Dominion Strategy Forum

Miscellaneous => General Discussion => Topic started by: Kuildeous on September 07, 2012, 10:16:28 am

Title: A joke thread
Post by: Kuildeous on September 07, 2012, 10:16:28 am
Seems like something that would do us all a bit of good would be to have a joke thread—a little something to pass the day, especially for those who access the forum during work hours.

I'll start with one of my favorite terrible jokes.


What goes clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, bang-bang, clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop?

An Amish drive-by shooting
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: theory on September 07, 2012, 10:29:13 am
What's the difference between a chemist and a normal person?

A normal person washes his hands after going to the bathroom.  A chemist washes his hands before going to the bathroom. 
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: jonts26 on September 07, 2012, 12:03:36 pm
So Werner Heisenberg is driving down the road when he gets pulled over for speeding. The officer asks him if he knows how fast he was going. Heisenberg responds with, 'No, but I know where I am.'
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: jonts26 on September 07, 2012, 12:12:32 pm
So a neutrino walks into a bar and the bartender says, 'we don't serve your kind here' and the neutrino says, 'that's alright, I'm just passing through.'

A superconductor walks into a bar and the bartender says, 'we don't serve your kind here' and the superconductor leaves without any resistance.

Two bacteria walk into a bar and the bartender says, 'we don't serve your kind here' and the bacteria reply, 'but were staph!'

A virus walks into a bar and the bartender says, 'we don't serve your kind here' and the the virus shoots the bartender, gets behind the counter and says, 'now we do.'

The bartender says, 'we don't serve your kind here.' A tachyon walks into a bar.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: werothegreat on September 07, 2012, 12:19:53 pm
How do you get two piccolo players in tune?  Shoot one.

Why is an accordion better than a concertina?  It burns longer.

Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Kirian on September 07, 2012, 01:05:42 pm
What's the difference between a chemist and a normal person?

A normal person washes his hands after going to the bathroom.  A chemist washes his hands before going to the bathroom. 

That's not a joke, though.  That actually happens all the time.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Kuildeous on September 07, 2012, 01:32:06 pm
René Descartes walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "Would you like a drink?"

Descartes responds with, "I think not," and then vanished.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: SwitchedFromStarcraft on September 07, 2012, 02:04:20 pm
I put instant coffee in a microwave today and almost went back in time.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: werothegreat on September 07, 2012, 02:06:48 pm
A drag queen strolls into a church by mistake to find a priest swinging an incense pot.  The drag queen says: "Honey, I just love your dress, but don't you know your handbag is on fire?"
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: SwitchedFromStarcraft on September 07, 2012, 02:08:31 pm
What's the difference between a chemist and a normal person?

A normal person washes his hands after going to the bathroom.  A chemist washes his hands before going to the bathroom.
I've been a chemist for 35 years and have only heard this one other time. It is both funny and very true.

Do you have any good lawyer jokes?
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: werothegreat on September 07, 2012, 02:11:32 pm
What's the difference between a chemist and a normal person?

A normal person washes his hands after going to the bathroom.  A chemist washes his hands before going to the bathroom.
I've been a chemist for 35 years and have only heard this one other time. It is both funny and very true.

Do you have any good lawyer jokes?

A doctor, an engineer and a lawyer all end up at a conference together, and in the hotel room, they decide to have a good laugh and look through the Gideon Bible.

The doctor says: "Well, surgery must be the oldest profession - says right here in Genesis that God made Eve from Adam's rib."

The engineer says: "Pish tosh.  Read before that - it says that God created the heavens and the earth out of chaos.  Engineering is the oldest profession."

The lawyer says: "Ah, but who created the chaos?"
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: cayvie on September 07, 2012, 02:15:07 pm
lol, it's funny because the engineer says "pish tosh"
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: SwitchedFromStarcraft on September 07, 2012, 02:23:21 pm
I think it's funny because the lawyer said "Ah'.

Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Kirian on September 07, 2012, 02:37:04 pm
What's the difference between a chemist and a normal person?

A normal person washes his hands after going to the bathroom.  A chemist washes his hands before going to the bathroom.
I've been a chemist for 35 years and have only heard this one other time. It is both funny and very true.

Really?  Wow, it seems like this is so old... I've heard it (and told it) so many times!

Do you have any good lawyer jokes?

No, but I have some bad lawyer jokes!

What do you call a hundred lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?

Not enough sand.

----

I'd tell another chemistry joke here, but all the good ones argon.  Oh wait:

What's a pirate's favorite amino acid?  Arrrrginine!
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: SwitchedFromStarcraft on September 07, 2012, 02:42:51 pm
Similarly:

What do you call a busload of lawyers going off a cliff?  A good start.

What's worse than a busload of lawyers going of a cliff?  Having it happen with a seat empty.

Disclaimer:  My GF is a lawyer, and I very much respect most lawyers.  My previous question to Theory was because I'm curious about which (if any) lawyer jokes are funny to lawyers.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: SwitchedFromStarcraft on September 07, 2012, 02:47:56 pm
As for chemistry jokes, here is one of my own, which I managed to get published in a letter to an industry mag while still in school a million years ago:

If C5H12 is pentane, and C6H14 is heptane, then what is CnH2n+2The answer is obviously inane and deserves no further consideration.

Edited to remove name of magazine.  In this day and age, you can't be too careful on the internet.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: werothegreat on September 07, 2012, 02:55:55 pm
Now for something completely different:

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?  Two - one to hold the giraffe, the other to put the clocks in the bathtub.

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?  To get to the other side!

How many communists does it take to change a lightbulb?  The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own change.

How many Congresspeople does it take to change a lightbulb?  You don't need a new lightbulb, what you really need is for us to bicker for three months.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: theory on September 07, 2012, 03:31:12 pm
I don't think anyone actually gets offended by lawyer jokes.  The problem is that most lawyer jokes are not really lawyer jokes, because you can replace lawyer with any other maligned profession and you have essentially the same joke.

Anyway, here are some I like:

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean when they got to talking. The lawyer mentioned, "I'm here because my house burned down and everything got destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."

"That's quite a coincidence," remarked the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood. My insurance company, too, paid for everything."

There was a brief pause, and then the puzzled lawyer asked, "How do you start a flood?"

Farmer Bob: Hey doc, how is Lawyer Jones?
Doctor Ted: Alas, the poor fellow is lying at death's door.
Farmer Bob: Ah, there's grit for ya: at death's door and still lyin'.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: jonts26 on September 07, 2012, 03:38:18 pm
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?            Two                       
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: SwitchedFromStarcraft on September 07, 2012, 06:10:06 pm
In that case, here's my favorite:

An engineer, a paleontologist, and a lawyer are walking through the woods with their dogs.  The paleontologist says 'I've got the most talented dog in the world, watch this'.  He calls his dog. 'Linnaeus, go do your stuff".  The dog puts his nose to the ground and begins searching the area.  He stops near a large tree, starts digging frantically, uncovering bone after bone. He uses the bones to build a full size replica of a T. rex skeleton.

The engineer says 'That's nothing, watch this'.  He calls his dog.  'Fulcrum, go do your stuff'.  The second dog disassembles the skeleton and uses the bones to build a double-cantilevered bridge over the stream they are standing beside.

The lawyer says 'That's nothing, watch this'. He calls his dog. 'Shyster, go do your stuff'.  So his dog screws the other two dogs and skips town.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: kn1tt3r on September 08, 2012, 02:31:45 am
"Man, I haven't talked to my wife for two WEEKS!"
"Why not?"
"I didn't want to interrupt her..."
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Turambar on September 08, 2012, 11:19:09 am
René Descartes walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "Would you like a drink?"

Descartes responds with, "I think not," and then vanished.


This joke depends on faulty logic, because if we assume Descartes is translated as:

"I think, therefore I am"

This is equivalent to "I am not, therefore i cannot think" and not "I do not think, therefore I am not"( which is equivalent to "I am, therefore I think").

When I think about it, writing this reminds me of this comic  (http://spikedmath.com/505.html).
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Forge!!! on September 08, 2012, 12:20:55 pm
Racist tic-tac-toe is where you replace the o's with k's.

What do you call an 80's band made up of all Muslim people? Qu'ran Qu'ran

I heard someone say that men are much better at giving massages than women and I told him hey, that's really massagynistic.


i like bad jokes

Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Kirian on September 08, 2012, 01:27:45 pm
Three statisticians decide they're going to try out hunting.  They get themselves a shotgun each, and hire a guide to help them with deer hunting.

On their first day, after only about 2 hours, the guide spots a ten-point buck among the trees.  One of them takes a shot that hits a tree off to the left, leaving a mark on the tree and spooking the buck.  The next aims quickly while the buck is still in sight, but his shot slams into a tree off to the right.

The third statistician jumps in the sir and shouts "We got him!"
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: jotheonah on September 08, 2012, 03:58:17 pm
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino? Hell if I know.

Why did the bicycle fall over? It was two-tired.

What did the hippie say when I asked him to get off my couch? Namaste.

What did the clock do when it was still hungry after lunch? It went back four seconds.

Finally, my favorite Groucho Marx line:
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Axxle on September 09, 2012, 09:51:40 pm
Scout.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: gman314 on September 09, 2012, 10:14:00 pm
So Werner Heisenberg is driving down the road when he gets pulled over for speeding. The officer asks him if he knows how fast he was going. Heisenberg responds with, 'No, but I know where I am.'

I've heard the same joke with a bit of an extension:

So Werner Heisenberg and Erwin Schrodinger are driving down the road when they get pulled over for speeding. The officer asks if they knows how fast they were going. Heisenberg responds with, "No, but I know where I am."
Considering this unusual response to be grounds for a search, the officer proceeds to ask them to open the trunk. Upon examination he says "did you know there's a dead cat in here?" Quite put out, Schrodinger sayds "Well, I do now!"
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: RichardNixon on September 09, 2012, 10:59:37 pm
Who is the opposite of Christopher Reeve?

Christopher Walken.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Davio on September 10, 2012, 03:25:01 am
I'm very bad at remembering jokes, in fact, this is the only one I remember.

A man goes to see a doctor and tells him: "Doc, every time I talk to a woman, she turns around and flees in disgust."
The doctor sniffs the man's breath, "You have bad breath", he says.
- "Why could that be, I brush my teeth three times a day!"

The doc looks at the man, sees his hands and says: "Either stop biting your nails or scratching your ass"
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Titandrake on September 10, 2012, 03:53:42 am
This is the only joke I know that has some level of humor.

A boy asks his dad, "Dad, is God male or female?"
The dad thinks about this. "Son, God is whatever people want to believe in. So you could say that because some see God as male, and others see God as female, then God is both."

The boy takes this in. Then, he says, "Dad, is God white or black?"
The dad thinks about this, but for shorter than before. "Well, it's the same as before. Some see God as white, some see God as black. So God is both."

The boy pauses, then asks, "Dad, is God Michael Jackson?"
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: jonts26 on September 11, 2012, 02:24:39 am
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?         Dr. Dre             
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Kuildeous on September 11, 2012, 10:13:42 am
A man just joined a monastery. The abbot told the man, "Our order has very strict vows of silence. On each anniversary of your joining this order, you can speak two words."

One year goes by with the man saying nothing. Finally, his first anniversary arrived, and the man approached the abbot and said, "Room drafty."

After another year, the man approached the monk and said, "Food cold."

After the third year, the man told the abbot, "Bed hard."

After the fourth year, the man said, "Roof leaks."

On the man's fifth anniversary, he walked up to the abbot and simply stated, "I quit."

The abbot nodded and replied, "I'm not surprised. You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: cayvie on September 11, 2012, 07:19:15 pm
A man just joined a monastery. The abbot told the man, "Our order has very strict vows of silence. On each anniversary of your joining this order, you can speak two words."

One year goes by with the man saying nothing. Finally, his first anniversary arrived, and the man approached the abbot and said, "Room drafty."

After another year, the man approached the monk and said, "Food cold."

After the third year, the man told the abbot, "Bed hard."

After the fourth year, the man said, "Roof leaks."

On the man's fifth anniversary, he walked up to the abbot and simply stated, "I quit."

The abbot nodded and replied, "I'm not surprised. You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

what, does the abbot not have to abide by these rules?

lame

i'd quit too
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: () | (_) ^/ on September 12, 2012, 08:37:41 am
.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: jotheonah on September 12, 2012, 10:59:07 am
So three strings walk into a bar in Texas. Now there's a law in Texas that says strings can't drink, so this is a pretty rebellious thing. But the String #3 says to the others "C'mon, let's have some fun!"

So String #1 walks up to the bar. "Bartender," he says, "I'd like a beer."

"No can do," says the bartender. "You're a string. You want a soda or something?"

The string walks back to the table dejected.

String #2 steps up, but he's a little more crafty. He goes over to the coat rack, throws on a hat and a coat, and walks up to the bar, changing his voice to try to sound more like a person.

"Bartender," he says, "I'd like a beer."

"Sure thing, bud, comin right ... wait a minute! You're a string! Get outta here!"

Well the third string just laughs. He says "Guys, lemme show you how it's done." So he ties himself in a knot and teases out each end of himself. Then he walks up to the bar and confidently order a beer.

"You know I can't do that," says the bartender. "You're a string."

The string looks him squarely in the eyes and says "No sir, I'm a frayed knot."
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: dnkywin on September 12, 2012, 11:51:06 pm
I'd tell another chemistry joke here, but all the good ones argon.  Oh wait:

What's a pirate's favorite amino acid?  Arrrrginine!

More pirate jokes:
What's a pirate's favorite element?       Gold
What's a pirate's favorite crime?       Piracy
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: eHalcyon on September 13, 2012, 12:25:33 am
I'd tell another chemistry joke here, but all the good ones argon.  Oh wait:

What's a pirate's favorite amino acid?  Arrrrginine!

More pirate jokes:
What's a pirate's favorite element?       Gold
What's a pirate's favorite crime?       Piracy

I believe you are looking for the anti-joke thread. :P
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: GendoIkari on September 13, 2012, 12:39:26 am
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?            Two                       

Don't get it... :-[
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: jonts26 on September 13, 2012, 12:40:27 am
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?            Two                       

Don't get it... :-[

Sometimes words can mean more than one thing. Also flies are small.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Galzria on September 13, 2012, 12:41:54 am
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?            Two                       

Don't get it... :-[

Sometimes words can mean more than one thing. Also flies are small.

*Ahem* :P
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: GendoIkari on September 13, 2012, 12:46:44 am
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?            Two                       

Don't get it... :-[

Sometimes words can mean more than one thing. Also flies are small.

Man I'm slow! Lol.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: kn1tt3r on September 13, 2012, 02:41:16 am
"Docter, I can't feel my legs anymore!"
"Well, no suprise, we've just amputated your arms."
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: jotheonah on September 13, 2012, 09:46:14 am
Two penguins were driving through the desert on a hot day and their car broke down. Luckily they weren't too far from a small, dusty town. They pushed their car into town and left it at a mechanic's shop. He suggested they get some refreshment to cool down at the local diner, and he'd come get them when he fixed the car.

The two penguins order vanilla milkshakes, but one of them is so hot and thirsty he drinks it without the straw, getting it all over his beak.

About an hour later, the mechanic walks in and says "It looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin quickly replies "No, it's just a milkshake!
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Kirian on September 13, 2012, 09:49:43 am
I'd tell another chemistry joke here, but all the good ones argon.  Oh wait:

What's a pirate's favorite amino acid?  Arrrrginine!

OK, I lied, they aren't all gone:

A mosquito cried out in vain:
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
The cause of his sorrow
was para-dichloro
diphenyltricholorethane.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: SwitchedFromStarcraft on September 13, 2012, 12:00:29 pm
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?            Two                       

Don't get it... :-[

Sometimes words can mean more than one thing. Also flies are small.

Man I'm slow! Lol.
I didn't get it either.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: DStu on September 13, 2012, 12:06:50 pm
How many flies does it take (to screw in) (a lightbulb)?
->
How many flies does it take (to screw) (in a lightbulb)?
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Watno on September 13, 2012, 12:36:17 pm
One of my favorites also with pirates, sadly it only works in German, but I'll post it anyway:
Warum können Seeräuber keinen Kreis zeichnen? Weil sie Pi raten
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: DStu on September 13, 2012, 12:40:57 pm
You can probably get something with 'pi' and 'rate', too....
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Young Nick on September 13, 2012, 02:22:31 pm
(http://shirtshovel.com/products/pirates/pi-434.jpg)
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Jorbles on September 13, 2012, 02:56:06 pm
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gets him one, and the neutron says, "What do I owe you?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

How can you tell if someone is vegan? Don't worry they'll tell you.

How many pessimists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? What's the point? It'll just burn out again.

How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? That's not funny.

What's brown and sticky? A stick.

Why did the two melons have a big wedding? Because they cantaloupe.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Axxle on September 13, 2012, 02:57:49 pm
How can you tell if someone is vegan? Don't worry they'll tell you.
How can you tell if someone is from Texas? Don't worry they'll tell you.
How can you tell if someone is a vegan from Texas? Don't worry they don't exist.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: SwitchedFromStarcraft on September 13, 2012, 03:59:45 pm
Why was the melon sad when it got a dog. Because the dog was a melon collie.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Kuildeous on September 13, 2012, 04:27:55 pm
A favorite from Monty Python.


What's brown and sounds like a bell?

Dung!

It's funnier told in person.

Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: jotheonah on September 13, 2012, 11:13:32 pm
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter it won't come.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Young Nick on September 13, 2012, 11:21:40 pm
Best told in person, but my favorite:

A: "Wanna hear a knock-knock joke?"
(Unsuspecting) B: Sure!
A: OK, you start!
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Axxle on September 14, 2012, 12:11:15 am
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter it won't come.
"How" do you call...
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: J-Kidder on September 14, 2012, 12:23:33 am
Best told in person, but my favorite:

A: "Wanna hear a knock-knock joke?"
(Unsuspecting) B: Sure!
A: OK, you start!
I used to love that one till it backfired on me. 
It went something like this:
A: "OK, you start!"
B: "knock-knock"
A: "who's there?"
B: "John"
A: "John who?"
B: "John Pags"
A: .........? (how the heck did this ball end up back in my court?)
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Qvist on September 14, 2012, 03:00:59 am
How can you tell if someone is vegan? Don't worry they'll tell you.

A vegan mom says: "Kids, come in. Your food gets withered."
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Turambar on September 14, 2012, 04:09:24 am
And now for some mathematics jokes:

What is an anagram for Banach-Tarski? Banach-Tarski Banach-Tarski

There is no uninteresting natural numbers, because assuming the opposite, there has to be a lowest uninteresting natural number. But that's pretty interesting. Contradiction!

Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip? To get to the same side.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: DStu on September 14, 2012, 04:32:38 am
What is an anagram for Banach-Tarski? Banach-Tarski Banach-Tarski

To come back to http://spikedmath.com/505.html , Banach-Tarski does not work on finite sets.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: jotheonah on September 14, 2012, 06:11:31 am
So the Higgs-Boson walks into a Catholic church.

The priest says "Sorry, we don't allow Higgs-Bosons in here."

The Higgs says "But without me, you can't have Mass!"
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: SwitchedFromStarcraft on September 14, 2012, 08:34:25 am
What do you call a dog with no legs? Mat
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: jonts26 on September 18, 2012, 12:04:14 am
How many dragonball Z characters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just one but it'll take him 3 episodes.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Cuzz on September 18, 2012, 08:04:25 am
Wanna hear the world's shortest math joke?

Let ε < 0
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Exuberance on September 18, 2012, 09:17:04 am
My favorite jokes are one-liners:


A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says "Make me one with everything."

A 3-legged dog walks into a bar and says "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!"
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Jorbles on September 18, 2012, 02:51:49 pm
How many dragonball Z characters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just one but it'll take him 3 episodes.

I was sure the punchline was going to be IT'S OVER 9000!
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: michaeljb on September 18, 2012, 06:09:13 pm
How many F.DS members does it take to change a light bulb?

Depends on the board; are there any +Lumens, or will all those extra Watts go to waste? Are there any alt-light sources? How many switches are connected to the light? Will the light stay in one state for long periods of time, or will it be turned on and off frequently? How does it interact with other light sources (if any) in the room?
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Asklepios on September 18, 2012, 07:11:16 pm
Maths jokes then.

An experiment is performed involving two cats, and an inclined roof.
The two cats are very nearly identical; same gender, mass, breed, eye and fur colour.
The scientist places both cats on the apex of the roof and releases them at the same time.
One of the cats fall off the roof first.
So obviously there is some difference between the two cats.

One cat has a greater mew.

===

There are 10 kinds of mathematicians. Those who can think binarily and those who can't..

===

Two men are sitting in the basket of a balloon. For hours, they have been drifting through a thick layer of clouds, and they have lost orientation completely. Suddenly, the clouds part, and the two men see the top of a mountain with a man standing on it.
"Hey! Can you tell us where we are?!"
The man doesn't reply. The minutes pass as the balloon drifts past the mountain. When the balloon is about to be swallowed again by the clouds, the man on the mountain shouts: "You're in a balloon!"
"That must have been a mathematician."
"Why?"
"He thought long and thoroughly about what to say. What he eventually said was irrefutably correct. And it was of no use whatsoever..."



And as I'm a doctor, not a mathematician (dammit, Jim) a joke for doctors:

What's pink and hard?
An ECG on an orthopaedics ward.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: cayvie on September 18, 2012, 07:37:28 pm
How many F.DS members does it take to change a light bulb?

Depends on the board; are there any +Lumens, or will all those extra Watts go to waste? Are there any alt-light sources? How many switches are connected to the light? Will the light stay in one state for long periods of time, or will it be turned on and off frequently? How does it interact with other light sources (if any) in the room?


Wait, there's going to be a new light bulb? What's going to happen to the old light bulb?
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: eHalcyon on September 18, 2012, 10:21:05 pm
Two men are sitting in the basket of a balloon. For hours, they have been drifting through a thick layer of clouds, and they have lost orientation completely. Suddenly, the clouds part, and the two men see the top of a mountain with a man standing on it.
"Hey! Can you tell us where we are?!"
The man doesn't reply. The minutes pass as the balloon drifts past the mountain. When the balloon is about to be swallowed again by the clouds, the man on the mountain shouts: "You're in a balloon!"
"That must have been a mathematician."
"Why?"
"He thought long and thoroughly about what to say. What he eventually said was irrefutably correct. And it was of no use whatsoever..."

This joke has a longer version.

Speaking of long jokes, have you heard the one about Nate the Snake?  I have been sorely tempted to post it here, but it is very, very long.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: jotheonah on September 18, 2012, 11:17:46 pm
How many F.DS members does it take to change a light bulb?

Depends on the board; are there any +Lumens, or will all those extra Watts go to waste? Are there any alt-light sources? How many switches are connected to the light? Will the light stay in one state for long periods of time, or will it be turned on and off frequently? How does it interact with other light sources (if any) in the room?


Wait, there's going to be a new light bulb? What's going to happen to the old light bulb?

BRILLIANT
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: thirtyseven on September 19, 2012, 11:48:53 am
Two men are sitting in the basket of a balloon. For hours, they have been drifting through a thick layer of clouds, and they have lost orientation completely. Suddenly, the clouds part, and the two men see the top of a mountain with a man standing on it.
"Hey! Can you tell us where we are?!"
The man doesn't reply. The minutes pass as the balloon drifts past the mountain. When the balloon is about to be swallowed again by the clouds, the man on the mountain shouts: "You're in a balloon!"
"That must have been a mathematician."
"Why?"
"He thought long and thoroughly about what to say. What he eventually said was irrefutably correct. And it was of no use whatsoever..."

This joke has a longer version.

Speaking of long jokes, have you heard the one about Nate the Snake?  I have been sorely tempted to post it here, but it is very, very long.

I know this joke. It's golden. Post it. ;D
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: SwitchedFromStarcraft on September 19, 2012, 11:53:22 am
Two men are sitting in the basket of a balloon. For hours, they have been drifting through a thick layer of clouds, and they have lost orientation completely. Suddenly, the clouds part, and the two men see the top of a mountain with a man standing on it.
"Hey! Can you tell us where we are?!"
The man doesn't reply. The minutes pass as the balloon drifts past the mountain. When the balloon is about to be swallowed again by the clouds, the man on the mountain shouts: "You're in a balloon!"
"That must have been a mathematician."
"Why?"
"He thought long and thoroughly about what to say. What he eventually said was irrefutably correct. And it was of no use whatsoever..."

This joke has a longer version.

Speaking of long jokes, have you heard the one about Nate the Snake?  I have been sorely tempted to post it here, but it is very, very long.

I know this joke. It's golden. Post it. ;D
Oh boy.  If you post it (and you should), I'm gonna +1 just for the amount of typing involved.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: thirtyseven on September 19, 2012, 12:03:21 pm
Two men are sitting in the basket of a balloon. For hours, they have been drifting through a thick layer of clouds, and they have lost orientation completely. Suddenly, the clouds part, and the two men see the top of a mountain with a man standing on it.
"Hey! Can you tell us where we are?!"
The man doesn't reply. The minutes pass as the balloon drifts past the mountain. When the balloon is about to be swallowed again by the clouds, the man on the mountain shouts: "You're in a balloon!"
"That must have been a mathematician."
"Why?"
"He thought long and thoroughly about what to say. What he eventually said was irrefutably correct. And it was of no use whatsoever..."

This joke has a longer version.

Speaking of long jokes, have you heard the one about Nate the Snake?  I have been sorely tempted to post it here, but it is very, very long.

I know this joke. It's golden. Post it. ;D
Oh boy.  If you post it (and you should), I'm gonna +1 just for the amount of typing involved.

And then retract the +1 when you realize he simply copy/pasted it from a website?
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Captain_Frisk on September 19, 2012, 12:17:12 pm
Two men are sitting in the basket of a balloon. For hours, they have been drifting through a thick layer of clouds, and they have lost orientation completely. Suddenly, the clouds part, and the two men see the top of a mountain with a man standing on it.
"Hey! Can you tell us where we are?!"
The man doesn't reply. The minutes pass as the balloon drifts past the mountain. When the balloon is about to be swallowed again by the clouds, the man on the mountain shouts: "You're in a balloon!"
"That must have been a mathematician."
"Why?"
"He thought long and thoroughly about what to say. What he eventually said was irrefutably correct. And it was of no use whatsoever..."

This joke has a longer version.

Speaking of long jokes, have you heard the one about Nate the Snake?  I have been sorely tempted to post it here, but it is very, very long.

I know this joke. It's golden. Post it. ;D
Oh boy.  If you post it (and you should), I'm gonna +1 just for the amount of typing involved.

And then retract the +1 when you realize he simply copy/pasted it from a website?

Holy crap this "joke" is long.  I'm 2/3 of the way through, but I'll take some +1's for linking to it:

http://natethesnake.com/
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: SwitchedFromStarcraft on September 19, 2012, 01:24:16 pm
Two men are sitting in the basket of a balloon. For hours, they have been drifting through a thick layer of clouds, and they have lost orientation completely. Suddenly, the clouds part, and the two men see the top of a mountain with a man standing on it.
"Hey! Can you tell us where we are?!"
The man doesn't reply. The minutes pass as the balloon drifts past the mountain. When the balloon is about to be swallowed again by the clouds, the man on the mountain shouts: "You're in a balloon!"
"That must have been a mathematician."
"Why?"
"He thought long and thoroughly about what to say. What he eventually said was irrefutably correct. And it was of no use whatsoever..."

This joke has a longer version.

Speaking of long jokes, have you heard the one about Nate the Snake?  I have been sorely tempted to post it here, but it is very, very long.

I know this joke. It's golden. Post it. ;D
Oh boy.  If you post it (and you should), I'm gonna +1 just for the amount of typing involved.

And then retract the +1 when you realize he simply copy/pasted it from a website?
Nah, but after thinking about it, I might only give him the +1 if he logged in from a Google account, search for the source on Google, and owned Walled Village.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Galzria on September 19, 2012, 01:35:15 pm
Two men are sitting in the basket of a balloon. For hours, they have been drifting through a thick layer of clouds, and they have lost orientation completely. Suddenly, the clouds part, and the two men see the top of a mountain with a man standing on it.
"Hey! Can you tell us where we are?!"
The man doesn't reply. The minutes pass as the balloon drifts past the mountain. When the balloon is about to be swallowed again by the clouds, the man on the mountain shouts: "You're in a balloon!"
"That must have been a mathematician."
"Why?"
"He thought long and thoroughly about what to say. What he eventually said was irrefutably correct. And it was of no use whatsoever..."

This joke has a longer version.

Speaking of long jokes, have you heard the one about Nate the Snake?  I have been sorely tempted to post it here, but it is very, very long.

I know this joke. It's golden. Post it. ;D
Oh boy.  If you post it (and you should), I'm gonna +1 just for the amount of typing involved.

And then retract the +1 when you realize he simply copy/pasted it from a website?

Holy crap this "joke" is long.  I'm 2/3 of the way through, but I'll take some +1's for linking to it:

http://natethesnake.com/

No +1's for you. You gave me the link, and thus the means, of wasting too many precious minutes of my life on... That... Ugh.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Captain_Frisk on September 19, 2012, 01:49:22 pm
To be fair - I hadn't read the amazing punchline.  All that buildup was totally worth it!
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Galzria on September 19, 2012, 01:50:31 pm
To be fair - I hadn't read the amazing punchline.  All that buildup was totally worth it!

Now THAT, that gets a +1
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Kirian on September 19, 2012, 02:04:30 pm
Goko.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: thirtyseven on September 19, 2012, 02:22:28 pm
Goko.

I see we're breaking out the BIG jokes now...
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: SwitchedFromStarcraft on September 19, 2012, 04:55:06 pm
Goko.
Ouch, but +1 here, in addition to the +1 that I gave the post itself.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: eHalcyon on September 19, 2012, 06:11:16 pm
Two men are sitting in the basket of a balloon. For hours, they have been drifting through a thick layer of clouds, and they have lost orientation completely. Suddenly, the clouds part, and the two men see the top of a mountain with a man standing on it.
"Hey! Can you tell us where we are?!"
The man doesn't reply. The minutes pass as the balloon drifts past the mountain. When the balloon is about to be swallowed again by the clouds, the man on the mountain shouts: "You're in a balloon!"
"That must have been a mathematician."
"Why?"
"He thought long and thoroughly about what to say. What he eventually said was irrefutably correct. And it was of no use whatsoever..."

This joke has a longer version.

Speaking of long jokes, have you heard the one about Nate the Snake?  I have been sorely tempted to post it here, but it is very, very long.

I know this joke. It's golden. Post it. ;D
Oh boy.  If you post it (and you should), I'm gonna +1 just for the amount of typing involved.

And then retract the +1 when you realize he simply copy/pasted it from a website?

Holy crap this "joke" is long.  I'm 2/3 of the way through, but I'll take some +1's for linking to it:

http://natethesnake.com/

Darn, I was going to link it.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Captain_Frisk on September 19, 2012, 08:40:08 pm

Holy crap this "joke" is long.  I'm 2/3 of the way through, but I'll take some +1's for linking to it:

http://natethesnake.com/

Darn, I was going to link it.

Yeah - and it got me 0 +1s.  Offensive.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: theory on September 20, 2012, 03:59:38 pm
How can you tell if someone is vegan? Don't worry they'll tell you.

Sorry to get all PC but this joke irritates me.  How can you tell someone is atheist?  How can you tell someone is gay?  How can you tell someone is adopted?  How can you tell if someone is left-handed?

These qualities are all (usually) invisible until we are told of them, because we operate in a world of default assumptions.  You have no idea how many [people of X quality] you've met; the only reason you know any is because they tell you.  There are many [people of X quality] that do not tell you they are [X] and that you just don't know have [X].

You can argue that vegans are more militant about their veganism than atheists/gays/adoptees/left-handedness etc., but I doubt it.  From personal experience, and PETA-crazies aside, most vegans are not evangelical.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Jorbles on September 20, 2012, 04:59:35 pm
How can you tell if someone is vegan? Don't worry they'll tell you.

Sorry to get all PC but this joke irritates me.  How can you tell someone is atheist?  How can you tell someone is gay?  How can you tell someone is adopted?  How can you tell if someone is left-handed?

These qualities are all (usually) invisible until we are told of them, because we operate in a world of default assumptions.  You have no idea how many [people of X quality] you've met; the only reason you know any is because they tell you.  There are many [people of X quality] that do not tell you they are [X] and that you just don't know have [X].

You can argue that vegans are more militant about their veganism than atheists/gays/adoptees/left-handedness etc., but I doubt it.  From personal experience, and PETA-crazies aside, most vegans are not evangelical.

Sorry if it offends, that wasn't my intention. The joke plays on the fact that vegans do tend to mention it if they're vegan. I think the reason vegans tend to be fairly out about their veganism is not out of any militantism, but because people eat 3+ times a day. Eating comes up a lot more often than your other examples (sexuality, religion, adoption, handedness). I guess the reason it's funny though is that it implies militantism on the part of vegans, which if not actually true is certainly a stereotype that fits. The joke would also work for people who have peanut allergies, but there's no stereotype to play off of so it wouldn't be funny. I thought it was fairly inoffensive, but I'll refrain in the future.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Cuzz on September 20, 2012, 05:02:48 pm
Another mathy one. Not laugh out loud hilarious but I like it:

One alien says to another, "Look, there are 11 zorgaks over there."

The other alien replies, "No, I clearly see 23 of them."

The first says, "Oh, I see. You must use base 4 on your planet. Here we use base 10."

The second then says, "I use base 10 also. What the hell is a 4?"
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Ozle on September 20, 2012, 05:05:55 pm
Buddha, Jesus, Shiva, Odin, Zeus, The Horned God and the Flying Spaghetti Monster walk into a bar.....
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: eHalcyon on September 20, 2012, 05:15:38 pm
Another mathy one. Not laugh out loud hilarious but I like it:

One alien says to another, "Look, there are 11 zorgaks over there."

The other alien replies, "No, I clearly see 23 of them."

The first says, "Oh, I see. You must use base 4 on your planet. Here we use base 10."

The second then says, "I use base 10 also. What the hell is a 4?"

But... does this add up?  What bases are the aliens using?  If alien one is using base ten, then it sees eleven zorgaks.
The second alien says 23, so it can't be binary.  It doesn't know 4, so it must be base three.

23 in base three == 12 in base ten

So... it doesn't work?  Unless the first alien is also using something other than base ten?

Edit: no wait, I am misinterpreting.  It must be base four, but yeah, they call it base 10.  MY BAD.  /tired
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Kirian on September 20, 2012, 05:54:29 pm
"Two plus two equals... bzzz... ten.  In base four, I'm FINE."
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Watno on September 20, 2012, 06:01:42 pm
Cersei Lannister
Action--Reaction
$5

When you play the Game of Thrones, reveal this. You win or you die.

had to quote this one from the design contest
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: theory on September 20, 2012, 06:07:11 pm
How can you tell if someone is vegan? Don't worry they'll tell you.

Sorry to get all PC but this joke irritates me.  How can you tell someone is atheist?  How can you tell someone is gay?  How can you tell someone is adopted?  How can you tell if someone is left-handed?

These qualities are all (usually) invisible until we are told of them, because we operate in a world of default assumptions.  You have no idea how many [people of X quality] you've met; the only reason you know any is because they tell you.  There are many [people of X quality] that do not tell you they are [X] and that you just don't know have [X].

You can argue that vegans are more militant about their veganism than atheists/gays/adoptees/left-handedness etc., but I doubt it.  From personal experience, and PETA-crazies aside, most vegans are not evangelical.

Sorry if it offends, that wasn't my intention. The joke plays on the fact that vegans do tend to mention it if they're vegan. I think the reason vegans tend to be fairly out about their veganism is not out of any militantism, but because people eat 3+ times a day. Eating comes up a lot more often than your other examples (sexuality, religion, adoption, handedness). I guess the reason it's funny though is that it implies militantism on the part of vegans, which if not actually true is certainly a stereotype that fits. The joke would also work for people who have peanut allergies, but there's no stereotype to play off of so it wouldn't be funny. I thought it was fairly inoffensive, but I'll refrain in the future.

Oh I'm not offended -- except for that part of me that likes good jokes.  I am simply bothered by it in an OCD-esque manner, the same way that I am bothered by anyone who makes a joke that seems illogical. 
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: SirPeebles on September 20, 2012, 07:06:20 pm
How can you tell if someone is vegan? Don't worry they'll tell you.

Sorry to get all PC but this joke irritates me.  How can you tell someone is atheist?  How can you tell someone is gay?  How can you tell someone is adopted?  How can you tell if someone is left-handed?

These qualities are all (usually) invisible until we are told of them, because we operate in a world of default assumptions.  You have no idea how many [people of X quality] you've met; the only reason you know any is because they tell you.  There are many [people of X quality] that do not tell you they are [X] and that you just don't know have [X].

You can argue that vegans are more militant about their veganism than atheists/gays/adoptees/left-handedness etc., but I doubt it.  From personal experience, and PETA-crazies aside, most vegans are not evangelical.

"We don't see meat eating as we do vegetarianism -- as a choice, based on a set of assumptions about animals, our world, and ourselves. Rather, we see it as a given, the "natural" thing do. We eat animals without thinking what we are doing and why because the belief system that underlies this behavior is invisible." -- Melanie Joy.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: cayvie on September 20, 2012, 08:13:11 pm
Another mathy one. Not laugh out loud hilarious but I like it:

One alien says to another, "Look, there are 11 zorgaks over there."

The other alien replies, "No, I clearly see 23 of them."

The first says, "Oh, I see. You must use base 4 on your planet. Here we use base 10."

The second then says, "I use base 10 also. What the hell is a 4?"

Why do mathematicians get Christmas and Halloween confused?

Because DEC 25 = OCT 31
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: SwitchedFromStarcraft on September 20, 2012, 08:58:57 pm
Cersei Lannister
Action--Reaction
$5

When you play the Game of Thrones, reveal this. You win or you die.

had to quote this one from the design contest
I hate that bitch.  I just started GoT II, and can't wait until the dragons roast her alive from the neck down.  Don't want her pretty face spoiled though, as it's going on a pike, next to Ned Stark's.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Ozle on September 21, 2012, 03:12:16 am
  How can you tell if someone is left-handed?


The pervading stench of evil coming from them!
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Kuildeous on September 21, 2012, 09:45:10 am
So... it doesn't work?  Unless the first alien is also using something other than base ten?

Edit: no wait, I am misinterpreting.  It must be base four, but yeah, they call it base 10.  MY BAD.  /tired

I also had to think that through.

My problem was that I immediately thought of 10 as a construct of binary. So, I was wondering how that alien could even count to 23.

I don't work with other bases enough to pick up on that. When I see 10 (or any combination of 0s and 1s), I instantly think of it as a binary number and not a number in another base that just happens to be made up of 0s and 1s. The only exception would be decimal (and sometimes hexadecimal).

But it is a brilliant joke.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: eHalcyon on September 21, 2012, 03:16:54 pm
  How can you tell if someone is left-handed?


The pervading stench of evil coming from them!

I'm left handed!!
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: cayvie on September 21, 2012, 06:17:59 pm
  How can you tell if someone is left-handed?


The pervading stench of evil coming from them!

I'm left handed!!

vote: ehalcyon

(i'm a lefty too)
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: HiveMindEmulator on September 21, 2012, 06:23:31 pm
So... it doesn't work?  Unless the first alien is also using something other than base ten?

Edit: no wait, I am misinterpreting.  It must be base four, but yeah, they call it base 10.  MY BAD.  /tired

I also had to think that through.

My problem was that I immediately thought of 10 as a construct of binary. So, I was wondering how that alien could even count to 23.

I don't work with other bases enough to pick up on that. When I see 10 (or any combination of 0s and 1s), I instantly think of it as a binary number and not a number in another base that just happens to be made up of 0s and 1s. The only exception would be decimal (and sometimes hexadecimal).

But it is a brilliant joke.

It's also brilliant as a caution against egocentrism. We often see "10" and think it means "ten", but it really means [whatever base you're in]. So everyone thinks they are in base "10", it this can mean very different things to them. Similarly, everyone here claims they are "decent" at Dominion, because, well, you're comparing to yourself and the people you get auto-matched with, which is biased toward your own level. So no one thinks they are "bad" or "good", because we're all thinking were are level "10" in base [actual level].
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Ozle on September 21, 2012, 07:53:44 pm
  How can you tell if someone is left-handed?


The pervading stench of evil coming from them!

I'm left handed!!

Point proven.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Morgrim7 on September 22, 2012, 04:48:02 am
  How can you tell if someone is left-handed?


The pervading stench of evil coming from them!

I'm left handed!!

Point proven.
I am left handed too, am I evil?
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Grujah on September 22, 2012, 09:37:22 am
I think I've said this before, but I am a leftie too, and a total one at that. Most lefties still use mouse with their right, I cannot. I use my left for EVERYTHING.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Morgrim7 on September 23, 2012, 06:29:49 am
I think I've said this before, but I am a leftie too, and a total one at that. Most lefties still use mouse with their right, I cannot. I use my left for EVERYTHING.
Huh. I use my right for everything.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: GendoIkari on September 23, 2012, 12:45:09 pm
I think I've said this before, but I am a leftie too, and a total one at that. Most lefties still use mouse with their right, I cannot. I use my left for EVERYTHING.
Huh. I use my right for everything.

I'm right handed except for billiards. I can play billiards with both hands, but I'm a lot better with my left.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Kirian on September 23, 2012, 05:18:05 pm
So, US vs EU thing:  How many righties use their left hand for eating?  Lots (lots) of Americans, when eating meat, will use their right hand for cutting meat with a knife, then set down the fork and transfer it to their right hand.  Anyone else seen this?
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: eHalcyon on September 23, 2012, 05:51:49 pm
So, US vs EU thing:  How many righties use their left hand for eating?  Lots (lots) of Americans, when eating meat, will use their right hand for cutting meat with a knife, then set down the fork and transfer it to their right hand.  Anyone else seen this?

I'm like that with my left hand.  I'm just really clumsy with my right so I can't knife or fork with it.  Yes I just verbed those nouns.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: SwitchedFromStarcraft on September 23, 2012, 06:11:48 pm
So, US vs EU thing:  How many righties use their left hand for eating?  Lots (lots) of Americans, when eating meat, will use their right hand for cutting meat with a knife, then set down the fork and transfer it to their right hand.  Anyone else seen this?
I got taken to task yesterday for a similar thing.  I'm a righty, but all my fishing reels have the handle on the right side, because after I cast, I move the rod to my left hand and reel right-handed.  The guy at the fishing store said "Why are you adding all those steps?"
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Tables on September 23, 2012, 06:32:37 pm
So, US vs EU thing:  How many righties use their left hand for eating?  Lots (lots) of Americans, when eating meat, will use their right hand for cutting meat with a knife, then set down the fork and transfer it to their right hand.  Anyone else seen this?

I do it the way I've been taught is polite. Knife in right hand, Fork in left, always.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Ozle on September 24, 2012, 09:09:40 am
See, this just proves that left hand people are trying to cover up their left handedness, and why do they want to cover it up? Because they are up to no good obviously.

Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Ozle on September 24, 2012, 09:10:33 am
I think I've said this before, but I am a leftie too, and a total one at that. Most lefties still use mouse with their right, I cannot. I use my left for EVERYTHING.
Huh. I use my right for everything.

I'm right handed except for billiards. I can play billiards with both hands, but I'm a lot better with my left.

Billiards?! Do you also play in the 1920's as well as with your left hand?!
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Captain_Frisk on September 24, 2012, 09:12:24 am
So, US vs EU thing:  How many righties use their left hand for eating?  Lots (lots) of Americans, when eating meat, will use their right hand for cutting meat with a knife, then set down the fork and transfer it to their right hand.  Anyone else seen this?

This is the way I taught, but abandoned in my older years as I realized that it's acceptable to do it either way, and the transfer is super ineffcient.

I'm not sure that I was taught to actually set the fork down, or just pass it to the right hand prior to eating.

Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Ozle on September 24, 2012, 09:13:48 am
Why would people teach people that way?

Surely you put the knife in your strongest hand!

This is like the shoelace tying thing all over again!
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Captain_Frisk on September 24, 2012, 09:16:42 am
This is like the shoelace tying thing all over again!
Shoelaces are the work of the devil.  Loafers only!
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Captain_Frisk on September 24, 2012, 09:17:24 am
This is like the shoelace tying thing all over again!
Shoelaces are the work of the devil.  Loafers only!
Velcro is a minor sin, but acceptable with an appropriate tithe to offset.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: theory on September 24, 2012, 10:30:26 am
The fork transfer forces you to eat slower, so I've heard that it is an etiquette thing.  The alternative explanation is that it's a way to ferret out British spies during the American Revolution but that seems pretty dubious.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Kuildeous on September 24, 2012, 11:56:33 am
The fork transfer forces you to eat slower, so I've heard that it is an etiquette thing.  The alternative explanation is that it's a way to ferret out British spies during the American Revolution but that seems pretty dubious.

Hey, it worked in Inglourious Basterds when the British agent used the wrong way to gesture for "three."

Although, I've grown up with sign language, so I still don't get the hang of how "three" is normally presented. It looks like W.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Ozle on September 24, 2012, 12:18:30 pm
The fork transfer forces you to eat slower, so I've heard that it is an etiquette thing.  The alternative explanation is that it's a way to ferret out British spies during the American Revolution but that seems pretty dubious.

<insert joke about Americans not needing cutlery to eat from KFC bargain bucket here>
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Ozle on September 24, 2012, 12:20:04 pm
But it looks like just a style brought across with the settlers that never got changed.

A bit like the French way of eating used to be all courses served at the same time, and the current set meal style that most people use in restaurants is derived from the Russians.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Kuildeous on September 24, 2012, 02:55:00 pm
How did a conversation about left-handers show up in a joke thread? Must be some sort of sinister plot.

To tie the two together, here is a joke I copied directly from some website.

A husband asks his wife, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?"
"After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship."

"If I died and you remarried," the husband asks, "would he live in this house?"
"We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess he would."

"If I died and you remarried, and he lived in this house," the husband asks, "would he sleep in our bed?"
"Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess he would."

"If I died and you remarried, and he lived in this house and slept in our bed, would he use my golf clubs?"
"Oh, no!" the wife replies. "He's left-handed!"
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: RichardNixon on September 24, 2012, 04:25:56 pm
So, US vs EU thing:  How many righties use their left hand for eating?  Lots (lots) of Americans, when eating meat, will use their right hand for cutting meat with a knife, then set down the fork and transfer it to their right hand.  Anyone else seen this?

This is the way I taught, but abandoned in my older years as I realized that it's acceptable to do it either way, and the transfer is super ineffcient.

I'm not sure that I was taught to actually set the fork down, or just pass it to the right hand prior to eating.

I was explicitly taught as a child that there is an American way and a European way.

I prefer the switch myself, when I eat with my left hand if feels like a different person is feeding me. (No one went there yet?)
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: SwitchedFromStarcraft on September 24, 2012, 04:27:01 pm
How did a conversation about left-handers show up in a joke thread? Must be some sort of sinister plot.

To tie the two together, here is a joke I copied directly from some website.

A husband asks his wife, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?"
"After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship."

"If I died and you remarried," the husband asks, "would he live in this house?"
"We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess he would."

"If I died and you remarried, and he lived in this house," the husband asks, "would he sleep in our bed?"
"Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess he would."

"If I died and you remarried, and he lived in this house and slept in our bed, would he use my golf clubs?"
"Oh, no!" the wife replies. "He's left-handed!"
+1 more for the chemistry reference ahead of a joke about "chemistry". Is it even possible to take Latin in school anymore?
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: eHalcyon on September 24, 2012, 04:29:28 pm
How did a conversation about left-handers show up in a joke thread? Must be some sort of sinister plot.

To tie the two together, here is a joke I copied directly from some website.

A husband asks his wife, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?"
"After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship."

"If I died and you remarried," the husband asks, "would he live in this house?"
"We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess he would."

"If I died and you remarried, and he lived in this house," the husband asks, "would he sleep in our bed?"
"Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess he would."

"If I died and you remarried, and he lived in this house and slept in our bed, would he use my golf clubs?"
"Oh, no!" the wife replies. "He's left-handed!"
+1 more for the chemistry reference ahead of a joke about "chemistry". Is it even possible to take Latin in school anymore?

How is "sinister" a chemistry reference?  Latin reference, sure.  But Chemistry?
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: SwitchedFromStarcraft on September 24, 2012, 04:35:31 pm
How did a conversation about left-handers show up in a joke thread? Must be some sort of sinister plot.

To tie the two together, here is a joke I copied directly from some website.

A husband asks his wife, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?"
"After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship."

"If I died and you remarried," the husband asks, "would he live in this house?"
"We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess he would."

"If I died and you remarried, and he lived in this house," the husband asks, "would he sleep in our bed?"
"Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess he would."

"If I died and you remarried, and he lived in this house and slept in our bed, would he use my golf clubs?"
"Oh, no!" the wife replies. "He's left-handed!"
+1 more for the chemistry reference ahead of a joke about "chemistry". Is it even possible to take Latin in school anymore?

How is "sinister" a chemistry reference?  Latin reference, sure.  But Chemistry?
It's used in a naming convention for enantiomers. "Right-handed" molecules are labeled with R, for the rectus, and "left-handed' molecules are labeled with S, for sinister.

See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chirality_(chemistry) in the section under "Naming Conventions".

Edit: Actually, this may be better:

http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/Organic_Chemistry/Chirality/R-S_notational_system
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: SwitchedFromStarcraft on September 24, 2012, 04:40:16 pm
Sinister is also what makes Ozle's #95 funny, otherwise it's either a tease or an editorial comment.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Axxle on September 24, 2012, 04:57:20 pm
Sinister is also what makes Ozle's #95 funny, otherwise it's either a tease or an editorial comment.
Sinister was used for left-handedness for much more things outside of chemistry.

"The Latin word sinistra meant "left" as well as "unlucky"" (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Handedness)
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: cayvie on September 24, 2012, 06:20:01 pm
The fork transfer forces you to eat slower, so I've heard that it is an etiquette thing.  The alternative explanation is that it's a way to ferret out British spies during the American Revolution but that seems pretty dubious.

Hey, it worked in Inglourious Basterds when the British agent used the wrong way to gesture for "three."

Although, I've grown up with sign language, so I still don't get the hang of how "three" is normally presented. It looks like W.

what does six look like to you then
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: zporiri on September 24, 2012, 08:01:39 pm
to appreciate this joke fully, say the answers outloud.


what do you call four spanish-speaking people in quicksand? cuatro cinco

what do you call four french felines in quicksand? quatre cinq

what do you call four americans in quicksand? four five
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Kuildeous on September 24, 2012, 08:31:58 pm
The fork transfer forces you to eat slower, so I've heard that it is an etiquette thing.  The alternative explanation is that it's a way to ferret out British spies during the American Revolution but that seems pretty dubious.

Hey, it worked in Inglourious Basterds when the British agent used the wrong way to gesture for "three."

Although, I've grown up with sign language, so I still don't get the hang of how "three" is normally presented. It looks like W.

what does six look like to you then

Six has the thumb and pinky touching. Not a big deal.

Though there's still the similarity between 2 and V.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: cayvie on September 24, 2012, 08:35:43 pm
The fork transfer forces you to eat slower, so I've heard that it is an etiquette thing.  The alternative explanation is that it's a way to ferret out British spies during the American Revolution but that seems pretty dubious.

Hey, it worked in Inglourious Basterds when the British agent used the wrong way to gesture for "three."

Although, I've grown up with sign language, so I still don't get the hang of how "three" is normally presented. It looks like W.

what does six look like to you then

Six has the thumb and pinky touching. Not a big deal.

Though there's still the similarity between 2 and V.

whoa, you can hold up those 3 fingers to make a "W" without your thumb and pinky touching?

i can't
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Ozle on September 25, 2012, 04:34:01 am
Sinister is also what makes Ozle's #95 funny, otherwise it's either a tease or an editorial comment.
Sinister was used for left-handedness for much more things outside of chemistry.

"The Latin word sinistra meant "left" as well as "unlucky"" (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Handedness)

I knew the latin bit, which I assume the chemistry comes from

Its also a well known Fact that left handed people are evil, all the great evil people in history were left handed, there has been a bit of a cover up I am sure, but its well known anyway.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Kuildeous on September 25, 2012, 08:45:36 am
whoa, you can hold up those 3 fingers to make a "W" without your thumb and pinky touching?

i can't

Sure, they're technically touching in a W, but when a person refers to fingers touching, he normally means fingertips. At least I did.

And that is what makes 6 different from W.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Kirian on September 25, 2012, 09:32:08 am
Sinister is also what makes Ozle's #95 funny, otherwise it's either a tease or an editorial comment.
Sinister was used for left-handedness for much more things outside of chemistry.

"The Latin word sinistra meant "left" as well as "unlucky"" (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Handedness)

I knew the latin bit, which I assume the chemistry comes from

Its also a well known Fact that left handed people are evil, all the great evil people in history were left handed, there has been a bit of a cover up I am sure, but its well known anyway.

Including 5 of the last 7 US Presidents and 7 of the last twelve (with no correlation to party affiliation).
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Ozle on September 25, 2012, 09:36:51 am
See, the more you look into it, the more I am right!
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Kuildeous on September 26, 2012, 03:47:45 pm
An oldie:

A bear and a rabbit were taking a dump in the forest. The bear looks over at the rabbit and asks, "Do you have trouble with shit sticking to your fur?"

The rabbit indignantly replied, "No, I do not!"

So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Schneau on September 27, 2012, 08:26:38 am
Another mathy one. Not laugh out loud hilarious but I like it:

One alien says to another, "Look, there are 11 zorgaks over there."

The other alien replies, "No, I clearly see 23 of them."

The first says, "Oh, I see. You must use base 4 on your planet. Here we use base 10."

The second then says, "I use base 10 also. What the hell is a 4?"

This was originally posted as a Cowbirds in Love (http://cowbirdsinlove.com/43) comic:

(http://cowbirdsinlove.com/comics/43/base10.png)
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Grujah on September 27, 2012, 02:56:40 pm
So, US vs EU thing:  How many righties use their left hand for eating?  Lots (lots) of Americans, when eating meat, will use their right hand for cutting meat with a knife, then set down the fork and transfer it to their right hand.  Anyone else seen this?

No, I eat the proper way, except reversed, knife in left, fork in right.

I've seen people do it, it's meh.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Cuzz on September 27, 2012, 04:08:59 pm
Another mathy one. Not laugh out loud hilarious but I like it:

One alien says to another, "Look, there are 11 zorgaks over there."

The other alien replies, "No, I clearly see 23 of them."

The first says, "Oh, I see. You must use base 4 on your planet. Here we use base 10."

The second then says, "I use base 10 also. What the hell is a 4?"

This was originally posted as a Cowbirds in Love (http://cowbirdsinlove.com/43) comic:

(http://cowbirdsinlove.com/comics/43/base10.png)

Thank you! I was totally blanking on where I had gotten it from.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: jotheonah on September 27, 2012, 04:21:12 pm
Thank you for reminding me CiL exists. I just read the last like year of updates.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: eHalcyon on September 28, 2012, 02:02:41 am
One time I entered ten different puns to a joke contest, hoping one of them would win.  Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Cuzz on September 28, 2012, 10:53:18 pm
I just had a reddit-level pun exchange with my brother via text. It began with him telling me "No gourd deed goes unpumpkined" and just got much, much worse from there.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: thirtyseven on October 22, 2012, 09:58:16 am
Would you be able to go to school for one semester debt-free if you had $25,000, tuition cost $13,000, and room cost $7,000?

Depends on the board!                               
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Kuildeous on October 22, 2012, 10:40:11 am
What do Arkansas* families like to do at Halloween?

Pumpkin

*If you are from Arkansas, please insert West Virginia or other inappropriately stereotypical locale.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Drab Emordnilap on October 22, 2012, 04:42:17 pm
In the deep jungles of darkest Africa lived a wild native tribe, with a prideful chief. He lorded over his subjects day after day from atop his throne of mud. One day, one of his weary subjects said to the chief, "Wise One, though your throne is large, it is of such poor material. Would you not look even mightier atop a sturdier throne?"

The chief took these words to heart, and that very day ordered his people to construct him a new throne of wood. Proud and regal sat he upon it, until the same subject approached him once more. "What a great sturdy throne, Wise One, but would you not look more wealthy were your throne more ostentatious?" And so the Chief orders a new throne constructed of bronze.

This continues, day after day, with thrones of bone, of silver, of gold, and evermore, and each day, his people provide him with a new throne, and take the old to store them in the attic of the Wise One's grass hut. One night, however, the weight above the Chief as he slept was too much, and the structure collapsed, killing the Chief.

The moral? Those who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: thirtyseven on October 24, 2012, 12:49:20 am
There was a tree who wanted to travel the world, so he packed his trunk and left the forest. A ways off, he suddenly encountered a man holding a chainsaw with several dead trees stacked up behind him!

The tree was petrified. The chainsaw-wielding man threatened, "Take me to your forest, or I will chop you down and put you with the others!"

The tree could not outrun the man so he had a choice to make, spare his own life and have his family killed, or wind up dead on a mound of other dead trees. With sap dripping from his eyes, he went for the tree-pile ending.                                               
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Archetype on October 24, 2012, 01:56:37 am
With the number of piles he must of emptied, I wouldnt be suprised if that man was a Woodcutter.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Morgrim7 on October 24, 2012, 02:28:21 am
With the number of piles he must of emptied, I wouldnt be suprised if that man was a Woodcutter.
Woodcutter helps empty piles?
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: eHalcyon on October 24, 2012, 04:21:50 am
must of

*twitch*
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Kuildeous on October 24, 2012, 08:51:08 am
must of

*twitch*

eHalcyon, may I axe you what's wrong?
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Ozle on October 24, 2012, 08:55:28 am
must of

*twitch*

eHalcyon, may I axe you what's wrong?

I think he has seen a problem on there post
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Drab Emordnilap on October 24, 2012, 09:41:33 am
must of

*twitch*

eHalcyon, may I axe you what's wrong?

I think he has seen a problem on there post
Oh, come on. Your just doing that for spite now. Its not funny any more.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Galzria on October 24, 2012, 09:46:31 am
must of

*twitch*

eHalcyon, may I axe you what's wrong?

I think he has seen a problem on there post
Oh, come on. Your just doing that for spite now. Its not funny any more.

Yeah, but to get that many responses it must of been funny the first time. It's either that, witch is possible, oar their all crazy. Weather you prefer the first or second is up to yew.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: () | (_) ^/ on October 24, 2012, 10:17:47 am
must of

*twitch*

eHalcyon, may I axe you what's wrong?

I think he has seen a problem on there post
Oh, come on. Your just doing that for spite now. Its not funny any more.

Yeah, but to get that many responses it must of been funny the first time. It's either that, witch is possible, oar their all crazy. Weather you prefer the first or second is up to yew.

lawl
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Drab Emordnilap on October 24, 2012, 10:27:30 am
must of

*twitch*

eHalcyon, may I axe you what's wrong?

I think he has seen a problem on there post
Oh, come on. Your just doing that for spite now. Its not funny any more.

Yeah, but to get that many responses it must of been funny the first time. It's either that, witch is possible, oar their all crazy. Weather you prefer the first or second is up to yew.

lawl
64 20 77 61 79 73 2c 20 61 6e 64 20 74 68 61 74 e2 80 99 73 20 6a 75 73 74 20 77 69 74 68 20 6d 79 20 62 61 72 65 20 68 61 6e 64 73 2e 20 4e 6f 74 20 6f 6e 6c 79 20 61 6d 20 49 20 65 78 74 65 6e 73 69 76 65 6c 79 20 74 72 61 69 6e 65 64 20 69 6e 20 75 6e 61 72 6d 65 64 20 63 6f 6d 62 61 74 2c 20 62 75 74 20 49 20 68 61 76 65 20 61 63 63 65 73 73 20 74 6f 20 74 68 65 20 65 6e 74 69 72 65 20 61 72 73 65 6e 61 6c 20 6f 66 20 74 68 65 20 55 6e 69 74 65 64 20 53 74 61 74 65 73 20 4d 61 72 69 6e 65 20 43 6f 72 70 73 20 61 6e 64 20 49 20 77 69 6c 6c 20 75 73 65 20 69 74 20 74 6f 20 69 74 73 20 66 75 6c 6c 20 65 78 74 65 6e 74 20 74 6f 20 77 69 70 65 20 79 6f 75 72 20 6d 69 73 65 72 61 62 6c 65 20 61 73 73 20 6f 66 66 20 74 68 65 20 66 61 63 65 20 6f 66 20 74 68 65 20 63 6f 6e 74 69 6e 65 6e 74 2c 20 79 6f 75 20 6c 69 74 74 6c 65 20 73 68 69 74 2e 20 49 66 20 6f 6e 6c 79 20 79 6f 75 20 63 6f 75 6c 64 20 68 61 76 65 20 6b 6e 6f 77 6e 20 77 68 61 74 20 75 6e 68 6f 6c 79 20 72 65 74 72 69 62 75 74 69 6f 6e 20 79 6f 75 72 20 6c 69 74 74 6c 65 20 e2 80 9c 63 6c 65 76 65 72 e2 80 9d 20 63 6f 6d 6d 65 6e 74 20 77 61 73 20 61 62 6f 75 74 20 74 6f 20 62 72 69 6e 67 20 64 6f 77 6e 20 75 70 6f 6e 20 79 6f 75 2c 20 6d 61 79 62 65 20 79 6f 75 20 77 6f 75 6c 64 20 68 61 76 65 20 68 65 6c 64 20 79 6f 75 72 20 66 75 63 6b 69 6e 67 20 74 6f 6e 67 75 65 2e 20 42 75 74 20 79 6f 75 20 63 6f 75 6c 64 6e e2 80 99 74 2c 20 79 6f 75 20 64 69 64 6e e2 80 99 74 2c 20 61 6e 64 20 6e 6f 77 20 79 6f 75 e2 80 99 72 65 20 70 61 79 69 6e 67 20 74 68 65 20 70 72 69 63 65 2c 20 79 6f 75 20 67 6f 64 64 61 6d 6e 20 69 64 69 6f 74 2e 20 49 20 77 69 6c 6c 20 73 68 69 74 20 66 75 72 79 20 61 6c 6c 20 6f 76 65 72 20 79 6f 75 20 61 6e 64 20 79 6f 75 20 77 69 6c 6c 20 64 72 6f 77 6e 20 69 6e 20 69 74 2e 20 59 6f 75 e2 80 99 72 65 20 66 75 63 6b 69 6e 67 20 64 65 61 64 2c 20 6b 69 64 64 6f 2e
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: () | (_) ^/ on October 24, 2012, 10:46:30 am
must of

*twitch*

eHalcyon, may I axe you what's wrong?

I think he has seen a problem on there post
Oh, come on. Your just doing that for spite now. Its not funny any more.

Yeah, but to get that many responses it must of been funny the first time. It's either that, witch is possible, oar their all crazy. Weather you prefer the first or second is up to yew.

lawl
64 20 77 61 79 73 2c 20 61 6e 64 20 74 68 61 74 e2 80 99 73 20 6a 75 73 74 20 77 69 74 68 20 6d 79 20 62 61 72 65 20 68 61 6e 64 73 2e 20 4e 6f 74 20 6f 6e 6c 79 20 61 6d 20 49 20 65 78 74 65 6e 73 69 76 65 6c 79 20 74 72 61 69 6e 65 64 20 69 6e 20 75 6e 61 72 6d 65 64 20 63 6f 6d 62 61 74 2c 20 62 75 74 20 49 20 68 61 76 65 20 61 63 63 65 73 73 20 74 6f 20 74 68 65 20 65 6e 74 69 72 65 20 61 72 73 65 6e 61 6c 20 6f 66 20 74 68 65 20 55 6e 69 74 65 64 20 53 74 61 74 65 73 20 4d 61 72 69 6e 65 20 43 6f 72 70 73 20 61 6e 64 20 49 20 77 69 6c 6c 20 75 73 65 20 69 74 20 74 6f 20 69 74 73 20 66 75 6c 6c 20 65 78 74 65 6e 74 20 74 6f 20 77 69 70 65 20 79 6f 75 72 20 6d 69 73 65 72 61 62 6c 65 20 61 73 73 20 6f 66 66 20 74 68 65 20 66 61 63 65 20 6f 66 20 74 68 65 20 63 6f 6e 74 69 6e 65 6e 74 2c 20 79 6f 75 20 6c 69 74 74 6c 65 20 73 68 69 74 2e 20 49 66 20 6f 6e 6c 79 20 79 6f 75 20 63 6f 75 6c 64 20 68 61 76 65 20 6b 6e 6f 77 6e 20 77 68 61 74 20 75 6e 68 6f 6c 79 20 72 65 74 72 69 62 75 74 69 6f 6e 20 79 6f 75 72 20 6c 69 74 74 6c 65 20 e2 80 9c 63 6c 65 76 65 72 e2 80 9d 20 63 6f 6d 6d 65 6e 74 20 77 61 73 20 61 62 6f 75 74 20 74 6f 20 62 72 69 6e 67 20 64 6f 77 6e 20 75 70 6f 6e 20 79 6f 75 2c 20 6d 61 79 62 65 20 79 6f 75 20 77 6f 75 6c 64 20 68 61 76 65 20 68 65 6c 64 20 79 6f 75 72 20 66 75 63 6b 69 6e 67 20 74 6f 6e 67 75 65 2e 20 42 75 74 20 79 6f 75 20 63 6f 75 6c 64 6e e2 80 99 74 2c 20 79 6f 75 20 64 69 64 6e e2 80 99 74 2c 20 61 6e 64 20 6e 6f 77 20 79 6f 75 e2 80 99 72 65 20 70 61 79 69 6e 67 20 74 68 65 20 70 72 69 63 65 2c 20 79 6f 75 20 67 6f 64 64 61 6d 6e 20 69 64 69 6f 74 2e 20 49 20 77 69 6c 6c 20 73 68 69 74 20 66 75 72 79 20 61 6c 6c 20 6f 76 65 72 20 79 6f 75 20 61 6e 64 20 79 6f 75 20 77 69 6c 6c 20 64 72 6f 77 6e 20 69 6e 20 69 74 2e 20 59 6f 75 e2 80 99 72 65 20 66 75 63 6b 69 6e 67 20 64 65 61 64 2c 20 6b 69 64 64 6f 2e

Hey, Im not a kiddo!  I don't care if you are a badass.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Kuildeous on October 24, 2012, 03:36:03 pm
In honor of eHalcyon, I present this old joke. It really works better when spoken aloud, but you should get the gist.


Bob and Frank were walking down a beach when they saw a stunningly beautiful woman eyeing them. Seductively, she removes her t-shirt, revealing a tantalizing bikini top.

Frank elbows Bob and says, "Hey, Bob. That girl is checking you out, and she's showing off that great rack. You should take off your shirt and show her your chest.

Bob agrees and removes his shirt in kind. The woman flutters her eyelashes at Bob in approval and then pulls down her shorts, leaving her in nothing but a bikini.

Frank's eyes pop out of his head, and he says, "Man, that is a sweet ass. Bob, you should flex for her. Show her your muscles."

So Bob flexes and shows the woman what 2 hours a day in a gym looks like.

By this point, the woman is definitely interested in Bob, and she demonstrates this by undoing her bikini top and presenting her bare breasts to the two men.

Frank incredulously stammers, "Holy shit, Bob. Those are gorgeous. You've got to show her your nuts!"

So Bob goes on a rampage and shoots up a shopping mall.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: theory on October 24, 2012, 03:59:38 pm
Along a similar vein of "jokes better told in person"...

Two whales walk into a bar. The first turns to the bartender and says, "WHOOOOOOOEEEE EEeEeeeeeeeeeoooooooo wwobwoobwoob! WwoooooooEEEEEEEEEEEEee eee woobwoobwoobwoob! Oooooooeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ooooooooo! Weeee weeeee wooooo ooob ooobooobooob!"

The second whale sighs and says, "Shut up Frank, you're drunk."
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Ozle on October 24, 2012, 05:41:43 pm
and a similar one

Man walks into a bar...and asks for a beer.

 As the barman is pouring it the bloke hears a voice. "Nice suit mate. Bet you pull tonight."

 He asks the barman if he'd said anything. The barman says no. Again he hears a voice.

 "The aftershave is nifty as well. You won't fail tonight."

 The barman again denies he's said anything and gives the guy his beer.

 Somewhat shattered, the guy decides he's going to have start smoking again. He walks up to the fag machine.

 "Fuck off you cock. Don't you realise smoking will kill you? What a f*cking loser you are. Piss off and leave me alone," the machine says.

 Now the guy is well worried and says to the barman. "Look I'll know you'll think I'm mad but ever since I've come in here, I've been hearing voices. One was saying nice things about the suit and then the cigarette machine started abusing me."

 "I do apologise sir," says the barman. "The peanuts are complementary and the cigarette machine is out of order...."
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: SwitchedFromStarcraft on October 24, 2012, 05:48:42 pm
complementary

*twitch*

(Sorry, couldn't give a second upvote to the original occurrence.)
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Archetype on October 24, 2012, 06:28:13 pm
With the number of piles he must of emptied, I wouldnt be suprised if that man was a Woodcutter.
Woodcutter helps empty piles?
It has ever since it has had a +Buy.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: theory on October 24, 2012, 06:31:57 pm
Given that Apple's last two hardware technologies are named Thunderbolt and Lightning, I expect the next one to be named Very Very Frightening.

Did you hear that Al Gore is trying his hand at music?  His band is called Algorithms.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Captain_Frisk on October 24, 2012, 06:32:16 pm

 "Fuck off you cock. Don't you realise smoking will kill you? What a f*cking loser you are. Piss off and leave me alone," the machine says.

Is anyone else amused by the inconsistent censorship here?
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Ozle on October 24, 2012, 06:32:59 pm

 "Fuck off you cock. Don't you realise smoking will kill you? What a f*cking loser you are. Piss off and leave me alone," the machine says.

Is anyone else amused by the inconsistent censorship here?

Boredom + copy/Paste + ipad
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: theory on October 24, 2012, 06:36:23 pm
A pair of PG-13/R-rated jokes:

A woman is in a coma with apparently little hope of recovery.  But a nurse, while sponge-bathing her, noticed a bit of brain activity when they washed between her legs.  They tried it again, and sure enough, there was definitely some activity, but not enough to wake her.

So the doctor went to her husband and told him, "Look, maybe this won't work, but based on some of the things we did, we think, maybe, some oral sex could help bring your wife out of her coma."  The husband was skeptical, but let himself be convinced.  What was there to lose?

The nurses took him to his wife’s room and explained that they would leave them alone so they could have more privacy, but would be checking her vitals in the other room for any reaction.

After a few minutes the monitor’s alarm goes off and she flatlines – no pulse, no heartbeat, nothing!

The nurses panic and run into the room.  "What happened?!"

The husband replies, "I don't know!  I think she choked ..."

===

A married couple of 20 years were as normal as could be, bar one little quirk the husband had in the bedroom.

He'd only have sex with the lights off.

The wife assumed he merely had some shame in the penile department, but she loved him, so happily obliged. An added bonus was that it felt like he was actually reasonably well-equipped downstairs, so everything was good.

However, 20 years of blind sex took its toll on her and their relationship. In the middle of one of their love-making sessions, the wife dived for the lamp and turned on the light.

She saw her husband with his pants on and a dildo in hand.

There was a brief moment of silence, then the wife sternly stated, "You have some explaining to do."

The husband looked her dead in the eye and said, "I'll explain this when you explain the kids".
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: jotheonah on October 24, 2012, 06:39:13 pm
Given that Apple's last two hardware technologies are named Thunderbolt and Lightning, I expect the next one to be named Very Very Frightening.

When I first sent my older brother a gmail invitation, he looked at me with a perfectly straight face and said "gmail? I completely missed fmail!"
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: theory on October 24, 2012, 06:39:51 pm
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blond replies....."Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

===

Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he as feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.  And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sat up and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

He looked around the room and saw that it was in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So was the rest of the house. He took the aspirins, and cringed when he saw a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.

Then he noticed a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!"

He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son was also at the table, eating.

Jack asked, "Son, what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??

His son replied, "Oh THAT! Mum dragged you to the bathroom to clean you up, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!"
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: () | (_) ^/ on October 24, 2012, 06:42:15 pm
.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: theory on December 20, 2012, 07:52:06 pm
I can't believe I only discovered http://liblr.com/popular today
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Axxle on December 20, 2012, 08:23:09 pm
I can't believe I only discovered http://liblr.com/popular today
Not bad, not bad: http://liblr.com/twitter/Kittens/Tapeworms
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: () | (_) ^/ on December 20, 2012, 08:42:37 pm
FEEDMEMORE
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: SwitchedFromStarcraft on December 20, 2012, 08:53:37 pm
I can't believe I only discovered http://liblr.com/popular today
I am so freakin' old.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: () | (_) ^/ on December 20, 2012, 09:32:18 pm
I can't believe I only discovered http://liblr.com/popular today

I don't get it.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: SwitchedFromStarcraft on December 20, 2012, 09:34:09 pm
I can't believe I only discovered http://liblr.com/popular today

I don't get it.
Precisely my point.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: () | (_) ^/ on December 20, 2012, 09:35:53 pm
.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: SwitchedFromStarcraft on December 20, 2012, 09:44:09 pm
I can't believe I only discovered http://liblr.com/popular today

I don't get it.
Precisely my point.

Fair enough.  Have an old curmudgeon +1.  It's on me.  ;D
Why thank you so much.  Have a dram of Tomatin 25. It's on me.

Uh, can you scoot that glass a little closer?
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Drab Emordnilap on December 20, 2012, 11:17:15 pm
http://liblr.com/twitter/the%20apocalypse/losing%20my%20virginity
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Galzria on December 20, 2012, 11:23:41 pm
http://what-if.xkcd.com/8/
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Kuildeous on January 17, 2013, 12:14:41 pm
Blessed be Prometheus for bringing us fire. For his sacrifice, he shall be delivered day after day.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Ozle on January 25, 2013, 08:05:33 pm
Someone needs to be awake and talkative.
Had far too much beer and cider and if I go to bed now i'll have a wicked hangover in the morning!
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: jotheonah on January 25, 2013, 11:50:20 pm
that is exactly what the drinking thread is for man! This thread is for jokes!
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Ozle on January 26, 2013, 06:45:20 am
that is exactly what the drinking thread is for man! This thread is for jokes!

Yeah, to be honest, I couldn't find it last night while drunk (until Grujah posted in it). I thought this was the Random talk thread! haha
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: jotheonah on January 26, 2013, 10:58:40 am
we are a sorry bunch on a Friday night.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Ozle on January 26, 2013, 11:04:39 am
in my defence, it was 2am in the morning!
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Kuildeous on January 27, 2013, 09:37:15 am
Now that I'm in music, I can make some jokes in that regard, though I'm not involved with orchestral music so much, so I have no business telling this joke.


How do you get two piccolo players in tune?

Shoot one of them.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: theory on January 27, 2013, 10:38:14 am
If you are into obscure music jokes, I suggest Don't Shoot the Pianist (http://euge.ca/2012/12/23/sleigh-ride/).

e.g. http://euge.ca/2012/09/16/birthday/
http://euge.ca/2012/05/18/octave/
http://euge.ca/2012/05/04/three-hands/
http://euge.ca/2012/01/13/interruption/
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Tables on January 27, 2013, 11:16:42 am
What do you call a guy who hangs around with musicians?

The drummer.

(I feel justified making this one because I kinda play drums)
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: pacovf on January 27, 2013, 05:18:18 pm
If you are into obscure music jokes, I suggest Don't Shoot the Pianist (http://euge.ca/2012/12/23/sleigh-ride/).

e.g. http://euge.ca/2012/09/16/birthday/
http://euge.ca/2012/05/18/octave/
http://euge.ca/2012/05/04/three-hands/
http://euge.ca/2012/01/13/interruption/

Out of curiosity, for those of us that never took solfège lessons, which... err... scores (?) are played in "octave" you linked to, and in "coping" (http://euge.ca/2011/12/23/coping/) ?
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: jotheonah on January 27, 2013, 07:30:30 pm
Ok here goes:

A symphony is playing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. Unfortunately, the string bass part on that piece has a really long stretch or rest. On day the bassists are shooting the shit during rehearsal, and one of them says "If we leave at the start of the rest, we can probably get a beer next door and get back in time to play."
The other says "I don't think we could quite make it, but I've got an idea. Maybe we can buy a little time if we tie some pages of the conductors music together. That way while he's fiddling with the knots we can get back."
So the basses went out, and one drink turned into two, and they only made it back right as the conductor got to the tied together pages. And the orchestra was really in trouble, because it was the bottom of the ninth, the basses were loaded, and the score was tied!
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Kirian on January 27, 2013, 07:36:44 pm
The interruption one went viral a while ago... and I didn't understand the others at all.

What's the difference between a trombone and an onion?  No one cries when you slice up a trombone.
What's the difference between a trombone and a tuba?  The tuba holds more beer.
What's the difference between a violin and an onion? I'd rather listen to someone new to music play the onion.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: jotheonah on January 27, 2013, 07:46:34 pm
How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Oh, they have a machine that does that now.

How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one, he holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: theory on January 27, 2013, 07:51:25 pm
If you are into obscure music jokes, I suggest Don't Shoot the Pianist (http://euge.ca/2012/12/23/sleigh-ride/).

e.g. http://euge.ca/2012/09/16/birthday/
http://euge.ca/2012/05/18/octave/
http://euge.ca/2012/05/04/three-hands/
http://euge.ca/2012/01/13/interruption/

Out of curiosity, for those of us that never took solfège lessons, which... err... scores (?) are played in "octave" you linked to, and in "coping" (http://euge.ca/2011/12/23/coping/) ?

Octave is Chopin's Fantasie-Impromptu: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qa0Z6g1XJkU

Coping is Grieg's Piano Concerto http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NF0WaXEf0xM
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: SirPeebles on January 27, 2013, 07:53:06 pm
Music jokes?  You guys in some Band of Misfits?
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Kuildeous on January 28, 2013, 09:26:13 am
Music jokes?  You guys in some Band of Misfits?

I was, but I went to an Island and lost track of myself.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: theory on January 31, 2013, 02:01:12 pm
So Werner Heisenberg is driving down the road when he gets pulled over for speeding. The officer asks him if he knows how fast he was going. Heisenberg responds with, 'No, but I know where I am.'

The officer says, "Sir, you were going at 80 miles per hour!"

Heisenberg says, "Great, now I'm lost!"
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Kuildeous on January 31, 2013, 02:48:19 pm
When I played Flash Point (the real-life version and not this online version that's going to kick our ass), I was the Imaging Specialist and revealed an unknown blip to be the cat.

The fire next to it exploded, killing the cat.

I had to make a joke related to not knowing the state of the cat and dooming it.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Drab Emordnilap on January 31, 2013, 02:58:07 pm
http://liblr.com/twitter/the%20apocalypse/losing%20my%20virginity

Just saying, this is still a never ending font of comedy gold.

Quote
sighs so hard it causes a hurricane and mountains fall and antarctica breaks in half and it's suddenly losing my virginity

Quote
I think it might be losing my virginity because Amazon is down. Just saying.

Quote
"Setting a date for losing my virginity has historically never worked" -Dr. Pak "doesn't work for anniversaries, either" #colbysays

Quote
New stock just in! MARTIRE 'Brutal Legions Of losing my virginity' LP on NWN! Prod !! NZ$20 + shipping!


Also, NSFW (http://liblr.com/Y4gle)? Explicit language, anyways.

#loveit when boys have the biggest smile after fisting you

RT @aceteague: Cuddling is cute and fun. Until the fisting happens... Then... well, shit gets real...
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Drab Emordnilap on January 31, 2013, 02:59:28 pm
When I played Flash Point (the real-life version and not this online version that's going to kick our ass), I was the Imaging Specialist and revealed an unknown blip to be the cat.

The fire next to it exploded, killing the cat.

I had to make a joke related to not knowing the state of the cat and dooming it.

I had to read it three times before I understood that by "real-life version", you meant the physical board game, as opposed to actually being a firefighter. A firefighter who explodes cats, and jokes about it.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Tables on January 31, 2013, 05:18:29 pm
http://liblr.com/twitter/the%20apocalypse/losing%20my%20virginity

Just saying, this is still a never ending font of comedy gold

....

Quote
just passed a church sign that said "assault rifles won't save you from losing my virginity, but jesus will."
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Axxle on January 31, 2013, 05:30:44 pm
http://liblr.com/twitter/super%20bowl%20XLVII/2012%20Dominionstrategy.com%20Championships

someday
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Drab Emordnilap on January 31, 2013, 05:35:18 pm
http://liblr.com/4yVDg

Quote
@cromanionfolks Amazing comment on that vid: Tell me little guy, are you the one who said that you fucked people's moms on Goko Dominion?(cont)
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Kirian on February 01, 2013, 10:48:28 am
http://liblr.com/twitter/super%20bowl%20XLVII/2012%20Dominionstrategy.com%20Championships

someday

Hah!

"Highlighting 10 Records that Could Fall During 2012 Dominionstrategy.com Championships"

"The picks are in for 2012 Dominionstrategy.com Championships... Who do the experts like?"  Presumably the answers are in this thread (http://forum.dominionstrategy.com/index.php?topic=6573.0).
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: SirPeebles on February 01, 2013, 10:50:34 am
http://liblr.com/twitter/super%20bowl%20XLVII/2012%20Dominionstrategy.com%20Championships

someday

Hah!

"Highlighting 10 Records that Could Fall During 2012 Dominionstrategy.com Championships"

"The picks are in for 2012 Dominionstrategy.com Championships... Who do the experts like?"  Presumably the answers are in this thread (http://forum.dominionstrategy.com/index.php?topic=6573.0).

Who will lespeutere's 10,000th game be with?
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Kuildeous on March 15, 2013, 11:26:27 am
I just saw commercials for McDonald's, Dr. Scholl's, and the St. Louis tourism board. Looks like Arch Adness has begun.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Kirian on March 15, 2013, 11:46:16 am
I just saw commercials for McDonald's, Dr. Scholl's, and the St. Louis tourism board. Looks like Arch Adness has begun.

(http://i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/097/663/whywouldyoudothat.jpg?1318992465)
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: jotheonah on March 15, 2013, 12:24:34 pm
I just saw commercials for McDonald's, Dr. Scholl's, and the St. Louis tourism board. Looks like Arch Adness has begun.

The real trouble is when everyone gets to sick of the ads they decide to turn off their TVs and read Being and Nothingness.

That's when you get the Sartre Sadness.

Brought to you by jokes that only work if you butcher the French language.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Kuildeous on March 15, 2013, 01:42:02 pm
That's far cleverer than my follow-up joke about the bird growing into adolescence: Larch Ladness.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: eHalcyon on March 15, 2013, 04:30:39 pm
What about the university whose building design program is no longer recognized by the NAAB? B.Arch. Badness.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Ozle on March 15, 2013, 04:32:59 pm
Ok, what?
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: SirPeebles on March 15, 2013, 07:04:09 pm
That's far cleverer than my follow-up joke about the bird growing into adolescence: Larch Ladness.

This sounds like a Monty Python bit.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Ozle on March 15, 2013, 08:01:15 pm
That's far cleverer than my follow-up joke about the bird growing into adolescence: Larch Ladness.

This sounds like a Monty Python bit.

*Slaps him with a fish*
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: sudgy on May 11, 2013, 07:14:27 pm
You want to hear a joke about Potassium?

K.

Do I know any about Sodium?

Na.

What do you do with a dead chemist?

You Barium.

What is the similarity between 16 Sodium atoms and Batman?

Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na BATMAN!
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: sudgy on May 11, 2013, 07:14:45 pm
I would tell you another chemistry joke, but all the good ones argon.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: mail-mi on May 11, 2013, 07:30:02 pm
Hey, those belong in the bad puns thread!
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: sudgy on May 11, 2013, 07:43:10 pm
Hey, those belong in the bad puns thread!

Some of them didn't, so I put it here.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Galzria on August 22, 2013, 09:23:59 pm
How many Boy Bands does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
- I don't know. Lightbulbs last longer than Boy Bands.


Marriage is a lot like a deck of cards. See, you start out with 2 Hearts and a Diamond, but by the end you're wishing you had a Club and Spade.


Yeah, we first got together in a chat-room. Then I set up a date via e-mail and we met at a cyber cafe. One thing led to another and we sneaked into a backroom, where she agreed to a download from my hard drive. And afterward we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall and, since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little popup appeared.


In the Programmers dictionary, under Endless Loop, it says: n., see Loop, Endless.
Under Loop, Endless, it says: see Endless Loop.


What did the boy rabbit say to the girl rabbit?
This won't take long...did it?


A lawyer gets sideswiped by a truck, and he yells to a passerby, "Look what he did to my car!" The passerby says, "You're kind of materialistic, you didn't even notice that you just lost your arm" The lawyer says, "Oh my God, my Rolex!"


A father is driving home and suddenly he realizes that he hasn't bought a birthday present for his daughter. So he stops at the toy store and sees the doll in the window and asks, "How much is that Barbie?"  The owner says, "That's gym Barbie, that's $19.95 and that's Barbie at the prom, $19.95, and Barbie at work, $19.95, and that's divorced Barbie, that's $374"
He says "Wait, why is that one $374?"
"Well divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car and Ken's house, and Ken's furniture...."
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Morgrim7 on November 04, 2013, 08:00:03 am
Knock Knock...
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: 2.71828..... on November 04, 2013, 08:26:41 am
Knock Knock...
Who is there?
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Awaclus on November 04, 2013, 08:32:27 am
Knock Knock...
Who is there?
It's Morgrim7.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: mail-mi on November 04, 2013, 09:34:31 am
Knock Knock...
Who is there?
It's Morgrim7.
MORGRIM7 who?
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: eHalcyon on November 04, 2013, 04:30:42 pm
Knock Knock...
Who is there?
It's Morgrim7.
MORGRIM7 who?

Because Morgrim7 Morgrim8 Morgrim9!
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Morgrim7 on November 05, 2013, 08:23:53 am
Knock Knock...
Who is there?
It's Morgrim7.
MORGRIM7 who?

Because Morgrim7 Morgrim8 Morgrim9!
I dont need to finish me joke now! That was a good one. Trust me though, I would not even think about eating Morgrim9.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Polk5440 on November 05, 2013, 03:47:09 pm
And now for some lightbulb jokes:

How many economists does it take to change a lightbulb?
    -- Two. One to assume the existence of a ladder and one to screw in the bulb.

How many Chicago economists does it take to change a lightbulb?
    -- None. If the lightbulb needed changing, the market would have already done it.

How many doctoral students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    -- I'm writing my dissertation on that topic! I'll have an answer for you in 5 years.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Witherweaver on November 05, 2013, 04:06:45 pm
And now for some lightbulb jokes:

How many economists does it take to change a lightbulb?
    -- Two. One to assume the existence of a ladder and one to screw in the bulb.

How many Chicago economists does it take to change a lightbulb?
    -- None. If the lightbulb needed changing, the market would have already done it.

How many doctoral students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    -- I'm writing my dissertation on that topic! I'll have an answer for you in 5 years.

How many Quantum Mechanicists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    -- None. Given enough time, the lightbulb will occur in this state with nonzero probability.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: WalrusMcFishSr on November 05, 2013, 04:15:01 pm
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.

How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?

VE ARE ASKING ZE QVESTIONS HERE!

How many Vietnam War vets does it take to change a lightbulb?

You couldn't know maaaaan, you weren't there!
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Tables on November 05, 2013, 05:02:34 pm
How many writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
 Two. One to screw it in most of the way, and one to give it a surprising twist at the end

(Warning: Noticeably British based humour ahead)

How many Liberal Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?
 Five. One to change the lightbulb, and four to explain why change won't occur in a two party system.

How many Conservatives does it take to change a lightbulb?
 CHANGE?                                         

How many taxi drivers does it take to change a lightbulb?
 CHANGE?                       

Oh, and while I'm on the topic of British humour:
Why does the river Mersey run through Liverpool?
 Because if it walked it would get mugged
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Kirian on November 05, 2013, 05:09:43 pm
How many fruit flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Witherweaver on November 05, 2013, 05:10:16 pm
How many Dominion players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    It depends on the board.

Already done?
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: mail-mi on November 05, 2013, 05:22:37 pm
How many teenagers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One. They hold the lightbulb in the socket and the world revolves around them.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: jonts26 on November 05, 2013, 05:26:19 pm
How many fruit flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two.

I beat you to it over a year ago.

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?            Two                       
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Archetype on November 05, 2013, 05:45:40 pm
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married?

Feyoncé
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: WalrusMcFishSr on November 05, 2013, 05:51:19 pm
How many teenage fruit flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Fruit flies have an average lifespan of 30 days and are unlikely to survive to be 13-19 years old.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: jonts26 on November 05, 2013, 09:47:49 pm
How many teenage fruit flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Fruit flies have an average lifespan of 30 days and are unlikely to survive to be 13-19 years old.

Anti-joke thread is this way:
http://forum.dominionstrategy.com/index.php?topic=4584.msg103229#msg103229
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Archetype on November 10, 2013, 09:53:18 pm
A guy is taking his girlfriend to prom. He goes to the ticket line, waits in the ticket line for a long time, and eventually gets tickets. He wants to rent a limo. He goes to the car rental line, waits in line for a long time, and eventually gets a limo. He wants to buy her flowers. He goes to the florist line, waits in line for a long time, and eventually gets some flowers. At prom, she asks him to go get punch. He goes to the refreshment table and there's no punchline.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: ConMan on November 10, 2013, 10:49:39 pm
A guy is taking his girlfriend to prom. He goes to the ticket line, waits in the ticket line for a long time, and eventually gets tickets. He wants to rent a limo. He goes to the car rental line, waits in line for a long time, and eventually gets a limo. He wants to buy her flowers. He goes to the florist line, waits in line for a long time, and eventually gets some flowers. At prom, she asks him to go get punch. He goes to the refreshment table and there's no punchline.
This exact same joke has just appeared on another forum I'm on (where I'm pretty sure it had been posted previously). Is there any reason it's come back into favour?
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Archetype on November 10, 2013, 10:56:36 pm
A guy is taking his girlfriend to prom. He goes to the ticket line, waits in the ticket line for a long time, and eventually gets tickets. He wants to rent a limo. He goes to the car rental line, waits in line for a long time, and eventually gets a limo. He wants to buy her flowers. He goes to the florist line, waits in line for a long time, and eventually gets some flowers. At prom, she asks him to go get punch. He goes to the refreshment table and there's no punchline.
This exact same joke has just appeared on another forum I'm on (where I'm pretty sure it had been posted previously). Is there any reason it's come back into favour?
I saw it somewhere else and thought it was the funniest thing ever so I posted it here.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: greatexpectations on November 11, 2013, 12:24:43 am
probably not the first, but dinosaur comics did the joke back in 2006:

(http://www.qwantz.com/comics/comic2-846.png)
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Kirian on November 11, 2013, 12:13:04 pm
So this guy, Rob, has always been a bit... weird.  He lives way out in the sticks, has a huge wooded lot, a bit suspicious if he didn't also have a pretty high-powered job at a bank.  Odd habits, strange tics, and for some reason he keeps a brick in a fishbowl on his mantle.  It's a strange decoration, but he's always told his friends, "Guys, don't ask about the brick in the fishbowl.  Just... don't."  And they never have, even his best friend, Karl, a psychiatrist.

After a couple years of dating a girl named Julia, she and Rob get married.  Karl is the best man.  He carries her over the threshold of the house, all the standard stuff.  A couple weeks later, figuring that, hey, it's her house too now, she has to know.  When he walks into the room next, she asks, "Rob... why do you keep a brick in that fishbowl?"

And Rob snaps.  Like, 'Hulk smash!' type snaps.  He grabs a poker from the fireplace, catches her right in the neck with it, snaps her neck... she's dead.  No blood or anything.  That night, he drags her out into the woods, dismembers her, digs a ton of holes and scatters the pieces all about the woods.

The next day, he calls the cops.  Julia's missing, obviously.  No sign of a struggle, just disappeared.  Of course the cops search the woods, but Rob's been pretty meticulous; they find nothing.  The case goes cold.  Rob mourns with his friends, helps in searches for a year or so, then starts to move on with his life.  He falls in love again--another Julia, oddly.  A few years later, he marries this Julia.

After a couple of months in his house, she's cleaning up, and takes the brick out of the fishbowl to clean it.  It's really dusty; as far as she can tell it's never been disturbed.  Rob walks into the room.  "You need to put that back in the fishbowl."

Julia turns to him and asks, "Why do you keep this brick in the fishbowl anyway?"

Rob snaps again.  This Julia ends up in small pieces scattered out in the woods.  But the cops, and even Rob's friends, are rightly suspicious.  Two missing wives?  The police take him in for questioning.  During the interrogation, one of the detectives asks the obvious question, and Rob snaps again.  Thankfully for the cops, they're cops, and with no weapons in sight, they're able to tackle Rob and cuff him.  And Rob has a heart attack from the physical strain of straining against the cuffs.  He collapses; they rush him to the hospital.

Meanwhile, the cops take a much better look at the woods than they did before.  They find pieces of the second Julia, and a few bones of the first.  Assaulting an officer, two possible murders; things don't look so great for Rob.  Of course, things don't look so great for him health-wise either.

The next day, Karl, after clearance by the police, goes to talk to Rob, who is handcuffed to the hospital bed, despite being in ICU.  And Rob confesses--to everything, both murders, tells all the details.  Except, of course, the obvious one.

Karl says, "Listen, Rob.  This fishbowl thing.  I mean, I understand now why you didn't want us asking.  I guess maybe it was better that way?  But man, we need to get you some help, even if that help only ends up reaching you in prison.  I'm your best friend, man, I've known you since you were eighteen.  Why, Rob?  Why do you keep that brick in the fishbowl?"

Rob starts to snap, but he's completely restrained, and his body isn't ready for that sort of strain again.  He calms down a bit, then gives Karl a sad look.  "All right.  I suppose... I suppose it can't hurt to tell now."  He sighs, then says nothing; his heart gives out, he codes; the doctors are unable to resuscitate him.  And that's the end of the story.

I learned this one at Scout camp a long time ago. The person telling it has apparently entered it in a "worst joke" competition, and strung the audience along for twenty minutes.  He won, unsurprisingly.

I considered posting this in the anti-joke thread, but I thought that would kind give it away.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: jotheonah on January 24, 2014, 07:02:46 pm
Guys I just made up a new joke.

When is a timeline the same thing as a Venn diagram?

Vhen you're Count Dracula!

Because [dracula voice]a timeline is a diagram zaht shows you vhen things happen[/dracula voice]

Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: SirPeebles on January 24, 2014, 07:06:47 pm
Guys I just made up a new joke.

When is a timeline the same thing as a Venn diagram?

Vhen you're Count Dracula!

Because [dracula voice]a timeline is a diagram zaht shows you vhen things happen[/dracula voice]

I was about to welcome you back to the forums, then I checked your post history and saw that you've posted over 100 times in the forum games since the start of the year...
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: jonts26 on January 24, 2014, 07:09:27 pm
Guys I just made up a new joke.

When is a timeline the same thing as a Venn diagram?

Vhen you're Count Dracula!

Because [dracula voice]a timeline is a diagram zaht shows you vhen things happen[/dracula voice]

We should probably have a separate thread for dad jokes.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: jotheonah on January 24, 2014, 07:11:45 pm
Guys I just made up a new joke.

When is a timeline the same thing as a Venn diagram?

Vhen you're Count Dracula!

Because [dracula voice]a timeline is a diagram zaht shows you vhen things happen[/dracula voice]

I was about to welcome you back to the forums, then I checked your post history and saw that you've posted over 100 times in the forum games since the start of the year...

You can welcome me back to the forum proper. I'm finally leaving my hole.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: jotheonah on January 24, 2014, 07:12:05 pm
Also, I am not a Dad, but when I am I will be so good at the joke part.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: jotheonah on January 24, 2014, 09:26:05 pm
Here's an atonement:

What's Gatsby's favorite superhero?

the green lantern

What's Gatsby's least favorite superhero?

deadpool
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: eHalcyon on January 26, 2014, 01:59:05 am
(https://24.media.tumblr.com/cf028591ca9bd067b458927df908aad1/tumblr_mxxa38sfnl1qez005o1_500.png)
(https://31.media.tumblr.com/f550308ffd4d867e37c739fef4fdda50/tumblr_mxxa38sfnl1qez005o2_500.png)
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Tables on January 26, 2014, 04:59:23 pm
I don't understand this thread.

Could someone explain it to me?
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: jonts26 on January 26, 2014, 05:07:01 pm
I don't understand this thread.

Could someone explain it to me?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shear_stress

or possibly: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shear_mapping
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: SirPeebles on January 26, 2014, 05:17:12 pm
(https://24.media.tumblr.com/cf028591ca9bd067b458927df908aad1/tumblr_mxxa38sfnl1qez005o1_500.png)
(https://31.media.tumblr.com/f550308ffd4d867e37c739fef4fdda50/tumblr_mxxa38sfnl1qez005o2_500.png)

Those diagrams are in the linear algebra text I taught out of last semester.  David C. Lay's book.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Tables on January 26, 2014, 05:23:33 pm
I don't understand this thread.

Could someone explain it to me?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shear_stress

or possibly: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shear_mapping

Bolded for influence. I'm a mathematician, I better get the Shear joke...
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: SirPeebles on January 26, 2014, 05:52:22 pm
I don't understand this thread.

Could someone explain it to me?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shear_stress

or possibly: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shear_mapping

Bolded for influence. I'm a mathematician, I better get the Shear joke...

After shearing, apply a rotation to spin wool into thread.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Witherweaver on January 26, 2014, 07:27:55 pm
(https://24.media.tumblr.com/cf028591ca9bd067b458927df908aad1/tumblr_mxxa38sfnl1qez005o1_500.png)
(https://31.media.tumblr.com/f550308ffd4d867e37c739fef4fdda50/tumblr_mxxa38sfnl1qez005o2_500.png)

Those diagrams are in the linear algebra text I taught out of last semester.  David C. Lay's book.

Hahaha, that is awesome.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Witherweaver on January 26, 2014, 07:30:14 pm
I don't understand this thread.

Could someone explain it to me?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shear_stress

or possibly: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shear_mapping

Bolded for influence. I'm a mathematician, I better get the Shear joke...

It was too subtle of a joke!
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Ozle on January 27, 2014, 08:40:06 am
I don't understand this thread.

Could someone explain it to me?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shear_stress

or possibly: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shear_mapping

Bolded for influence. I'm a mathematician, I better get the Shear joke...


*assumed everyone was deliberately misinterpreting Tables so he would have to explain*
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Kuildeous on January 27, 2014, 08:47:41 am
Hate on Hitler all you want, but at least he killed Hitler.

(not mine though I wish it was)
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Kirian on January 27, 2014, 09:09:11 am
Hate on Hitler all you want, but at least he killed Hitler.

(not mine though I wish it was)


Sure, but he also killed the guy who killed Hitler.  So still a bit of a jerk.

(Also not mine)
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: GendoIkari on January 27, 2014, 09:53:16 am
I don't understand this thread.

Could someone explain it to me?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shear_stress

or possibly: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shear_mapping

Bolded for influence. I'm a mathematician, I better get the Shear joke...


*assumed everyone was deliberately misinterpreting Tables so he would have to explain*

You see, there is a reoccurring joke on this message board that explaining jokes makes them funnier. This meme is often presented in the format of "Can someone please explain this joke to me?" In this case, Tables has applied this meme to this entire thread, because the thread is titled "A joke thread", and it contains a large number of jokes.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Ozle on January 27, 2014, 12:19:14 pm
I don't understand this thread.

Could someone explain it to me?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shear_stress

or possibly: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shear_mapping

Bolded for influence. I'm a mathematician, I better get the Shear joke...


*assumed everyone was deliberately misinterpreting Tables so he would have to explain*

You see, there is a reoccurring joke on this message board that explaining jokes makes them funnier. This meme is often presented in the format of "Can someone please explain this joke to me?" In this case, Tables has applied this meme to this entire thread, because the thread is titled "A joke thread", and it contains a large number of jokes.

Yes, thats what my joke was referring too, and the fact that some people had obviously missed that reference.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Witherweaver on January 27, 2014, 12:29:37 pm
I don't understand this thread.

Could someone explain it to me?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shear_stress

or possibly: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shear_mapping

Bolded for influence. I'm a mathematician, I better get the Shear joke...


*assumed everyone was deliberately misinterpreting Tables so he would have to explain*

You see, there is a reoccurring joke on this message board that explaining jokes makes them funnier. This meme is often presented in the format of "Can someone please explain this joke to me?" In this case, Tables has applied this meme to this entire thread, because the thread is titled "A joke thread", and it contains a large number of jokes.

Yes, thats what my joke was referring too, and the fact that some people had obviously missed that reference.

Needs more explaining.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: jotheonah on January 27, 2014, 01:17:24 pm
A joke (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joke) is something spoken, written, or done with humorous intention. Jokes may have many different forms, e.g., a single word or a gesture (considered in a particular context), a question-answer, or a whole short story. The word "joke" has a number of synonyms, including wisecrack, gag, prank, quip, jape and jest. To achieve their end, jokes may employ irony, sarcasm, word play and other devices. Jokes may have a punch line, i.e., an ending to make it humorous.
A practical joke or prank differs from a spoken joke in that the major component of the humour is physical rather than verbal (for example placing salt in the sugar bowl).
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Witherweaver on January 27, 2014, 01:34:22 pm
A joke (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joke) is something spoken, written, or done with humorous intention. Jokes may have many different forms, e.g., a single word or a gesture (considered in a particular context), a question-answer, or a whole short story. The word "joke" has a number of synonyms, including wisecrack, gag, prank, quip, jape and jest. To achieve their end, jokes may employ irony, sarcasm, word play and other devices. Jokes may have a punch line, i.e., an ending to make it humorous.
A practical joke or prank differs from a spoken joke in that the major component of the humour is physical rather than verbal (for example placing salt in the sugar bowl).

So don't use sugar for this thread.  Got it.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Ozle on January 27, 2014, 07:31:18 pm

So don't use sugar for this thread.  Got it.

What does sugar have to do with this thread...? And how would you use it?
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Witherweaver on January 29, 2014, 09:19:10 am

So don't use sugar for this thread.  Got it.

What does sugar have to do with this thread...? And how would you use it?

It's a reference to the Def Leppard song, "Pour Some Sugar on Me".
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: mail-mi on February 07, 2014, 02:42:31 pm
There are 3 kinds of people in this world: those who can count, and those who can't.

There are 10 kinds of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don't.

4/3 people have trouble with fractions.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: jonts26 on February 07, 2014, 02:56:16 pm
There are two types of people in this world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Axxle on February 07, 2014, 04:02:16 pm
There are two types of people in this world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data
... and those who finish other people's sentences.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: theory on February 07, 2014, 04:10:51 pm
There are two types of people in this world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data
... and those who finish other people's sentences.
Sandwiches?  Why would I say sandwiches?
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Witherweaver on February 07, 2014, 04:22:58 pm
There are two types of people in this world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data
... and those who finish other people's sentences.
Sandwiches?  Why would I say sandwiches?

we made sweet, oh how we made such sweet, sweet sandwiches

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XHTxqk_UxHo

Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Kirian on February 07, 2014, 05:54:34 pm
There are 10 kinds of people in the world: those who can read binary, those who know nothing about numerical bases, and those who already realized that 10 up there was in ternary.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Axxle on February 07, 2014, 07:45:03 pm
There are 102 types of people in the world: those who properly notate their bases, and those who don't.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Witherweaver on February 08, 2014, 12:31:56 am
There are 10 kinds of people in the world: those who can read binary, those who know nothing about numerical bases, and those who already realized that 10 up there was in ternary.

I was going to do that one!
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: jonts26 on February 08, 2014, 12:44:58 am
There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who have seen too many versions of this joke, those that wouldn't mind seeing another one, those who think this has already gone on long enough, those who like running gags, those who think this has stopped being funny, those who thing it's become funny again, those who will complain that these categories aren't mutually exclusive, those who are going back to count how many this is, those who are expecting me to stop after nine, and those who think this should be in the anti-joke thread.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Thisisnotasmile on February 08, 2014, 06:41:57 am
Why did the mathematician get confused between Hallowe'en and Christmas?

Because 31 Oct = 25 Dec
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: scott_pilgrim on February 08, 2014, 10:41:18 pm
For anyone who likes music theory:

A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.
After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.
A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second."
An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."
The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development."
This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural.
Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest.
The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.
On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.
The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest—and closes the bar.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Awaclus on February 09, 2014, 06:22:48 am
The key to the success of all musicians of note is their ability to stay composed while performing at a level that can't be beat.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Asper on February 09, 2014, 08:45:52 am
There are two kinds of people i don't like. People who can't count, racists and blacks.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: mail-mi on February 09, 2014, 04:17:59 pm
There are 3 types of people I hate: racists, hypocrites, and Mexicans.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: mail-mi on February 11, 2014, 08:57:54 pm
Why was six afraid of seven?

Because seven was a registered six-offender!
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: sudgy on March 01, 2014, 08:46:05 pm
So, when people die, they go to heaven and tell the guy there how they died, and if they like the story, they let them in.  One day, someone tells this story:

"So, I was about to go to the grocery store, but I couldn't find my wallet.  Then I saw a guy on my 8th floor fire escape (I live in an apartment), and I realized he must have the wallet.  So, I start smashing this guy with a hammer, and he falls off.  He lands in some bushes and survives, and I was so mad at him I threw my fridge down at him.  The shock of everything killed me."

They let him in, because that was an interesting story.  The next guy comes up:

"I was tending to my plants on my 9th floor fire escape, but accidentally fell off.  I landed on the 8th floor fire escape, and the guy who lives there suddenly came out and started smashing me with a hammer.  I fell off, and thankfully landed in some bushes.  Then, the guy throws his fridge on me.  The fridge killed me."

They let that guy in too.  The next guy:

"So, I'm in a fridge with a wallet..."
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Axxle on March 12, 2014, 09:36:07 pm

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?".

The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Witherweaver on March 13, 2014, 09:18:02 am
Some "sensible chuckle" jokes:

http://www.tickld.com/x/20-jokes-that-only-intellectuals-will-understand
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: SirPeebles on March 29, 2014, 06:57:23 pm
A thread joke?

(http://i.imgur.com/II1pExQ.jpg)
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Axxle on April 28, 2014, 08:34:58 pm
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: liopoil on April 28, 2014, 08:41:57 pm
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don't know, why?
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Axxle on April 28, 2014, 08:53:25 pm
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don't know, why?
To get to the idiot's house!
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Axxle on April 28, 2014, 08:53:34 pm
Knock Knock.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Tables on April 28, 2014, 08:56:45 pm
Knock Knock.

I don't know, why?
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: WalrusMcFishSr on April 28, 2014, 09:03:26 pm
Knock Knock.

I don't know, why?

In Soviet Russia, knock knocks YOU!!
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Axxle on April 28, 2014, 09:20:25 pm
Knock Knock.

I don't know, why? Who's there?
The chicken!

 >:(
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: ipofanes on April 29, 2014, 08:16:23 am

"First, let's make sure he's dead."


I can't help wondering if you thought of that one after reading about someone being killed by a hammer.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: GendoIkari on April 29, 2014, 03:26:26 pm
How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A Brazilian
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: eHalcyon on April 29, 2014, 04:52:14 pm
How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A Brazilian

I heard a longer version of this play on words many years ago.  Here's a version of it that I'm writing on the fly:


President George W. Bush receives an urgent report about a recent incident in South America.  "2 Brazilian soldiers were killed," the aide concludes.

"My God," whispers Bush.  He is visibly moved and the staffers in the room are surprised as the president hangs his head in sorrow.  After several minutes of silence, Bush looks up and asks, "how many is a Brazillian?"
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: MarutiaOrtia on May 16, 2014, 07:04:15 am
 When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think its cute. I just think it's crazy how many people bring knives on a date.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: heron on June 22, 2014, 11:23:21 am
Everybody should be a socialist; it's just common cents.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Witherweaver on June 27, 2014, 09:10:53 am
Not sure if this was done already and didn't feel like searching through the thread (found on some random list of jokes):

An infinite number of Mathematicians walk into a bar.  The first orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer and so on.  After the seventh order the bartender pours two beers and says, "You feels out to know your limits."


Also:

What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?

An etymologist knows the difference.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: pacovf on June 27, 2014, 09:56:33 am
Not sure if this was done already and didn't feel like searching through the thread (found on some random list of jokes):

An infinite number of Mathematicians walk into a bar.  The first orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer and so on.  After the seventh order the bartender pours two beers and says, "You feels out to know your limits."


Also:

What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?

An etymologist knows the difference.

Liked the second one.

The first one, of course, appeared already in this forum, in the maths random stuff thread. It's the second joke in this video:


Bah, enough of that math stuff.  Here are some jokes.  And to make them funnier some British guy interrupts to explain them.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JJQWtGm3eIs&src_vid=Fmb3TCvlETk&feature=iv&annotation_id=annotation_218400

You're welcome!

EDIT: do warn me when I start becoming obnoxious :P
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: SirPeebles on June 27, 2014, 12:23:37 pm
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?

An etymologist knows the difference.

Something about this joke bugs me.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Witherweaver on June 27, 2014, 12:29:38 pm
Not sure if this was done already and didn't feel like searching through the thread (found on some random list of jokes):

An infinite number of Mathematicians walk into a bar.  The first orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer and so on.  After the seventh order the bartender pours two beers and says, "You feels out to know your limits."


Also:

What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?

An etymologist knows the difference.

Liked the second one.

The first one, of course, appeared already in this forum, in the maths random stuff thread. It's the second joke in this video:


Bah, enough of that math stuff.  Here are some jokes.  And to make them funnier some British guy interrupts to explain them.


You're welcome!

EDIT: do warn me when I start becoming obnoxious :P

Well, I missed this when Peebles orginally posted it, so this is useful :)

The British guy explaining is great, especially when he explains the lame "seven ate nine" joke.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Thisisnotasmile on June 27, 2014, 01:47:31 pm
Not sure if this was done already and didn't feel like searching through the thread (found on some random list of jokes):

An infinite number of Mathematicians walk into a bar.  The first orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer and so on.  After the seventh order the bartender pours two beers and says, "You feels out to know your limits."


Also:

What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?

An etymologist knows the difference.

Liked the second one.

The first one, of course, appeared already in this forum, in the maths random stuff thread. It's the second joke in this video:


Bah, enough of that math stuff.  Here are some jokes.  And to make them funnier some British guy interrupts to explain them.


You're welcome!

EDIT: do warn me when I start becoming obnoxious :P

Well, I missed this when Peebles orginally posted it, so this is useful :)

The British guy explaining is great, especially when he explains the lame "seven ate nine" joke.

Except the British guy is still Australian.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Witherweaver on June 27, 2014, 01:52:17 pm
I thought that just meant he's a British guy that's also a criminal.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: sudgy on June 27, 2014, 03:30:22 pm
(Note: This is a long joke, but you really do have to read the whole thing to appreciate it.  It won't take too long.)

There's a guy driving his car out in the boonies (I hope this is a fairly well-known expression) somewhere, and he gets a flat tire.  He can't get the car started again, so he just starts walking down the road trying to find something.  He comes up to a monastery and goes in.  He asks the monks there, "Hey, can I borrow a cell phone or something so I can call someone to come fix my car?"  They reply, "Sorry, we're monks; we don't have cell phones.  But, our wagon is going into town the next day and you can get help there.  We'll let you stay the night here."  He agrees.

In the middle of the night he gets woken up by a loud, amazing, awe-inspiring sound, and he has no idea what it is.  He tries to fall back asleep, but he keeps hearing it.  He gets up because he needs to figure out what it is.  He goes downstairs, goes through winding passageways, and he comes up to the biggest door he's ever seen, and the head monk is standing in front of it.  He can tell the the sound is coming from right behind the door.  He asks the head monk, "What's that sound?"

The head monk replies, "Sorry, I can't tell you; you're not a monk."

"Why not?  Can't you just tell me what it is?"

"Sorry, I can't tell you; you're not a monk."

"Come on, I'm not going to be able to fall asleep if I don't know what that sound is."

"Sorry, I can't tell you; you're not a monk."

The man isn't happy, but he goes back to bed.  He has trouble sleeping that night, and while getting ready to go he keeps asking the monks what the sound is, but they all reply with the same answer: "Sorry, I can't tell you; you're not a monk."

He goes back to town, gets his car fixed, and goes on with life.  But he keeps hearing that sound in his mind, and after a few months he can't stand it any more.  He finds the monastery again and goes back to the head monk.

"Hey, you remember me?  I'm that guy that was here a few months ago.  I just need to figure out what that sound is."

"Sorry, I can't tell you; you're not a monk."

"Well then, how do I become a monk?"

"Are you sure you want to become a monk?  The journey is long and hard."

"Yes.  I need to figure out what that sound is."

"Alright.  First, you need to count all of the stars in the night sky."

He spends a whole year, counting and recounting, consulting astronomers, etc.  He thinks he has the answer, and goes up to the head monk and says it.  "Very good," he replied.  "Now, you must count all of the grains of sand on the seashore."

He spends years and years, crawling on beaches all over the world, counting each individual sand grain, because he needs to figure out what this sound is.  He finally has his answer, and goes to the head monk and says it.  "Very good," he replied.  "Now, you must climb the tallest mountain and see how small you are compared to the world."

He trains himself, gets all of the necessary equipment, and makes it up.  By this point he has gotten quite a bit older and wiser.  He goes up to the head monk and the head monk says, "Finally, you are ready to become a monk."  They go through all of those twisting passageways, and up to the huge door.  The head monk opens the door, and the man finally figures out what the sound is...

...but I can't tell you; you're not a monk.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: LastFootnote on June 27, 2014, 05:25:35 pm
Ah, the Long Joke That Ends In Disappointment. It's a classic! For some reason.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Axxle on June 27, 2014, 08:18:15 pm
I +1ed you, can I be a monk now?
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: sudgy on June 27, 2014, 08:32:01 pm
I +1ed you, can I be a monk now?

Sorry, I'm only giving you a +1 back.  If you really want to become a monk, find that monastery and do what the head monk says.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: SirPeebles on June 27, 2014, 08:36:25 pm
I +1ed you, can I be a monk now?

Sorry, I'm only giving you a +1 back.  If you really want to become a monk, find that monastery and do what the head monk says.

There's a shining ball hidden in the back
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: sudgy on July 19, 2014, 01:15:40 pm
What do you call a person who sells bikes?

...a peddler.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: SirPeebles on July 19, 2014, 01:47:29 pm
What do you call a person who sells bikes?

...a peddler.

I was going to guess spokesperson.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Kirian on July 23, 2014, 11:56:44 am
Bomb.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: silverspawn on July 23, 2014, 05:39:31 pm
There once was a bug catcher who was determined on catching an igly worm. So one day, when he had researched them far enough to know how to fulfill his wish, he went outside and caught one. He put it inside a small glass jar, and in the evening he put the jar on his bedside table and fell asleep happily. When he woke up the next day it was gone. He really wanted to catch an igly worm though, so he went out again and caught another one. He put it in a small glass jar, put that jar into a bigger jar and pasted it up carefully. He fell as asleep happily that day, but when he woke up at the next morning, the igly worm was gone again. He really, really needed to catch one though, so he went out and caught another one. He put it inside a small glass jar and put the jar into a large, iron safe. Then he went to the bathroom. But when he tried to wash his hands, what came out of the spigot?

Water.                                   
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: liopoil on July 23, 2014, 05:45:59 pm
wrong thread, silverspawn.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: silverspawn on July 23, 2014, 06:07:19 pm
no it's the right one
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: jotheonah on July 29, 2014, 01:30:34 am
What's the difference between a cat and a comma?

One has claws at the end of its paws, the other is a pause at the end of its clause.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Axxle on July 29, 2014, 01:45:42 am
What's the difference between a cat and a comma?

One has claws at the end of its paws, the other is a pause at the end of its clause.
hohoho
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Kuildeous on September 22, 2014, 03:45:29 pm
Why isn't vein surgery covered by insurance plans?

It's considered cosmetic surgery.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: liopoil on September 22, 2014, 03:50:45 pm
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
The chicken!
The chicken who?
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: jotheonah on September 22, 2014, 05:18:10 pm
How do you turn soup into gold?

You add 24 carrots!
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: eHalcyon on September 23, 2014, 01:41:32 am
If you are ever feeling cold, just stand in a corner.  But beware -- this is lethal pretty much everywhere except in the US.

Corners are 90 degrees.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Kuildeous on September 23, 2014, 02:06:42 am
I saw the Dog Star tonight. Seriously!
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Asper on November 06, 2014, 11:50:26 am
(Note: This is a long joke, but you really do have to read the whole thing to appreciate it.  It won't take too long.)

There's a guy driving his car out in the boonies (I hope this is a fairly well-known expression) somewhere, and he gets a flat tire.  He can't get the car started again, so he just starts walking down the road trying to find something.  He comes up to a monastery and goes in.  He asks the monks there, "Hey, can I borrow a cell phone or something so I can call someone to come fix my car?"  They reply, "Sorry, we're monks; we don't have cell phones.  But, our wagon is going into town the next day and you can get help there.  We'll let you stay the night here."  He agrees.

In the middle of the night he gets woken up by a loud, amazing, awe-inspiring sound, and he has no idea what it is.  He tries to fall back asleep, but he keeps hearing it.  He gets up because he needs to figure out what it is.  He goes downstairs, goes through winding passageways, and he comes up to the biggest door he's ever seen, and the head monk is standing in front of it.  He can tell the the sound is coming from right behind the door.  He asks the head monk, "What's that sound?"

The head monk replies, "Sorry, I can't tell you; you're not a monk."

"Why not?  Can't you just tell me what it is?"

"Sorry, I can't tell you; you're not a monk."

"Come on, I'm not going to be able to fall asleep if I don't know what that sound is."

"Sorry, I can't tell you; you're not a monk."

The man isn't happy, but he goes back to bed.  He has trouble sleeping that night, and while getting ready to go he keeps asking the monks what the sound is, but they all reply with the same answer: "Sorry, I can't tell you; you're not a monk."

He goes back to town, gets his car fixed, and goes on with life.  But he keeps hearing that sound in his mind, and after a few months he can't stand it any more.  He finds the monastery again and goes back to the head monk.

"Hey, you remember me?  I'm that guy that was here a few months ago.  I just need to figure out what that sound is."

"Sorry, I can't tell you; you're not a monk."

"Well then, how do I become a monk?"

"Are you sure you want to become a monk?  The journey is long and hard."

"Yes.  I need to figure out what that sound is."

"Alright.  First, you need to count all of the stars in the night sky."

He spends a whole year, counting and recounting, consulting astronomers, etc.  He thinks he has the answer, and goes up to the head monk and says it.  "Very good," he replied.  "Now, you must count all of the grains of sand on the seashore."

He spends years and years, crawling on beaches all over the world, counting each individual sand grain, because he needs to figure out what this sound is.  He finally has his answer, and goes to the head monk and says it.  "Very good," he replied.  "Now, you must climb the tallest mountain and see how small you are compared to the world."

He trains himself, gets all of the necessary equipment, and makes it up.  By this point he has gotten quite a bit older and wiser.  He goes up to the head monk and the head monk says, "Finally, you are ready to become a monk."  They go through all of those twisting passageways, and up to the huge door.  The head monk opens the door, and the man finally figures out what the sound is...

...but I can't tell you; you're not a monk.

This reminds me of an (allegedly real) story i once read about a monk asking his disciples silly/clever questions that they were supposed to think long and hard about. One of them - if i don't remember it wrong - was: "What sound does it make if you clap with one hand?" I was confused what should have been so hard about that, as the answer was obviously "clap", with clapping named after the sound it makes. Probably the monk would have kicked me. Anyhow, i thought your joke was about that when i first looked over it.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Asper on November 06, 2014, 11:52:04 am
If you are ever feeling cold, just stand in a corner.  But beware -- this is lethal pretty much everywhere except in the US.

Corners are 90 degrees.

I don't get that. 90 degrees Celsius are acceptable and measuring in Celsius is the usual in Europe, too. Am i missing something here?

Edit: Used bold instead of spoiler by accident...
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: LastFootnote on November 06, 2014, 11:56:31 am
If you are ever feeling cold, just stand in a corner.  But beware -- this is lethal pretty much everywhere except in the US.

Corners are 90 degrees.

I don't get that. 90 degrees Celsius are acceptable and measuring in Celsius is the usual in Europe, too. Am i missing something here?

Edit: Used bold instead of spoiler by accident...

194°F is acceptable? For what purposes?
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: pacovf on November 06, 2014, 12:01:15 pm
If you are ever feeling cold, just stand in a corner.  But beware -- this is lethal pretty much everywhere except in the US.

Corners are 90 degrees.

I don't get that. 90 degrees Celsius are acceptable and measuring in Celsius is the usual in Europe, too. Am i missing something here?

Edit: Used bold instead of spoiler by accident...

194°F is acceptable? For what purposes?

It is not acceptable. Not even hot enough to boil water!
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Awaclus on November 06, 2014, 12:08:10 pm
If you are ever feeling cold, just stand in a corner.  But beware -- this is lethal pretty much everywhere except in the US.

Corners are 90 degrees.

I don't get that. 90 degrees Celsius are acceptable and measuring in Celsius is the usual in Europe, too. Am i missing something here?

Edit: Used bold instead of spoiler by accident...

194°F is acceptable? For what purposes?

It's pretty much the best sauna temperature.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: sudgy on November 06, 2014, 12:18:12 pm
There is this monster called the Medicrin (I've always heard this joke told, so I'm making up the spelling).  It is a vicious monster that lives near a town and comes in the night and eats the townspeople.  One day, the townspeople go up to their knight and ask him what to do about the Medicrin.  He says, "Dig a hole.  The Medicrin loves holes.  He'll jump in it and we can kill him in the morning."  They dig the hole.

That night, the Medicrin comes to the town.  He looks in the hole.  He loves holes, but he likes eating the townspeople more and takes one of them and eats them.

The next day, the townspeople go back to the knight and ask him what they should do next.  He replies, "Get a loon.  The Medicrin loves loons.  If you put the loon in the hole, the Medicrin will go in the hole to get the loon."  They find and catch a loon and put him in the hole.

That night, the Medicrin comes to the town.  He looks in the hole.  He loves holes, and he loves loons, but he likes eating the townspeople more and takes one of them and eats them.

The next day, the townspeople are getting desperate.  They go back to the knight.  He tell them, "Feed the loon a lot of sugar.  The Medicrin loves sugar.  He'll surely go into the hole if you do this."  They stuff the loon with all of the sugar they can find.

That night, the Medicrin comes to the town.  He looks in the hole.  He loves holes.  He loves loons.  And, the loon is going crazy on a sugar rush.  The Medicrin can't help himself, and he goes into the hole and eats the loon.  He is now too stuffed to do anything, and morning comes.  The townspeople rejoice and finally slay the Medicrin.

The moral of the story?  A loon full of sugar helps the Medicrin go down.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: pacovf on November 06, 2014, 12:21:13 pm
That was terrible and you should feel sorry.

Have a +1
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: sudgy on November 06, 2014, 12:26:07 pm
Once there were three kingdoms.  In the center of them was a big lake with an island in the middle.  This island was amazing; plant corn there, and you will get tons of corn.  Plant ships there, you'll get tons of ships.  You can literally plant anything and you'll get it.

These three kingdoms were constantly warring over this island.  They decided to have one final battle to decide once and for all who owned it.  Each kingdom sent in their warriors to the center to fight.

The first kingdom was a very rich kingdom.  They were able to send 25 knights, along with 25 squires.

The second kingdom was middle class.  They had 10 knights, along with 10 squires.

The third kingdom was very poor.  There was only one old night, along with a single squire.

When they all made it to the center, the night before the battle, the knights of the rich kingdom realized they outnumbed the rest and threw a huge party.

The knights of the second kingdom loved seafood and knew that there was great fish here.  They ate fish for dinner.

As for the poor kingdom, the squire asked the knight what they should do.  The knight replied, "I am tired.  Make me a bowl of porridge to eat when I wake up."  The squire tied a noose onto a pot of porridge, and threw it over a tree to control how close it was to the fire.

In the morning, all of the rich knights had hangovers from the party and couldn't fight.  All of the knights in the second kingdom got food poisoning from the fish, and the old knight died in his sleep.  So, it was just all of the squires fighting.  They had an epic battle, and it was a complete draw.

So, it's true as they say: the squire of the two sides is equal to the squire of the high pot noose.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: jotheonah on November 06, 2014, 01:16:04 pm
Ok, well if we're doing these now. Here's one I made up when I was a kid. (apologies if I posted this like years ago in this thread; I'm not going back to check)

So Luke and Yoda are training on Dagobah. They're running along the side of a cliff, when suddenly the ledge drops off.

"Oh no," Luke says. "What will we do?"

"Hmmm, worry not," says Yoda, and he pulls out a giant fork, six feet tall. He lays it down across the gap and they make it to the other side of the ledge.

A little bit later, they come across a big wire fence standing right between them and Yoda's hovel.

"Oh no," Luke says. "What will we do?"

"Hmmm, worry not," says Yoda, and he pulls out the fork again. He uses it to pull apart the wires and make a hole in the fence.

They finally get back to Yoda's hovel, and there's a note there from Yoda's milkman explaining the new milk delivery schedule.

"Put this on the bulletin board, I should." Yoda says. But when he looks, he finds he's all out of thumb tacks!

"Hey master, I'll do it!" Luke says. He grabs the giant fork and is about to thrust it into the bulletin board, when Yoda stops him.

He says, "A Jedi uses the fork for no ledge and the fence. Never for a tack!"
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Asper on November 06, 2014, 03:35:47 pm
If you are ever feeling cold, just stand in a corner.  But beware -- this is lethal pretty much everywhere except in the US.

Corners are 90 degrees.

I don't get that. 90 degrees Celsius are acceptable and measuring in Celsius is the usual in Europe, too. Am i missing something here?

Edit: Used bold instead of spoiler by accident...

194°F is acceptable? For what purposes?

Acceptable for any purpose that requires not being exposed to a lethal temperature. 90 degrees Celsius are not lethal. 90 degrees fahrenheit are not lethal, either.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: pacovf on November 06, 2014, 03:42:11 pm
If you are ever feeling cold, just stand in a corner.  But beware -- this is lethal pretty much everywhere except in the US.

Corners are 90 degrees.

I don't get that. 90 degrees Celsius are acceptable and measuring in Celsius is the usual in Europe, too. Am i missing something here?

Edit: Used bold instead of spoiler by accident...

194°F is acceptable? For what purposes?

Acceptable for any purpose that requires not being exposed to a lethal temperature. 90 degrees Celsius are not lethal. 90 degrees fahrenheit are not lethal, either.

Spoilers are fun. Spoilers are fun. Spoilers are fun. Spoilers are fun. Spoilers are fun. Spoilers are fun. Spoilers are fun. Spoilers are fun. Spoilers are fun. Spoilers are fun. Spoilers are fun. Spoilers are fun. Spoilers are fun. Spoilers are fun. Spoilers are fun. Spoilers are fun. Spoilers are fun. Spoilers are fun.

Spoilers are fun. Spoilers are fun. Spoilers are fun. Spoilers are fun. Spoilers are fun. Spoilers are fun. Spoilers are fun.
Spoilers are fun. Spoilers are fun. Spoilers are fun. Spoilers are fun.


90ºC is very much lethal, if you spend enough time in such conditions. You dehydrate quickly, and you can quickly lose consciousness.

Spoilers are fun. Spoilers are fun. Spoilers are fun. Spoilers are fun. Spoilers are fun. Spoilers are fun. Spoilers are fun. Spoilers are fun. Spoilers are fun. Spoilers are fun. Spoilers are fun. Spoilers are fun. Spoilers are fun. Spoilers are fun. Spoilers are fun. Spoilers are fun. Spoilers are fun. Spoilers are fun. Spoilers are fun. Spoilers are fun. Spoilers are fun. Spoilers are fun. Spoilers are fun. Spoilers are fun. Spoilers are fun. Spoilers are fun. Spoilers are fun. Spoilers are fun.
Spoilers are fun. Spoilers are fun. Spoilers are fun. Spoilers are fun. Spoilers are fun. Spoilers are fun. Spoilers are fun.

Spoilers are fun. Spoilers are fun. Spoilers are fun. Spoilers are fun. Spoilers are fun. Spoilers are fun. Spoilers are fun. Spoilers are fun. Spoilers are fun. Spoilers are fun. Spoilers are fun. Spoilers are fun. Spoilers are fun.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: eHalcyon on November 06, 2014, 05:12:58 pm
If you are ever feeling cold, just stand in a corner.  But beware -- this is lethal pretty much everywhere except in the US.

Corners are 90 degrees.

I don't get that. 90 degrees Celsius are acceptable and measuring in Celsius is the usual in Europe, too. Am i missing something here?

Edit: Used bold instead of spoiler by accident...

194°F is acceptable? For what purposes?

Acceptable for any purpose that requires not being exposed to a lethal temperature. 90 degrees Celsius are not lethal. 90 degrees fahrenheit are not lethal, either.

Are you sure?  90 C sounds lethal to me.  This source (http://www.livescience.com/34128-limits-human-survival.html) says that "most humans will suffer hyperthermia after 10 minutes in extremely humid, 140-degree-Fahrenheit (60-degrees-Celsius) heat."
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: markusin on November 06, 2014, 05:33:45 pm
If you are ever feeling cold, just stand in a corner.  But beware -- this is lethal pretty much everywhere except in the US.

Corners are 90 degrees.

I don't get that. 90 degrees Celsius are acceptable and measuring in Celsius is the usual in Europe, too. Am i missing something here?

Edit: Used bold instead of spoiler by accident...

194°F is acceptable? For what purposes?

Acceptable for any purpose that requires not being exposed to a lethal temperature. 90 degrees Celsius are not lethal. 90 degrees fahrenheit are not lethal, either.

Are you sure?  90 C sounds lethal to me.  This source (http://www.livescience.com/34128-limits-human-survival.html) says that "most humans will suffer hyperthermia after 10 minutes in extremely humid, 140-degree-Fahrenheit (60-degrees-Celsius) heat."

also, water boils at about 100°C (at number varies. So, 90°C is what you feel when you put your hand in steaming water. I expect it would be super painful, and lethal after a couple of minutes.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Witherweaver on November 06, 2014, 05:46:42 pm
If you are ever feeling cold, just stand in a corner.  But beware -- this is lethal pretty much everywhere except in the US.

Corners are 90 degrees.

I don't get that. 90 degrees Celsius are acceptable and measuring in Celsius is the usual in Europe, too. Am i missing something here?

Edit: Used bold instead of spoiler by accident...

194°F is acceptable? For what purposes?

Acceptable for any purpose that requires not being exposed to a lethal temperature. 90 degrees Celsius are not lethal. 90 degrees fahrenheit are not lethal, either.

Are you sure?  90 C sounds lethal to me.  This source (http://www.livescience.com/34128-limits-human-survival.html) says that "most humans will suffer hyperthermia after 10 minutes in extremely humid, 140-degree-Fahrenheit (60-degrees-Celsius) heat."

also, water boils at about 100°C (at number varies. So, 90°C is what you feel when you put your hand in steaming water. I expect it would be super painful, and lethal after a couple of minutes.

Well, water transfers heat differently than air does, so touching 90C water and 90C air isn't the same. The best comparison would be a sauna.  From Wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sauna):

Quote
Air temperatures averaged around 70–80 degrees Celsius (160–180 degrees Fahrenheit) but sometimes exceeded 90 °C (194 °F) in a traditional Finnish sauna.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: eHalcyon on November 06, 2014, 05:49:53 pm
Well, fair enough then.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: sudgy on November 06, 2014, 05:52:06 pm
A friend of mine who went to a Finnish sauna (yes I just so happen to have a friend who is completely valid in this discussion) said it's bearable if you dress really lightly and drink lots of water.  You might not be prepared if you were just sitting there in the cold (with probably a lot of clothes on).
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: markusin on November 06, 2014, 05:53:35 pm
If you are ever feeling cold, just stand in a corner.  But beware -- this is lethal pretty much everywhere except in the US.

Corners are 90 degrees.

I don't get that. 90 degrees Celsius are acceptable and measuring in Celsius is the usual in Europe, too. Am i missing something here?

Edit: Used bold instead of spoiler by accident...

194°F is acceptable? For what purposes?

Acceptable for any purpose that requires not being exposed to a lethal temperature. 90 degrees Celsius are not lethal. 90 degrees fahrenheit are not lethal, either.

Are you sure?  90 C sounds lethal to me.  This source (http://www.livescience.com/34128-limits-human-survival.html) says that "most humans will suffer hyperthermia after 10 minutes in extremely humid, 140-degree-Fahrenheit (60-degrees-Celsius) heat."

also, water boils at about 100°C (at number varies. So, 90°C is what you feel when you put your hand in steaming water. I expect it would be super painful, and lethal after a couple of minutes.

Well, water transfers heat differently than air does, so touching 90C water and 90C air isn't the same. The best comparison would be a sauna.  From Wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sauna):

Quote
Air temperatures averaged around 70–80 degrees Celsius (160–180 degrees Fahrenheit) but sometimes exceeded 90 °C (194 °F) in a traditional Finnish sauna.

Can't argue with Wikipedia.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: pacovf on November 06, 2014, 07:12:12 pm
If you are ever feeling cold, just stand in a corner.  But beware -- this is lethal pretty much everywhere except in the US.

Corners are 90 degrees.

I don't get that. 90 degrees Celsius are acceptable and measuring in Celsius is the usual in Europe, too. Am i missing something here?

Edit: Used bold instead of spoiler by accident...

194°F is acceptable? For what purposes?

Acceptable for any purpose that requires not being exposed to a lethal temperature. 90 degrees Celsius are not lethal. 90 degrees fahrenheit are not lethal, either.

Are you sure?  90 C sounds lethal to me.  This source (http://www.livescience.com/34128-limits-human-survival.html) says that "most humans will suffer hyperthermia after 10 minutes in extremely humid, 140-degree-Fahrenheit (60-degrees-Celsius) heat."

Just as I was saying! Why doesn't anyone ever read my posts?

90ºC is very much lethal, if you spend enough time in such conditions. You dehydrate quickly, and you can quickly lose consciousness.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Eevee on November 07, 2014, 07:01:33 am
Any temperature is lethal, if you spend enough time in those conditions. Valar morghulis.

90c is about as bad as -5c. Yes, both are technically dangerous but also just really not.

edit: I'm a survivor of 90c. Also a survivor of 110c, maybe more.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: markusin on November 07, 2014, 07:54:56 am
Any temperature is lethal, if you spend enough time in those conditions. Valar morghulis.

90c is about as bad as -5c. Yes, both are technically dangerous but also just really not.

edit: I'm a survivor of 90c. Also a survivor of 110c, maybe more.
I'm tempted to make a Pokemon joke here.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Kuildeous on November 07, 2014, 08:44:05 am
edit: I'm a survivor of 90c. Also a survivor of 110c, maybe more.

90c? That shit'll kill you in hexadecimal!
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Witherweaver on November 07, 2014, 09:49:19 am
Just as I was saying! Why doesn't anyone ever read my posts?

90ºC is very much lethal, if you spend enough time in such conditions. You dehydrate quickly, and you can quickly lose consciousness.

I read your posts, but all I saw was a black bar...
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: pacovf on November 07, 2014, 07:33:57 pm
Any temperature is lethal, if you spend enough time in those conditions. Valar morghulis.

90c is about as bad as -5c. Yes, both are technically dangerous but also just really not.

edit: I'm a survivor of 90c. Also a survivor of 110c, maybe more.

Conversely, any temperature is survivable, if you spend little enough time in those conditions. Not today.

-5ºC seems much better than 90ºC, as evidenced by the fact that people live in Greenland, but nobody lives right on top of a geothermal source. Even the Sahara desert is not that hot (50ºC during the day).
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: silverspawn on November 07, 2014, 07:45:23 pm
A squirrel once said to a unicorn, "hey, there are no unicorns, you shouldn't exist," and the unicorn replied "and you shouldn't be able to talk," and then the squirrel disappeared in a puff of smoke. What's missing? the joke. thehehe. dim dim pheeeewww...
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Kuildeous on November 08, 2014, 02:15:32 am
A squirrel once said to a unicorn, "hey, there are no unicorns, you shouldn't exist," and the unicorn replied "and you shouldn't be able to talk," and then the squirrel disappeared in a puff of smoke. What's missing? the joke. thehehe. dim dim pheeeewww...

I found that hilarious. Would guffaw again.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: qmech on November 08, 2014, 04:41:43 am
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8eXj97stbG8&index=175&list=UUBa659QWEk1AI4Tg--mrJ2A
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Asper on November 08, 2014, 08:03:43 am
Any temperature is lethal, if you spend enough time in those conditions. Valar morghulis.

90c is about as bad as -5c. Yes, both are technically dangerous but also just really not.

edit: I'm a survivor of 90c. Also a survivor of 110c, maybe more.

Conversely, any temperature is survivable, if you spend little enough time in those conditions. Not today.

-5ºC seems much better than 90ºC, as evidenced by the fact that people live in Greenland, but nobody lives right on top of a geothermal source. Even the Sahara desert is not that hot (50ºC during the day).

The original joke was not about living in the corner, was it?
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: pacovf on November 08, 2014, 08:17:07 am
Any temperature is lethal, if you spend enough time in those conditions. Valar morghulis.

90c is about as bad as -5c. Yes, both are technically dangerous but also just really not.

edit: I'm a survivor of 90c. Also a survivor of 110c, maybe more.

Conversely, any temperature is survivable, if you spend little enough time in those conditions. Not today.

-5ºC seems much better than 90ºC, as evidenced by the fact that people live in Greenland, but nobody lives right on top of a geothermal source. Even the Sahara desert is not that hot (50ºC during the day).

The original joke was not about living in the corner, was it?

It's called extrapolation!
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Asper on November 08, 2014, 09:42:59 am
Any temperature is lethal, if you spend enough time in those conditions. Valar morghulis.

90c is about as bad as -5c. Yes, both are technically dangerous but also just really not.

edit: I'm a survivor of 90c. Also a survivor of 110c, maybe more.

Conversely, any temperature is survivable, if you spend little enough time in those conditions. Not today.

-5ºC seems much better than 90ºC, as evidenced by the fact that people live in Greenland, but nobody lives right on top of a geothermal source. Even the Sahara desert is not that hot (50ºC during the day).

The original joke was not about living in the corner, was it?

It's called extrapolation!

That's one word for it. Distraction is another.

Where you can or can't spend your life is irellevant, as we are talking about an entirely different scenario. Minute-long exposure to 90°C (as you would have if you walked in a corner to get warmed up) are obviously non-lethal, as some people have allready pointed out. What you are doing is trying to make it seem as if we were talking about a scenario where your point was actually valid - sorry, but we are not.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Awaclus on November 08, 2014, 09:47:18 am
I think we need a "A joke thread [Serious]" thread for this discussion.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Gveoniz on November 08, 2014, 09:52:02 am
90c is about 5156.620156177°, that is not survivable.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: pacovf on November 08, 2014, 10:36:08 am
Any temperature is lethal, if you spend enough time in those conditions. Valar morghulis.

90c is about as bad as -5c. Yes, both are technically dangerous but also just really not.

edit: I'm a survivor of 90c. Also a survivor of 110c, maybe more.

Conversely, any temperature is survivable, if you spend little enough time in those conditions. Not today.

-5ºC seems much better than 90ºC, as evidenced by the fact that people live in Greenland, but nobody lives right on top of a geothermal source. Even the Sahara desert is not that hot (50ºC during the day).

The original joke was not about living in the corner, was it?

It's called extrapolation!

That's one word for it. Distraction is another.

Where you can or can't spend your life is irellevant, as we are talking about an entirely different scenario. Minute-long exposure to 90°C (as you would have if you walked in a corner to get warmed up) are obviously non-lethal, as some people have allready pointed out. What you are doing is trying to make it seem as if we were talking about a scenario where your point was actually valid - sorry, but we are not.

You are very much right! I think we shouldn't fight with each other but with eHalcyon, since clearly the contention is caused by a lack of information in his original post. Do we assume that "standing in a corner" implies an intermediary state, or a final state? You assume the first, I assume the later, hence the argument.

eHalcyon, you should feel bad for posting incomplete jokes. Whether they are funny or not should not be an excuse to forget your scientific rigour.  >:(
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: eHalcyon on November 08, 2014, 11:32:36 am
Any temperature is lethal, if you spend enough time in those conditions. Valar morghulis.

90c is about as bad as -5c. Yes, both are technically dangerous but also just really not.

edit: I'm a survivor of 90c. Also a survivor of 110c, maybe more.

Conversely, any temperature is survivable, if you spend little enough time in those conditions. Not today.

-5ºC seems much better than 90ºC, as evidenced by the fact that people live in Greenland, but nobody lives right on top of a geothermal source. Even the Sahara desert is not that hot (50ºC during the day).

The original joke was not about living in the corner, was it?

It's called extrapolation!

That's one word for it. Distraction is another.

Where you can or can't spend your life is irellevant, as we are talking about an entirely different scenario. Minute-long exposure to 90°C (as you would have if you walked in a corner to get warmed up) are obviously non-lethal, as some people have allready pointed out. What you are doing is trying to make it seem as if we were talking about a scenario where your point was actually valid - sorry, but we are not.

You are very much right! I think we shouldn't fight with each other but with eHalcyon, since clearly the contention is caused by a lack of information in his original post. Do we assume that "standing in a corner" implies an intermediary state, or a final state? You assume the first, I assume the later, hence the argument.

eHalcyon, you should feel bad for posting incomplete jokes. Whether they are funny or not should not be an excuse to forget your scientific rigour.  >:(

But don't you see? The 90C corner has proven itself lethal by dint of the pointless arguments it has caused! Everything is meaningless. The joke is life itself.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: WalrusMcFishSr on November 08, 2014, 11:52:02 am
I would also like to add that the corner is extremely overeducated...90 degrees is quite excessive.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Witherweaver on November 08, 2014, 12:16:01 pm
90 Kelvin wouldn't be survivable!
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: jonts26 on November 09, 2014, 12:29:02 pm
All this arguing is silly. You can easily live the rest if your life at any temperature.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: enfynet on November 09, 2014, 12:37:48 pm
You mean, I can spend the rest of my life next to an underwater volcanic vent? Awesome!
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: LastFootnote on November 09, 2014, 01:28:55 pm
You mean, I can spend the rest of my life next to an underwater volcanic vent? Awesome!

Enjoy!
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Kirian on November 09, 2014, 01:59:08 pm
The moral of the story?  A loon full of sugar helps the Medicrin go down.

The last time I heard this one, it was a campfire sketch, and I was a Boy Scout.  And like fifteen.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Asper on November 10, 2014, 06:48:57 am
90 Kelvin wouldn't be survivable!

Ooops, you are right. I was wrong saying it was.

Probably we should really end this here. I'm sorry for being so... hot-headed. Sorry, pacovf.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: pacovf on November 10, 2014, 06:53:36 am
90 Kelvin wouldn't be survivable!

Ooops, you are right. I was wrong saying it was.

Probably we should really end this here. I'm sorry for being so... hot-headed. Sorry, pacovf.

Don't worry, arguing is fun!
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Watno on November 10, 2014, 07:01:25 am
Don't worry, arguing is fun!
I disagree.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Kuildeous on November 10, 2014, 08:27:52 am
I would also like to add that the corner is extremely overeducated...90 degrees is quite excessive.

It can't be that educated. I knew a corner with 91 degrees, and it was pretty damned obtuse.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: jotheonah on November 10, 2014, 10:01:17 am
I would also like to add that the corner is extremely overeducated...90 degrees is quite excessive.

It can't be that educated. I knew a corner with 91 degrees, and it was pretty damned obtuse.

You win, sir.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: SwitchedFromStarcraft on November 13, 2014, 04:16:04 pm
Three engineers are asked to determine the height of a building.  The civil engineer grabs a transit, sets it up a known distance from the base of the building, notes the angle to the top of the building, and derives the height using geometry.  (aside: not the squire of the two sides....)

The mechanical engineer goes to the top of the building, drops a weight over the side, measures the precise amount of time it takes the weight to hit the ground, and computes the height using the acceleration of gravity.

The chemical engineer goes to the janitor and trades a case of beer for the blueprints to the building.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: sudgy on November 13, 2014, 04:19:59 pm
(aside: not the squire of the two sides....)

You don't even use the Pythagorean theorem here...  :'(
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: SwitchedFromStarcraft on November 13, 2014, 04:26:17 pm
That's why I put in the aside. (you did see the word "not", right?)
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: pedroluchini on November 14, 2014, 03:52:21 am
(Oooh, engineer jokes!)

To determine which department was the best at problem-solving, a university organized a contest: three volunteer professors (physics, computer science, and mathematics) were locked in separate classrooms for a week. They were supplied with canned food, but not a can opener, and had to figure out a way to survive until the end of the week.

When the physicist's room was unlocked, he stepped out alive and well. The whiteboard in his classroom had a few scribbled equations, and each can had been punctured in a precise manner to extract the food inside.

When the programmer's room was unlocked, he stepped out looking tired, but satisfied. He had dismantled a chair from the classroom and used it as a club to smash open the cans of food. He made a huge mess, but survived.

When the mathematician's room was unlocked, he was found dead inside. None of the canned food had been touched. He had written equations all over the whiteboard, and then on some of the walls too. In a corner, his last message read: "I have proof that a solution exists. Now, I just need to find it."
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Witherweaver on November 14, 2014, 09:51:52 am
(http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/71Te0UQQdoL._SL1500_.jpg)
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: qmech on November 14, 2014, 09:55:44 am
It's funny because they can't spell maths.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Witherweaver on November 24, 2014, 09:48:30 am
I believe this is relevant:

Jokes Written by Kids (http://imgur.com/gallery/hyQna)
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: qmech on November 24, 2014, 11:40:09 am
I believe this is relevant:

Jokes Written by Kids (http://imgur.com/gallery/hyQna)

Particularly this.

(http://i.imgur.com/LfiZX3q.jpg)
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Teproc on November 24, 2014, 12:09:48 pm
All the engineer jokes I know are specifically related to French schools so...

Oh, I do have something else though. A mathematician, a physicist, a chemist and an a computer scientist are asked to demonstrate that all odd numbers are prime.

The mathematician goes : "3 works, 5 works, 7 works, 9 doesn't work, so no."

The physicist goes : "3 works, 5 works, 7 works, 9 doesn't work, 11 works, 13 works, so on first approximation it works."

The chemist goes : "3 works, 5 works, 7 works, 9 works, 11 works, so yeah it works."

The computer scientist goes : "3 works, 5 works, 7 works, 9 doesn't work, 9 doesn't work, 9 doesn't work, 9 doesn't work..."
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Watno on November 24, 2014, 12:15:41 pm
I believe this is relevant:

Jokes Written by Kids (http://imgur.com/gallery/hyQna)

Particularly this.

(http://i.imgur.com/LfiZX3q.jpg)
This is funny because it is consensus on f.ds is that explaining jokes makes them funnier.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: pacovf on November 24, 2014, 12:49:51 pm
All the engineer jokes I know are specifically related to French schools so...

Oh, I do have something else though. A mathematician, a physicist, a chemist and an a computer scientist are asked to demonstrate that all odd numbers are prime.

The mathematician goes : "3 works, 5 works, 7 works, 9 doesn't work, so no."

The physicist goes : "3 works, 5 works, 7 works, 9 doesn't work, 11 works, 13 works, so on first approximation it works."

The chemist goes : "3 works, 5 works, 7 works, 9 works, 11 works, so yeah it works."

The computer scientist goes : "3 works, 5 works, 7 works, 9 doesn't work, 9 doesn't work, 9 doesn't work, 9 doesn't work..."

I know the one you are thinking about. There's a similar one in Spain:

Before a job interview, the interviewees are asked to count to 10.

-1,3,5,7,9,10,8,6,4,2, answers the postman.
-0,1,10, answers the IT engineer.
-10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1, answers the rocket scientist.
-1,2,1,2,1,2..., answers the officer in training.
-let me make a quick call, answers the management student.
-1,2,3,4,5,6,7, jack, queen, king, answers the senior undergrad.

...you might notice Spanish-Italian decks are different.

There's a whole story and delivery around it, but meh, too lazy to translate.

EDIT: for clarity.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Teproc on November 24, 2014, 01:21:36 pm
I know that variant too, I wasn't sure how well the last item would translate for Americans though (and apparently we use Italian decks in France since it goes up to 10 here).
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Kirian on November 24, 2014, 01:36:24 pm
All the engineer jokes I know are specifically related to French schools so...

Oh, I do have something else though. A mathematician, a physicist, a chemist and an a computer scientist are asked to demonstrate that all odd numbers are prime.

The mathematician goes : "3 works, 5 works, 7 works, 9 doesn't work, so no."

The physicist goes : "3 works, 5 works, 7 works, 9 doesn't work, 11 works, 13 works, so on first approximation it works."

The chemist goes : "3 works, 5 works, 7 works, 9 works, 11 works, so yeah it works."

The computer scientist goes : "3 works, 5 works, 7 works, 9 doesn't work, 9 doesn't work, 9 doesn't work, 9 doesn't work..."

The version I've heard has a psychologist last, saying "3 works, 5 works, 7 works, and an N of 3 is plenty!"
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: pacovf on November 24, 2014, 01:39:28 pm
(and apparently we use Italian decks in France since it goes up to 10 here)

Really? This is what a Spanish/Italian deck looks like:

(http://www.casino.es/imagenes/juegos/mus/baraja-espanola.png)

This is what a belote deck looks like:

(http://www.beloteenligne.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/regles-belote-32-cartes.jpg)

This is what a deck to play Tarot looks like:

(http://tarotmontreal.files.wordpress.com/2010/10/jeu-de-tarot-complet.png)

And I probably don't need to link your usual run-of-the-mill Bicycle deck garden variety.


I'm pretty sure the Spanish/Italian one is the least common of the four in France. I don't remember the exact wording of the joke, maybe it keeps going after 10?


Also woo huge images to bother everyone.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Teproc on November 24, 2014, 01:46:18 pm
I misunderstood what you were saying, I thought you were saying that Spanish decks were different form Italian decks. Having not heard of that I assumed the 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-jack etc. deck was Spanish, and the ones I'm familiar with (belote and tarot) were italian, which would have made sense to me since Tarot originated from Italy (as a game I mean).

It does make sense that Spain wouldn't go with the whole heart/spades/diamonds/clubs denomination, since I believe that was a normalization under the Napoleonic Empire, and you can't exactly be surprised that Spanish people would reject that.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: sudgy on November 24, 2014, 02:27:54 pm
A physicist, biologist, and mathematician are standing outside a bar.  They see two people go in, but then later three people come out.

The physicist says, "Our first measurement was inaccurate."

The biologist says, "They must have reproduced."

The mathematician says, "If one more person goes in, the bar will be empty."

EDIT: Fixed the punchline, since I forgot what it actually was :P  Upvote silverspawn's post.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: silverspawn on November 24, 2014, 02:38:32 pm
A physicist, biologist, and mathematician are standing outside a bar.  They see two people go in, but then later three people come out.

The physicist says, "Our first measurement was inaccurate."

The biologist says, "They must have reproduced."

The mathematician says, "There are now -1 people in the bar."

it's much funnier with "if one more guy goes in now, the bar is empty"
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: sudgy on November 24, 2014, 03:31:48 pm
A physicist, biologist, and mathematician are standing outside a bar.  They see two people go in, but then later three people come out.

The physicist says, "Our first measurement was inaccurate."

The biologist says, "They must have reproduced."

The mathematician says, "There are now -1 people in the bar."

it's much funnier with "if one more guy goes in now, the bar is empty"

Ooh, I forgot, that's what it was!  I forgot!  :(
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Elanchana on December 02, 2014, 02:29:42 am
Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get +3 actions and +1 card per victory card in its hand, duh
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Witherweaver on December 02, 2014, 10:03:19 am
Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get +3 actions and +1 card per victory card in its hand, duh

Sigh... +1.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Eevee on December 02, 2014, 02:35:33 pm
Why did the chicken cross the road?

For cheap respect, of course.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Witherweaver on December 02, 2014, 02:37:41 pm
Why did the chicken cross the road again?

To get +1 card per victory card in its hand.

I feel dirty, but it had to be done.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Elanchana on December 02, 2014, 02:41:07 pm
Why did the chicken cross the road?

For cheap respect, of course.
I don't even think I deserved all that respect. You guys are too kind.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: enfynet on December 03, 2014, 01:43:58 am
Why did the chicken cross the road?

For cheap respect, of course.
I don't even think I deserved all that respect. You guys are too kind.
Gender roles on the Internet. It's quite impressive to watch, actually.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Asper on December 03, 2014, 04:13:39 am
Why did the chicken cross the road?

For cheap respect, of course.
I don't even think I deserved all that respect. You guys are too kind.
Gender roles on the Internet. It's quite impressive to watch, actually.

On the other hand somebody joked that women were a curse very recently. Ah well.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Witherweaver on December 03, 2014, 09:06:16 am
Why did the chicken cross the road?

For cheap respect, of course.
I don't even think I deserved all that respect. You guys are too kind.
Gender roles on the Internet. It's quite impressive to watch, actually.

On the other hand somebody joked that women were a curse very recently. Ah well.

Sounds like a jerk.  Must lead a bitter and cold life.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Asper on December 03, 2014, 10:06:46 am
I don't know what it is. Maybe some people upvote a female's post more likely. Maybe being one of few girls on a forum makes you easier to remember and this familiarity makes it easier to connect to your jokes. Maybe the joke was genuinely funny.

Personally, i'm above all that and only laugh at Knock Knock jokes, anyhow. Here goes:

- Knock knock
- Who's there?
- Witch
- Witch who?
- Witch way to the King's Court, please?
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Kuildeous on December 03, 2014, 10:25:58 am
There's a girl here? Oh man, now I'm all self-conscious. I've gone and picked up all my dirty clothes.

It is strange that for a game that has a high percentage of female players the forum members is comprised mostly of males. Not sure why that is.

Anyway, welcome aboard. Keep telling jokes. And hey, a joke infused with a Dominion theme is just super.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Awaclus on December 03, 2014, 11:14:05 am
I don't know what it is. Maybe some people upvote a female's post more likely. Maybe being one of few girls on a forum makes you easier to remember and this familiarity makes it easier to connect to your jokes. Maybe the joke was genuinely funny.

I don't think that's fair. Surprisingly enough, females can come up with funny jokes and people can find them funny for reasons that have nothing to do with anyone's gender. Why even assume that it wasn't genuinely funny in the first place?
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Asper on December 03, 2014, 11:37:40 am
I don't know what it is. Maybe some people upvote a female's post more likely. Maybe being one of few girls on a forum makes you easier to remember and this familiarity makes it easier to connect to your jokes. Maybe the joke was genuinely funny.

I don't think that's fair. Surprisingly enough, females can come up with funny jokes and people can find them funny for reasons that have nothing to do with anyone's gender. Why even assume that it wasn't genuinely funny in the first place?

I read enfynet's post that way. Basically i wanted to list the options of why a female would be percieved as getting a lot of respect for a joke you don't think is that funny. Listing the most obvious one last was an ironic way of saying "Or maybe it's the obvius, duh".

Hmm... Maybe it's the perception, instead. If everybody upvotes a joke i don't find funny, i'll attribute it to differing humor in general. But if it's a female telling it, it has to do with her being a her.

Edit: Also i demand more knock knock jokes!
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Witherweaver on December 03, 2014, 11:39:41 am
Feels relevant:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OvWIHrlVOl0
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Witherweaver on December 03, 2014, 11:41:13 am
Though Elanchana's post deserved the upvotes.. I'm not sure why we're talking about gender at all.  Especially since the joke doesn't even touch upon gender.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Awaclus on December 03, 2014, 11:45:55 am
I read enfynet's post that way. Basically i wanted to list the options of why a female would be percieved as getting a lot of respect for a joke you don't think is that funny. Listing the most obvious one last was an ironic way of saying "Or maybe it's the obvius, duh".

I see. It sounded more like "I could be wrong (actually I'm not, but I'll say it anyway to appear nice)" to me, but that makes more sense.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Asper on December 03, 2014, 11:56:14 am
Though Elanchana's post deserved the upvotes.. I'm not sure why we're talking about gender at all.  Especially since the joke doesn't even touch upon gender.

Meh... It  doesn't even start with "Knock knock".

Knock knock
Who's there?
Doctor
Doctor who?
Doctor Hartner, lawyer of the BBC. I heard you are illegally streaming one of my client's sci-fi shows.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: pacovf on December 03, 2014, 01:25:14 pm
Though Elanchana's post deserved the upvotes.. I'm not sure why we're talking about gender at all.  Especially since the joke doesn't even touch upon gender.

Meh... It  doesn't even start with "Knock knock".

Knock knock
Who's there?
Doctor
Doctor who?
Doctor Hartner, lawyer of the BBC. I heard you are illegally streaming one of my client's sci-fi shows.

I'm glad to see I'm not the only one missing the jokes!
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Kuildeous on December 03, 2014, 01:30:07 pm
I'm glad to see I'm not the only one missing the jokes!

http://forum.dominionstrategy.com/index.php?topic=4584.0
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Elanchana on December 03, 2014, 06:11:39 pm
-Knock knock.

-Who's there.

-Three dead terminals.

-S**t.





(I'm sorry)
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Asper on December 03, 2014, 06:44:15 pm
It has all a good joke needs.

By the way, are there other europeans here who only know of knock knock jokes through american media? I'm sure i never heard them when growing up.

Also:
-Knock knock
-Who's there?
-Ozle, it's me.
-...
-Ozle...?
-... Is it Moat?
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Elanchana on December 03, 2014, 07:22:17 pm
Oh! Oh! Know what this thread needs? New business jokes!

I have a new business.
What's your new business?
I work in the king's court.
How is business?
It's got a lot of action.

I have a new business.
What's your new business?
I'm a pearl diver.
How is business?
I'm slowly rising to the top.

I have a new business.
What's your new business?
I'm working at Goko.
How is business?
Everyone keeps making fun of me.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: enfynet on December 03, 2014, 08:20:16 pm
Oh! Oh! Know what this thread needs? New business jokes!

[...]

I have a new business.
What's your new business?
I'm working at Goko.
How is business?
Everyone keeps Making Fun of me.
Fixed it for you. :)
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Elanchana on December 03, 2014, 08:42:27 pm
Oh! Oh! Know what this thread needs? New business jokes!

[...]

I have a new business.
What's your new business?
I'm working at Goko.
How is business?
Everyone keeps Making Fun of me.
Fixed it for you. :)
I was thinking about capitalizing it but I kind of wanted the... subtlety?
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: silverspawn on December 03, 2014, 08:48:01 pm
Oh! Oh! Know what this thread needs? New business jokes!

[...]

I have a new business.
What's your new business?
I'm working at Goko.
How is business?
Everyone keeps Making Fun of me.
Fixed it for you. :)
I was thinking about capitalizing it but I kind of wanted the... subtlety?
for what it's worth, I prefer the original version
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: ConMan on December 03, 2014, 09:04:03 pm
Oh! Oh! Know what this thread needs? New business jokes!

[...]

I have a new business.
What's your new business?
I'm working at Goko.
How is business?
Everyone keeps Making Fun of me.
Fixed it for you. :)
(http://i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/483/894/463.jpg)
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: enfynet on December 03, 2014, 10:04:25 pm
Oh! Oh! Know what this thread needs? New business jokes!

[...]

I have a new business.
What's your new business?
I'm working at Goko.
How is business?
Everyone keeps Making Fun of me.
Fixed it for you. :)
I was thinking about capitalizing it but I kind of wanted the... subtlety?
for what it's worth, I prefer the original version
I don't disagree, but this is f.ds where explaining jokes is funnier than the actual joke.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Witherweaver on December 03, 2014, 10:08:53 pm
Oh! Oh! Know what this thread needs? New business jokes!

[...]

I have a new business.
What's your new business?
I'm working at Goko.
How is business?
Everyone keeps Making Fun of me.
Fixed it for you. :)
I was thinking about capitalizing it but I kind of wanted the... subtlety?
for what it's worth, I prefer the original version
I don't disagree, but this is f.ds where explaining jokes is funnier than the actual joke.

(http://media.tumblr.com/cdc0a1dd77d1640fce09f0547891182a/tumblr_inline_n9m4gfuN1e1qziitf.gif)
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: silverspawn on December 03, 2014, 11:13:19 pm
(http://fs1.directupload.net/images/141204/ndrk8i5l.png)

"this triangle looks dangerous"
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: eHalcyon on December 04, 2014, 02:10:52 am
Elanchana's Goko joke was a double meaning.  First, it accurately points out that Goko was often made fun of.  Second, it is a play on words because Making Fun is the name of the company that took over Dominion Online after Goko.  Or Goko changed their name to Making Fun.  I am still not entirely clear on that.  In any case, this particular play on words was pointed out when Making Fun was first brought to the attention of the community.

enfynet's "correction" capitalized "Making Fun" in order to make the joke more expicit.  It is unclear whether enfynet did not realize that was part of the joke in the first place.  enfynet subsequently stated that f.ds enjoys joke explanations.  This appears to be a defense of his "correction", though it is still unclear whether that was the original intent or if it is an attempt to cover up an earlier misunderstanding. 

If the former, the execution was lacking.  Witherweaver's use of the Nathan Fillion gif is a statement that enfynet's point is objectionable, but it is unclear how, since he is correct that f.ds often uses joke explanations for humor.  Given that, how can Witherweaver object?  (Well, that is how I interpret it.  Witherweaver may correct me if I am mistaken.)

But I can elucidate.  By posting the explanation in the form of a "correction", the joke is not actually explained.  Yes, the joke is made more obvious, but no explanation is delivered.  An example of a proper explanation follows:

Elanchana's Goko joke was a double meaning.  First, it accurately points out that Goko was often made fun of.  Second, it is a play on words because Making Fun is the name of the company that took over Dominion Online after Goko.  Or Goko changed their name to Making Fun.  I am still not entirely clear on that. 
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Donald X. on December 04, 2014, 08:16:43 am
Second, it is a play on words because Making Fun is the name of the company that took over Dominion Online after Goko.  Or Goko changed their name to Making Fun.  I am still not entirely clear on that.
Making Fun was an unrelated existing company with their own stuff going on. I think Goko still exists as an entity for paperwork or something like that, I guess I'm not entirely clear on that one. But Making Fun isn't Goko. They did hire Jeff though, who worked at Goko.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: soulnet on December 04, 2014, 09:15:42 am
There are two kinds of people:

...those who enjoy dark humor and those who had their legs amputated.

...those who understand this joke and those who understand paradoxes.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Witherweaver on December 04, 2014, 09:21:00 am
Elanchana's Goko joke was a double meaning.  First, it accurately points out that Goko was often made fun of.  Second, it is a play on words because Making Fun is the name of the company that took over Dominion Online after Goko.  Or Goko changed their name to Making Fun.  I am still not entirely clear on that.  In any case, this particular play on words was pointed out when Making Fun was first brought to the attention of the community.

enfynet's "correction" capitalized "Making Fun" in order to make the joke more expicit.  It is unclear whether enfynet did not realize that was part of the joke in the first place.  enfynet subsequently stated that f.ds enjoys joke explanations.  This appears to be a defense of his "correction", though it is still unclear whether that was the original intent or if it is an attempt to cover up an earlier misunderstanding. 

If the former, the execution was lacking.  Witherweaver's use of the Nathan Fillion gif is a statement that enfynet's point is objectionable, but it is unclear how, since he is correct that f.ds often uses joke explanations for humor.  Given that, how can Witherweaver object?  (Well, that is how I interpret it.  Witherweaver may correct me if I am mistaken.)

But I can elucidate.  By posting the explanation in the form of a "correction", the joke is not actually explained.  Yes, the joke is made more obvious, but no explanation is delivered.  An example of a proper explanation follows:

Elanchana's Goko joke was a double meaning.  First, it accurately points out that Goko was often made fun of.  Second, it is a play on words because Making Fun is the name of the company that took over Dominion Online after Goko.  Or Goko changed their name to Making Fun.  I am still not entirely clear on that.

I actually wanted to find a "well, that's a good point" reaction gif, but couldn't find the right one.  I wanted the one from community where the two guys look at each other and then point with a "hey, nice" kind of look.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Witherweaver on December 04, 2014, 09:21:47 am
Second, it is a play on words because Making Fun is the name of the company that took over Dominion Online after Goko.  Or Goko changed their name to Making Fun.  I am still not entirely clear on that.
Making Fun was an unrelated existing company with their own stuff going on. I think Goko still exists as an entity for paperwork or something like that, I guess I'm not entirely clear on that one. But Making Fun isn't Goko. They did hire Jeff though, who worked at Goko.

Can someone explain this joke?
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: silverspawn on December 04, 2014, 10:28:25 am
Second, it is a play on words because Making Fun is the name of the company that took over Dominion Online after Goko.  Or Goko changed their name to Making Fun.  I am still not entirely clear on that.
Making Fun was an unrelated existing company with their own stuff going on. I think Goko still exists as an entity for paperwork or something like that, I guess I'm not entirely clear on that one. But Making Fun isn't Goko. They did hire Jeff though, who worked at Goko.

Can someone explain this joke?

Certainly. The joke is that you're asking to for explanation on something you refer as a joke that's clearly a serious post. This is funny because the post was about goko and Making Fun and how they're two different things. This can be interpreted as a defense of MF, even though MF is widely considered to be just as bad as Goko in this forum. Implying that the post is a joke is an attack on this defense, resulting in a direct loss of dignity.

The second joke is the usage of "this", which on first glance is a reference to Donald's post, but on second glance is also a reference to itself. This is particularly clever, because although the post you quoted was not a joke, hence asking to explain it seems nonsensical, it is completely justified if "this" is interpreted like I described above.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: enfynet on December 04, 2014, 10:31:20 am
MF is the abbreviation for Millennium Force on most of the other sites I visit.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Elanchana on December 04, 2014, 11:08:12 am
But who is Jeff?
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Witherweaver on December 04, 2014, 11:10:38 am
But who is Jeff?

Pretty sure it was the punchline.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: pacovf on December 04, 2014, 11:42:46 am
...those who enjoy dark humor and those who had their legs amputated.

I knew this one with a different structure:

"Dark humour is like a pair of legs. Not everybody has it."
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: SwitchedFromStarcraft on December 04, 2014, 12:50:10 pm
There are two kinds of people:

...those who enjoy dark humor and those who had their legs amputated.

...those who understand this joke and those who understand paradoxes.

This is very good.  At first glance, formatting of the post would suggest that the topic sentence has correctly signposted that two descriptors are to come, and indeed two 'bullets' appear.  However, depending on the reader's interpretation of the relationship between the coordinating conjunction "and" and the second occurrence of the demonstrative pronoun "those" in each bullet, it is unclear which of the following is being represented:

a) "kind of people" #1 is that population formed by the intersection of those enjoying dark humor and those having both legs amputated, and by extension "kind of people" #2 is that population formed by the intersection of those that understand the joke and those who understand paradoxes, OR
b) two kinds of people are listed in the first bullet, and two MORE kinds of people are listed in the second people, for a total (at a  minimum) of FOUR kinds of people rather than the two that were signposted.

This perceived lack of clarity is clearly the very basis of the paradox referred to therein, giving rise to a 'nested paradox', if you will - the use of the word paradox within, rather than as a signpost for, the actual paradox.

Semanticists and/or pedants may argue whether this was truly a paradox, and grammarians may argue as to whether the second use of the demonstrative pronoun in each bullet makes it clear that there are two populations described in each bullet.  Nonetheless, the overall effect is both subtly funny AND paradoxical, fully qualifying it for the thread.  Masterful, indeed.

TL;DR - Venn diagrams are your friend.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Teproc on December 04, 2014, 01:05:34 pm
I would fall in both the "semanticist and/or pedant" and "grammarian" categories, despite being pretty underqualified for the latter.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: pacovf on December 04, 2014, 04:55:26 pm
There are two kinds of people:

...those who enjoy dark humor and those who had their legs amputated.

...those who understand this joke and those who understand paradoxes.

This is very good.  At first glance, formatting of the post would suggest that the topic sentence has correctly signposted that two descriptors are to come, and indeed two 'bullets' appear.  However, depending on the reader's interpretation of the relationship between the coordinating conjunction "and" and the second occurrence of the demonstrative pronoun "those" in each bullet, it is unclear which of the following is being represented:

a) "kind of people" #1 is that population formed by the intersection of those enjoying dark humor and those having both legs amputated, and by extension "kind of people" #2 is that population formed by the intersection of those that understand the joke and those who understand paradoxes, OR
b) two kinds of people are listed in the first bullet, and two MORE kinds of people are listed in the second people, for a total (at a  minimum) of FOUR kinds of people rather than the two that were signposted.

This perceived lack of clarity is clearly the very basis of the paradox referred to therein, giving rise to a 'nested paradox', if you will - the use of the word paradox within, rather than as a signpost for, the actual paradox.

Semanticists and/or pedants may argue whether this was truly a paradox, and grammarians may argue as to whether the second use of the demonstrative pronoun in each bullet makes it clear that there are two populations described in each bullet.  Nonetheless, the overall effect is both subtly funny AND paradoxical, fully qualifying it for the thread.  Masterful, indeed.

TL;DR - Venn diagrams are your friend.

This is funny because explaining jokes make them funnier, so you explained soulnet's jokes, but you aren't getting any respect for it haha sucks to be you.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Tables on December 04, 2014, 05:29:57 pm
I made image macros (or memes, if you prefer) for blind people! Enjoy!

(http://i.imgur.com/0BXz9Xu.png)

(http://i.imgur.com/zNfgPSJ.png)

(http://i.imgur.com/0BXz9Xu.png)

...

Yeah this was a terrible idea. Maybe someone will get a laugh out of my borderline offensive humour though. I work with a blind pupil daily anyway and he'd be okay with this, so I figure it's probably alright to post.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Witherweaver on December 04, 2014, 05:35:01 pm
I'm blind and I was offended by that.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Asper on December 04, 2014, 05:46:23 pm
I'm blind and I was offended by that.

Really? I found the second one hilarious.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: eHalcyon on December 04, 2014, 05:46:44 pm
That's some black humor, right there.

Here's another one:

(http://40.media.tumblr.com/c4ecd0ed37a41e094c083848a9d1cc73/tumblr_nfky8saezK1qzzelmo1_320.png)

Granted, mine is a bit off-colour.  It's #160f0d instead of #000000.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: pacovf on December 04, 2014, 05:48:39 pm
I'm blind and I was offended by that.

Damn ninja'd! Hum....

I work with a blind pupil daily anyway and he'd be okay with this, so I figure it's probably alright to post.

(http://explosm.net/db/files/Comics/Matt/Im-Jewish-so-this-counts-as-self-deprecation,-making-it-that-much-more-Jewy.png)
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: sudgy on December 04, 2014, 05:52:00 pm
That's some black humor, right there.

Here's another one:

(http://40.media.tumblr.com/c4ecd0ed37a41e094c083848a9d1cc73/tumblr_nfky8saezK1qzzelmo1_320.png)

Granted, mine is a bit off-colour.  It's #160f0d instead of #000000.

I don't see any off-colors in it...

(http://wiki.dominionstrategy.com/images/8/8e/Mine.jpg)
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: eHalcyon on December 04, 2014, 05:54:29 pm
Eh?  There are numerous off-colours in there.  Touches of reds on the foreground character, for example.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: scott_pilgrim on December 04, 2014, 10:52:03 pm
I like my coffee like I like my slaves: free   .
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: soulnet on December 05, 2014, 03:44:49 pm
What does the pedophiles orchestra play? The magical flute in A minor

reference (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UUXi4ppLm-U)
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: soulnet on December 05, 2014, 03:46:02 pm
"Dark humour is like a pair of legs. Not everybody has it."

Oh right, I knew it that way too, but remembered it wrong. I liked this incarnation better, though:

Racism is like black people. An abomination.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Kuildeous on December 05, 2014, 03:47:42 pm
What does the pedophiles orchestra play? The magical flute in A minor

reference (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UUXi4ppLm-U)

I'm so not clicking that link after seeing that joke.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Tables on December 05, 2014, 04:10:43 pm
Well, I'm glad that joke went down acceptably. I was on the way home today and thinking 'oh gosh what if this is actually offensive?' I suppose I was worrying for nothing.

Well, my funny count... erm, respect went up as a result, so I'm happy. I need my arbitrary internet points.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: pacovf on December 05, 2014, 04:41:01 pm
Well, I'm glad that joke went down acceptably. I was on the way home today and thinking 'oh gosh what if this is actually offensive?' I suppose I was worrying for nothing.

Maybe the joke wasn't offensive. Or maybe we are all dickheads. It depends on the angle you look at it from.

Except for blind people. They can't look at things.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: A Drowned Kernel on December 05, 2014, 05:55:35 pm
I like my coffee like I like my slaves: free   .

I like my coffee like I like my women. Still warm.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Kirian on December 05, 2014, 06:18:36 pm
I like my coffee like I like my slaves: free   .

I like my coffee like I like my women. Still warm.

I like my coffee the way I like my unicorns: imaginary.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: SwitchedFromStarcraft on December 05, 2014, 06:37:05 pm
I like my coffee like I like my slaves: free   .

I like my coffee like I like my women. Still warm.

I like my coffee the way I like my unicorns: imaginary.
I like my coffee the way I like my carbon monoxide:  odorless, colorless, tasteless, and less dense than air
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: silverspawn on December 05, 2014, 07:07:16 pm
I like my coffee like I like my slaves: free   .

I like my coffee like I like my women. Still warm.

I like my coffee the way I like my unicorns: imaginary.
I like my coffee the way I like my carbon monoxide:  odorless, colorless, tasteless, and less dense than air
I like my coffee as I like my GF I don't :c
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Tables on December 05, 2014, 07:19:12 pm
I like my coffee like I like my slaves: free   .

I like my coffee like I like my women. Still warm.

I like my coffee the way I like my unicorns: imaginary.
I like my coffee the way I like my carbon monoxide:  odorless, colorless, tasteless, and less dense than air
I like my coffee as I like my GF I don't :c
I like my coffee as I like this quote chain: I don't understand the appeal and would prefer other things thanks
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: pacovf on December 05, 2014, 07:25:58 pm
I like my coffee like I like my slaves: free   .

I like my coffee like I like my women. Still warm.

I like my coffee the way I like my unicorns: imaginary.
I like my coffee the way I like my carbon monoxide:  odorless, colorless, tasteless, and less dense than air
I like my coffee as I like my GF I don't :c
I like my coffee as I like this quote chain: I don't understand the appeal and would prefer other things thanks

But you just, huh... eh?

I like my coffee as I like inconsistencies: actually I don't like coffee.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Asper on December 05, 2014, 09:56:52 pm
I like my coffee like I like my slaves: free   .

I like my coffee like I like my women. Still warm.

I like my coffee the way I like my unicorns: imaginary.
I like my coffee the way I like my carbon monoxide:  odorless, colorless, tasteless, and less dense than air
I like my coffee as I like my GF I don't :c
I like my coffee as I like this quote chain: I don't understand the appeal and would prefer other things thanks

But you just, huh... eh?

I like my coffee as I like inconsistencies: actually I don't like coffee.

I like to change the subject.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Galzria on December 06, 2014, 12:06:25 am
There once was a young man Cairo, who fell ill  on his was to the Pharaoh. As he sneezed and sneezed, the Pharaoh was not pleased - He said "You might be the first to go viral.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Elanchana on December 06, 2014, 01:46:48 am
I have a new business.
What's your new business?
I run a trading post.
How is business?
Well, everyone tells me it's trash, but I always say that there's a silver lining.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Ozle on December 06, 2014, 06:22:30 am
I like my coffee like I like my slaves: free   .

This joke is ok because I have slaves
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Kirian on December 06, 2014, 10:04:00 am
I like my coffee the way I like my coffee: tautological.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: WalrusMcFishSr on December 06, 2014, 10:28:17 am
In Soviet Russia, coffee likes you!
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: sudgy on December 06, 2014, 12:09:21 pm
I like my coffee mugs the way I like my donuts: topological.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: liopoil on December 06, 2014, 12:15:52 pm
I like my coffee mugs the way I like my donuts: topological.
That doesn't make any sense. You should have said torus, or homeomorphic
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: pacovf on December 06, 2014, 12:23:14 pm
I like my coffee mugs the way I like my donuts: topological.
That doesn't make any sense. You should have said torus, or homeomorphic

That doesn't make any sense. Torus is a noun, not an adjective, so it can't describe a "way".  You should have said "toroidal". And homeomorphic is always relative to something, so it doesn't mean anything by itself. You should have said "homeomorphic to each other". And if recursive definitions make you uneasy, you could also combine the two: "homeomorphic to a torus".

Please don't thank me for improving your correction, I do it with great pleasure.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Witherweaver on December 06, 2014, 12:30:29 pm
I think "Homeomorphic" would have been clear that it meant "homeomorphic to each other".
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: soulnet on December 06, 2014, 12:37:09 pm
I like my coffee the way I like my suspense:
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: pacovf on December 06, 2014, 01:00:15 pm
I like my coffee the way I like electronic mus - electronic mus - elec - elec -electro -lec - lec - electronic mus - tro - tro - electro - elec - electronic - tronic - elec - electronic - tro - tro - tro - tronic -electronic music - tronic music - electro - electronic music. Not at all when I am trying to sleep.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: eHalcyon on December 06, 2014, 01:01:04 pm
I have a new business.
What's your business?
I'm a seat filler.
How is business?
I got to sit on a throne the other day.  I'm a seat filler.
How is business?
I got to sit on a throne the other day.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: soulnet on December 06, 2014, 01:45:19 pm
intense.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Kirian on December 06, 2014, 02:45:10 pm
intense.

...is how you like your coffee?
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Elanchana on December 06, 2014, 02:55:45 pm
intense.

...is how you like your coffee?

It's certainly how I like my camping.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Galzria on December 06, 2014, 02:58:50 pm
I like my coffee like I like my gay men: Delish.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: theory on December 06, 2014, 03:17:03 pm
Coffee just like I like my women: black, bitter, preferably fair trade. Oh, and your sauce needs less salt.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: A Drowned Kernel on December 06, 2014, 11:56:00 pm
I like my coffee the way I like my suspense:

There are two types of people in this world: people who can infer things from incomplete information,
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: enfynet on December 07, 2014, 12:19:03 am
I like my coffee the way I like my suspense:

There are two types of people in this world: people who can infer things from incomplete information,
... and people who like coffee?
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Galzria on December 07, 2014, 02:03:29 am
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a Martinus.

The bartender replies, "Don't you mean a Martini?"

The Roman answered back, "If I wanted a double, I would've asked for it."
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Galzria on December 07, 2014, 02:12:50 am
A woman walks into a store and finds the nearest retailer.

She asks him "Can I try on that dress in the window?"

The retailer responds "I'd much rather you try it on in the dressing room".
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Galzria on December 07, 2014, 02:21:05 am
A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

The bus driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Galzria on December 07, 2014, 02:26:15 am
And one more just for the holidays:

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Asper on December 07, 2014, 06:22:47 am
And one more just for the holidays:

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

Ha ha!
No need to explain the joke, i got this one on my own: They "checked" in. Very good.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Kirian on December 07, 2014, 10:56:38 am
And one more just for the holidays:

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

Oddly this is still one of my favorite puns.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: jonts26 on December 07, 2014, 08:02:13 pm
(http://explosm.net/db/files/Comics/Kris/breakup.png)
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Witherweaver on December 07, 2014, 08:13:07 pm
Oh, we're for puns now?

*Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer, dead at 53. Over Barcelona today, the famed reindeer was hit by a flock of seagulls and a 747. Eyewitnesses report, that the reindeer in Spain was hit mainly by the plane.

*Famous Playboy Hugh Hefner managed to successfully stop an order of monks from operating a business on his property. The police forced the friars to close down their stall, which was outside the Playboy mansion where they had been selling flowers. Said one friar, well, if it was anyone else we may have gotten away from it, but, unfortunately, only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

*A scientist today admitted that he paid a prostitute over a thousand dollars to take a special chemical compound with some sparkling water in attempts to increase her IQ by over 80 points. The experiment failed, however, which proves: you can lead a whore to water but you can’t make her think.

*Our top story today: Convicted hit man Jimmy 'Two-Shoes' McClarty confessed today that he was once hired to beat a cow to death in a rice field using only two small porcelain figures. Police admit this may be the first known case of a knickknack paddy-whack.

Yes they're all from Colin Mochrie on Whose Line.  This page collects some:

http://threadoftruth.wordpress.com/2011/03/05/my-top-10-colin-mochrie-headlines-in-wliia-weird-newscasters/

and most can be found in this video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ntDTUdyeE-k
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Galzria on December 07, 2014, 10:41:20 pm
I love Collin like I love my Coffee: Only when not being straddled by Ryan.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Witherweaver on December 08, 2014, 11:19:43 am
(http://i.imgur.com/zRnm4dj.jpg) (http://imgur.com/gallery/zRnm4dj)
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Squidd on December 08, 2014, 03:07:42 pm
Reminded of this one because the key word is in today's LA Times crossword:

A young woman is visiting Boston. She comes out of the airport, hails a cab. "Where to?" asks the cabbie.

"Do you know where I can get scrod?" she asks.

"Huh," he says. "I never heard anybody use it in the pluperfect subjunctive before."
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Tables on December 09, 2014, 05:24:53 pm
Got one for you all! And it's only slightly offensive to everyone!

I like my coffee how I like people: I don't like people



Don't like that one? Fine, how about a more offensive, but more cryptic one?

I like my coffee how I like people:                          
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: soulnet on December 09, 2014, 05:35:11 pm
I like my coffee how I like people:                          

Who likes spoiled coffee? Or spoiled people, for that matter?
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: pacovf on December 09, 2014, 05:52:37 pm
Got one for you all! And it's only slightly offensive to everyone!

I like my coffee how I like people: I don't like people



Don't like that one? Fine, how about a more offensive, but more cryptic one?

I like my coffee how I like people:                          

Fine, you know what? I didn't like you either! ....Too much!

-sniff-
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Galzria on December 09, 2014, 05:57:32 pm
Don't like that one? Fine, how about a more offensive, but more cryptic one?

I like my coffee how I like people:                          

I'm -extremely- offended Tables.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: ipofanes on December 10, 2014, 03:46:25 am
I like my coffee how I like people:                          

Who likes spoiled coffee? Or spoiled people, for that matter?

My association was "black people".
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: markusin on December 10, 2014, 06:45:24 am
I like my coffee how I like people:                          

Who likes spoiled coffee? Or spoiled people, for that matter?

My association was "black people".
That, and "censored".
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Elanchana on December 10, 2014, 07:25:50 am
My coffee's got a blank space, baby...
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Asper on December 10, 2014, 08:56:54 am
I like my Brezels how i like to take Table's jokes: With a grain of salt.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Witherweaver on December 10, 2014, 09:22:57 am
I thought it was "not spoiled", since the black bar doesn't go away.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Kuildeous on December 10, 2014, 12:30:02 pm
Naked with a black bar covering the naughties? Can't argue with that.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: pacovf on December 10, 2014, 12:42:21 pm
Yes you can.

It's better without the black bar.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Witherweaver on December 10, 2014, 12:45:42 pm
Yes you can.

It's better without the black bar.

Depends on the ... board.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: soulnet on December 10, 2014, 01:33:52 pm
Yes you can.

It's better without the black bar.

Well, maybe your will power is enough to argue when facing someone only covered by a couple of black bars and Kuildeous is not. I am more like him: in that situation, I assume I would be too aroused or appalled to argue.

Out of context material right here. Be the first to take advantage!
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Tables on December 11, 2014, 05:27:55 pm
I'm loving the interpretations of that joke. Since it wasn't entirely clear, I'll now explain it. The reason I'm going to do that is that it will make it funnier, as I have explained why it was funny in the first place. The spoiler was representing the colour black. I was saying I like my coffee black, which is a kind of coffee, and I also like my people black. In other words I was saying I like black people. This is quite an old joke, which is what the format of joke was based on, and therefore this was a funny cryptic joke to make.

I hope my explanation is clear to all of you. I for one don't understand what I just typed.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Witherweaver on December 11, 2014, 05:29:22 pm
I'm loving the interpretations of that joke. Since it wasn't entirely clear, I'll now explain it. The reason I'm going to do that is that it will make it funnier, as I have explained why it was funny in the first place. The spoiler was representing the colour black. I was saying I like my coffee black, which is a kind of coffee, and I also like my people black. In other words I was saying I like black people. This is quite an old joke, which is what the format of joke was based on, and therefore this was a funny cryptic joke to make.

I hope my explanation is clear to all of you. I for one don't understand what I just typed.

Also a valid interpretation:

"I like my coffee like I like my people: Rectangular"

Or polygonal. 
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: pacovf on December 11, 2014, 05:52:36 pm
I'm loving the interpretations of that joke. Since it wasn't entirely clear, I'll now explain it. The reason I'm going to do that is that it will make it funnier, as I have explained why it was funny in the first place. The spoiler was representing the colour black. I was saying I like my coffee black, which is a kind of coffee, and I also like my people black. In other words I was saying I like black people. This is quite an old joke, which is what the format of joke was based on, and therefore this was a funny cryptic joke to make.

I hope my explanation is clear to all of you. I for one don't understand what I just typed.

Also a valid interpretation:

"I like my coffee like I like my people: Rectangular"

Or polygonal.

I like my coffe like I like my people: with multiple equally valid interpretations.

Booya. Also scout.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Asper on December 11, 2014, 06:00:46 pm
I like my Brezels how i like to take Table's jokes: With a grain of salt.

I'm just now realizing that this maybe doesn't quite mean what i intended to say. I made sure before to check the german translation and was pretty certain that "take with a grain of salt" could mean "don't take too serious". Checking again today i realized it's probably(?) more of a "take it with a skeptical attitude".

So, while i don't always agree with Tables, it wasn' t my intent to inopportunely say "Tables' jokes are mean if you look close enough". Sorry if it came along like that.

If i got the translation right and nobody upvoted it simply because you thought it wasn't funny, i can live with that. But it's tough...  :'(


Why even visit American websites if you can't speak American?
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: eHalcyon on December 11, 2014, 06:03:35 pm
I like my Brezels how i like to take Table's jokes: With a grain of salt.

I'm just now realizing that this maybe doesn't quite mean what i intended to say. I made sure before to check the german translation and was pretty certain that "take with a grain of salt" could mean "don't take too serious". Checking again today i realized it's probably(?) more of a "take it with a skeptical attitude".

So, while i don't always agree with Tables, it wasn' t my intent to inopportunely say "Tables' jokes are mean if you look close enough". Sorry if it came along like that.

If i got the translation right and nobody upvoted it simply because you thought it wasn't funny, i can live with that. But it's tough...  :'(


Why even visit American websites if you can't speak American?

It could also be that nobody knew what brezels are.  I thought it was a typo for "pretzel", though apparently it's German!
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Asper on December 11, 2014, 06:10:36 pm
I like my Brezels how i like to take Table's jokes: With a grain of salt.

I'm just now realizing that this maybe doesn't quite mean what i intended to say. I made sure before to check the german translation and was pretty certain that "take with a grain of salt" could mean "don't take too serious". Checking again today i realized it's probably(?) more of a "take it with a skeptical attitude".

So, while i don't always agree with Tables, it wasn' t my intent to inopportunely say "Tables' jokes are mean if you look close enough". Sorry if it came along like that.

If i got the translation right and nobody upvoted it simply because you thought it wasn't funny, i can live with that. But it's tough...  :'(


Why even visit American websites if you can't speak American?

It could also be that nobody knew what brezels are.  I thought it was a typo for "pretzel", though apparently it's German!

Huh, that didn't even occur to me. I always thought people pronouncing it "pretzel" just had a hard time pronouncing "Brezel". I didn't even know it was written differently in english O__o
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Kuildeous on December 12, 2014, 09:41:42 am
I'm just now realizing that this maybe doesn't quite mean what i intended to say. I made sure before to check the german translation and was pretty certain that "take with a grain of salt" could mean "don't take too serious". Checking again today i realized it's probably(?) more of a "take it with a skeptical attitude".

So, while i don't always agree with Tables, it wasn' t my intent to inopportunely say "Tables' jokes are mean if you look close enough". Sorry if it came along like that.

If i got the translation right and nobody upvoted it simply because you thought it wasn't funny, i can live with that. But it's tough...  :'(

I thought it a clever joke. I didn't know what a Brezel was, but I figured out from the context that it's something that can be salted for additional flavor (true for most foods).

But I don't upvote everything I laugh at, so you'll have to be content with the knowledge that it made people laugh even if it doesn't have a lot of upvotes. I don't post for the upvotes. I post because I'm brilliant and wish to share that brilliance with the rest of you.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Kirian on December 12, 2014, 09:55:07 am
I like my Brezels how i like to take Table's jokes: With a grain of salt.

I'm just now realizing that this maybe doesn't quite mean what i intended to say. I made sure before to check the german translation and was pretty certain that "take with a grain of salt" could mean "don't take too serious". Checking again today i realized it's probably(?) more of a "take it with a skeptical attitude".

So, while i don't always agree with Tables, it wasn' t my intent to inopportunely say "Tables' jokes are mean if you look close enough". Sorry if it came along like that.

If i got the translation right and nobody upvoted it simply because you thought it wasn't funny, i can live with that. But it's tough...  :'(


Why even visit American websites if you can't speak American?

Both meanings for "take with a grain of salt" are fine.

Welcome to the English language, where the words are made up and the rules don't matter.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: enfynet on December 12, 2014, 10:00:47 am
I like my Brezels how i like to take Table's jokes: With a grain of salt.

I'm just now realizing that this maybe doesn't quite mean what i intended to say. I made sure before to check the german translation and was pretty certain that "take with a grain of salt" could mean "don't take too serious". Checking again today i realized it's probably(?) more of a "take it with a skeptical attitude".

So, while i don't always agree with Tables, it wasn' t my intent to inopportunely say "Tables' jokes are mean if you look close enough". Sorry if it came along like that.

If i got the translation right and nobody upvoted it simply because you thought it wasn't funny, i can live with that. But it's tough...  :'(


Why even visit American websites if you can't speak American?

Both meanings for "take with a grain of salt" are fine.

Welcome to the English language, where the words are made up and the rules don't matter.
Which "English" language are you referring to? British? Canadian? Irish? Southern? Merriam-Webster? Politically-Correct?

In practice, these can be as different as Spanish-Portugese-Italian.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: soulnet on December 12, 2014, 10:01:49 am
Welcome to the English language, where the words are made up and the rules don't matter.

I think the language is not the only thing that works that way in the US.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: soulnet on December 12, 2014, 10:02:33 am
In practice, these can be as different as Spanish-Portugese-Italian.

Which Spanish? Which Portuguese? Which Italian?

The three that walked into a bar?
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: SwitchedFromStarcraft on December 12, 2014, 10:26:58 am
Welcome to the English language, where the words are made up and the rules don't matter.

I think the language is not the only thing that works that way in the US.
This is just so spot on.

I upvoted the post.

Here is an additional +1.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: heron on May 19, 2015, 10:23:24 pm
Evariste Galois was not only a mathematical genius but also a dedicated revolutionary. Ironically, he proved that many problems cannot be solved by radicals.

I'll admit I didn't come up with that joke, but I think it is brilliant.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: sudgy on May 19, 2015, 11:38:34 pm
What's a quick way to lose 30 pounds?

Go to England and buy something
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: A Drowned Kernel on May 19, 2015, 11:59:43 pm
What's a quick way to lose 30 pounds?

Go to England and buy something

That's not very quick.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Witherweaver on May 20, 2015, 05:16:43 am
Evariste Galois was not only a mathematical genius but also a dedicated revolutionary. Ironically, he proved that many problems cannot be solved by radicals.

I'll admit I didn't come up with that joke, but I think it is brilliant.

This one is cute.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Kuildeous on May 20, 2015, 08:05:56 am
Evariste Galois was not only a mathematical genius but also a dedicated revolutionary. Ironically, he proved that many problems cannot be solved by radicals.

I'll admit I didn't come up with that joke, but I think it is brilliant.

This one is acute.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: qmech on May 20, 2015, 11:16:00 am
What's a quick way to lose 30 pounds?

Go to England and buy something

That's not very quick.

That depends on your Kingdom.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Asper on May 20, 2015, 12:21:08 pm
Evariste Galois was not only a mathematical genius but also a dedicated revolutionary. Ironically, he proved that many problems cannot be solved by radicals.

I'll admit I didn't come up with that joke, but I think it is brilliant.

This one is acurate.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: belugawhale on May 21, 2015, 03:44:32 pm
A programming genius called Sewter
Built a limerick-writing computer.
The metre was fine
and the rhymes quite divine
But for some reason the damn thing always got the last line wrong.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Kirian on May 21, 2015, 04:55:11 pm
Evariste Galois was not only a mathematical genius but also a dedicated revolutionary. Ironically, he proved that many problems cannot be solved by radicals.

I'll admit I didn't come up with that joke, but I think it is brilliant.

This one is accurate.

Fixed for accuracy.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Jimmmmm on May 21, 2015, 07:53:32 pm
3 logicians walk into a bar.

Bartender: "Would you all like a drink?"
Logician #1: "I don't know."
Logician #2: "I don't know."
Logician #3: "Yes!"
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Asper on May 22, 2015, 01:31:03 pm
A Roman walks into a bar, raises two fingers and says: "Five beers, please."

An athlete walks into a bar and hurts himself.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: eHalcyon on May 22, 2015, 01:34:08 pm
A Roman walks into a bar, raises two fingers and says: "Five beers, please."

An athlete walks into a bar and hurts himself.

A shapeshifter was walking down the street when he turned into a bar.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Elanchana on May 22, 2015, 01:40:42 pm
Rene Descartes was in a bar and finished his drink. The bartender said "Would you like another?" Decartes said "I think not." And he disappeared.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: belugawhale on May 22, 2015, 02:45:32 pm
A programmer's wife one day asked her husband, "Can you go to the shop and buy a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, buy six?" The programmer dutifully goes to shop and returns with 7 loaves of bread.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Awaclus on May 22, 2015, 02:55:19 pm
I like the "while you're there" joke better.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Asper on May 22, 2015, 05:05:09 pm
The logician's wife gives birth to a child. Still trying to catch her breath, she asks him: "Is it a boy or a girl?" He replies: "Yes."
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Awaclus on May 22, 2015, 05:08:24 pm
The logician's wife gives birth to a child. Still trying to catch her breath, she asks him: "Is it a boy or a girl?" He replies: "Yes."

I actually do that all the time.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: sudgy on May 23, 2015, 01:06:26 am
A woman is pregnant but goes into a coma.  She ends up giving birth while she sleeps.  She finally gets better, and the first thing she asks the doctors is, "What happened to my baby?"  He replies, "Don't worry, they're fine.  You had twins, a boy and a girl.  Your brother named them for you."  "Oh no, he's crazy.  What did he name the girl?"  "Denise."  "Well, that's not bad.  What did he name the boy?"  "Denephew."
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Kuildeous on May 23, 2015, 11:33:40 am
I like the "while you're there" joke better.

Brilliant.

And he was never seen again.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Seprix on May 25, 2015, 11:11:33 am
I went to the doctor the other day for a routine checkup. After a while he told me I had to stop masturbating. I asked him why since it surely couldn't be bad for my health. He replied "no no its perfectly healthy... It's just distracting."

a sandwich goes into a bar and orders a drink.
the bartender says "sorry- we don't serve food here."
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: SwitchedFromStarcraft on May 25, 2015, 01:01:02 pm
A friend of mine went to the proctologist.  The doc came in and asked him to take off his pants.  My friend did as requested, asking where he should put the pants.  The response "over there with mine" was not the one he expected.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Seprix on June 09, 2015, 04:49:20 pm
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Accatitippi on June 09, 2015, 04:57:39 pm
The logician's wife gives birth to a child. Still trying to catch her breath, she asks him: "Is it a boy or a girl?" He replies: "Yes."

I actually do that all the time.

Wow, you must have a lot of children.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: sudgy on June 09, 2015, 06:15:34 pm
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Jew gotta be kidding me.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Seprix on June 09, 2015, 06:22:55 pm
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Jew gotta be kidding me.

Nah, Israeli how he does it.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: sudgy on June 10, 2015, 01:39:44 am
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Jew gotta be kidding me.

Nah, Israeli how he does it.

Are you Syrias?
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Seprix on June 10, 2015, 02:31:50 am
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Jew gotta be kidding me.

Nah, Israeli how he does it.

Are you Syrias?

I Canaan tell you lies for things of this matter.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: SwitchedFromStarcraft on June 10, 2015, 08:59:14 am
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Jew gotta be kidding me.

Nah, Israeli how he does it.

Are you Syrias?

I Canaan tell you lies for things of this matter.
Jordan straight you can't.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: A Drowned Kernel on June 14, 2015, 06:53:30 pm
A friend of mine went to the proctologist.  The doc came in and asked him to take off his pants.  My friend did as requested, asking where he should put the pants.  The response "over there with mine" was not the one he expected.

I went to the doctor the other day and he told me I had to stop masturbating. I asked him why and he said "Because I'm trying to examine you."
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Seprix on June 18, 2015, 11:29:26 am
What does Barney the Dinosaur, Hitler, and a banana all have in common?

Rule 34.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Kirian on June 18, 2015, 12:01:15 pm
Dominion Online v2.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Seprix on June 18, 2015, 12:01:50 pm
Dominion Online v2.

HAHAHAHAHA

oh wait.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Kuildeous on June 18, 2015, 12:18:12 pm
What does Barney the Dinosaur, Hitler, and a banana all have in common?

Rule 34.

I didn't know what that was, so I Googled it.

I have gouged out my eyes since.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Seprix on June 18, 2015, 12:18:52 pm
What does Barney the Dinosaur, Hitler, and a banana all have in common?

Rule 34.

I didn't know what that was, so I Googled it.

I have gouged out my eyes since.

R34 is just the rule that if it exists, there is porn of it.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: AndrewisFTTW on June 18, 2015, 01:36:40 pm
Why do Jews play football?

To get the quarterback.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Seprix on June 18, 2015, 01:37:49 pm
Why do Jews play football?

To get the quarterback.

Racist jokes now? :p
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Kuildeous on June 18, 2015, 02:26:28 pm
Why do Jews play football?

To get the quarterback.

Racist jokes now? :p

Perhaps there ought to be a thread for tasteless jokes in RSP.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Seprix on June 18, 2015, 02:27:41 pm
Why do Jews play football?

To get the quarterback.

Racist jokes now? :p

Perhaps there ought to be a thread for tasteless jokes in RSP.

I concur. I love tasteless jokes as much as the next guy, but I think they should be in RSP, just to cover bases.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: AndrewisFTTW on June 18, 2015, 02:38:20 pm
Alright alright. I'll go back to my cave.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Seprix on July 18, 2015, 07:03:05 pm
A few jokes to celebrate Joseph's moving to London.

How do police know that princess Diana had dandruff?
They found her head and shoulders under the steering wheel.

What do you call an Englishman in the knockout stages of the World Cup?
A Referee.

Why do the English make the best lovers?
Because English are the only ones who can stay on top for 45 minutes and still come second.

What's the difference between Cinderella and the England football team?
Cinderella wanted to get to the ball

What's the difference between the England team and a tea-bag?
The tea-bag stays in the cup longer.

Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Awaclus on July 18, 2015, 07:13:00 pm
What's the difference between the England team and a tea-bag?
The tea-bag stays in the cup longer.

The joke is that you immediately throw away the tea bag before it ruins the water you heated up for the purpose of preparing good tea.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Kuildeous on July 20, 2015, 11:03:34 am
How do police know that princess Diana had dandruff?
They found her head and shoulders under the steering wheel.

Wow, I never thought I'd see that joke recycled. Creepy.

On topic: Who was the best boxer?

Jim Jones. He knocked out 909 people with one punch.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: sudgy on July 20, 2015, 12:42:07 pm
Who was the last person to box Joe Louis?  His undertaker.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: belugawhale on July 24, 2015, 12:17:38 am
There were two cats, One Two Three and Un Deux Trois. One day, the cats were frolicking by the riverbank, when a mean dog appeared. The two cats dove into the water, seeing the dog couldn't swim, and began paddling across. Which cat made it to the other side?
One Two Three, because Un Deux Trois cat sank. (if you don't understand French, go to google translate and listen to the translation of "one two three four five"
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Seprix on July 24, 2015, 12:37:34 am
One more joke for Joseph:

It is the World Cup, it is just before Brazil plays England in the decisive game that could decide who stays and goes home.
 
Neymar goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.
 
"What's up?" he asks.
 
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only England. They're sh*t and we can't be bothered."
 
Neymar looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat them by myself, you lads go down to the pub."
 
So Neymar goes out to play England by himself, while the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few beers. After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the TV on. A big cheer goes up as the screen shows:
 
Brazil 1 (Neymar 10 minutes) - England 0
 
"He is beating England all by himself," a player exclaimed. After the game is long forgotten a few beers later, a player remembers and says, "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on." The players check, and see:
 
"Results: Brazil 1(Neymar 10 minutes) - England 1 (Rooney 89 minutes)."
 
The players can't believe it, Neymar had single handedly gotten a draw against England! The Brazilians rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Neymar, and they find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sitting with his head in his hands.
 
Neymar refuses to look at his fellow team mates. "I've let you all down, I've let you all down," he says sadly.
 
"Don't be stupid, you got a draw against England all by yourself, and they only scored at the last second!"
 
Neymar sighs and replies, "No, No, I have. I've let you down! I got sent off after 12 minutes."
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: ipofanes on July 24, 2015, 04:01:39 am
This one doesn't work too well after the last tournament, but I'll grant that the joke wouldn't work with teams like Germany or Spain who are not relying on a single player, or Argentina with all those connotations about Malvinas and Hand of God.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: scott_pilgrim on July 26, 2015, 08:58:36 pm
Do you know what the best thing about living in Switzerland is?  I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

What is the little mermaid's favorite math class?  Algae bra

A Buddhist monk goes to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Elanchana on August 05, 2015, 12:58:01 pm
I saw a magic car the other day. It turned into a driveway.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: sudgy on August 05, 2015, 01:02:55 pm
One day Jesus was teaching the crowds, and at one point he says, "y = 3x2 - 4x + 1".1  His disciples, of course, have no idea what he's talking about.  They think maybe John will know something, so they ask him.  John says, "Don't worry.  It's just another one of his parabolas."


1Okay, I seriously don't know where this period should go.  It should be in the quote, but it messes up the mathematical formula...
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: sudgy on August 05, 2015, 01:08:49 pm
There is a group of people called the Trids.  The area where they live doesn't have much food, but there's a mountain near them that has tons of food at the top of it.  They love climbing mountains and are really good at it, so they live a happy life getting their food from the mountain.

But, one day, a terrible monster comes to the mountain and starts kicking the Trids down the mountain whenever they climb up.  They now have no food.  One day a rabbi comes into their village and they ask him to see if he can do anything about the monster.  He decides to climb up the mountain to help.

The journey takes him a couple weeks, because he's not used to climbing mountains.  The whole time, he sees Trids going up the mountain, then later toppling down after being kicked.  Finally, he reaches the top.  The monster is up there, with a tea party ready for the rabbi!  The rabbi goes up to the monster and asks why he's so mean to the Trids but nice to himself.  The monster replies, "Silly rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Kuildeous on August 05, 2015, 01:23:28 pm
One day Jesus was teaching the crowds, and at one point he says, "y = 3x2 - 4x + 1".

Am I the only one here who immediately solved for x if y=0?
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Awaclus on August 05, 2015, 01:25:16 pm
One day Jesus was teaching the crowds, and at one point he says, "y = 3x2 - 4x + 1".

Am I the only one here who immediately solved for x if y=0?

I solved it for y if x = 0.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: sudgy on August 05, 2015, 02:53:35 pm
One day Jesus was teaching the crowds, and at one point he says, "y = 3x2 - 4x + 1".

Am I the only one here who immediately solved for x if y=0?

Oh wow, that actually solves pretty well.  That was unintentional.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Donald X. on August 05, 2015, 06:08:48 pm
One day Jesus was teaching the crowds, and at one point he says, "y = 3x2 - 4x + 1".1  His disciples, of course, have no idea what he's talking about.  They think maybe John will know something, so they ask him.  John says, "Don't worry.  It's just another one of his parabolas."
And if my life could be summed up for thee
I'd say, in simple words,
x2 + 7x + 53
= 11/3


It's Lewis Carroll, only it turned out I had fixed it up in my memory (we could quote Humpty Dumpty here); his version goes something like, "but what is all such something stuff to me / whose life is full of indices and surds."
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: theory on August 05, 2015, 06:18:30 pm
On the Jesus-related subject, someone on a different forum raised this objection relating to Jesus's Road to Emmaus appearance after his resurrection

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Road_to_Emmaus_appearance

My favourite part is how the disciplines didn't recognize Jesus despite spending the day on the road with him. It was only when he broke bread that they realized. That tells us several amazing things. Firstly, he looked like a completely different dude after the resurrection. Like people who lived with him couldn't tell. Hell, he might have been white pre resurrection and black after. Or a chick. Whatever. Secondly, he had such an unbelievably unique way of breaking bread that the logical conclusion wasn't "hey, did you grow up in Nazareth?" or "did you learn that from someone because I know a guy who broke it like that too?". The only logical conclusion that they could reach was that this man, or woman, who looked like a completely different person was the same person as Jesus, who they knew was dead, and that he must have come back, but looking differently.

We're talking something so incredibly unique that resurrection and transformation is more believable than it being replicated by anyone else. This breaking of the bread is world changing, it'll challenge everything you know about bread, breaking and the universe to the point that resurrection seems standard. And this was just how Jesus broke bread every time, they recognized that it was his special way of doing it.

I would love to know what that breaking involved. If he did it with his mind or if angels sliced it with flaming swords or whatever else I can't imagine which is more unbelievable than resurrection. If Jesus came back it's the breaking of the bread I'd want to see.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: sudgy on August 05, 2015, 07:18:23 pm
On the Jesus-related subject, someone on a different forum raised this objection relating to Jesus's Road to Emmaus appearance after his resurrection

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Road_to_Emmaus_appearance

My favourite part is how the disciplines didn't recognize Jesus despite spending the day on the road with him. It was only when he broke bread that they realized. That tells us several amazing things. Firstly, he looked like a completely different dude after the resurrection. Like people who lived with him couldn't tell. Hell, he might have been white pre resurrection and black after. Or a chick. Whatever. Secondly, he had such an unbelievably unique way of breaking bread that the logical conclusion wasn't "hey, did you grow up in Nazareth?" or "did you learn that from someone because I know a guy who broke it like that too?". The only logical conclusion that they could reach was that this man, or woman, who looked like a completely different person was the same person as Jesus, who they knew was dead, and that he must have come back, but looking differently.

We're talking something so incredibly unique that resurrection and transformation is more believable than it being replicated by anyone else. This breaking of the bread is world changing, it'll challenge everything you know about bread, breaking and the universe to the point that resurrection seems standard. And this was just how Jesus broke bread every time, they recognized that it was his special way of doing it.

I would love to know what that breaking involved. If he did it with his mind or if angels sliced it with flaming swords or whatever else I can't imagine which is more unbelievable than resurrection. If Jesus came back it's the breaking of the bread I'd want to see.

The sad thing is, if you believe that Jesus did resurrect, it's not entirely out of the question that something supernatural was keeping them from recognizing him...
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: scott_pilgrim on August 05, 2015, 07:26:17 pm
On the Jesus-related subject, someone on a different forum raised this objection relating to Jesus's Road to Emmaus appearance after his resurrection

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Road_to_Emmaus_appearance

My favourite part is how the disciplines didn't recognize Jesus despite spending the day on the road with him. It was only when he broke bread that they realized. That tells us several amazing things. Firstly, he looked like a completely different dude after the resurrection. Like people who lived with him couldn't tell. Hell, he might have been white pre resurrection and black after. Or a chick. Whatever. Secondly, he had such an unbelievably unique way of breaking bread that the logical conclusion wasn't "hey, did you grow up in Nazareth?" or "did you learn that from someone because I know a guy who broke it like that too?". The only logical conclusion that they could reach was that this man, or woman, who looked like a completely different person was the same person as Jesus, who they knew was dead, and that he must have come back, but looking differently.

We're talking something so incredibly unique that resurrection and transformation is more believable than it being replicated by anyone else. This breaking of the bread is world changing, it'll challenge everything you know about bread, breaking and the universe to the point that resurrection seems standard. And this was just how Jesus broke bread every time, they recognized that it was his special way of doing it.

I would love to know what that breaking involved. If he did it with his mind or if angels sliced it with flaming swords or whatever else I can't imagine which is more unbelievable than resurrection. If Jesus came back it's the breaking of the bread I'd want to see.

Well, there was that part where he fed 5000 people with 5 loaves of bread, so maybe he pulled that trick again?
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: theory on August 05, 2015, 07:45:39 pm
On the Jesus-related subject, someone on a different forum raised this objection relating to Jesus's Road to Emmaus appearance after his resurrection

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Road_to_Emmaus_appearance

My favourite part is how the disciplines didn't recognize Jesus despite spending the day on the road with him. It was only when he broke bread that they realized. That tells us several amazing things. Firstly, he looked like a completely different dude after the resurrection. Like people who lived with him couldn't tell. Hell, he might have been white pre resurrection and black after. Or a chick. Whatever. Secondly, he had such an unbelievably unique way of breaking bread that the logical conclusion wasn't "hey, did you grow up in Nazareth?" or "did you learn that from someone because I know a guy who broke it like that too?". The only logical conclusion that they could reach was that this man, or woman, who looked like a completely different person was the same person as Jesus, who they knew was dead, and that he must have come back, but looking differently.

We're talking something so incredibly unique that resurrection and transformation is more believable than it being replicated by anyone else. This breaking of the bread is world changing, it'll challenge everything you know about bread, breaking and the universe to the point that resurrection seems standard. And this was just how Jesus broke bread every time, they recognized that it was his special way of doing it.

I would love to know what that breaking involved. If he did it with his mind or if angels sliced it with flaming swords or whatever else I can't imagine which is more unbelievable than resurrection. If Jesus came back it's the breaking of the bread I'd want to see.

Well, there was that part where he fed 5000 people with 5 loaves of bread, so maybe he pulled that trick again?
That settles it.  Jesus was clearly pro-choice. Try explaining how he fed 5,000 people with five loaves of bread and two fish without using Banach-Tarski.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: theory on August 05, 2015, 07:47:26 pm
More math jokes:

Three logicians walk into a bar and the bartender asks, "Would you all like a drink?"
The first one says "I'm not sure," the second says, "I'm also unsure."
The third says, "Yes."

What happens if you cross a mountain climber and a mosquito?  Trick question you can't cross a vector and a scalar.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: LibraryAdventurer on August 06, 2015, 01:14:06 am
One day Jesus was teaching the crowds, and at one point he says, "y = 3x2 - 4x + 1". His disciples, of course, have no idea what he's talking about.  They think maybe John will know something, so they ask him.  John says, "Don't worry.  It's just another one of his parabolas."
Could someone explain this joke to me so I can laugh at it? 

On the Jesus-related subject, someone on a different forum raised this objection relating to Jesus's Road to Emmaus appearance after his resurrection
You say "this objection", but what objection do you mean?  I don't see any objection in the linked page. It is part of the math joke that I don't get?

I feel I should post a joke since I'm posting in the joke thread.
...
sorry, can't think of any offhand, so I'll just quote a couple headlines from the Onion:
"Earthquake wipes out Etchasketchistan"
"Ninja Parade Slips By Town Unnoticed Once Again (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WtR2m20C2YM&list=PLBA3133A9779B25EC&index=7)"
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: sudgy on August 06, 2015, 02:01:28 am
One day Jesus was teaching the crowds, and at one point he says, "y = 3x2 - 4x + 1". His disciples, of course, have no idea what he's talking about.  They think maybe John will know something, so they ask him.  John says, "Don't worry.  It's just another one of his parabolas."
Could someone explain this joke to me so I can laugh at it? 

Jesus often spoke in stories called parables.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: LibraryAdventurer on August 06, 2015, 02:22:54 am
One day Jesus was teaching the crowds, and at one point he says, "y = 3x2 - 4x + 1". His disciples, of course, have no idea what he's talking about.  They think maybe John will know something, so they ask him.  John says, "Don't worry.  It's just another one of his parabolas."
Could someone explain this joke to me so I can laugh at it? 

Jesus often spoke in stories called parables.

Um, yes, I got that part, I just don't get the math part. What's a "parabola" as opposed to a "parable"?
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: scott_pilgrim on August 06, 2015, 03:04:39 am
One day Jesus was teaching the crowds, and at one point he says, "y = 3x2 - 4x + 1". His disciples, of course, have no idea what he's talking about.  They think maybe John will know something, so they ask him.  John says, "Don't worry.  It's just another one of his parabolas."
Could someone explain this joke to me so I can laugh at it? 

Jesus often spoke in stories called parables.

Um, yes, I got that part, I just don't get the math part. What's a "parabola" as opposed to a "parable"?

A parabola is the shape made by the graph of a quadratic function (i.e. something with an x2 term in it (and possibly linear and constant terms)).  Arguably the joke would have been more accurate if Jesus had said, "The graph of y=3x2-4x+1", rather than just saying the function by itself.

---

Another old joke I just remembered:

A lot of people don't know how Canada got its name.  It turns out, when it was first founded, its founders couldn't decide on a name.  After lots of heated discussions and some long brainstorming sessions, they finally decided that the best thing to do would be to just leave it up to chance.  So they mixed up all the letters and put them in a hat, and brought up a Canadian guy to pull them out.  He pulled the first letter and it was a C, so he said "C, eh?"  He pulled the next letter and it was an N, so he said, "N, eh?"  Finally he pulled the last letter and it was a D, so he said, "D, eh?"  And that's how Canada got its name!
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: LibraryAdventurer on August 06, 2015, 03:10:56 am
One day Jesus was teaching the crowds, and at one point he says, "y = 3x2 - 4x + 1". His disciples, of course, have no idea what he's talking about.  They think maybe John will know something, so they ask him.  John says, "Don't worry.  It's just another one of his parabolas."
Could someone explain this joke to me so I can laugh at it? 

Jesus often spoke in stories called parables.

Um, yes, I got that part, I just don't get the math part. What's a "parabola" as opposed to a "parable"?

A parabola is the shape made by the graph of a quadratic function (i.e. something with an x2 term in it (and possibly linear and constant terms)).  Arguably the joke would have been more accurate if Jesus had said, "The graph of y=3x2-4x+1", rather than just saying the function by itself.

And sudgy apparently thought I was more likely to be familiar with this than the fact that Jesus spoke in stories called parables?  <shakes head and mutters something about crazy fds math-nerds>

EDIT: When I saw the names of the Tool song (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_z2O289Jemo&list=PL69D8CB22B8B037C9&index=2), I assumed that "parabola" was just "parable" in another language or something, but now I realize it's referring to some math formula shape. ...which doesn't make a lot of sense to me but it's not surprising from what I've heard about Maynard.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: ipofanes on August 06, 2015, 04:27:02 am
That settles it.  Jesus was clearly pro-choice. Try explaining how he fed 5,000 people with five loaves of bread and two fish without using Banach-Tarski.

Current corporate-speak version maintains that he took five loafs and two fish and pirated them.

As St. Augustinus put it: Omnis enim res, quae dando non deficit, dum habetur et non datur, nondum habetur, quomodo habenda est.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: terminalCopper on August 06, 2015, 07:16:38 am
A guy sits on the balcony, and says to his girlfriend: „Hey Darling, I will smoke a giant monster-joint“.

And so he did.

Suddenly, a fireball flew through the sky!

He was impressed, and decided to smoke another giant monster-joint.

Then again, a fireball flew through the sky …

and after a third giant monster-joint:

once again, a fireball flew threw the sky.

Then, he said to his girlfriend: „Hey darling, I am terribly thirsty!“

She answers: "That doesn’t surprise me, given that you’ve been on the balcony for three days."
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: sudgy on August 17, 2015, 01:47:36 pm
Two muffins are cooking in the oven.  The first says to the other one, "Hey, it's getting hot in here..."  The other replies, "Ah!!!  A talking muffin!!!"
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Flip5ide on August 17, 2015, 04:21:36 pm
What did the hippie say when I asked him to get off my couch? Namaste.

Can someone explain this joke from page 1?
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Witherweaver on August 17, 2015, 04:22:58 pm
What did the hippie say when I asked him to get off my couch? Namaste.

Can someone explain this joke from page 1?

Nah, Imma not gonna explain that joke for you.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: eHalcyon on August 17, 2015, 11:31:58 pm
And sudgy apparently thought I was more likely to be familiar with this than the fact that Jesus spoke in stories called parables?  <shakes head and mutters something about crazy fds math-nerds>

It doesn't sound that crazy to me?  Parabolas are grade 10 math...
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: LibraryAdventurer on August 17, 2015, 11:56:47 pm
And sudgy apparently thought I was more likely to be familiar with this than the fact that Jesus spoke in stories called parables?  <shakes head and mutters something about crazy fds math-nerds>

It doesn't sound that crazy to me?  Parabolas are grade 10 math...

10th grade was a long time ago to remember math stuff I've never used since.

I'm so absent minded that when my teacher called the roll, the rock answered instead, and I forgot why this joke was funny.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: terminalCopper on August 18, 2015, 05:35:32 am
A young boy asks a woman how old she is; she wants him to guess her age.

He says: "Hmmm, maybe you are 40 years old?"

She answers: "Well ... you're right, I am exactly 40 years old. But listen, if you want to be gentle, always guess 10 years less when guessing a womans age".

He replies: "Sorry ma'am, I tried to do so!"
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Asper on August 18, 2015, 06:44:37 am
And sudgy apparently thought I was more likely to be familiar with this than the fact that Jesus spoke in stories called parables?  <shakes head and mutters something about crazy fds math-nerds>

It doesn't sound that crazy to me?  Parabolas are grade 10 math...

I thought about pointing out that there probably are vastly more people on the globe that are familiar with parabolas than with Jesus (or at least, familiar enough to know he spoke in parables), but as the joke limits the audience to english speakers, and more, to the demographic of this forum, i wasn't sure anymore.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Awaclus on August 18, 2015, 07:41:53 am
And sudgy apparently thought I was more likely to be familiar with this than the fact that Jesus spoke in stories called parables?  <shakes head and mutters something about crazy fds math-nerds>

It doesn't sound that crazy to me?  Parabolas are grade 10 math...

I thought about pointing out that there probably are vastly more people on the globe that are familiar with parabolas than with Jesus (or at least, familiar enough to know he spoke in parables), but as the joke limits the audience to english speakers, and more, to the demographic of this forum, i wasn't sure anymore.

Well, I didn't know that the Jesus things were called "parables" in English (although it was not very hard to guess since I was familiar with the word from other contexts). I guess it's not a super good argument since Finnish seems to be one of the few languages where the word for parable does not resemble the English word, but it's not inconceivable that someone here would actually have to ask what sudgy thought LA was asking.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: LibraryAdventurer on August 18, 2015, 07:07:25 pm
A young boy asks a woman how old she is; she wants him to guess her age.

He says: "Hmmm, maybe you are 40 years old?"

She answers: "Well ... you're right, I am exactly 40 years old. But listen, if you want to be gentle, always guess 10 years less when guessing a womans age".

He replies: "Sorry ma'am, I tried to do so!"
The right answer is to never give an answer when a woman asks you to guess her age. Or always say 21. The last time that happened to me, I thought she looked around 51-52, so I guessed 45. Turns out she was 38.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: sudgy on August 19, 2015, 12:07:58 am
Did you know that fruits and veggies support flipping people off?  They're pro-deuce.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Witherweaver on August 19, 2015, 09:51:57 am
A young boy asks a woman how old she is; she wants him to guess her age.

He says: "Hmmm, maybe you are 40 years old?"

She answers: "Well ... you're right, I am exactly 40 years old. But listen, if you want to be gentle, always guess 10 years less when guessing a womans age".

He replies: "Sorry ma'am, I tried to do so!"
The right answer is to never give an answer when a woman asks you to guess her age. Or always say 21. The last time that happened to me, I thought she looked around 51-52, so I guessed 45. Turns out she was 38.

(http://i.imgur.com/tTyVIEQ.gif)
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Awaclus on August 19, 2015, 10:00:49 am
The right answer is to never give an answer when a woman asks you to guess her age. Or always say 21. The last time that happened to me, I thought she looked around 51-52, so I guessed 45. Turns out she was 38.

The difference between 45 and 38 doesn't sound like a big deal to me though.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: pacovf on August 19, 2015, 10:48:17 am
You just answer "85?". Works every time, 60% of the time.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: SwitchedFromStarcraft on August 19, 2015, 04:32:13 pm
A young boy asks a woman how old she is; she wants him to guess her age.

He says: "Hmmm, maybe you are 40 years old?"

She answers: "Well ... you're right, I am exactly 40 years old. But listen, if you want to be gentle, always guess 10 years less when guessing a womans age".

He replies: "Sorry ma'am, I tried to do so!"
The right answer is to never give an answer when a woman asks you to guess her age. Or always say 21. The last time that happened to me, I thought she looked around 51-52, so I guessed 45. Turns out she was 38.
I tend bar part time and I'm always surprised at the different reactions I get when I ask women to prove their age.  Twice in the past two weeks I asked women who both happened to be a very youthful 34 for their ID.  The first was thrilled, and I caught her telling her Dad, who came in later, the story.  The second woman was PISSED, like I'd done her bodily harm.  Go figure.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Seprix on August 19, 2015, 09:49:54 pm
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'

"Twenty-six."
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Donald X. on August 19, 2015, 10:36:14 pm
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'

"Twenty-six."
Quote
Calment's remarkable health presaged her later record. At age 85 (1960), she took up fencing, and continued to ride her bicycle up until her 100th birthday. She was reportedly neither athletic nor fanatical about her health.[9] Calment lived on her own until shortly before her 110th birthday, when it was decided that she needed to be moved to a nursing home after starting a small fire in her house, caused by a cooking accident, which has been attributed to complications with sight. However, Calment was still in good shape, and continued to walk until she fractured her femur during a fall at age 114 years 11 months (January 1990), which required surgery.[5][14]

Calment smoked cigarettes from the age of 21 (1896) to 117 (1992),[2][15] though according to an unspecified source, she smoked no more than two cigarettes per day towards the end of her life.[16] After her operation, Calment needed to use a wheelchair. In 1994, age 119, she weighed 45 kilograms (99 lb).

Calment ascribed her longevity and relatively youthful appearance for her age to a diet rich in olive oil[4] (which she also rubbed onto her skin), as well as a diet of port wine, and ate nearly one kilogram (2.2 lb) of chocolate every week. She also credited her calmness, saying, "That's why they call me Calment."[17] Calment reportedly remained mentally intact until her very end.[4]

On 4 August 1997, around 10 AM Central European Time [18] Calment died, aged 122. After her death, 116-year-old Marie-Louise Meilleur became the oldest recognized living person.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Kuildeous on August 20, 2015, 07:40:35 am
On 4 August 1997, around 10 AM Central European Time [18] Calment died, aged 122. After her death, 116-year-old Marie-Louise Meilleur became the oldest recognized living person.


Vote: Meilleur
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Seprix on August 21, 2015, 07:07:22 pm
What do you get when you cross a monk and a goat?

You get a moat
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Witherweaver on August 21, 2015, 11:58:19 pm
What do you get when you cross a monk and a goat?

You get a moat

You may see yourself out.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Seprix on August 21, 2015, 11:59:25 pm
What do you get when you cross a monk and a goat?

You get a moat

You may see yourself out.

I'm sorry you didn't like my big reveal. I'll try to not make you cross in the future.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: skip wooznum on August 22, 2015, 10:21:14 pm
What do you get when you cross a monk and a goat?

You get a gonk
fixed
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Kuildeous on August 22, 2015, 11:06:31 pm
What do you get when you cross a monk and a goat?

You get a gonk
fixed

Thanks for that. I don't know what Seprix was thinking. That other punchline made no sense!
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Seprix on August 22, 2015, 11:15:47 pm
What do you get when you cross a monk and a goat?

You get a gonk
fixed

Thanks for that. I don't know what Seprix was thinking. That other punchline made no sense!

Yeah, that joke didn't sink in well with WW either. There's just a gap with me and everyone else when it comes to jokes in honestly. I just can't find that mental bridge to go over to get with everyone else joke-wise.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: SwitchedFromStarcraft on August 24, 2015, 05:38:03 pm
We are all WW.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Darth Vader on August 25, 2015, 06:53:21 pm
Luke and Leia tried to have a relationship, but they looked in Alderaan places. It's funny because they'll never find any Alderaan location ever again.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: jonts26 on August 25, 2015, 08:18:26 pm
I just got a new job at a prison library. It has its prose and cons.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Axxle on August 28, 2015, 04:17:47 pm
What do you get when you cross a monk and a goat?

You get a gonk
fixed

Thanks for that. I don't know what Seprix was thinking. That other punchline made no sense!

Yeah, that joke didn't sink in well with WW either. There's just a gap with me and everyone else when it comes to jokes in honestly. I just can't find that mental bridge to go over to get with everyone else joke-wise.
Yeah, you never know what kind of reaction people will have, but don't let it get you blue.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: pacovf on October 07, 2015, 09:11:13 am
Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishit? He got off on a technicality.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Polk5440 on February 02, 2016, 02:03:13 pm
What do this thread and entropy have in common?
They aren't what they used to be.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Elanchana on February 02, 2016, 02:23:15 pm
I have a new business.
What's your new business?
I'm a wine merchant.
How is business?
Sorry, what was that? I've been in the tavern all day and I'm kinda hungover... ooh, shiny!
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: pacovf on February 02, 2016, 02:29:03 pm
A pirate walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender gives him a beer, stares at him, and asks:
"Sir, have you noticed that you have a ship's wheel coming out of your pants?"
And the pirate answers:
"Arrrr, it be drivin' me nuts!"
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: LastFootnote on February 03, 2016, 11:01:25 am
A pirate walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender gives him a beer, stares at him, and asks:
"Sir, have you noticed that you have a ship's wheel coming out of your pants?"
And the pirate answers:
"Arrrr, it be drivin' me nuts!"

My favorite version of that joke was always:

A pirate walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender gives him a beer, stares at him, and asks:
"Sir, have you noticed that you have a ship's wheel coming out of your pants?"
And the pirate answers:
"Yes, there was a terrible nautical accident. Please call an ambulance immediately."
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Haddock on February 03, 2016, 11:13:53 am
How do you titillate an ocelot?
Oscillate its tit a lot.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Kirian on February 03, 2016, 11:24:38 am
There once was a man from Nantucket
                                                                                   
                                           
                                   
                                  Moat.                           
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: A Drowned Kernel on February 25, 2016, 07:04:21 pm
Interrupting tachyons.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: ConMan on February 25, 2016, 07:12:26 pm
Who's there?
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: A Drowned Kernel on February 25, 2016, 07:19:15 pm
Knock knock.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Witherweaver on February 25, 2016, 07:46:22 pm
Hey, want to hear a joke?
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: 2.71828..... on February 25, 2016, 09:44:26 pm
Hey, want to hear a joke?

Yes
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Axxle on February 26, 2016, 03:11:43 am
3.14159% of sailors are pi rates.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: silverspawn on February 26, 2016, 08:26:32 am
(http://shirtshovel.com/products/pirates/pi-434.jpg)
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: silverspawn on February 26, 2016, 08:27:31 am
granted, it's a long thread.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Axxle on February 26, 2016, 12:42:35 pm
I definitely did a search for it, but picture formatting :(
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Darth Vader on March 13, 2016, 10:54:27 pm
What do you call a potato that falls to the dark side?

Vader tots

What happens when you create a technological terror and are about to use it?

                Moat.                 
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: scott_pilgrim on January 31, 2018, 09:43:24 pm
I just came up with this one in the shower:

What is the pink panther's favorite type of quark?

ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum ba-dum ba-dum ba-dum ba-duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmm
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: ipofanes on February 01, 2018, 02:58:38 am
I am not sure if this joke get's funnier when explained, but I'd be grateful if somebody would try and find out.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: Awaclus on February 01, 2018, 06:30:55 am
I am not sure if this joke get's funnier when explained, but I'd be grateful if somebody would try and find out.

There are a bunch of different types of quarks, one of the types is bottom quark. Meanwhile, there's a movie/TV show franchise called The Pink Panther, whose musical theme song features a repeated rhythmic pattern with two fairly short notes followed by a rest, ending with a fairly long note, which could be written out as "ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum ba-dum ba-dum ba-dum ba-duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmm". Because "ba-dum" sounds like "bottom", this is why the bottom quark is the pink panther's favorite type of quark.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: ipofanes on February 01, 2018, 06:40:57 am
I am not sure if this joke get's funnier when explained, but I'd be grateful if somebody would try and find out.
Because "ba-dum" sounds like "bottom"

That was the bit I missed. Seems I am not exposed enough to American pronounciation of English.

Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: scott_pilgrim on July 25, 2020, 12:34:39 pm
Billy, Frank, Tim, and Joe are best friends, and have been playing bridge together every Thursday night for the past 28 years, without missing a week. Suddenly Joe dies of a heart attack. The three friends, devastated, travel back to Wisconsin to attend his funeral. Joe's mother, a sweet, elderly woman, insists that the three of them, if comfortable, stay with her, rather than spending money for a hotel.

When the three friends arrive, Joe's mother is very happy to greet them. They talk for a bit, and eventually Tim asks her if she has any hobbies. She is very excited to tell them about her love of flying drones, and the three friends, intrigued by this hobby, ask if she can show them one. "One?" she asks. "I can show you my whole collection!"

The old lady very excitedly leads them downstairs into a basement, where sure enough, the whole room, wall to wall, is filled with various types of drones. As she is rambling on and on about her obsession, Frank notices a bird very calmly perched in a corner of the room. "Would you like us to help you shoo this bird out of the house?" he asked.

"Oh no, please don't!" she responded. "That's my pet, Belle."

"Oh," replied Frank, somewhat embarrassed. "I assumed she didn't belong here, because there's no cage or anything. She seems very well trained! What kind of bird is she?"

"She's a common tern," the woman replied. "But she's common in name only. You see, this is no ordinary tern, she can talk!"

The three friends, skeptical but excited, approached the bird. "Hi Belle, I'm Tim," said Tim.

"Hi Tim, I'm Belle," she replied. "I'm very sorry for your loss," she added.

The three friends couldn't believe it! Amazed, they continued asking it questions, while Joe's mother received a phone call and slipped out of the room for privacy. As they continued chatting with the bird, the conversation turned to bridge. "You know," said the bird, "I've never played before, but I know it was very important to the three of you, and to Joe, and I'd be interested to learn. I know I could never replace Joe, but if you ever need a fourth player, I'd be happy to play. There's a card table over there in the corner," she said, flying to the other side of the room.

The three friends, marveling at the thought of playing bridge with a talking bird, pulled out the table, sat down and began teaching the bird the rules and some basic strategy tips. She seemed to grasp everything quickly, and she fit right in with the three of them. Since Frank and Tim were always partners, they decided that Belle should be Billy's partner. She was certainly no expert, but the three were impressed by how quickly she learned.

But a few minutes into it, Billy started talking about politics. The friends have always had their disagreements, but Billy, a big supporter of Donald Trump, did not want to be partners with someone who couldn't see eye-to-eye with him. So he began questioning the bird's political views, asking her if she supported Trump, etc. Belle clearly felt uncomfortable, like she was being singled out by this, and pressured to say things she didn't agree with.

Eventually, Billy offered an ultimatum, saying, "You know, I can't force you to change your beliefs, but I'd just feel a little bit better if you would wear this 'Make America Great Again' hat, if we're gonna be partners, so I can really feel like we're on the same side."

The bird put the cap on, but was clearly very uncomfortable.

"Should we do something about this?" Frank asked Tim.

"I wouldn't worry about it," Tim replied. "He's just trying to set up a drone room bridge MAGA tern."
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: LaLight on July 25, 2020, 12:43:07 pm
this is more than amazing.
Title: Re: A joke thread
Post by: pacovf on July 26, 2020, 08:23:47 pm
UuuUugghhhh...