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Messages - jtl005

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Tournaments and Events / Why I didn't attend Nationals in Chicago
« on: January 16, 2019, 08:14:17 pm »
Hi all,

For context, I was the original winner of the invite to play in Chicago for Nationals, which is the main topic of this thread  A thread I was a participant in several years ago.

I recently got back into Dominion.  I had to look to see what happened in this thread after I left the game all those years ago.  And the reason I had to look, and the reason I didn't attend this Nationals was that that period was, to date, the most traumatic period of my life.

I'm gay.  And that's the easiest part for me to say, because by now I've been out and proud for years.  I write not to come out again - I'm totally out - nor to apologize, since I can't apologize for the traumatic experiences I suffered since I didn't cause them - rather a homophobic society did.  I'm writing to help myself close the darkest chapter of my life, and perhaps to satisfy some long forgotten curiosities if anyone had any, concerning my sudden disappearance from this tournament.

As a teenager around year 2000, I was forced to go to church, and eventually went to church of my own volition after sufficient brainwashing.  They preached that I should hate myself.  I had people call me faggot, sissy, and gay as a slur, etc.  They commented on everything, from how I walked, to my gestures, the words I used, my hairstyle, the way I made friends, etc.  I had people spread rumors that I was gay, including my own brother. (Who is now one of my biggest supporters, thankfully, along with my parents.  We have all done a 180, including myself because I had a lot of self-hate.)  Of course, I had a lot of betrayals from "friends", and if I ever had a "crush" (quotes because I didn't even admit to myself that I was gay), surely that would backfire too.  The deepest cut to me came when I was in college at UCSD, which is in the *relatively* conservative La Jolla. (And keep in mind that things were different a decade ago.)  I came to like a "friend" of mine, who reintroduced me to Christianity.  After my feelings started bursting at the seams, I just told him one night, much earlier than I ever came out to anyone in a more controlled setting.  It just happened.  I said "I might be gay."  This was the guy who was so homophobic he'd scoot away from me if I even sat next to him, before even knowing I was gay.  So of course in retrospect, I'm unsurprised that he was unsupportive.  He informed me at some point that it was a sin, and at some point around 2009 we just never spoke again.  Then around 2009 I was attending Caltech and there was more religious bullying, but not as much schoolyard-type bullying because it was college.  I was still taught to hate myself.  Unfortunately, Caltech was a school lacking in diversity, and I never encountered the support I needed, nor was I even encouraged to look.  While having a few more rinse and repeats of having crushes on friends and losing them as friends, it became clear to me concurrently that all I could ever rejoice in were my own achievements.  This was actually quite destructive, as I took on a course load way too heavy to be healthy.  I already kind of did that while at UCSD.  This is also why I got so attached to my performance in gaming.  If I couldn't have social connections, I at least wanted to be good at something I enjoyed.  When I made a mistake, I found it nearly impossible to forgive myself.  I didn't have anyone, or anything else.  All I could do as an outlet was to study and play strategy games.  This attitude, together with my poor mental health in general because of all the trauma, lead to a quick burnout for me in both of the games I took seriously at the time. (Dominion, and slightly before it, Magic: The Gathering)  I also seriously burned out in school.  Back then I had panic attacks.  Sometimes they were directly about being gay in such an unwelcoming world.  Sometimes being gay in that world was "only" the underlying cause, and the actual topic of the panic attack was instead either dying, or something else.  On the night that I won the invitation here, I was having a panic attack, and the topic was the possibility of travel when I was in such a poor state, the fact that I felt I had lost one of the 5 matches because I made a mistake, and the fact that one of my then-closest friends had no idea remotely what I was going through while he pressured me to go, belittling the reasons I supplied to not go.  That's why I didn't go.  I'm glad I didn't, because I wasn't ready for it.  But I wish I had the opportunity today.

Fast forward to today, I don't have panic attacks anymore. (I haven't had them since I came out, and actually even slightly before that because I took up a pretty serious exercising program in order to provide a short term solution to this problem.)  I don't really have any friends from this dark time, but at least I have friends and family now.  I have my mental and physical health.  And I still have my interest in this game. 

Dominion World Masters / Re: Finals results
« on: July 02, 2012, 05:23:07 pm »
Oh also where could I find more detailed rules on nationals? (For instance, what format it is, if it's 2p, 3p, or 4p, notetaking allowed, etc.)

Dominion World Masters / Finals results
« on: July 02, 2012, 05:19:57 pm »
We played 5 games because after the 5th the results were decided.  The final score is:

21 points: jtl005
12 points: ednever
12 points: personman

The gamelogs are shown below:

Good games.

Question: do I have to do anything to accept my award?  Whoever is in charge please email me about the logistics/travel plan.  Also if I have to adhere to any schedule or other such details.  I'm totally new to this kind of thing.  I'm kind of curious how it will be verified that jtl005=me in real life.

Dominion World Masters / Re: DominionStrategy Qualifying Day Results
« on: June 28, 2012, 11:44:13 pm »
Game 1: 1st place jtl005
2nd place ckb
3rd place bubblovat
4th place Laszlosaurus

Game 2: 1st place jtl005
2nd place bubblovat
3rd place ckb
4th place Laszlosaurus

Game 3: 1st place jtl005
2nd place ckb
3rd place Laszlosaurus
4th place Bubblovat

Game 4: 1st place ckb
2nd place jtl005
3rd place Laszlosaurus
4th place Bubblovat

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