More than 60 years after the event, the name "Ozle" still strikes fear in the hearts of all Tuvalu natives, dredging up repressed memories of what became known simply as "The Ozle Incident". Tuvalu, formerly known as the Ellice Islands, had never experienced an incident such as this, yet it was inevitable that it would happen eventually.
In this book I will examine the origins of Ozle and his birthplace and natural habitat, Tuvalu. Primary sources are few and secondary sources are clearly biased, written to please Ozle VI in the seventh century. Through this close examination, I hope to present a picture of the Ozle family and their surroundings through the ages, and attempt to provide context to the infamous "incident" that would occur that fateful day in 2012.
Chapter 1 - Ossle the Oaf, 255-524
The Ellice Islands in the year 255 A.D. were volatile and deadly. Volcanic activity was common and the natives were cannibalistic and ruthless. They called themselves Ossoites, having originated from a large island called Osso that had mysteriously sunk into the ocean in a matter of five days some 150 years prior. When the Ossoite refugees arrived at their new home, they were quickly thrust into an ongoing struggle between two warring factions of dinosaurs, the last of which had survived in the Ellice Islands. With nowhere else to go, the Ossoite king, Roger, did all he could to stay out of the conflict and keep his people out of harm's way, taking shelter in caves and fashioning crude weapons and traps for any dinosaur that happened to stray from the battle in search of food. The Ossoite people survived in this way for the next 200 years until the last of the Dinosaurs died of food poisoning from ingesting stray Ossoites, who had by now discovered a unique toxin their bodies secreted to keep predators at bay.
In the year 477 King Roger V, revered by his people, died without designating an heir. In this era succession to the throne was not necessarily a family affair, but rather was determined by the first person to volunteer to change their name to "Roger", for the glory of the kingdom. The number six being an ill omen and universally regarded as a completely useless number in Ossoite society, nobody would take the crown. The Ossoites were kingless for a time and anarchy reigned. Homes were pillaged, blood fueds festered and crops were burnt to the ground. The only way to restore law and order was for a new king to be risen. But who would dare ascend to the crown with the name Roger VI? Nobody. And so it was that a local oaf, as a result of a drunken game of Truth or Dare, claimed the throne as Ossle. The population was stunned. Roger was all they had known, was all their parents and grandparents had known. Any other names were unthinkable. But in an incredible moment in world history, when all signs pointed to a calamity of immense proportions, a civil war or even a potential self-inflicted eradication of the Ossoite people, nothing happened. Quarrels ceased, crops were grown and harvested in peace, and a golden age for the Ossoites seemed on the horizon. But nobody knew why.
Certainly it wasn't as a result of King Ossle's new policies, for there weren't any. Ossle, as shocked as anyone else, reasoned that if there are no societal issues that he could see from atop his throne, there was no use in putting forth solutions. So he ate, drank, slept, and did little else until his death in 524.
Chapter 2 - The Prophecy, 524-1526
With Ossle's negligence as a foundation for a peaceful and functioning society, lethargy became the order of the day starting with the king and trickling down to the common farmers and laborers of the islands. But a seemingly dormant society can still bring about drastic change, as the Ossoites did in the next millenium. In fact, almost everything changed, most importantly the language. In 1320 a manuscript detailed some of the changes in the last 800 years. The people now referred to themselves as "Ozles". The islands were collectively referred to as Tuvalu, and, most remarkably of all, the number six had fallen into favor. As a result of the latter, every king since Ossle had also been named Ossle, or "Ozle" beginning in the mid-ninth century.
Regardless of these shifts, Ozle architecture remained static, fashioned from preserved dinosaur bones. Technology was non-existent. Crops were grown exactly the same way they were 1000 years before and the Ozle diet remained much the same. It seemed as though Tuvalu was due for a new... development.
On December 30th, 1526, King Ozle CCXXII was doing what the previous 221 kings did during their rule: nothing. And he was content, and so were Tuvalu's citizens. But nevertheless something nagged at him. A few days earlier a servent had discovered something extraordinary on the beach and immediately brought it to the king. The records don't indicate what this item might be which is endlessly frustrating as the scribes had meticulously recorded every move of the Ozles for the past 1000 years, when absolutely nothing of consequence happened. And now, at possibly the most important moment in Tuvalu's history, silence. What the hell were they thinking? It makes me so mad sometimes I just.... but I digress. The object was brought before the king and he quickly summoned his son, Ozle, and dismissed everyone else. To his son he said these fateful words: "Half a millenium from now, it will occur. The ultimate- boy, pull up your damn pants! No you can't leave, I haven't even told you what will happen! What? You can't be serious. Right now? This very moment? It can't wait? Fine, I'll tell you later."
Chapter 3 - The Ozle's Redemption - 1526-2012
That day, everything changed. Ozles still ruled over the land, Tuvalu largely remained unchanged, but a disturbance in the force was detected, so to say. For almost 500 years Tuvalu's population became increasingly uneasy and restless. In 1987 an Ozle was born. He was different from everyone else, and he was ambitious. His aspirations had far-reaching effects, unknowingly influencing everyone around him and changing the way people interacted with their surroundings. He would gather together with other young men and engage in a ritual called an RPG, something that had been strictly forbidden for centuries. He obtained reading material about something called "video games" and distributed them liberally. But despite these influences, the call of his ancestors did not go unheard. The Ozle tradition lived on inside of him as it did with all the Ozles. And so he invoked his forefathers, prayed derply, and fulfilled the prophecy on February 9, 2012.