righties use their left hand for eating?  Lots (lots) of Americans, when eating meat, will use their right hand for cutting meat with a knife, then set down the fork and transfer it to their right hand.  Anyone else seen this?

No, I eat the proper way, except reversed, knife in left, fork in right.

I've seen people do it, it's meh.
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #137 on: September 27, 2012, 04:08:59 pm »
0

Another mathy one. Not laugh out loud hilarious but I like it:

One alien says to another, "Look, there are 11 zorgaks over there."

The other alien replies, "No, I clearly see 23 of them."

The first says, "Oh, I see. You must use base 4 on your planet. Here we use base 10."

The second then says, "I use base 10 also. What the hell is a 4?"

This was originally posted as a Cowbirds in Love comic:



Thank you! I was totally blanking on where I had gotten it from.
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #138 on: September 27, 2012, 04:21:12 pm »
+2

Thank you for reminding me CiL exists. I just read the last like year of updates.
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #139 on: September 28, 2012, 02:02:41 am »
+10

One time I entered ten different puns to a joke contest, hoping one of them would win.  Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #140 on: September 28, 2012, 10:53:18 pm »
+4

I just had a reddit-level pun exchange with my brother via text. It began with him telling me "No gourd deed goes unpumpkined" and just got much, much worse from there.
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thirtyseven

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #141 on: October 22, 2012, 09:58:16 am »
+10

Would you be able to go to school for one semester debt-free if you had $25,000, tuition cost $13,000, and room cost $7,000?

Depends on the board!                               
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Kuildeous

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #142 on: October 22, 2012, 10:40:11 am »
+1

What do Arkansas* families like to do at Halloween?

Pumpkin

*If you are from Arkansas, please insert West Virginia or other inappropriately stereotypical locale.
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #143 on: October 22, 2012, 04:42:17 pm »
+6

In the deep jungles of darkest Africa lived a wild native tribe, with a prideful chief. He lorded over his subjects day after day from atop his throne of mud. One day, one of his weary subjects said to the chief, "Wise One, though your throne is large, it is of such poor material. Would you not look even mightier atop a sturdier throne?"

The chief took these words to heart, and that very day ordered his people to construct him a new throne of wood. Proud and regal sat he upon it, until the same subject approached him once more. "What a great sturdy throne, Wise One, but would you not look more wealthy were your throne more ostentatious?" And so the Chief orders a new throne constructed of bronze.

This continues, day after day, with thrones of bone, of silver, of gold, and evermore, and each day, his people provide him with a new throne, and take the old to store them in the attic of the Wise One's grass hut. One night, however, the weight above the Chief as he slept was too much, and the structure collapsed, killing the Chief.

The moral? Those who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
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thirtyseven

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #144 on: October 24, 2012, 12:49:20 am »
+15

There was a tree who wanted to travel the world, so he packed his trunk and left the forest. A ways off, he suddenly encountered a man holding a chainsaw with several dead trees stacked up behind him!

The tree was petrified. The chainsaw-wielding man threatened, "Take me to your forest, or I will chop you down and put you with the others!"

The tree could not outrun the man so he had a choice to make, spare his own life and have his family killed, or wind up dead on a mound of other dead trees. With sap dripping from his eyes, he went for the tree-pile ending.                                               
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #145 on: October 24, 2012, 01:56:37 am »
+1

With the number of piles he must of emptied, I wouldnt be suprised if that man was a Woodcutter.
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #146 on: October 24, 2012, 02:28:21 am »
0

With the number of piles he must of emptied, I wouldnt be suprised if that man was a Woodcutter.
Woodcutter helps empty piles?
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Mad, I tell you.

Maaaaaaaaaaaaad." -Voltgloss
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eHalcyon

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #147 on: October 24, 2012, 04:21:50 am »
+4

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Kuildeous

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #148 on: October 24, 2012, 08:51:08 am »
+4

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Ozle

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #149 on: October 24, 2012, 08:55:28 am »
+4

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #150 on: October 24, 2012, 09:41:33 am »
+4

must of

*twitch*

eHalcyon, may I axe you what's wrong?

I think he has seen a problem on there post
Oh, come on. Your just doing that for spite now. Its not funny any more.
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #151 on: October 24, 2012, 09:46:31 am »
+3

must of

*twitch*

eHalcyon, may I axe you what's wrong?

I think he has seen a problem on there post
Oh, come on. Your just doing that for spite now. Its not funny any more.

Yeah, but to get that many responses it must of been funny the first time. It's either that, witch is possible, oar their all crazy. Weather you prefer the first or second is up to yew.
« Last Edit: October 24, 2012, 09:49:03 am by Galzria »
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Quote from: Voltgloss
Derphammering is when quickhammers go derp.


Blitz:
TOWN Wins: ZM11, ZM13
TOWN Losses: ZM3, ZM5, ZM6, ZM8, ZM9, ZM10
SCUM Wins: ZM1
SCUM Losses: ZM4

Total Wins: 3
Total Losses: 7

Normal Games:
TOWN Wins: M3, M5, M6, M11, M17, M28, M32, M105, M108
TOWN Losses: M4, M7, M8, M9, M13, M14, M18, M31
SCUM Wins: M2, M19, M23, M100
SCUM Losses: M15 (SK), M102 (Traitor)

Total Wins: 13
Total Losses: 10

Other:
TOWN Wins: DM1, BM4, BM4, BM5, BM8, BM13, DoM1, OZ2, RM45
TOWN Losses: BM1, BM2, BM3, BM6, BM11, RM3, RM4
SCUM Wins: DM3, BM7, RM1, RM2
SCUM Losses: BM9, OZ1

Total Wins: 13
Total Losses: 9

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #152 on: October 24, 2012, 10:17:47 am »
0

must of

*twitch*

eHalcyon, may I axe you what's wrong?

I think he has seen a problem on there post
Oh, come on. Your just doing that for spite now. Its not funny any more.

Yeah, but to get that many responses it must of been funny the first time. It's either that, witch is possible, oar their all crazy. Weather you prefer the first or second is up to yew.

lawl
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #153 on: October 24, 2012, 10:27:30 am »
0

must of

*twitch*

eHalcyon, may I axe you what's wrong?

I think he has seen a problem on there post
Oh, come on. Your just doing that for spite now. Its not funny any more.

Yeah, but to get that many responses it must of been funny the first time. It's either that, witch is possible, oar their all crazy. Weather you prefer the first or second is up to yew.

lawl
64 20 77 61 79 73 2c 20 61 6e 64 20 74 68 61 74 e2 80 99 73 20 6a 75 73 74 20 77 69 74 68 20 6d 79 20 62 61 72 65 20 68 61 6e 64 73 2e 20 4e 6f 74 20 6f 6e 6c 79 20 61 6d 20 49 20 65 78 74 65 6e 73 69 76 65 6c 79 20 74 72 61 69 6e 65 64 20 69 6e 20 75 6e 61 72 6d 65 64 20 63 6f 6d 62 61 74 2c 20 62 75 74 20 49 20 68 61 76 65 20 61 63 63 65 73 73 20 74 6f 20 74 68 65 20 65 6e 74 69 72 65 20 61 72 73 65 6e 61 6c 20 6f 66 20 74 68 65 20 55 6e 69 74 65 64 20 53 74 61 74 65 73 20 4d 61 72 69 6e 65 20 43 6f 72 70 73 20 61 6e 64 20 49 20 77 69 6c 6c 20 75 73 65 20 69 74 20 74 6f 20 69 74 73 20 66 75 6c 6c 20 65 78 74 65 6e 74 20 74 6f 20 77 69 70 65 20 79 6f 75 72 20 6d 69 73 65 72 61 62 6c 65 20 61 73 73 20 6f 66 66 20 74 68 65 20 66 61 63 65 20 6f 66 20 74 68 65 20 63 6f 6e 74 69 6e 65 6e 74 2c 20 79 6f 75 20 6c 69 74 74 6c 65 20 73 68 69 74 2e 20 49 66 20 6f 6e 6c 79 20 79 6f 75 20 63 6f 75 6c 64 20 68 61 76 65 20 6b 6e 6f 77 6e 20 77 68 61 74 20 75 6e 68 6f 6c 79 20 72 65 74 72 69 62 75 74 69 6f 6e 20 79 6f 75 72 20 6c 69 74 74 6c 65 20 e2 80 9c 63 6c 65 76 65 72 e2 80 9d 20 63 6f 6d 6d 65 6e 74 20 77 61 73 20 61 62 6f 75 74 20 74 6f 20 62 72 69 6e 67 20 64 6f 77 6e 20 75 70 6f 6e 20 79 6f 75 2c 20 6d 61 79 62 65 20 79 6f 75 20 77 6f 75 6c 64 20 68 61 76 65 20 68 65 6c 64 20 79 6f 75 72 20 66 75 63 6b 69 6e 67 20 74 6f 6e 67 75 65 2e 20 42 75 74 20 79 6f 75 20 63 6f 75 6c 64 6e e2 80 99 74 2c 20 79 6f 75 20 64 69 64 6e e2 80 99 74 2c 20 61 6e 64 20 6e 6f 77 20 79 6f 75 e2 80 99 72 65 20 70 61 79 69 6e 67 20 74 68 65 20 70 72 69 63 65 2c 20 79 6f 75 20 67 6f 64 64 61 6d 6e 20 69 64 69 6f 74 2e 20 49 20 77 69 6c 6c 20 73 68 69 74 20 66 75 72 79 20 61 6c 6c 20 6f 76 65 72 20 79 6f 75 20 61 6e 64 20 79 6f 75 20 77 69 6c 6c 20 64 72 6f 77 6e 20 69 6e 20 69 74 2e 20 59 6f 75 e2 80 99 72 65 20 66 75 63 6b 69 6e 67 20 64 65 61 64 2c 20 6b 69 64 64 6f 2e
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #154 on: October 24, 2012, 10:46:30 am »
+1

must of

*twitch*

eHalcyon, may I axe you what's wrong?

I think he has seen a problem on there post
Oh, come on. Your just doing that for spite now. Its not funny any more.

Yeah, but to get that many responses it must of been funny the first time. It's either that, witch is possible, oar their all crazy. Weather you prefer the first or second is up to yew.

lawl
64 20 77 61 79 73 2c 20 61 6e 64 20 74 68 61 74 e2 80 99 73 20 6a 75 73 74 20 77 69 74 68 20 6d 79 20 62 61 72 65 20 68 61 6e 64 73 2e 20 4e 6f 74 20 6f 6e 6c 79 20 61 6d 20 49 20 65 78 74 65 6e 73 69 76 65 6c 79 20 74 72 61 69 6e 65 64 20 69 6e 20 75 6e 61 72 6d 65 64 20 63 6f 6d 62 61 74 2c 20 62 75 74 20 49 20 68 61 76 65 20 61 63 63 65 73 73 20 74 6f 20 74 68 65 20 65 6e 74 69 72 65 20 61 72 73 65 6e 61 6c 20 6f 66 20 74 68 65 20 55 6e 69 74 65 64 20 53 74 61 74 65 73 20 4d 61 72 69 6e 65 20 43 6f 72 70 73 20 61 6e 64 20 49 20 77 69 6c 6c 20 75 73 65 20 69 74 20 74 6f 20 69 74 73 20 66 75 6c 6c 20 65 78 74 65 6e 74 20 74 6f 20 77 69 70 65 20 79 6f 75 72 20 6d 69 73 65 72 61 62 6c 65 20 61 73 73 20 6f 66 66 20 74 68 65 20 66 61 63 65 20 6f 66 20 74 68 65 20 63 6f 6e 74 69 6e 65 6e 74 2c 20 79 6f 75 20 6c 69 74 74 6c 65 20 73 68 69 74 2e 20 49 66 20 6f 6e 6c 79 20 79 6f 75 20 63 6f 75 6c 64 20 68 61 76 65 20 6b 6e 6f 77 6e 20 77 68 61 74 20 75 6e 68 6f 6c 79 20 72 65 74 72 69 62 75 74 69 6f 6e 20 79 6f 75 72 20 6c 69 74 74 6c 65 20 e2 80 9c 63 6c 65 76 65 72 e2 80 9d 20 63 6f 6d 6d 65 6e 74 20 77 61 73 20 61 62 6f 75 74 20 74 6f 20 62 72 69 6e 67 20 64 6f 77 6e 20 75 70 6f 6e 20 79 6f 75 2c 20 6d 61 79 62 65 20 79 6f 75 20 77 6f 75 6c 64 20 68 61 76 65 20 68 65 6c 64 20 79 6f 75 72 20 66 75 63 6b 69 6e 67 20 74 6f 6e 67 75 65 2e 20 42 75 74 20 79 6f 75 20 63 6f 75 6c 64 6e e2 80 99 74 2c 20 79 6f 75 20 64 69 64 6e e2 80 99 74 2c 20 61 6e 64 20 6e 6f 77 20 79 6f 75 e2 80 99 72 65 20 70 61 79 69 6e 67 20 74 68 65 20 70 72 69 63 65 2c 20 79 6f 75 20 67 6f 64 64 61 6d 6e 20 69 64 69 6f 74 2e 20 49 20 77 69 6c 6c 20 73 68 69 74 20 66 75 72 79 20 61 6c 6c 20 6f 76 65 72 20 79 6f 75 20 61 6e 64 20 79 6f 75 20 77 69 6c 6c 20 64 72 6f 77 6e 20 69 6e 20 69 74 2e 20 59 6f 75 e2 80 99 72 65 20 66 75 63 6b 69 6e 67 20 64 65 61 64 2c 20 6b 69 64 64 6f 2e

Hey, Im not a kiddo!  I don't care if you are a badass.
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Kuildeous

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #155 on: October 24, 2012, 03:36:03 pm »
+10

In honor of eHalcyon, I present this old joke. It really works better when spoken aloud, but you should get the gist.


Bob and Frank were walking down a beach when they saw a stunningly beautiful woman eyeing them. Seductively, she removes her t-shirt, revealing a tantalizing bikini top.

Frank elbows Bob and says, "Hey, Bob. That girl is checking you out, and she's showing off that great rack. You should take off your shirt and show her your chest.

Bob agrees and removes his shirt in kind. The woman flutters her eyelashes at Bob in approval and then pulls down her shorts, leaving her in nothing but a bikini.

Frank's eyes pop out of his head, and he says, "Man, that is a sweet ass. Bob, you should flex for her. Show her your muscles."

So Bob flexes and shows the woman what 2 hours a day in a gym looks like.

By this point, the woman is definitely interested in Bob, and she demonstrates this by undoing her bikini top and presenting her bare breasts to the two men.

Frank incredulously stammers, "Holy shit, Bob. Those are gorgeous. You've got to show her your nuts!"

So Bob goes on a rampage and shoots up a shopping mall.
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theory

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #156 on: October 24, 2012, 03:59:38 pm »
+12

Along a similar vein of "jokes better told in person"...

Two whales walk into a bar. The first turns to the bartender and says, "WHOOOOOOOEEEE EEeEeeeeeeeeeoooooooo wwobwoobwoob! WwoooooooEEEEEEEEEEEEee eee woobwoobwoobwoob! Oooooooeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ooooooooo! Weeee weeeee wooooo ooob ooobooobooob!"

The second whale sighs and says, "Shut up Frank, you're drunk."
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Ozle

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #157 on: October 24, 2012, 05:41:43 pm »
+2

and a similar one

Man walks into a bar...and asks for a beer.

 As the barman is pouring it the bloke hears a voice. "Nice suit mate. Bet you pull tonight."

 He asks the barman if he'd said anything. The barman says no. Again he hears a voice.

 "The aftershave is nifty as well. You won't fail tonight."

 The barman again denies he's said anything and gives the guy his beer.

 Somewhat shattered, the guy decides he's going to have start smoking again. He walks up to the fag machine.

 "Fuck off you cock. Don't you realise smoking will kill you? What a f*cking loser you are. Piss off and leave me alone," the machine says.

 Now the guy is well worried and says to the barman. "Look I'll know you'll think I'm mad but ever since I've come in here, I've been hearing voices. One was saying nice things about the suit and then the cigarette machine started abusing me."

 "I do apologise sir," says the barman. "The peanuts are complementary and the cigarette machine is out of order...."
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SwitchedFromStarcraft

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #158 on: October 24, 2012, 05:48:42 pm »
0

complementary

*twitch*

(Sorry, couldn't give a second upvote to the original occurrence.)
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #159 on: October 24, 2012, 06:28:13 pm »
+1

With the number of piles he must of emptied, I wouldnt be suprised if that man was a Woodcutter.
Woodcutter helps empty piles?
It has ever since it has had a +Buy.
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theory

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #160 on: October 24, 2012, 06:31:57 pm »
+7

Given that Apple's last two hardware technologies are named Thunderbolt and Lightning, I expect the next one to be named Very Very Frightening.

Did you hear that Al Gore is trying his hand at music?  His band is called Algorithms.
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Captain_Frisk

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #161 on: October 24, 2012, 06:32:16 pm »
+6


 "Fuck off you cock. Don't you realise smoking will kill you? What a f*cking loser you are. Piss off and leave me alone," the machine says.

Is anyone else amused by the inconsistent censorship here?
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #162 on: October 24, 2012, 06:32:59 pm »
0


 "Fuck off you cock. Don't you realise smoking will kill you? What a f*cking loser you are. Piss off and leave me alone," the machine says.

Is anyone else amused by the inconsistent censorship here?

Boredom + copy/Paste + ipad
« Last Edit: October 24, 2012, 06:37:43 pm by Ozle »
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theory

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #163 on: October 24, 2012, 06:36:23 pm »
+7

A pair of PG-13/R-rated jokes:

A woman is in a coma with apparently little hope of recovery.  But a nurse, while sponge-bathing her, noticed a bit of brain activity when they washed between her legs.  They tried it again, and sure enough, there was definitely some activity, but not enough to wake her.

So the doctor went to her husband and told him, "Look, maybe this won't work, but based on some of the things we did, we think, maybe, some oral sex could help bring your wife out of her coma."  The husband was skeptical, but let himself be convinced.  What was there to lose?

The nurses took him to his wife’s room and explained that they would leave them alone so they could have more privacy, but would be checking her vitals in the other room for any reaction.

After a few minutes the monitor’s alarm goes off and she flatlines – no pulse, no heartbeat, nothing!

The nurses panic and run into the room.  "What happened?!"

The husband replies, "I don't know!  I think she choked ..."

===

A married couple of 20 years were as normal as could be, bar one little quirk the husband had in the bedroom.

He'd only have sex with the lights off.

The wife assumed he merely had some shame in the penile department, but she loved him, so happily obliged. An added bonus was that it felt like he was actually reasonably well-equipped downstairs, so everything was good.

However, 20 years of blind sex took its toll on her and their relationship. In the middle of one of their love-making sessions, the wife dived for the lamp and turned on the light.

She saw her husband with his pants on and a dildo in hand.

There was a brief moment of silence, then the wife sternly stated, "You have some explaining to do."

The husband looked her dead in the eye and said, "I'll explain this when you explain the kids".
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jotheonah

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #164 on: October 24, 2012, 06:39:13 pm »
+3

Given that Apple's last two hardware technologies are named Thunderbolt and Lightning, I expect the next one to be named Very Very Frightening.

When I first sent my older brother a gmail invitation, he looked at me with a perfectly straight face and said "gmail? I completely missed fmail!"
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theory

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #165 on: October 24, 2012, 06:39:51 pm »
+6

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blond replies....."Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

===

Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he as feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.  And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sat up and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

He looked around the room and saw that it was in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So was the rest of the house. He took the aspirins, and cringed when he saw a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.

Then he noticed a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!"

He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son was also at the table, eating.

Jack asked, "Son, what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??

His son replied, "Oh THAT! Mum dragged you to the bathroom to clean you up, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!"
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #166 on: October 24, 2012, 06:42:15 pm »
0

.
« Last Edit: July 19, 2013, 10:11:40 am by () | (_) ^/ »
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theory

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #167 on: December 20, 2012, 07:52:06 pm »
+1

I can't believe I only discovered http://liblr.com/popular today
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Axxle

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #168 on: December 20, 2012, 08:23:09 pm »
0

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #169 on: December 20, 2012, 08:42:37 pm »
+2

FEEDMEMORE
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SwitchedFromStarcraft

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #170 on: December 20, 2012, 08:53:37 pm »
+1

I can't believe I only discovered http://liblr.com/popular today
I am so freakin' old.
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #171 on: December 20, 2012, 09:32:18 pm »
0

I can't believe I only discovered http://liblr.com/popular today

I don't get it.
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #172 on: December 20, 2012, 09:34:09 pm »
+1

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #173 on: December 20, 2012, 09:35:53 pm »
0

.
« Last Edit: July 19, 2013, 12:27:04 pm by () | (_) ^/ »
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SwitchedFromStarcraft

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #174 on: December 20, 2012, 09:44:09 pm »
+1

I can't believe I only discovered http://liblr.com/popular today

I don't get it.
Precisely my point.

Fair enough.  Have an old curmudgeon +1.  It's on me.  ;D
Why thank you so much.  Have a dram of Tomatin 25. It's on me.

Uh, can you scoot that glass a little closer?
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Drab Emordnilap

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #175 on: December 20, 2012, 11:17:15 pm »
+1

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #176 on: December 20, 2012, 11:23:41 pm »
+2

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Derphammering is when quickhammers go derp.


Blitz:
TOWN Wins: ZM11, ZM13
TOWN Losses: ZM3, ZM5, ZM6, ZM8, ZM9, ZM10
SCUM Wins: ZM1
SCUM Losses: ZM4

Total Wins: 3
Total Losses: 7

Normal Games:
TOWN Wins: M3, M5, M6, M11, M17, M28, M32, M105, M108
TOWN Losses: M4, M7, M8, M9, M13, M14, M18, M31
SCUM Wins: M2, M19, M23, M100
SCUM Losses: M15 (SK), M102 (Traitor)

Total Wins: 13
Total Losses: 10

Other:
TOWN Wins: DM1, BM4, BM4, BM5, BM8, BM13, DoM1, OZ2, RM45
TOWN Losses: BM1, BM2, BM3, BM6, BM11, RM3, RM4
SCUM Wins: DM3, BM7, RM1, RM2
SCUM Losses: BM9, OZ1

Total Wins: 13
Total Losses: 9

Kuildeous

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #177 on: January 17, 2013, 12:14:41 pm »
0

Blessed be Prometheus for bringing us fire. For his sacrifice, he shall be delivered day after day.
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #178 on: January 25, 2013, 08:05:33 pm »
0

Someone needs to be awake and talkative.
Had far too much beer and cider and if I go to bed now i'll have a wicked hangover in the morning!
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #179 on: January 25, 2013, 11:50:20 pm »
+3

that is exactly what the drinking thread is for man! This thread is for jokes!
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #180 on: January 26, 2013, 06:45:20 am »
0

that is exactly what the drinking thread is for man! This thread is for jokes!

Yeah, to be honest, I couldn't find it last night while drunk (until Grujah posted in it). I thought this was the Random talk thread! haha
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #181 on: January 26, 2013, 10:58:40 am »
0

we are a sorry bunch on a Friday night.
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #182 on: January 26, 2013, 11:04:39 am »
0

in my defence, it was 2am in the morning!
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #183 on: January 27, 2013, 09:37:15 am »
+1

Now that I'm in music, I can make some jokes in that regard, though I'm not involved with orchestral music so much, so I have no business telling this joke.


How do you get two piccolo players in tune?

Shoot one of them.
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theory

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #185 on: January 27, 2013, 11:16:42 am »
0

What do you call a guy who hangs around with musicians?

The drummer.

(I feel justified making this one because I kinda play drums)
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But not strictly better, because the spinoff can have a different cost than the expansion.
I hereby declare myself the best dominion player in the world. Obviously.

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #186 on: January 27, 2013, 05:18:18 pm »
0

If you are into obscure music jokes, I suggest Don't Shoot the Pianist.

e.g. http://euge.ca/2012/09/16/birthday/
http://euge.ca/2012/05/18/octave/
http://euge.ca/2012/05/04/three-hands/
http://euge.ca/2012/01/13/interruption/

Out of curiosity, for those of us that never took solfège lessons, which... err... scores (?) are played in "octave" you linked to, and in "coping" (http://euge.ca/2011/12/23/coping/) ?
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #187 on: January 27, 2013, 07:30:30 pm »
+4

Ok here goes:

A symphony is playing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. Unfortunately, the string bass part on that piece has a really long stretch or rest. On day the bassists are shooting the shit during rehearsal, and one of them says "If we leave at the start of the rest, we can probably get a beer next door and get back in time to play."
The other says "I don't think we could quite make it, but I've got an idea. Maybe we can buy a little time if we tie some pages of the conductors music together. That way while he's fiddling with the knots we can get back."
So the basses went out, and one drink turned into two, and they only made it back right as the conductor got to the tied together pages. And the orchestra was really in trouble, because it was the bottom of the ninth, the basses were loaded, and the score was tied!
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #188 on: January 27, 2013, 07:36:44 pm »
+1

The interruption one went viral a while ago... and I didn't understand the others at all.

What's the difference between a trombone and an onion?  No one cries when you slice up a trombone.
What's the difference between a trombone and a tuba?  The tuba holds more beer.
What's the difference between a violin and an onion? I'd rather listen to someone new to music play the onion.
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #189 on: January 27, 2013, 07:46:34 pm »
+3

How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Oh, they have a machine that does that now.

How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one, he holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.
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theory

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #190 on: January 27, 2013, 07:51:25 pm »
0

If you are into obscure music jokes, I suggest Don't Shoot the Pianist.

e.g. http://euge.ca/2012/09/16/birthday/
http://euge.ca/2012/05/18/octave/
http://euge.ca/2012/05/04/three-hands/
http://euge.ca/2012/01/13/interruption/

Out of curiosity, for those of us that never took solfège lessons, which... err... scores (?) are played in "octave" you linked to, and in "coping" (http://euge.ca/2011/12/23/coping/) ?

Octave is Chopin's Fantasie-Impromptu:

Coping is Grieg's Piano Concerto
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #191 on: January 27, 2013, 07:53:06 pm »
+5

Music jokes?  You guys in some Band of Misfits?
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #192 on: January 28, 2013, 09:26:13 am »
+2

Music jokes?  You guys in some Band of Misfits?

I was, but I went to an Island and lost track of myself.
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theory

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #193 on: January 31, 2013, 02:01:12 pm »
+10

So Werner Heisenberg is driving down the road when he gets pulled over for speeding. The officer asks him if he knows how fast he was going. Heisenberg responds with, 'No, but I know where I am.'

The officer says, "Sir, you were going at 80 miles per hour!"

Heisenberg says, "Great, now I'm lost!"
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #194 on: January 31, 2013, 02:48:19 pm »
+1

When I played Flash Point (the real-life version and not this online version that's going to kick our ass), I was the Imaging Specialist and revealed an unknown blip to be the cat.

The fire next to it exploded, killing the cat.

I had to make a joke related to not knowing the state of the cat and dooming it.
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Drab Emordnilap

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #195 on: January 31, 2013, 02:58:07 pm »
0

http://liblr.com/twitter/the%20apocalypse/losing%20my%20virginity

Just saying, this is still a never ending font of comedy gold.

Quote
sighs so hard it causes a hurricane and mountains fall and antarctica breaks in half and it's suddenly losing my virginity

Quote
I think it might be losing my virginity because Amazon is down. Just saying.

Quote
"Setting a date for losing my virginity has historically never worked" -Dr. Pak "doesn't work for anniversaries, either" #colbysays

Quote
New stock just in! MARTIRE 'Brutal Legions Of losing my virginity' LP on NWN! Prod !! NZ$20 + shipping!


Also, NSFW? Explicit language, anyways.

#loveit when boys have the biggest smile after fisting you

RT @aceteague: Cuddling is cute and fun. Until the fisting happens... Then... well, shit gets real...
« Last Edit: January 31, 2013, 03:04:08 pm by Drab Emordnilap »
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Drab Emordnilap

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #196 on: January 31, 2013, 02:59:28 pm »
+1

When I played Flash Point (the real-life version and not this online version that's going to kick our ass), I was the Imaging Specialist and revealed an unknown blip to be the cat.

The fire next to it exploded, killing the cat.

I had to make a joke related to not knowing the state of the cat and dooming it.

I had to read it three times before I understood that by "real-life version", you meant the physical board game, as opposed to actually being a firefighter. A firefighter who explodes cats, and jokes about it.
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #197 on: January 31, 2013, 05:18:29 pm »
0

http://liblr.com/twitter/the%20apocalypse/losing%20my%20virginity

Just saying, this is still a never ending font of comedy gold

....

Quote
just passed a church sign that said "assault rifles won't save you from losing my virginity, but jesus will."
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...spin-offs are still better for all of the previously cited reasons.
But not strictly better, because the spinoff can have a different cost than the expansion.
I hereby declare myself the best dominion player in the world. Obviously.

Axxle

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« Last Edit: January 31, 2013, 05:36:55 pm by Axxle »
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #199 on: January 31, 2013, 05:35:18 pm »
0

http://liblr.com/4yVDg

Quote
@cromanionfolks Amazing comment on that vid: Tell me little guy, are you the one who said that you fucked people's moms on Goko Dominion?(cont)
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #200 on: February 01, 2013, 10:48:28 am »
0

http://liblr.com/twitter/super%20bowl%20XLVII/2012%20Dominionstrategy.com%20Championships

someday

Hah!

"Highlighting 10 Records that Could Fall During 2012 Dominionstrategy.com Championships"

"The picks are in for 2012 Dominionstrategy.com Championships... Who do the experts like?"  Presumably the answers are in this thread.
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SirPeebles

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #201 on: February 01, 2013, 10:50:34 am »
0

http://liblr.com/twitter/super%20bowl%20XLVII/2012%20Dominionstrategy.com%20Championships

someday

Hah!

"Highlighting 10 Records that Could Fall During 2012 Dominionstrategy.com Championships"

"The picks are in for 2012 Dominionstrategy.com Championships... Who do the experts like?"  Presumably the answers are in this thread.

Who will lespeutere's 10,000th game be with?
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #202 on: March 15, 2013, 11:26:27 am »
+6

I just saw commercials for McDonald's, Dr. Scholl's, and the St. Louis tourism board. Looks like Arch Adness has begun.
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #203 on: March 15, 2013, 11:46:16 am »
+1

I just saw commercials for McDonald's, Dr. Scholl's, and the St. Louis tourism board. Looks like Arch Adness has begun.

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #204 on: March 15, 2013, 12:24:34 pm »
0

I just saw commercials for McDonald's, Dr. Scholl's, and the St. Louis tourism board. Looks like Arch Adness has begun.

The real trouble is when everyone gets to sick of the ads they decide to turn off their TVs and read Being and Nothingness.

That's when you get the Sartre Sadness.

Brought to you by jokes that only work if you butcher the French language.
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #205 on: March 15, 2013, 01:42:02 pm »
0

That's far cleverer than my follow-up joke about the bird growing into adolescence: Larch Ladness.
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eHalcyon

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #206 on: March 15, 2013, 04:30:39 pm »
0

What about the university whose building design program is no longer recognized by the NAAB? B.Arch. Badness.
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #207 on: March 15, 2013, 04:32:59 pm »
0

Ok, what?
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #208 on: March 15, 2013, 07:04:09 pm »
0

That's far cleverer than my follow-up joke about the bird growing into adolescence: Larch Ladness.

This sounds like a Monty Python bit.
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #209 on: March 15, 2013, 08:01:15 pm »
0

That's far cleverer than my follow-up joke about the bird growing into adolescence: Larch Ladness.

This sounds like a Monty Python bit.

*Slaps him with a fish*
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sudgy

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #210 on: May 11, 2013, 07:14:27 pm »
+1

You want to hear a joke about Potassium?

K.

Do I know any about Sodium?

Na.

What do you do with a dead chemist?

You Barium.

What is the similarity between 16 Sodium atoms and Batman?

Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na BATMAN!
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   Quote from: sudgy on June 31, 2011, 11:47:46 pm

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #211 on: May 11, 2013, 07:14:45 pm »
+3

I would tell you another chemistry joke, but all the good ones argon.
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   Quote from: sudgy on June 31, 2011, 11:47:46 pm

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #212 on: May 11, 2013, 07:30:02 pm »
0

Hey, those belong in the bad puns thread!
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #213 on: May 11, 2013, 07:43:10 pm »
0

Hey, those belong in the bad puns thread!

Some of them didn't, so I put it here.
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   Quote from: sudgy on June 31, 2011, 11:47:46 pm

Galzria

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #214 on: August 22, 2013, 09:23:59 pm »
+7

How many Boy Bands does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
- I don't know. Lightbulbs last longer than Boy Bands.


Marriage is a lot like a deck of cards. See, you start out with 2 Hearts and a Diamond, but by the end you're wishing you had a Club and Spade.


Yeah, we first got together in a chat-room. Then I set up a date via e-mail and we met at a cyber cafe. One thing led to another and we sneaked into a backroom, where she agreed to a download from my hard drive. And afterward we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall and, since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little popup appeared.


In the Programmers dictionary, under Endless Loop, it says: n., see Loop, Endless.
Under Loop, Endless, it says: see Endless Loop.


What did the boy rabbit say to the girl rabbit?
This won't take long...did it?


A lawyer gets sideswiped by a truck, and he yells to a passerby, "Look what he did to my car!" The passerby says, "You're kind of materialistic, you didn't even notice that you just lost your arm" The lawyer says, "Oh my God, my Rolex!"


A father is driving home and suddenly he realizes that he hasn't bought a birthday present for his daughter. So he stops at the toy store and sees the doll in the window and asks, "How much is that Barbie?"  The owner says, "That's gym Barbie, that's $19.95 and that's Barbie at the prom, $19.95, and Barbie at work, $19.95, and that's divorced Barbie, that's $374"
He says "Wait, why is that one $374?"
"Well divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car and Ken's house, and Ken's furniture...."
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Quote from: Voltgloss
Derphammering is when quickhammers go derp.


Blitz:
TOWN Wins: ZM11, ZM13
TOWN Losses: ZM3, ZM5, ZM6, ZM8, ZM9, ZM10
SCUM Wins: ZM1
SCUM Losses: ZM4

Total Wins: 3
Total Losses: 7

Normal Games:
TOWN Wins: M3, M5, M6, M11, M17, M28, M32, M105, M108
TOWN Losses: M4, M7, M8, M9, M13, M14, M18, M31
SCUM Wins: M2, M19, M23, M100
SCUM Losses: M15 (SK), M102 (Traitor)

Total Wins: 13
Total Losses: 10

Other:
TOWN Wins: DM1, BM4, BM4, BM5, BM8, BM13, DoM1, OZ2, RM45
TOWN Losses: BM1, BM2, BM3, BM6, BM11, RM3, RM4
SCUM Wins: DM3, BM7, RM1, RM2
SCUM Losses: BM9, OZ1

Total Wins: 13
Total Losses: 9

Morgrim7

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #215 on: November 04, 2013, 08:00:03 am »
0

Knock Knock...
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I sit here, lost amongst the cloud, that which is the brain of the Morgrim Mod. Perhaps I will learn the inner workings of that storied mind. Perhaps I will simply go mad.

Mad, I tell you.

Maaaaaaaaaaaaad." -Voltgloss
Dominion Notation: http://forum.dominionstrategy.com/index.php?topic=7265.msg206246#msg206246

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #216 on: November 04, 2013, 08:26:41 am »
0

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #217 on: November 04, 2013, 08:32:27 am »
+2

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I currently imagine mail-mi wearing a dark trenchcoat and a bowler hat, hunched over a bit, toothpick in his mouth, holding a gun in his pocket.  One bead of sweat trickling down his nose.

"Behold, your sins are forgiven you; you are clean before me; therefore, lift up your heads and rejoice." - Doctrine and Covenants 110:5

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #220 on: November 05, 2013, 08:23:53 am »
0

Knock Knock...
Who is there?
It's Morgrim7.
MORGRIM7 who?

Because Morgrim7 Morgrim8 Morgrim9!
I dont need to finish me joke now! That was a good one. Trust me though, I would not even think about eating Morgrim9.
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"Oh sweet merciful heavens.

I sit here, lost amongst the cloud, that which is the brain of the Morgrim Mod. Perhaps I will learn the inner workings of that storied mind. Perhaps I will simply go mad.

Mad, I tell you.

Maaaaaaaaaaaaad." -Voltgloss
Dominion Notation: http://forum.dominionstrategy.com/index.php?topic=7265.msg206246#msg206246

Polk5440

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #221 on: November 05, 2013, 03:47:09 pm »
0

And now for some lightbulb jokes:

How many economists does it take to change a lightbulb?
    -- Two. One to assume the existence of a ladder and one to screw in the bulb.

How many Chicago economists does it take to change a lightbulb?
    -- None. If the lightbulb needed changing, the market would have already done it.

How many doctoral students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    -- I'm writing my dissertation on that topic! I'll have an answer for you in 5 years.
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #222 on: November 05, 2013, 04:06:45 pm »
+1

And now for some lightbulb jokes:

How many economists does it take to change a lightbulb?
    -- Two. One to assume the existence of a ladder and one to screw in the bulb.

How many Chicago economists does it take to change a lightbulb?
    -- None. If the lightbulb needed changing, the market would have already done it.

How many doctoral students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    -- I'm writing my dissertation on that topic! I'll have an answer for you in 5 years.

How many Quantum Mechanicists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    -- None. Given enough time, the lightbulb will occur in this state with nonzero probability.
« Last Edit: November 05, 2013, 04:45:00 pm by Witherweaver »
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #223 on: November 05, 2013, 04:15:01 pm »
+1

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.

How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?

VE ARE ASKING ZE QVESTIONS HERE!

How many Vietnam War vets does it take to change a lightbulb?

You couldn't know maaaaan, you weren't there!
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Tables

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #224 on: November 05, 2013, 05:02:34 pm »
+3

How many writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
 Two. One to screw it in most of the way, and one to give it a surprising twist at the end

(Warning: Noticeably British based humour ahead)

How many Liberal Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?
 Five. One to change the lightbulb, and four to explain why change won't occur in a two party system.

How many Conservatives does it take to change a lightbulb?
 CHANGE?                                         

How many taxi drivers does it take to change a lightbulb?
 CHANGE?                       

Oh, and while I'm on the topic of British humour:
Why does the river Mersey run through Liverpool?
 Because if it walked it would get mugged
« Last Edit: November 05, 2013, 05:04:40 pm by Tables »
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...spin-offs are still better for all of the previously cited reasons.
But not strictly better, because the spinoff can have a different cost than the expansion.
I hereby declare myself the best dominion player in the world. Obviously.

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #225 on: November 05, 2013, 05:09:43 pm »
+2

How many fruit flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two.
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #226 on: November 05, 2013, 05:10:16 pm »
+1

How many Dominion players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    It depends on the board.

Already done?
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #227 on: November 05, 2013, 05:22:37 pm »
+2

How many teenagers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One. They hold the lightbulb in the socket and the world revolves around them.
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #228 on: November 05, 2013, 05:26:19 pm »
+1

How many fruit flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two.

I beat you to it over a year ago.

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?            Two                       
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #229 on: November 05, 2013, 05:45:40 pm »
+3

What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married?

Feyoncé
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #230 on: November 05, 2013, 05:51:19 pm »
+8

How many teenage fruit flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Fruit flies have an average lifespan of 30 days and are unlikely to survive to be 13-19 years old.
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jonts26

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #231 on: November 05, 2013, 09:47:49 pm »
+3

How many teenage fruit flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Fruit flies have an average lifespan of 30 days and are unlikely to survive to be 13-19 years old.

Anti-joke thread is this way:
http://forum.dominionstrategy.com/index.php?topic=4584.msg103229#msg103229
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #232 on: November 10, 2013, 09:53:18 pm »
+7

A guy is taking his girlfriend to prom. He goes to the ticket line, waits in the ticket line for a long time, and eventually gets tickets. He wants to rent a limo. He goes to the car rental line, waits in line for a long time, and eventually gets a limo. He wants to buy her flowers. He goes to the florist line, waits in line for a long time, and eventually gets some flowers. At prom, she asks him to go get punch. He goes to the refreshment table and there's no punchline.
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ConMan

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #233 on: November 10, 2013, 10:49:39 pm »
0

A guy is taking his girlfriend to prom. He goes to the ticket line, waits in the ticket line for a long time, and eventually gets tickets. He wants to rent a limo. He goes to the car rental line, waits in line for a long time, and eventually gets a limo. He wants to buy her flowers. He goes to the florist line, waits in line for a long time, and eventually gets some flowers. At prom, she asks him to go get punch. He goes to the refreshment table and there's no punchline.
This exact same joke has just appeared on another forum I'm on (where I'm pretty sure it had been posted previously). Is there any reason it's come back into favour?
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #234 on: November 10, 2013, 10:56:36 pm »
0

A guy is taking his girlfriend to prom. He goes to the ticket line, waits in the ticket line for a long time, and eventually gets tickets. He wants to rent a limo. He goes to the car rental line, waits in line for a long time, and eventually gets a limo. He wants to buy her flowers. He goes to the florist line, waits in line for a long time, and eventually gets some flowers. At prom, she asks him to go get punch. He goes to the refreshment table and there's no punchline.
This exact same joke has just appeared on another forum I'm on (where I'm pretty sure it had been posted previously). Is there any reason it's come back into favour?
I saw it somewhere else and thought it was the funniest thing ever so I posted it here.
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greatexpectations

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #235 on: November 11, 2013, 12:24:43 am »
+3

probably not the first, but dinosaur comics did the joke back in 2006:

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Kirian

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #236 on: November 11, 2013, 12:13:04 pm »
+3

So this guy, Rob, has always been a bit... weird.  He lives way out in the sticks, has a huge wooded lot, a bit suspicious if he didn't also have a pretty high-powered job at a bank.  Odd habits, strange tics, and for some reason he keeps a brick in a fishbowl on his mantle.  It's a strange decoration, but he's always told his friends, "Guys, don't ask about the brick in the fishbowl.  Just... don't."  And they never have, even his best friend, Karl, a psychiatrist.

After a couple years of dating a girl named Julia, she and Rob get married.  Karl is the best man.  He carries her over the threshold of the house, all the standard stuff.  A couple weeks later, figuring that, hey, it's her house too now, she has to know.  When he walks into the room next, she asks, "Rob... why do you keep a brick in that fishbowl?"

And Rob snaps.  Like, 'Hulk smash!' type snaps.  He grabs a poker from the fireplace, catches her right in the neck with it, snaps her neck... she's dead.  No blood or anything.  That night, he drags her out into the woods, dismembers her, digs a ton of holes and scatters the pieces all about the woods.

The next day, he calls the cops.  Julia's missing, obviously.  No sign of a struggle, just disappeared.  Of course the cops search the woods, but Rob's been pretty meticulous; they find nothing.  The case goes cold.  Rob mourns with his friends, helps in searches for a year or so, then starts to move on with his life.  He falls in love again--another Julia, oddly.  A few years later, he marries this Julia.

After a couple of months in his house, she's cleaning up, and takes the brick out of the fishbowl to clean it.  It's really dusty; as far as she can tell it's never been disturbed.  Rob walks into the room.  "You need to put that back in the fishbowl."

Julia turns to him and asks, "Why do you keep this brick in the fishbowl anyway?"

Rob snaps again.  This Julia ends up in small pieces scattered out in the woods.  But the cops, and even Rob's friends, are rightly suspicious.  Two missing wives?  The police take him in for questioning.  During the interrogation, one of the detectives asks the obvious question, and Rob snaps again.  Thankfully for the cops, they're cops, and with no weapons in sight, they're able to tackle Rob and cuff him.  And Rob has a heart attack from the physical strain of straining against the cuffs.  He collapses; they rush him to the hospital.

Meanwhile, the cops take a much better look at the woods than they did before.  They find pieces of the second Julia, and a few bones of the first.  Assaulting an officer, two possible murders; things don't look so great for Rob.  Of course, things don't look so great for him health-wise either.

The next day, Karl, after clearance by the police, goes to talk to Rob, who is handcuffed to the hospital bed, despite being in ICU.  And Rob confesses--to everything, both murders, tells all the details.  Except, of course, the obvious one.

Karl says, "Listen, Rob.  This fishbowl thing.  I mean, I understand now why you didn't want us asking.  I guess maybe it was better that way?  But man, we need to get you some help, even if that help only ends up reaching you in prison.  I'm your best friend, man, I've known you since you were eighteen.  Why, Rob?  Why do you keep that brick in the fishbowl?"

Rob starts to snap, but he's completely restrained, and his body isn't ready for that sort of strain again.  He calms down a bit, then gives Karl a sad look.  "All right.  I suppose... I suppose it can't hurt to tell now."  He sighs, then says nothing; his heart gives out, he codes; the doctors are unable to resuscitate him.  And that's the end of the story.

I learned this one at Scout camp a long time ago. The person telling it has apparently entered it in a "worst joke" competition, and strung the audience along for twenty minutes.  He won, unsurprisingly.

I considered posting this in the anti-joke thread, but I thought that would kind give it away.
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jotheonah

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #237 on: January 24, 2014, 07:02:46 pm »
0

Guys I just made up a new joke.

When is a timeline the same thing as a Venn diagram?

Vhen you're Count Dracula!

Because [dracula voice]a timeline is a diagram zaht shows you vhen things happen[/dracula voice]

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SirPeebles

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #238 on: January 24, 2014, 07:06:47 pm »
0

Guys I just made up a new joke.

When is a timeline the same thing as a Venn diagram?

Vhen you're Count Dracula!

Because [dracula voice]a timeline is a diagram zaht shows you vhen things happen[/dracula voice]

I was about to welcome you back to the forums, then I checked your post history and saw that you've posted over 100 times in the forum games since the start of the year...
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jonts26

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #239 on: January 24, 2014, 07:09:27 pm »
+1

Guys I just made up a new joke.

When is a timeline the same thing as a Venn diagram?

Vhen you're Count Dracula!

Because [dracula voice]a timeline is a diagram zaht shows you vhen things happen[/dracula voice]

We should probably have a separate thread for dad jokes.
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jotheonah

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #240 on: January 24, 2014, 07:11:45 pm »
0

Guys I just made up a new joke.

When is a timeline the same thing as a Venn diagram?

Vhen you're Count Dracula!

Because [dracula voice]a timeline is a diagram zaht shows you vhen things happen[/dracula voice]

I was about to welcome you back to the forums, then I checked your post history and saw that you've posted over 100 times in the forum games since the start of the year...

You can welcome me back to the forum proper. I'm finally leaving my hole.
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jotheonah

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #241 on: January 24, 2014, 07:12:05 pm »
+1

Also, I am not a Dad, but when I am I will be so good at the joke part.
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jotheonah

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #242 on: January 24, 2014, 09:26:05 pm »
+3

Here's an atonement:

What's Gatsby's favorite superhero?

the green lantern

What's Gatsby's least favorite superhero?

deadpool
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eHalcyon

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #243 on: January 26, 2014, 01:59:05 am »
+6


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Tables

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #244 on: January 26, 2014, 04:59:23 pm »
+1

I don't understand this thread.

Could someone explain it to me?
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...spin-offs are still better for all of the previously cited reasons.
But not strictly better, because the spinoff can have a different cost than the expansion.
I hereby declare myself the best dominion player in the world. Obviously.

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #245 on: January 26, 2014, 05:07:01 pm »
0

« Last Edit: January 26, 2014, 05:08:16 pm by jonts26 »
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #246 on: January 26, 2014, 05:17:12 pm »
+2




Those diagrams are in the linear algebra text I taught out of last semester.  David C. Lay's book.
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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #247 on: January 26, 2014, 05:23:33 pm »
0

I don't understand this thread.

Could someone explain it to me?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shear_stress

or possibly: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shear_mapping

Bolded for influence. I'm a mathematician, I better get the Shear joke...
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...spin-offs are still better for all of the previously cited reasons.
But not strictly better, because the spinoff can have a different cost than the expansion.
I hereby declare myself the best dominion player in the world. Obviously.

SirPeebles

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #248 on: January 26, 2014, 05:52:22 pm »
+2

I don't understand this thread.

Could someone explain it to me?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shear_stress

or possibly: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shear_mapping

Bolded for influence. I'm a mathematician, I better get the Shear joke...

After shearing, apply a rotation to spin wool into thread.
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Witherweaver

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #249 on: January 26, 2014, 07:27:55 pm »
0




Those diagrams are in the linear algebra text I taught out of last semester.  David C. Lay's book.

Hahaha, that is awesome.
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Witherweaver

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #250 on: January 26, 2014, 07:30:14 pm »
0

I don't understand this thread.

Could someone explain it to me?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shear_stress

or possibly: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shear_mapping

Bolded for influence. I'm a mathematician, I better get the Shear joke...

It was too subtle of a joke!
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Ozle

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #251 on: January 27, 2014, 08:40:06 am »
+1

I don't understand this thread.

Could someone explain it to me?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shear_stress

or possibly: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shear_mapping

Bolded for influence. I'm a mathematician, I better get the Shear joke...


*assumed everyone was deliberately misinterpreting Tables so he would have to explain*
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Kuildeous

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #252 on: January 27, 2014, 08:47:41 am »
+6

Hate on Hitler all you want, but at least he killed Hitler.

(not mine though I wish it was)
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Kirian

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #253 on: January 27, 2014, 09:09:11 am »
+6

Hate on Hitler all you want, but at least he killed Hitler.

(not mine though I wish it was)


Sure, but he also killed the guy who killed Hitler.  So still a bit of a jerk.

(Also not mine)
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GendoIkari

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #254 on: January 27, 2014, 09:53:16 am »
+2

I don't understand this thread.

Could someone explain it to me?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shear_stress

or possibly: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shear_mapping

Bolded for influence. I'm a mathematician, I better get the Shear joke...


*assumed everyone was deliberately misinterpreting Tables so he would have to explain*

You see, there is a reoccurring joke on this message board that explaining jokes makes them funnier. This meme is often presented in the format of "Can someone please explain this joke to me?" In this case, Tables has applied this meme to this entire thread, because the thread is titled "A joke thread", and it contains a large number of jokes.
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Ozle

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #255 on: January 27, 2014, 12:19:14 pm »
+1

I don't understand this thread.

Could someone explain it to me?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shear_stress

or possibly: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shear_mapping

Bolded for influence. I'm a mathematician, I better get the Shear joke...


*assumed everyone was deliberately misinterpreting Tables so he would have to explain*

You see, there is a reoccurring joke on this message board that explaining jokes makes them funnier. This meme is often presented in the format of "Can someone please explain this joke to me?" In this case, Tables has applied this meme to this entire thread, because the thread is titled "A joke thread", and it contains a large number of jokes.

Yes, thats what my joke was referring too, and the fact that some people had obviously missed that reference.
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Witherweaver

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Re: A joke thread
« Reply #256 on: January 27, 2014, 12:29:37 pm »
+1

I don't understand this thread.

Could someone explain it to me?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shear_stress

or possibly: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shear_mapping

Bolded for influence. I'm a mathematician, I better get the Shear joke...


*assumed everyone was deliberately misinterpreting Tables so he would have to explain*

You see, there is a reoccurring joke on this message board that explaining jokes makes them funnier. This meme is often presented in the format of "Can someone please explain this joke to me?" In this case, Tables has applied this meme to this entire thread, because the thread is titled "A joke thread", and it contains a large number of jokes.

Yes, thats what my joke was referring too, and the fact that some people had obviously missed that reference.

Needs more explaining.
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