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[Minotaur]

Man, I got the flow, don't you know?
I got the get up and go, but you?
They call you Mr. High-five-on-the-side-now-down-low
'Cause your engine's too slow.

You gonna cough and hack
on my stack of attacks,
Your deck is so outta wack
Not even Jack can help you come back.

Your game is bad, that's why I'm writin' these verses.
You play your three Villages, draw an estate and two Curses.

Man, you just like Leo from Inception,
You ain't learnin' your lessons
I let you build up your engine, now I King's Court Possession
You'd see it from a mile away if you could stop and question, fool

I'd try to help it all click, but you're too thick
You can't teach an old dog how to be a trick
You'd just be a pug wearin' lipstick
Time to call the Bishop, 'cause this dog is too sick

[SCSN]

You start out parsing the board
According to public opinion,
While I am getting ready
For a game of Dominion.

Baker-Silver as an open?
It sucks, just like your mother.
The better move, you wonder?
It's Potion-Marauder.

You think I will be slow,
That you will have your deck in motion.
But realize that it's a trap,
That you just can't skip the Potion.

All they do is drawing,
You say those Pools look quite benign.
But I am looking forward
And see you begging to resign.

Just when you're feeling good
About your nice, steady progression,
My engine is kicking off,
Drawing King's Court-Possession.

There's nothing you can do
But fold your hands behind your neck,
And watch me as I teach you
How one ought to play your deck.

Playing three turns in a row,
You should have skipped those Advisors:
I'm keeping two Platina,
Discarding the Survivors.

Can't get to that last Colony,
Unfortunate, but don't be smiling.
Look closer at those Ruins,
Indeed--I am three-piling.

It was not about your shuffle luck,
It was the engine you failed to see.
Think back through your decisions
As you're typing out "gg".

If your soul withstands the crushing,
I am in for a lot more.
Just don't expect to beat me:
Things will go as they have gone before.

[Witherweaver]

[WalrusMcFishSr]

I assumed that gif would be this one:

[LastFootnote]

I assumed that gif would be this one:

What is that from? It looks awesome.

EDIT: Nevermind, found it. It was pretty awesome.

[Witherweaver]

I assumed that gif would be this one:

What is that from? It looks awesome.

I'm pretty sure that's just SCSN in real life.

[theory]

I assumed that gif would be this one:

What is that from? It looks awesome.

EDIT: Nevermind, found it. It was pretty awesome.

Who is this mysterious man "Nevermind"?!  I keep seeing him fixing PC issues too...!

[Minotaur]

...

That was pretty amazing. I have something typed up on my other laptop, but it's not a direct response. I couldn't decide whether I was just making generic rap posts, or if I wanted to make direct replies. The latter would be much harder, and I think you're better at making raps. I was on an Epic Rap Battles of History binge a week ago, and I have no experience. X-D

[Drab Emordnilap]

I'd try to help it all click, but you're too thick
You can't teach an old dog how to be a trick

But can you teach a blue dog to do a pink trick?

[Minotaur]

This is the big league, fool - you ain't got a shot
As long as you're gettin' the snot
Beat out of you by Banker Bot

You need to go back to Basic,
this game- you can't take it
Don't try to fake it,
'Cause you ain't gonna make it

Just put that expansion back in the box
Open your head, pour out all them rocks
Now hold onto your socks
Let your mind get blown, and learn from the shocks
So when school is done,
you won't be biggest derp on the block

I see you playin' like a noob on a bender
I open Workshop and Gardens, you open Village-Moneylender
You think you'll win because you're such a big spender
You Mine your first Gold and then I play the game ender

Next game, you buy Militia 'cause it's the board's only 4
I spam Festival and Library, you just keep buyin' them more
Then you're sore, you blame luck for your score
You don't pay attention to counters, fool, that's why your game is so poor

[LastFootnote]

I assumed that gif would be this one:

What is that from? It looks awesome.

EDIT: Nevermind, found it. It was pretty awesome.

Who is this mysterious man "Nevermind"?!  I keep seeing him fixing PC issues too...!

Touché.

[SCSN]

The latter would be much harder, and I think you're better at making raps. I was on an Epic Rap Battles of History binge a week ago, and I have no experience. X-D

You're opting out
Before we even got started
An attempt at competition
Already thwarted.

A move I can't respect,
I would call you a pussy,
But rather keep it polite,
And leave it at wussy.

Just pick up your pen,
Don't wait for too long,
I'm writing circles around you
In my non-native tongue.

Just think up an image,
Then follow the beat
To stretch out your subject
Across multiple feet.

Cause talking is cheap
And your phrases are tame,
We'd better return
To the actual game.

You go for Gardens,
But I am denying,
And playing two Sea Hags,
The Curses are flying.

Already drawing my deck,
Already throning four Bridges,
I'm going all green,
Impressing the bitches.

Again you played simple,
Again the engine was winning.
Better rethink your game
From the very beginning.

While your head's all fuzzy
And your fingers all sore,
SheCantSayNo sits there waiting,
He's ready for more.

[Eevee]

SCSN, I just want you to know a stranger on the internet thinks you are awesome.

[qmech]

I assumed that gif would be this one:

What is that from? It looks awesome.

EDIT: Nevermind, found it. It was pretty awesome.

Who is this mysterious man "Nevermind"?!  I keep seeing him fixing PC issues too...!

He registered a month back.

[AndrewisFTTW]

Woah. Shit just got serious. Who brought popcorn?

[ragingduckd]

...

So this is why Dutch rappers
  don't draw crowds.
Have you actually tried
  to slam your beats out loud?

That meter is whack,
  and those vowels are wrong,
Fool-- don't you know that "tongue"
  doesn't rhyme with "long?"

Your BM is strong
  and your engines are kickin',
But rapping 'bout slogs?
  There your game's still stickin'.

With junkers around,
  you best forget about Throning.
You open Hag-Shanty,
  and I'm already groaning.

Denying me Gardens
  when your goal is eight Bridges?
Still building an engine
  when we both opened Witches?

Your deck is a mess;
  leave that Village alone.
Start buying up Duchies,
  'cuz your Plan A is blown.

You catch on too late:
  thirty VP to ten.
Three piles were going,
  but you couldn't see when.

Four thousand games deep,
  it's a bit rude to mention...
But when will you learn, man,
  that slogs ain't engines?

[GeoLib]

This is my favorite thread ever.

[flies]

i'm the hip hoppapotamus
my rhymes are bottomless

[SCSN]

...

Your rhythm sounds drunk,
Your stresses are wailing.
Get some more liquid courage,
Or again you'll be bailing.

From the Precambrian past
You talk smack about slogs,
Guess it's time for an update
Let us sail through our logs.

From the latest alone
I can see why you're drinking:
I am playing two Ghost Ships,
While your single is sinking.

Next I'm out on Safari,
You like terminals clashing.
Then my collections run off,
Cause I got Anna for trashing.

Further on we find this one,
Here your deck has been shot.
Letting Rats eat all Treasure,
Is AI now a bot?

So lick your fresh wounds,
And ponder your losses,
Stop mistaking poor plays
For losing coin-tosses.

While I admire your efforts
Getting Goko restored,
Time to salvage your screenname,










It's falling from the leaderboard.

[ragingduckd]

...

You wanna talk games? Well
  I'll tell you a story
'bout the beautiful KC,
  a vision of glory.

You get to her first,
  and you hope she'll be faithful,
But when you can't please her,
  she finds you distasteful.

You try to buy love,
  bring her Silver and Gold,
But KC needs Action
  to share talents untold.

I show her my skills,
  and she flies to my side,
I'll give you this much:
  you take rejection in stride.

You cash in for points,
  and you think things are great.
But KC and I,
  we're just lying in wait.
 
Four Duchess, three Lenders,
  three Counts, and three Rebuild.
Five Provinces, one turn:
  my wishes all fulfilled.

Then KC explains why
  your plans all got thwarted,
"It's simple enough, bitch:
  You got King's Courted."

[Minotaur]

Daaaaaaamn, game logs just got brought into this thread. I'm out, this is cray-crayyyy.

[AHoppy]

they call me the hip hoppapotamus
my lyrics are bottomless

FTFY

[AndrewisFTTW]

I'm scared to watch but I can't look away...

[Dsell]

Looks like it's amateur hour
On the strategy forum
See these spectators here?
Please try not to bore 'em.

Your deckbuilding skills
Aren't in question, my homies
But rap ain't a game,
So just walk right on home, please.

Ya see AI is right,
Your talent, it's artificial
You made an extension?
Talk to me when it's official.

No doubt that you're a faker,
How 'bout intelligence?
You're making me laugh,
But you ain't making hella sense.

And Shecan'tsayno,
What kind of username is this?
Are you begging to the misses
Every time you gotta piss?

Think you got followers, bitch?
You think that you're a real prize?
Then why'd I overhear
Your "princess" complain about size?

[ragingduckd]

...

Who is this "Dsell?"
  Why don't we see his ascension?
Oh, level -21?
  Don't even bother to mention.

I guess we could let him
  rap along with us too,
Or we could point out that most
  will only think him a fool.
 
If he means it he'll play
  if not, he'll yammer and spout.
Reciting lyrics that matter
  just as much as a Scout.

So yak all you want
  Mr. Dsell.  Well see
If if your chatter is more
  than idle words in the breeze.