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Calamitas

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Proofreading
« on: September 21, 2016, 08:02:25 pm »
+2

Hello guys,

I have to hand in an essay (book report on HPMOR) tomorrow and wanted to ask whether it would be possible for some of you to read through my essay and post suggestions (whether it's punctuation, grammar, style or just a better phrasing). How little it may be, every help is appreciated :)

Thank you very much!
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Kirian

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Re: Proofreading
« Reply #1 on: September 21, 2016, 08:30:16 pm »
+8

Hello guys,

I have to hand in an essay (a book report on HPMOR [define acronyms]) tomorrow and wanted to ask whether it would be possible for some of you to read through my essay and post suggestions. [run-on] (wWhether it's punctuation, grammar, style or just a better phrasing)., no matter Hhow little it may beyou can do, every helpbit is appreciated :)

Thank you very much!
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silverspawn

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Re: Proofreading
« Reply #2 on: September 21, 2016, 08:57:16 pm »
+5

Hm.

Writing Style is subjective, so I don't know how much of my feelings apply for other people. This doesn't read particularly well written to me, but I can't point to a specific instance, except maybe that the first sentence conveys no meaning (that isn't already inferrable from the title). I could suggest different phrasings, but I could really do that for the entire thing.

Content-wise, I'd ask myself "how can I describe the appeal of this story as well as possible in a few paragraphs?"

Speaking of which, what is the appeal of this story? We might have different ideas there.

I think it is that it's extremely intelligent, which sounds elitist but that's really what it is, and I wouldn't try to be coy about it. Real harry is severely outclassed compared to HPMOR-Harry. He'll take a chapter to accomplish what real harry doesn't get done in the entire novel. He'll concern himself with things real harry doesn't even grasp or understand. If you ever thought he did something stupid, here is someone who will correct it. In fact, if you were ever bothered by protagonists ignoring the third, smart option in fiction, this is a story which will be immensely satisfying. And even more, he will correct flaws you haven't even noticed before. And he'll teach you how rationality/the universe works in the process.

That doesn't really come through in your review, does it? You talk primarily about which people he hangs out with and then say that it's amazing. Which it is, but I only say that because I've read it. The only thing which gives you an idea of how extraordinary it is is that he befriends Draco. Other than that, it could be a fairly generic alternate universe fanfic.

I don't think this will convince anyone. I'd rewrite it with your version of the above in mind.

Not sure if this would have been useful, but here is not how I'd have witten the first paragraph (this would otherwise have covered your first two).



[[ blue birds bouncing before beige bandicoots ]]



I had completely forgotten that you are the one who showed me this story. I owe you so much! ♥
« Last Edit: September 22, 2016, 12:15:05 pm by silverspawn »
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Calamitas

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Re: Proofreading
« Reply #3 on: September 22, 2016, 02:45:42 am »
0

Thank you silver, you are awesome!
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Calamitas

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Re: Proofreading
« Reply #4 on: September 22, 2016, 02:47:30 am »
0

Btw, have you read Eliezer's sequences and/or significant digit (pretty good sequel)?
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Re: Proofreading
« Reply #5 on: September 22, 2016, 03:38:59 am »
0

No problem :)

Btw, have you read Eliezer's sequences and/or significant digit (pretty good sequel)?

are you talking about the LW sequences? Over half way through them all. If not, no. And no.
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Calamitas

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Re: Proofreading
« Reply #6 on: September 22, 2016, 03:41:49 am »
0

No problem :)

Btw, have you read Eliezer's sequences and/or significant digit (pretty good sequel)?

are you talking about the LW sequences? Over half way through them all. If not, no. And no.
Yep, LW sequences. http://www.anarchyishyperbole.com/p/significant-digits.html?m=1
Significant digit is there, definitely worth a read if you have enjoyed HPMOR.
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Re: Proofreading
« Reply #7 on: September 22, 2016, 03:50:47 am »
0

Quote
"The best HPMOR continuation fic." -Eliezer Yudkowsky

Good argument. Will read.
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Re: Proofreading
« Reply #8 on: October 05, 2016, 03:36:38 pm »
+3

"I have to hand in an essay and wanted to ask for suggestions" isn't a run-on sentence.  It contains one subject shared across two verbs that are joined by the word "and".  A run-on sentence contains two subjects and two verbs.

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Re: Proofreading
« Reply #9 on: October 05, 2016, 08:14:13 pm »
0

Did HPMOR ever end? I remember starting reading it years ago... it just kept wandering on and on without much in the way of a clear direction, so I got bored after a while.
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Re: Proofreading
« Reply #10 on: October 05, 2016, 09:43:14 pm »
0

Did HPMOR ever end? I remember starting reading it years ago... it just kept wandering on and on without much in the way of a clear direction, so I got bored after a while.
Yeah, it's over.
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Calamitas

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Re: Proofreading
« Reply #11 on: October 06, 2016, 02:49:53 am »
0

Did HPMOR ever end? I remember starting reading it years ago... it just kept wandering on and on without much in the way of a clear direction, so I got bored after a while.
Read it again, it is awesome!
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Re: Proofreading
« Reply #12 on: October 06, 2016, 02:55:11 am »
0

I'm reading significant digits after this thread. It is awesone so far! Fred, George and Nevill chapter is so funny
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Re: Proofreading
« Reply #13 on: October 06, 2016, 02:57:06 am »
0

Just for the record, Following the phoenix is awesome as well.
You should read it after SigDig :D
https://m.fanfiction.net/s/10636246/1/Following-the-Phoenix
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Re: Proofreading
« Reply #14 on: October 06, 2016, 02:59:03 am »
0

Also, there's a book named The Consolation of Conquest, on the very same site where SigDig is. Do you know anything about it?
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Calamitas

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Re: Proofreading
« Reply #15 on: October 06, 2016, 03:16:19 am »
0

Also, there's a book named The Consolation of Conquest, on the very same site where SigDig is. Do you know anything about it?
Is another story from the author which is independent from hpmor. I haven't read it yet though.
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Re: Proofreading
« Reply #16 on: October 06, 2016, 06:59:48 am »
+1

I'm 12 or so chapters into Significant Digits.

I don't like it as much as MoR by a long shot, but enough to keep reading. I think it's too exposition-heavy for me. part of MoR's charm was that it was instructive and accessible, new and familiar, and really smart. This is similarly smart, and it's believable, and it's definitely new, but harder to read and it still has less informative value.

It does a really good job at getting me attached to the idea and role of the tower, though.
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LaLight

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Re: Proofreading
« Reply #17 on: October 06, 2016, 07:03:22 am »
0

I'm 12 or so chapters into Significant Digits.

I don't like it as much as MoR by a long shot, but enough to keep reading. I think it's too exposition-heavy for me. part of MoR's charm was that it was instructive and accessible, new and familiar, and really smart. This is similarly smart, and it's believable, and it's definitely new, but harder to read and it still has less informative value.

It does a really good job at getting me attached to the idea and role of the tower, though.

Pretty much the same. Though in SigDig there are some brilliant conceptions same as in hpmor, though the familiarity of original series is absent and so it is harder. I'd say it is more grown-up than mor. Not even grown-up.. more geeky.
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Calamitas

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Re: Proofreading
« Reply #18 on: October 06, 2016, 07:51:55 am »
0

I'm 12 or so chapters into Significant Digits.

I don't like it as much as MoR by a long shot, but enough to keep reading. I think it's too exposition-heavy for me. part of MoR's charm was that it was instructive and accessible, new and familiar, and really smart. This is similarly smart, and it's believable, and it's definitely new, but harder to read and it still has less informative value.

It does a really good job at getting me attached to the idea and role of the tower, though.
I had pretty much the same feeling. It is not near as god as hpmor but still worth reading. Following the phoenix gets closer to hpmor in terms of awesomeness :D
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pedroluchini

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Re: Proofreading
« Reply #19 on: October 06, 2016, 08:49:17 am »
0

What I most enjoyed in HPMoR were the bits where Harry & co played around with magic and tried to figure out the underlying rules that govern it. Harry's machinations to upset Britain's economy, his and Hermione's experiments with transfiguration, and Draco's investigation of magical genetics were some of the highlights for me. I was slightly disappointed when this turned out to be such a minor part of the story.

Can you recommend any other works of (fan)fiction with such a focus on an empirical approach to magic?
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